Does Anybody Really Know What Time it is?

by Oxnate

Disclaimer: Do not own BtVS or Home Improvement. Title comes from the song by Chicago. Don't own that either.

Challenge on TTH.

Summary: Challenge response: Xander on a TV home improvement show. Or in this case, the TV show, Home Improvement.

"Does everybody know what time it is?"

"Tool Time!" the crowd answered back.

"That's right! Binford tools is proud to present today's host, Al Borland!"

Al came out from behind the backstage divider and gave his usual salute. "Thank you, Heidi. I am your host, Al Borland. As many of you may know, Tim and his wife, Jill, are empty-nesters, their youngest having recently graduated college," he said as he paused for applause from the studio audience. "So they've taken a vacation to Hawaii. Tim assures me that he is in no way responsible for any volcanic eruptions that may or may not have started shortly after his arrival." This time he paused for laughter. "And because Tim knows how much it would mean to me to host by myself; personally, professionally, and what a great step in my career it would be," Al looked a little chagrined, "let me introduce to you our special guest-host, Xander Harris!"

The crowd let loose with a mixture of laughter and applause while the new host emerged. His appearance added a shocked murmur to the applause because the new host had a black eye-patch with a pirate skull and crossbones design over one eye.

"Thank you, Al. And allow me to introduce my own assistant, Buffy Summers," Xander announced as he waved back toward where a tiny blonde girl emerged from the back of the set.

"Wait! I'm the assistant! You mean, not only am I not the host, I'm not even the assistant any more?" Al asked in unabashed jealousy.

"Oh, right. We forgot the reason. Heidi, the reasons?" Xander said.

"Here you go, Xander," Heidi said as she wheeled out a cart with several dozen rods of rebar sticking up out of PVC tubes.

"Thank you, Heidi. Al, if you wouldn't mind choosing a piece of rebar, verifying that it's real, and then handing it to Buffy?"

"What kind of name is Buffy, anyway?" Al muttered under his breath as he went to the box. He completely missed the shadow that passed over the girl's face for a brief moment. He then picked out a piece of rebar at random and tried bending it several different ways before handing it over. "It seems real."

Buffy then took the rebar, took Al's arm, and bent the rebar around it. She continued winding it down and around his arm from shoulder to wrist.

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Al is Buffy's assistant today. And also why you shouldn't make fun of her name or her height, since she was just supposed to turn it into a pretzel shape and not take away Al's use of his arm."

"Um, right. On that note, I can't bend my arm." Al confirmed as he tried to bend his arm and the very real piece of rebar that was now holding his arm straight.

"Right. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford. Hopefully Al will have the use of his arm again by then."

"Alright, Buffy, could you please move the jack into place so we can lift the car?" Xander asked.

"But I can just-" Buffy started insisting but was cut off.

"I know. But we're not here to show people what you can do. We're here to teach people the right way to do things. Thank you, Al," Xander said as Al placed the jack that Buffy had been asked to place.

"No problem, Xander." Al started pumping the jack up. He had never appreciated how wonderful it was to have two working arms until today. He still wasn't sure how she did that trick. The rebar she had unwound from his arm was lying in a twisted pile at the back of the set; he wanted to take a closer look at it later.

Xander turned to the camera. "You folks at home are probably looking at a very familiar disclaimer right now. Usually Binford disavows all knowledge of what Tim does and refuses any liability for anyone trying to duplicate one of his feats. For the rest of this week, that disclaimer will now have the name 'Buffy Summers' in it instead of Tim Taylor. Don't try anything you're about to see at home." Xander saw that Al had jacked the front wheel off the ground so he turned back to Buffy. "Buff, the stand?"

Buffy pushed one of the stands with her feet... just a little too hard. It crashed into the jack, knocking the jack over, which brought the car crashing down. The shock on the front-passenger side bottomed out as it hit the floor. The car bounced high enough for the wheel to become airborne again then bounced a few more times without the wheel leaving the ground any more before finally settling to a stop.

"Oops." Buffy cringed.

"Folks, we'll be right back after these messages from Binford," Al covered for them.

"Welcome back to Tool Time. I'm your temporary host, Xander Harris. This is my assistant, Buffy Summers, and her assistant, Al Borland. Now, we were going to show you how to change your oil and change a tire, two things that every car owner should know how to do if you want to avoid being stranded and having to strip in order to make enough money to get home."

Al looked at Buffy with raised eyebrows.

Buffy scoffed and pointed at Xander. "Wasn't me. That was him."

"Moving on!" Xander said before anything else was said about him. "Our insurance adjusters aren't willing to let anyone lie under a car while Buffy is in the building. So we're doing tomorrow's segment, today. I'm not quite sure what we'll do tomorrow now, but we'll think of something."

"On a related note," Al interjected, "during the break, our producer informed me that the State of Hawaii does not have any conclusive evidence that Tim was responsible for the recent volcanic activity on the island he was staying on. However, the Governor of that great state has issued Tim and Jill with full refunds and first class tickets back here and an armed guard to make sure they boarded the plane. They will be back tomorrow."

Laughter and applause filled the studio.

"But since we already have guest hosts lined up," Al waved to Xander and Buffy. "Tim and Jill have decided to finish their vacation in the beautiful city of Cleveland, Ohio."

"Yes!"

"No!"

Buffy and Xander glared at each other. As one they both turned to Al and said, "We'll talk about this later," so in sync that you'd have thought they'd practiced it.

Xander spoke into the camera next. "For now, we're going to work on our wood carving skills. I've made a wooden duck that walks when you push it, Buffy has made... a stake."

Buffy shrugged. "It's what I'm good at."