Take my hand part 1…
Hi guys so this is a four part story I've been working on for a while, it's taken me ages ! But it's finally finished ! Just a little warning here, this story deals with very sensitive and sometimes dark issues, so if you aren't comfortable reading this that's fine. If not do read and let me know your thoughts :)
It's beautiful up here, especially at this time of night. The sun's starting to set, ready to start a new day over the other side of the Atlantic so someone else can have a go at living out this thing called life. The world never seems real from up here, everyone is tiny in comparison to what I can see, the entirety of London looks huge but given the grand scheme of the world, I know it's just a tiny piece of land hoping to survive another day.
The thing is from up here, the world seems a better place, you can watch, be a bystander and try to understand what's going on below you. Or you can chose to ignore it all, ignore all concept of life and pretend you are the only one left, that everything is in your control.
You look down at the place your forced to call home and get the feeling of butterflies in your stomach because you know, deep down you never did belong there and you know you never will.
*JL*JL*JL*
The skylines perfect tonight, it's dusky pinks merging with the hot reds laying against the blackness of the buildings. It's a pretty beautiful redeeming factor for the shit tone of the rest of the world. And that's the problem… no one gets to see the best parts of life until they're ready to end it.
Like me… this empty rooftop has a lot to answer for… there's nothing keeping me standing in the safe zone in the middle of the floor. I could step over the edge within a second if wanted to. Just one tiny movement of my foot and that's it…gone.
It's strange to contemplate your own life isn't it? To not want to be 'alive' anymore. Our natural instinct is to fight death isn't it ? If you're in water, you swim and fight until your last breath is gone. To want to fight that isn't natural, it'd be fighting every innate instinct. Something must be severely broke in my head somewhere… but it doesn't feel like it.
I take a few steps forward and lean over the edge, not far enough for anyone to see me, but so I can see down on them… and it feels good. It feels like the best option I've had in a long time and it feels like something I can control.
"It's quite a way down isn't it?"
"nearly 40 metres" I said still looking over the edge.
"38.56 metres to be precise" I hear the voice, but I don't move, I don't want to know who it is... No one ever came up here. Just me. I don't think anyone else actually knows how to get up here. I turn and see a male possibly a little older than me, standing to my left, his hands stuffed into his jacket pockets, shoulders hunched. He nods his head into the distance "This building is taller than the houses of parliament y'know?"
Ok he has my attention now "I didn't know that." He nods his head with the flicker of a smile , but as soon as it's there it's gone again. "What are you doing up here?"
"same as you" he says confidently. "You want to jump don't you?" my hair catches in the breeze as he continues speaking. How could he possibly know that? "so do I. This is the best place for it. At least the last thing I see is this view… it's a pretty good place to die."
"yeah…I could think of worse places" I told him, moving closer to the edge. I peered over and looked down at the ground below. "How long do you think it would take to hit the bottom?"
He looked at me, his chocolate eyes burning deep into mine, but he didn't question my intentions he simply answered "From this building, about 3 seconds"
"That fast?" I ask, I honestly thought I would be longer, I don't know why I just did. I guess you underestimate the speed of time. You can travel from one end of the country to the other in a day, even fly over the other side of the word. So I guess 3 seconds to fall 40 metres wasn't that unreasonable.
"Quick isn't it… a fall like this would most likely be fatal." He said as if he'd imagined it so many times.
"It'd be over quickly then" he nodded "you've really thought about this haven't you?" I asked a slight smile on my lips because I knew from the look on his face, that he saw the beauty of this location as much as I did.
"yes." He was straight to the point. I liked that, there isn't a reason to lie up here, no reason to lie or to keep secrets. No reason at all. "I've never seen you up here before." He looked over the edge a little more and then turned back to me.
"Never seen you either" I retort.
"I don't like to be seen."
I couldn't help but laugh at him slightly "That's a bit creepy… hiding in the shadows. There ain't much hiding up here."
"I didn't say I hid. I said I didn't like to be seen. I like to be on my own. I'm not a fan of company" he mumbled. I shrugged at him and climbed up on one of the lower edges of the roof. "What are you doing?"
"Sitting down, what does it look like?" I honestly think he just rolled his eyes at me. Who the heck was he? It took him a few seconds but he came and climbed onto the edge too, sitting ridiculously close to me. He was very warm, and it was that fact that made me realise I was slightly chilly.
"So you come up here often then?" he questioned, his feet swinging a little over the edge.
I looked out over the ledge and across the streets, it was darkening more now; the sun completely fading, it's light being replaced by the street lights. "most days" he looked at me and seemed a little stunned. "you seem surprised?"
He shook his head "nothing up here surprises me."
"why the face then?" his face was pretty gorgeous, anyone could see that but I I'm sure he was scowling.
"I never thought I'd ever meet anyone who had the same view as me." He said truthfully "someone who's not afraid of death, but of life." I looked at him fully then, both of us smiling at the notion we shared. "what's your name?"
