The Meaning of Life
Head Captain Yamamoto calls a meeting to discuss the meaning of life with the other captains
I don't own Bleach. The meaning of life is public domain.
A/N: This story does contain the actual meaning of life. Knowing the meaning of life could make life itself less exciting for you, so don't read if you don't want to know.
Head Captain Yamamoto waited patiently as the other twelve captains filed into the hall where they regularly met to discuss issues of the squads and Seireitei. When the last captain took his place in the line up, Yamamoto banged his staff against the ground to draw everyone's attention.
"Now that all captains are present we may begin the meeting," Yamamoto announced from his place at the end of the hall. "Today we have gathered to discuss a matter of grave importance; the meaning of life."
None of the captains expressed any particular interest. Most of them even viewed this as a waste of time. It's not that they weren't curious to know, they just had better things to do.
Yamamoto continued, "We will each share what we believe the meaning of life to be in numerical order of our squad number. The purpose of soul reapers is to exorcise hollows and protect innocent souls, but we are here to discuss the meaning of life in general. I've got nothing. Therefore, Captain Soifon shall start."
Captain Soifon looked at the head captain disapprovingly. "The meaning of my life was to protect the Shihoin Clan. That's what I was taught," Soifon told the group.
"It's not invalid, but it cannot apply to all people, so we cannot accept it as the true meaning of life. You understand don't you?" Yamamoto told her. "Yes," Soifon responded. "Good. Then we shall move on to Captain Ichimaru," Yamamoto announced.
"Well, I personally believe the meaning of life is to have fun," Gin shared.
"I have to agree with Ichimaru on this one," Kyoraku said, "We should just have fun and relax."
"Very well. What do you think, Captain Unohana?" Yamamoto asked.
"To me, the meaning of life is make happy memories with close friends," Unohana said with a soft smile.
"That's a very pleasant approach. What is your approach, Captain Aizen?" Yamamoto inquired.
"Well I've never really thought about it, so I don't have an answer for you," Aizen admitted to the others, but to himself he thought, "The meaning of life is to become strong and rule over the weak!"
Ignorant to Aizen's dark musings, Yamamoto carried on, "And you Captain Kuchiki?"
"As with Captain Aizen, I have no thoughts on the matter," Byakuya explained calmly.
"Same here," Toshiro cut in, "I don't have an answer either."
"I see. What do you think, Captain Tosen?" Yamamoto asked pointlessly.
"The meaning of life is to follow the path of justice," Tosen answered predictably.
"Seriously, why did you even bother asking him? We all knew what he was going to say," Gin complained.
Tosen clenched his fists, but didn't say anything. Yamamoto answered, "Captain Ichimaru, you need to show more respect for your peers. We will now move on to Captain Komamura."
"The meaning of life to me is to serve the head captain," Komamura explained.
"That was almost as bad as Tosen," Gin told him.
"Shut up, Gin!" Soifon shouted.
"Head Captain, that mean lady over there just told me to shut up!" Gin whined.
"Shut up, Gin!" Yamamoto shouted as well, "It's Captain Zaraki's turn."
"I'm not a philosophical man, but the meaning of life is clearly fighting. We are given life to end the lives of others," Kenpachi said sinisterly.
"Oh please," Mayuri started, "Sometimes I feel like I'm the only intelligent person in the entire soul society."
"Is that so? Then please share your theory for the meaning of life with the rest of us," Yamamoto requested.
"The meaning of life is to perceive the universe," Mayuri stated.
"You may be right, Captain Kurotsuchi. However, we're all technically dead, so I don't really think the meaning of life is relevant to us," Jushiro explained awkwardly, "I think we should just stick with exorcising hollows."
"Captain Ukitake is right," Yamamoto agreed, "I'm calling this meeting to a close. Once again we haven't accomplished anything. Dismissed!"
A/N: That's right, Mayuri finally contributed something positive to society. I still hate him though. One of these days he's gonna get kido-blasted in the face; hard; like, really hard.