When will my reflection show, who I am inside?
(FtM!Blaine – Klainefic.)
This contains a conversation which I had with someone one Omegle, sadly there was a technical fault before I could finish/ask their name to share credit with them on this. The title is obviously from Disney's Mulan.
[NOTE: Blaine's attitude to himself is based entirely on my own experience, and as such may be completely different to other people's perceptions of the situation.]
We need to talk. – B
Oh, okay. What about? – K
Me. I haven't exactly been honest with you. –B
You're starting to scare me. What is it, Blaine? – K
Can I come over to tell you? I think it'd be better if you heard it in person. Well, at least I'd feel like less of an ass. – B
You're not an ass either way, but okay. I'm home alone so we have plenty of space. –K
Okay. I'll be over in twenty, and Kurt… I love you. Please remember that. –B
I love you too. Drive safely. –K
Blaine grabbed his keys with shaking hands as he left his house. He knew he had to do this eventually, but it didn't make it any easier. He got into his car and drove to Kurt's, arriving faster than he wanted. He knocked the door and shifted nervously.
When the door opened to reveal Kurt standing there giving Blaine a bright smile, Blaine's heart broke slightly further. "Come in." Kurt said, stepping aside.
Blaine forced a smile as he stepped inside, taking extra-long to untie and remove his shoes. Anything to delay this talk. "Hey, Kurt." He spoke quietly.
"Hi, Blaine." Kurt replied awkwardly as he watched Blaine. He knew exactly what Blaine was trying to do. "Do you want to go upstairs? We can talk on my bed."
"Yeah, that sounds good to me." He agreed. The last thing he wanted was one of Kurt's family unexpectedly returning home and overhearing this talk. Blaine stood up after taking his shoes off and bit his lip. "Shall we?"
"We shall." Kurt smiled and began to walk up the stairs, turning his head to make sure Blaine was following which he was. When he reached his room he sat down on the bed and patted the space beside him. "Don't be nervous."
Blaine huffed out a laugh; as if he could not be nervous about this. He nodded and sat next to Kurt, staring at the far wall as he thought about how to approach this. As he thought about this Kurt pressed a kiss to Blaine's cheek and reached out to take Blaine's hand in his own. "Don't be nervous. It's fine, I love you. You can tell me."
"Just please don't hate me." Blaine pleaded quietly, looking at their joint hands. A sharp pang of pain swept through him when he thought that this may be the last time Kurt would touch him again.
Kurt immediately shook his head and held Blaine's hand even tighter. He was nervous about what Blaine had to say but he didn't show it. "I could never, ever hate you, Blaine. I love you too much."
"Kurt. T-there's a reason why I keep freaking out when things get too heated between us… why I always run away," he began, pausing to take a deep breath. "I'm n-not normal."
Kurt took a deep breath and nodded. "I thought I was making you uncomfortable." he admitted. "Blaine, I love you no matter how abnormal you are. What is it? Do you want to tell me?"
Blaine pulled out a photo from his pocket and handed it to Kurt. It was of a young girl, about five years old. She had long wavy dark hair, was wearing a purple and pink summer dress, and had a sad expression on her face.
Kurt studied the picture of the girl that Blaine had handed him. He would be stupid to deny the resemblance. "Oh my God." he gasped. "Blaine, you have a daughter?"
"No." He spoke, quietly trying not to laugh at the absurdity. He should have assumed that question would come up, as the resemblance was undeniable. "I- that's me. Was me." He corrected, biting his lip.
"Oh." Kurt murmured, studying the picture in from of him even better. Of course it was Blaine. A lot had changed but the eyes were exactly the same. A long silence occurred as he tried to process this information. "Oh, Blaine. That's, that's okay."
"Kurt, you don't understand. I still.. You know," he trailed off and shook his head. "Under my clothes.. I've not had any surgery yet." He explained, shutting his eyes and waiting for Kurt to break up with him.
"And that's still okay." Kurt said quickly and squeezed Blaine's hand. "It's okay. I still love you and you're still my amazing boyfriend. It doesn't change anything."
"But you're gay, Kurt." Blaine spoke sadly. He could have never imagined that he could love Kurt more, but hearing just how accepting the boy was made Blaine's heart swell. He needed Kurt to be certain though. He couldn't hear that everything was ok and a week later, or when they got physical Kurt suddenly changed his mind. It would destroy him.
Kurt nodded. "Of course I am. Any doubts I may have had were gone when I fell in love with a very beautiful boy." he said and nudged Blaine with his shoulder. "You're a boy to me, Blaine, and that's all that matters. I'll always see you as that no matter whether you decide to have surgery or not. I'll always think you have a beautiful body."
Blaine turned to look at Kurt, shocked and relieved. "I love you." He spoke, not knowing what else to say. He never imagined that he'd find someone as perfect as Kurt, let alone they stick around after finding out about his situation.
"And I love you too." Kurt said softly. He let his eyes roam over Blaine before reaching his lips. He pressed a gently kiss to Blaine's lips before pulling back. "Blaine, you're so perfect. I'm so lucky."
"You're perfect, Beautiful. So my body doesn't freak you out? I mean, I'll completely understand if you want to wait until after surgery to do anything." Blaine spoke, turning his head to nuzzle into Kurt's neck. This was partly to be close to Kurt, and also to hide his face when asking the question.
"Of course it doesn't freak me out. It just changes my attitude to how we would be intimate a little bit but I know we'll figure things out together." he said easily. "There's no way I want to wait till you have surgery. You're beautiful now. Are you definitely getting surgery?"