Did I want him to know? Having a name gave you life and that was kind of ironic considering the situation we were in. He raised his eyebrow at me, no love lost there then. I sighed and glared out at the darkening sky, but his eyes were burning into me. "It's Lauren."
"You don't look like a Lauren." He said. What was some sort of onomastician ? That's someone who studies names by the way.
"What exactly do I look like then?" I frowned keeping my eyes forward, my dress beginning to get caught in the heightening breeze. It was hard not to look at him as he remained silent though.
"I don't know. Not a Lauren. Your too free to be a Lauren."
I look at him then "Too free? I'm not free, I'm trapped. Trapped in a life i don't want… we both are, so much so we can't stand to live it anymore." we sat in silence. I count to 120 in my head, so 2 minutes of silence. It wasn't eerie, it was comfortable. "What name do you possess then?"
"Joey." That was a good name…I liked Joey. "Does that suit me?" I nodded and he chuckled, it was good that even in this situation we could laugh.
"Do you have the time?" I asked out of curiosity
"No. I don't do time. It's too restricting and no one ever seems to have enough of it. So no I don't have the time." He told me and to be honest, he had a point. Time was a pretty useless entity, you always seem to be counting down to something and half the time are left bitterly disappointed by the anti-climax. "Why? Do you need to be somewhere?"
"No. My parents have kind of given up on me. " his eyebrow raised in question and I actually considered tell him more , I mean what's there to lose? We're both up here for the same reason so I guess telling him wouldn't be that big of an issue. "I don't blame them" I told him.
"Blame them for what?" he moved from his spot and inched a little closer to me, but kept his eyes looking ahead and across to the skyline. He was sat super close now, so close our arms were touching, the fabric of his jacket brushing against my arm.
"for giving up on me. I've had a pretty shit life." I laughed almost ironically, why else would I be sat up here.
"you and me both" he confirmed. There was silence between us for a while, neither of us knowing what to say or do. It wasn't the usual situation to be up here with someone else, it was typically a solitary act, but I couldn't say I was opposed to his company. "What is it exactly that makes you think your life is so bad?"
I paused at his question, almost forgetting I had been the one to start the conversation. I shifted on the ledge and tucked my knees into my chest for some warmth. I could feel his gaze on me again as I tried to think of the least complicated way to explain things to him, in all, that seemed like an impossible task. There was nothing about my life that wasn't complicated.
"I have parents who would have much less complicated lives if I wasn't around. Mum had cancer, she and dad have been divorced and remarried more times than I care to remember. My brother died, his wife murdered someone… I am what social services deemed as a troubled child, I've been in care, been arrested, been cautioned had sex when I shouldn't have done, took drugs , had an affair with a married man and would much prefer to not have to spend another day in my so called family. And all before I turn 21, it's quite an achievement" I scoffed
"Wow" Joey murmured next to me "Sounds like you had a great childhood" there was a definitive sarcasm to his voice and I made me smile. He wasn't giving me sympathy like everyone else did; he just agreed.
"Ye it was picture perfect." I could feel the vibration of his laugh against my arm as I spoke, I doubted he realised. I looked at him and saw the grin on his face, he's looking right into my eyes and I can see something different there. It's a look I haven't seen for a very long time… I call him out on it. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
Joey shakes his head "I'm not looking at you like anything" he demanded but I knew he'd realised he'd been looking at me for longer than what would be deemed normal.
I stood up quickly and walked along the edge towards the corner of the roof, pausing as I felt him follow me. "Following me ain't going to make me drop it, why were you looking at me like that?" I twirled on the ledge with precision, keeping perfect balance and faced him. The darkness had set in now and things were different. The atmosphere had changed.
"you aren't like other girls are you Lauren?" he asked, looking me up and down.
"I'm not like other people." He smiled at me, his eyes turning a little deeper in shade and intensity "Me and you Joey are a mere percentage of people whose brains aren't wired properly. We challenge things, challenge life and why ? Because we can. We don't fit in this life and want to do something about it " I hopped back off the ledge and onto the floor, feeling stupidly grounded once I had. In the distance I heard the rumble of the tube pulling into the station, that gave me an indication of the time. It was my guide most nights, the 10:15 tube to Woodgreen.
"Where are you going?" his voice echoed after me as I sauntered down to the doors on the roof.
"I'm leaving...I have to be home." I said, but deep inside me I wanted to stay. Many nights I'd leave the roof with no problem, there was the odd occasion when I'd thought I would jump but to be stopped by something out of my control, as always. But tonight, it was in my control, I had the option to stay and Joey being here was making me think I could spend just that little bit longer here. I rid my head of the thoughts and shake my head at him "I'm sorry…" I apologise, not entirely sure what for.
"Will you be back tomorrow ?" his voice sounded a little desperate.
I turned back to look at him, pausing by the top of the steps "I'll be back… today wasn't the right day."
so what did you think of that? Something different to things I've written before, I hoped you liked it ...part two posted tomorrow xxx