Title: Death of Hope
Character: Sam Winchester
Summary: What Sam is thinking slightly before and after Jessica's death.
Spoilers: "Pilot"
Disclaimer: I don't own the show "Supernatural" or its characters.
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Sam lingered for several seconds outside his apartment watching his older brother Dean drive off into the night. They had just returned from a hunting trip in Jericho, California, Sam reluctantly agreed to accompany Dean in a search to find their MIA father.
After the Woman in White was defeated him and Dean drove back to Stanford, his law interview and Jess. After several days away he was anxious to normalcy, his plans with Jess and the interview he knew was going to ace.
Climbing the stairs to the apartment he shared with Jess, Sam felt a pang of regret and tried shoving it to the back of his mind, with little success. He was exhausted and could think of nothing else but fall into bed. He had to be bright and alert for the interview tomorrow. It was all but assured, it would be a breeze.
Later in the week he'd take Jess out to shop for rings. Then they'd have dinner with her parents at their house where he planned to propose to Jess and announce their engagement. He made a mental note to invite Dean to the wedding although social gatherings of that nature weren't to the older man's liking. But Sam knew from experience that Dean couldn't refuse him anything. After all he wanted to make up a bit after two years of being incommunicado.
Thus occupied Sam reached the door of the apartment and opened it to a dark interior. "Jess? You home?" he called. Silence greeted him. No response just an eerie, oppressive silence answered his call.
Passing though the entryway Sam noticed a plate of home-made chocolate chip cookies with a note written in Jess' flowing penmanship. Sam leant down to read the simple heartfelt message: Missed you! Love you!
Smiling he reached over and took a cookie nibbling on it as he made his way towards the bedroom. Upon reaching the room Sam heard the shower running. Figuring Jess was still in the bathroom he flopped down onto the bed. Closing his eyes with a sigh of contentment Sam smiled. He was home with the love of his life, law interview, and his whole future on a plate.
*drip* What?
*dripdrip*
He blinked.
What is that?
For a second time stood still as Sam, eyes wide with horror stared up at the ceiling. Pinned above him unnaturally aloft was his girlfriend, his beautiful Jess, arms and legs at off angles, the long blonde hair he loved fanned out around her head, her womb slashed and bloodied, her mouth open in a wordless scream eyes frightened and desperate.
Sam cried out in shock and horror at the gruesome sight as the ceiling behind Jessica burst into flames. "No! Jess!" Unable to tear his gaze away he dimly heard Dean shouting his name so overwrought was he with grief and horror.
Then he felt himself hauled from the bed by his big brother. Instinctively he flung his arm around Dean's neck as the older man pushed him toward the door shielding him with his body as if that would offer protection on Sam's part from the fire. Sam heard himself screaming for Jess his future literally going up in flames.
This is how it feels to be Sam Winchester, forever:
Cold.
It wasn't simply a physical sensation-it went far beyond that, encompassing every aspect of his body and mind. He was cold in a way that told him he would never find warmth again.
Guilty.
Months-he had dreamt of her death months before it happened. It was his own fault; he never told her the truth of who he was. Or rather what he was. He'd seen it happen and he'd sworn to never leave her alone.
Yet he left with Dean anyway.
Relieved.
Four years of untruths and half-untruths. Four years trying to tell his family especially Dean, both in spoken and unspoken gestures, he didn't need him when in truth it took every ounce of willpower he possessed not to run back home to the life he knew since childhood. Back to Dean. Of avoiding any discussions about his troubled past with his sweet, innocent girlfriend who was more honest and open about herself than he could ever be.
There was a hole in the middle of his heart, an ache in his soul that grew more painful with each passing day that no amount of classes, exams, or even Jess could alleviate. It felt as if someone had ripped the best part of him out and replaced it with an icy void that over the past four years gradually expanded into his core.
He felt like he had been suffocating.
He knew deep down Dean owned the best part of his soul. He loved Jess and he was certain she loved him. But she was never enough.
Escape ironically came in the form of Dean breaking into his apartment that fateful autumn night his senior year. Sure he pretended to be pissed for Dean intruding on his post-hunt normal life. In reality he found the painful ache in his heart and soul was gone. Home had come for him. The best part of him had returned.
For the first time in four miserable years he'd never felt so alive.
In wasn't until months traveling on the road getting reconnected with Dean that he heard a most extraordinary sound. He marveled that he hadn't noticed it before. It was his soul breathing a sigh of relief.
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