Discs.: I don't own CM or its characters!
A/N: And another fic I wrote. It takes place after Elle had left Hotch's office in "Boogeyman" - there are at least spoilers for all eppys up to this one...
Hidden feelings
1.Denial
When Elle had left the office, Hotch muttered a low : " I'll miss you too..."
He decided to pay her a visit after work - and that he won't leave before she agreed to come back.
Meanwhile :
When Elle left the parking lot tears were running down her face. She wished she had talked with Hotch before storming out of the office, but it was impossible for her.
Later that day :
When the others came back, Hotch left his office to tell them.
Without any introduction he just stated bluntly :
"Elle has quit."
The other agents of his team looked at him - not able to believe what their supervisor had just said...
"Are you serious?" Morgan asked.
Hotch was only able to nod. He felt so empty - telling the team had made it real...
He was almost at Elle's place, when his cell phone started ringing. It was Haley, who asked him when he would be home. Hotch thought for a while and Haley told him she needed him at home. He sighed and finally replied :
"I'm already on my way..."
He doubted that he would be able to change Elle's mind, so he took a turn and drove the shortest way home.
A few hours later :
When he was lying in bed next to his wife he realized that he had been in denial for a very long time...He had denied for so long that he had fallen for Elle - that the sudden loss of her was almost unbearable for him. And even if he wasn't her boss anymore he knew that it was a risk he couldn't take...He couldn't try to convince Elle to stay because he wasn't sure if he was able to stop himself from giving in to his feelings when being alone with her in her apartment...Some time later he realized that he wouldn't be able to sleep, so he got up. He heard Haley stirring and whispered :
"I have to get back to the office..."
He kissed her softly good-bye, then he left.
Half an hour later :
Hotch had been lost in his thoughts that he hadn't been aware of where he had been driving. So he was very surprised to realize that he just parked in front of Elle's apartment.
He saw that the light was still on, for a moment he considered to leave the car and to try to talk with her - but then he decided against it. He looked once again up to the windows of her apartment then he drove off - to the office.
Meanwhile :
Elle was standing at one of the windows of her apartment, which were facing the street. She saw the car which was parking in front of the building and instantly knew that it was Hotch.
When the car drove away, she let out a sad sigh and went back to the living-room. She wished Hotch had come up to her - so that they could talk...
A moment later tears were once again running down her face when the realization sunk in that he would never find out now.
He would never find out how she was feeling for him - that she had fallen for him the very first time she had worked with him, back in Seattle...She wondered if she should call him and asking him to come over.
Sixteen minutes later, at the office :
Hotch was sitting at his desk wondering what he should do now... He couldn't bring himself to get the necessary paperwork done, which would make Elle's resignation official.
But on the other hand he was not sure if he was able to keep denying his feelings for her much longer when she stayed. He knew that his marriage was falling apart and being around Elle almost everyday without feeling more and more drawn to her was getting harder with every case they worked on, and somehow he knew that it was going to become an impossibility some time soon...
Maybe - just maybe - it was a good thing that she had left, because he wasn't sure how much longer he would be able to resist the temptation to just give in to his feelings for one of his subordinate - and he knew that when he reached that point he would just stop caring for anything except of her, it would be reaching a point with no turning back for him - he couldn't risk that for the sake of his family, for his career but most of all for both of their sakes...It would destroy their good working relationship, not to mention their friendship and maybe even themselves...
He let out a heavy sigh and wondered if she had left, because of what he had said to her...For a moment he was tempted to just storm out of the building and go to see her, he tried to fight the inner need and one - even if he knew that this little victory won't last for long. A short time later he started to stare at his cell phone which he had put onto the desk. He wondered if he should call her...
Tbc
A/N : I hope you liked this fic, it sort of worked out differently as intended. Please review!