Disclaimer:: I do not own any of the charries from Kingdom Hearts I/II, nor did I create the game.

Warning!:: This story is a follow-up, a third part in my Yaoi series- that started with 'A Flicker of the Flame'.
You might want to read it along with 'Yudachi' before you read this.

Either way, if you don't like Yaoi...or have something known as HOMOPHOBIA,
I would not sudjest you read my fics.
I don't like hate mail, love fan mail, and enjoy getting constructive reviews.

This in the only warning and disclaimer for the whole chapter (meaning it covers the whole thing.)
So I don't have to bother with it for every chapter.

This is Sora's story, told by him in his own POV, more or less like a diary.
This is a bit different then most of my work, but I think you'll enjoy it as much as me.

Now then,
Please enjoy Sora's very own instalment!

Offcially: Confused
How did I become like this?

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Sometimes, I wonder...
What would have happened if he didn't push me away that day.
What if he had let me go on following him, being around him, like the love-sick puppy I used to be.

I used to adore my brother.
So much, that it worried my mother.
She would aske me everyday, "So Sora, how much do you love me?"

I'd smile and reply, "As much as always, mom."

But when she used to ask me about Roxas...
The answer never changed.
More and more each day.

I was my mom's little angel clear on up until that day.
At having just turned 16, I was still her favorite.

Roxas, when ever she talked about him, she always had this suspisious tone.
Like she was waiting. Because she knew he would screw up.
And when he did, She wouldn't hessitate to remind him of doing so.

I could never understand why she was always so hard on him.
But I admired his strength to take it with his smile, the way he'd tell her his promise to try harder and do better.
Always.

I wanted to be strong like him.

He had never liked the way I followed him around.
Ever sense we were small.

Then there was his best friend, Axel.

The flaming red-headed bad boy that all the girls wanted, but couldn't get their hands on.
The one that could make anyone melt with that smile of his.
His bright green eyes that were always kind to me.

When ever I could get him alone, when Roxas was busy....I liked those times the best.
He made me feel like I belonged.
Like I wasn't just the shadow of my brother.

He even called me his little brother.

Oh God, how naive I was....
I remember obsesing over his cigarette smell.
Wanting to do everything they did.

How Stupid.

When Axel had dissapeared for a year, I saw my brother change.
That was a year or so after I had stopped talking to him...
After he had pushed me away.
Because he didn't want me around him.

On my 17th birthday, He left suddenly.
Taking his skateboard and sneaking out the front door.

I had my girlfriend on my arm, Olette was her name.
She was pretty okay..but a little odd at times.
And Gigggly.

But thats not what I'm talking about here...

Roxas.

I watched him go, but didn't dare follow.
I only frowned and pretended not to notice.
Like I did a lot.

It was my way of trying to show that I didn't care that he didn't care about me...
Or at least, I tried.

I had to say, when I heard a week later....that my brother was gay-
I was shocked.
Maybe not as much as my mom.

She went crazy after he came by and told us.
She told me I didn't dare be like him.
To stay straight, have sex with Olette...
Be a normal son.

I told her not to worry.

I had let myself go.
Became a playboy for my horny female teachers...managing to get a schollership of sorts into a good school.
Yeah, Olette knew.
So did my other friends.
Hayner, Olette's brother- Tidus, and Riku.

Maybe I screwed up big time.
But for a while, I was spying on my brother and his gay little relationship.
It burned me inside...
Seeing him with Axel in such a way.

I always barfed after words.

It made me so sick.
The damn man was a Homo.

So I hated them.
So much, that I wanted to make them pay.

It was on accedent that we had seen them come out of the club one night...
But seeing my brother dressed like a gay slut, made me more pissed then hell.

So the guys and I jumped them.
I was so angry...I beat him.
I beat up my own brother.

And in my rage...I pulled out the knife I had gotten for christmas.
I stabbed him.

Over and over again...
Screaming at him.
Trying to tell him how hurt I was.
But the only thing that came out were hurtful things.
I called him a nasty homo.
A Damned man, an anal slut...and so much more.
He passed out.

So me and the guys ran off...leaving them there in the alley.

