Mmmmmm... fluffy goodness in my veins! Bow before me, fools!!! (lolz) And yes, I know that he can't really get a sunburn.
Jarlaxle rested on the beach, much the same way he had been before being menaced by a lobster not a tenday ago. The drow's soft snoring was ignored, unlike the color of his skin, which passers-by noticed.
The drow awoke from his nap, refreshed and prepared for a day of adventuring and treasure-hunting, and he didn't notice the snickers and smirks the other people on the beach cast his way.
He arrived back at the inn, a slight burning sensation on every part of his body except his face.
The aggravated drow scratched at the burning parts of his body, and when he looked, he found them to be red as the lobster that he ate a tenday ago. His screams woke his sleeping partner, the assassin Artemis Entreri, who had been asleep on one of the beds in the room.
Entreri sat bolt upright, and fell back down laughing at his scarlet partner. He had not laughed this hard in more than a decade! Not since he looked at the absurdly low fee Pasha Pook had tried to pay him for an incredibly difficult job.
Jarlaxle was still screaming his head off when Artemis finally relaxed enough to talk. He still chuckled when his partner tried to get that part of his back that not even a flexible elf can reach with a fake wand and just spoke to his hysterical partner.
"You have a sunburn." was all Entreri would say before he broke out laughing again.
Jarlaxle looked at him, then stopped scratching for just a second, "Is it fatal?"
Entreri rolled his eyes, and replied with a great deal of sarcasm, "Of course it is."
Jarlaxle's eyes widened to the size of oranges, and he dropped to the ground, rolling and screaming.
Entreri laughed all the harder.
Artemis Entreri watched his crazed partner rolling on the ground, trying to put out a sunburn that he thought was fatal. His mad laughter calmed down to a snicker, and he kicked the drow that lay screaming on the floor.
"It's not fatal, you fool. You're not going to die."
Jarlaxle stood right up, still scratching himself, "Really?"
"No."
Jarlaxle went down screaming again.
After both of them calmed down, they went to work trying to find a cure for Jarlaxle's insane ailment.
Their first attempt was painting Jarlaxle's face red to match the rest of his body. The crowds laughed harder than ever.
Next, they tried to attack the main problem of the sunburn itself. They tried Jarlaxle's healing wands first, but since the wand's magic was not supposed to clear up the problematic sunburn, it was completely and totally useless.
Jarlaxle looked up from his pale palms when Entreri walked into the room, a small barrel in each hand.
"You get my drink?" the red drow queried.
"I still don't understand why you like drinking mustard. It's simply revolting!" the assassin replied, dropping the barrel into the sunburned elf's hands.
"What's the other one?" asked Jarlaxle, a glob of mustard dribbling down his chin.
"Hopefully, a cure." his partner replied, a smirk on his face.
"What is it?" An obvious question.
"Poison Ivy Balm."
"But..."
"No, It's not poisonous, they name it that to keep little children away."
"But if almost everyone knows it's not poisonous, then why name it that?"
"I have no idea."
"Right. Let's try it out, then." The drow scooped out a handful of the greenish paste, and proceeded to rub it in.
He woke up looking like a pimple about to pop. There was a reason Entreri wore gloves.
The depressed drow sat in the room, a glob of mustard in one hand, having had to scoop the last of the condiment out of the barrel.
The itching came back.
Jarlaxle rubbed his arm vehemently, not even bothering to get the goop out of his hand, and after a little while the itching went away. Jarlaxle moved his hand to find that the area where he had scratched was its normal, onyx hue once more. Exited, he ordered more mustard.
The next day, Entreri walked into the room to see his friend normal again, yet shirtless. "Where do you think you're going?"
"To the beach." And the drow left.
Surreptitious Chi X wanted more, and I had to be psychotic not to oblige her. She's hot! (lol)