There had never been any doubt in her mind that she loved him. Even when she had agreed to marry Jack all those years ago, Jean-Luc Picard had always, in the back of her mind, been her one true love.

Somehow, though, fate had never wanted them to truly be together.

And after Jack's death, whether she was living on earth or a star base, raising her son all alone and working long hours as a Starfleet physician, she never stopped thinking of him. Jean-Luc Picard was always there on the edge of her subconscious. Even when he was star-systems away, he had never really left her.

Her posting on the Enterprise had been almost completely intentional, on her part. When she originally applied for the position, she had told herself that she wanted the job because there was a certain degree of esteem and distinction that came with being the Chief Medical Officer on the flagship. That was definitely part of it, but had she been completely truthful with herself, she would have admitted it was because of him.

She wasn't even certain that she would get the job, but she had worked her butt off trying. Starfleet officers were highly-competitive in terms of postings, and doctors were no exception. Luckily for her (and arguably the thousand people living and working on the Enterprise), she was far more qualified and skilled than most

The day she found out that she got job was a happy one. She would be with him again.

Over the next fifteen years, they had become close, perhaps exceedingly so. Their relationship had always been complicated and no one really understood it, not even them! There had always been the gossip and the whispers about a relationship between the Captain and his CMO, but it was never actually more than that. Sharing breakfast nearly ever y single morning and enjoying each other's company and expertise on the long missions into space was what their relationship was. They were simply best friends, even if they did both want more.

There had been many instances when she desperately had wanted to pursue a relationship with the Captain. Many. And she could tell when there had been moments when he had almost asked to take what they had farther. It was at those said moments that she always found a new subject to talk about or a something in sickbay she had forgotten to do.

It wasn't because she didn't want to have more with him. Oh no, she wanted nothing more than to sleep in his bed and be held in his arms, to be kissed by the man she had always loved. Fear was what kept her from acting on her feelings.

Often she thought of Jack and what Starfleet had done to him. She thought of the day she was told her husband and the father of her son, was dead. She thought of the first time she saw him, so quiet and peaceful, no longer exuberant and full of life. She thought of his funeral and what it felt like to bury the man you loved.

And then she thought of her job. There had been several instances when Jean-Luc had been injured. Sometimes his trips to sickbay were for nothing more than a broken bone or a laceration that needed closed. But there had been instances, more than she wanted to think about, when the difference between Jean-Luc joining Jack or remaining with her was nothing more than her skill as a doctor. It was during those moments, with Jean-Luc lying in front of her on her operating table that Beverly Crusher knew that they could never be together.

It was hard enough making decisions about his medical care without them being romantically involved. How on earth would she be able to function as a physician and as a surgeon if he was her lover or her husband? She refused to compromise Jean-Luc's medical care for the sake of her heart because there would always be times that he needed her professionally. It was not if, but when.

So she found herself having to be content with being his best friend and breakfast partner. If she couldn't be his lover, this was what she wanted. Not a soul alive knew Jean-Luc Picard better than her, and she was proud of that fact.

And she had lived a lifetime with him on the Enterprise, first D and then E. It was a good life that she had made for herself, but she was much older now. The sad fact was that at fifty-three years of age, she was still very much alone.

That was why she was making the decision she was now. After all these years, Beverly Crusher was actually moving on.