Riku promptly got sick.
Hayner had to take care of a broken nose.
Tidus was pretty shaken up.
Me?
Well......I was still pretty worked up.
I didn't know what I had done.

For a while after that...
A month or so, I didn't even think about them.
I didn't care if they were alive or dead.

"Sora! I can't take it anymore....I have to...I can't live with this."
I don't know how many times Riku said those words to me.
He was worried about us being found out.
That what we had done would be uncovered.

I told him not to think about it.
What did I care?
It was done, and that was that.

I wasn't sure when he had even aquired a guilt feeling...
But I never felt it.

Somehow, I just knew.
What ever happened to me after it was done, I deserved.

So that day, after school-
When I saw Axel's car...
I knew.

But I made sure that Riku left.
I couldn't let him take the blunt of what had been my doing all along.
Riku...he had been there for me after Roxas pushed me away.
Without him, I would have been all alone.
He's my best friend.

After everyone else was gone, I slipped back into the school.
In the teacher's lounge, I knew where one of the teacher's kept her stash of powdered ecstacy....
So I helped myself.

After all, it might make things a bit easier.

It wasn't long after I had taken some, that Axel and a guy called Seifer came in after me.
My eyes were somewhat blurry, and I could feel my body heat rising from the drug.

Why they were doing this...I knew all to well.
As to why they chose this punishment...
I knew that too.

All through it, as I was entered...
my arms held over my head,
and nasty taunts chanted at me,
I knew.

Axel wouldn't look my in the eyes.
I couldn't hold in my small pants and whines...
The drug made sure of that.

In the end...I came.

They left me in my drug and sex induced state soon after that.

I never saw Axel again after that.

I must have fallen asleep, because in the morning, a teacher found me.
They could see what had apparently happened- taking me to the hospital and then to the police station.

But for some reason....those green eyes, those that I used to know- the ones that had refused to look at me...
I wouldn't tell them about him.

I told them to leave me alone.
I was fine...
well, maybe.

It was when I left the station, it looked like it was going to rain.
It had been sunny a few moments before...So it was like the clouds came from no where.
What we call, Yudachi.
Or, a Sudden evening rain.

I sighed as I glanced up, hearing someone's pounding footsteps on the pavement.

Roxas.

His expression was one of uncertain fear.
But he also looked worried.
...Not about himself, but for me.

So I let go of my hate.
I let the Yudachi wash it all away as the rain started to pour down.
and I managed a small smile.

His eyes looked so happy..
It was just like it used to be, for a moment.

So this is where I am now.
One week later.

I don't know what to do...
I feel like a different person.

After that evening, I started having dreams.
Vivid dreams.

The pain and pleasure I can feel all over again...
one night I awoke to find I had been touching myself.

It frightened me.
And yet...I didn't know why.

Riku had found out about it the way everyone else had.
The video that had been embedded to the school web site.

I had watched it myself once.
I couldn't take my eyes off.

Had I really looked like that?
My face showing so much....pleasure.
I looked like I had really love it...

Riku had come to me, asking me who it was that did it to me.
When I wouldn't say, he got angry.

"Don't give me that shit!! I know it was Axel!"

I only shook my head.

Then I did something I should have never done.
Like a hungry slut, I almost pounced on him...crushing my lips to his.

Needless to say, he pushed me down off of him.
Landing on my back, I shot him a blank look.

"You sick.....Sora, What the Fuck!?"
His chest was heaving, as it he had to fight to hold back the urge to vomit.
His green eyes were wide, and his fists clentched.

I had no idea why I did it...
I wasn't sure what I was doing at all.

So I stayed silent.
And he left.

So here I am, all alone again.
Looking out at the rain.

Yudachi.
My only comfort right now.

I watched his car pull away, leaving me with an empty feeling.
I saw him rais a hand to his forehead as he drove away.
He looked just as confused as I felt.

I couldn't help but think I had lost him.
I wasn't at all sure what I was feeling right now...maybe it was his eyes.
They looked so much like Axel's.

Maybe everyone was right.
I was a whore.

Only now...
I might just be what I fear the most.

Could I be....Gay?

Please read and review guys!

I would really like to know what everyone thought about this.
I will have more up as soon as I get the chance to work on it more.

Thanks for reading!

As always,
-Sora