Blaine's head spun for a few seconds with the knowledge that Kurt still wanted a physical relationship with him, his mind wandered for a bit before he remembered that Kurt had asked a question. "I'm definitely getting top surgery to give me a male chest, and well, I think I might get lower. I'm not certain though," He looked slightly nervous again. "Is that ok with you?"
"Of course it's okay with me, Blaine. Even if it wasn't I'd still want you to go ahead with it. Anything to make you happy." he said and rubbed Blaine's back. "Of course the prospect of you having surgery scares me. That's normal." Kurt paused and hummed thoughtfully. "What would happen with lower surgery? I'm sorry I don't know much about this."
Blaine nodded. "We'll I'd go with phalloplasty. It would involve taking a skin graft from another part of my body, usually my arm, and constructing the penis out of that. It would then be attached in a way which would allow penetration and so I could urinate through. It's risky though, some people who have it lose all sensation down there." He explained.
Kurt bit his lip, concentrating fully. "I can certainly see why that would consider some thought. It sounds like a major operation but you know I'd be there to support you the whole time, every step of the way." he said. "Are you using something now until you get surgery? I know there are things like that." He replied, thinking to an article he had once read about transgender people.
"I use a packer to give the illusion that I have something there through my trousers." He shrugged, he looked at stand-to-pee devices and pack 'n' play items but most didn't interest him. Personally, he was more comfortable with his body than many transmen. "I also bind my chest, and as you can probably tell I'm on male hormones"
Kurt nodded, taking it all in. "I could tell you were on hormones. No one would ever guess you weren't genetically male, you look so masculine and, well, beautiful." Kurt said with a blush. "Do you have to sit down to, you know, go to the bathroom?" He asked quickly. "You don't have to answer if it's too personal."
Blaine pulled back to look at Kurt, taking his hands in his own. "Kurt, sweetheart, it's going to be personal. It's ok, don't be afraid to ask questions, no matter how 'personal' you think they are." He assured him, kissing his knuckles gently. "I can stand after a lot of practice, but it's easier to sit down."
Kurt nodded slowly, trying to tell himself that it was okay to ask question. After all, he did have a lot of them. "That's pretty clever of you. I can't imagine how you'd manage to do that. I'm guessing you mostly just sit down though, right?" he asked. "Why don't you get some sort of device you could use in that department?"
"I'm not certain why. Cooper looked at those devices online and offered to buy me one once, but I said no. I guess the whole sitting down most of the time element doesn't really bother me too much." Blaine shrugged with a smile, glad that Kurt seemed genuinely interested.
"I'm glad. It's great that you feel more comfortable but you know those devices are always there if you need them. I'd spoil you with as many as I could buy. All you need to do is ask." he offered. "Okay, here comes a personal question. I know you masturbate; I've seen your browser history. How do you go about it?"
A blush crept up Blaine's neck and a small chuckle came out. He licked his lips and bit his tongue for a second trying not to fall back into a nervous state. "Well I have my hands obviously, and toys to assist. I mean I like anal penetration as much as the next gay, but I often do," he stopped thinking about how to phrase it. "I don't see the point in wasting a sensitive area either. I like both types."
Kurt smiled reassuringly and kissed Blaine's nose. "I agree. As much as I love the beautiful man in front of me, I'm so glad to see how comfortable you are with yourself and with the body you were born with. As longs as that's what you want, I won't waste that either. I'll pay just as much attention to every beautiful bit of you." he murmured. "You might have to teach me a bit first."
Blaine leant forward and kissed Kurt hard, hoping to convey his emotions. Seriously, this boy must be an angel. After a while he pulled back and rested his forehead on Kurt's. "I would really like that. You have no idea how much these testosterone shots have affected my libido." He laughed, only half joking.
Kurt blushed and kissed Blaine once again, he couldn't help himself. "Well, you have me for that now. And your toys too, I guess." Kurt said, quirking an eyebrow. "Oh, another quick question. How often do you have to give yourself those shorts? Do they have any negative effects?"
Blaine blushed again slightly when Kurt mentioned his toys. "I have my shots every three months. Well, they mess with my mood quite a bit, and they affect my body certainly but I have a great doctor who ensures that I am healthy even with them." He smiled.
Kurt nodded. "Now that I think about it I can probably see a small pattern with your moods. You've always been lovely though." Kurt said and reached up thread his fingers through Blaine's hair. "Is there anything else you need or want to tell me?"
"Just that you're the most amazing, understanding, loving and compassionate boy I've ever met, and that I love you so much." He smiled, leaning back at the touch.
It was Kurt's turn to blush as Blaine complimented him. "It's easy to be understanding with you, Blaine. You're so wonderful, I could never even dream of not being supportive of you and who you are." he said softly. "I love you too. I still can't believe how lucky I am."
Blaine smiled and leant forward, kissing Kurt. He moved his hands to the boy's shoulders, one hand sliding up his neck. Kurt kissed back, deepening the kiss and threading his fingers through Blaine hair. He pushed gently on Blaine's shoulder so he was lying down before straddling him. "You don't have run away this time." Kurt smirked.
"Never." Blaine assured him, with large sparkling eyes as he looked up at his boyfriend. He licked his lips tasting Kurt on them. He knew things weren't going to be easy. He knew that they would hit a few problems in the future, but right then in that moment, he knew that they would get through everything. Together.