Jimmy clutched the letter in his sweaty hand as he looked around the crowded saloon. His heart pounded nearly out of his chest as he thought how it had felt to get the piece of mail. Sure he got letters all the time. Most were official but some were from Lou or Kid or Emma or Rachel. This, however, was a name he didn't often see on an envelope and a face attached that he hadn't seen since the start of the war.

That damned war—anything Jimmy'd had worth having had been lost to that damned war. And even a few things that hadn't been worth much at all had been lost. He'd lit out of Rock Creek with Rosemary not long after Cody's unit had left. He knew that she was using his name and reputation for revenge but thought he could do some good anyway. He hadn't. Sharing her bed had made him nearly sick and her tactics made him more so. He was on the verge of leaving her so many times but wasn't sure what else he would do with himself. Then she had gotten her fool self killed—which he thought was maybe her intention all along—and he had to make his own way.

He had been fine. He shouldn't have doubted. He did some work for the Army and then settled into a life as a lawman and sometimes gambler. He guessed that was how the letter was able to find him. Sitting now in the noise of the saloon he thought to read it over again but knew he didn't need to. He had committed it to memory. Still, looking at the distinctive handwriting was a satisfaction in itself.

He recalled the day he had received the letter. He was sitting in his office with feet propped up and hat pulled low over his eyes as Teaspoon often did. There was a time when Jimmy scoffed and even outright laughed at the old man for this but it was a damned comfortable way to spend an afternoon. He had sat up when the mail was delivered and sorted through a stack of wanted posters and assorted official mailings from other marshals and things of that nature and then he stopped cold when he saw the letter. Addressed to JB Hickok. Try as he might to rid himself of that other name, most of the mail was sent to Bill Hickok. Except when it came from the people who truly knew him.

He'd know this particular scrawl anywhere too. His hands shook as he opened the envelope and read the letter.

"Jimmy,

I heard you stopped drifting and took a job keeping peace. I hope you're being careful. You never was careful enough if you ask me.

I wanted to write before now but didn't know where to send a letter. Even if I did, I suppose I wasn't sure what to say. But I got some news for you now. It's big news. I'll be a couple towns away from you around the holidays. I can get away for a while to come and visit.

Maybe it's been too long or maybe we parted too hard to be able to talk but I'd like to stop and see you.

So what are you doing New Year's Eve? Maybe you'll let an old friend buy you a drink. I used to know a decent enough saloon there. The Silver Spur, I think it was called. I'll be there for the supper crowd. If I don't see you, I'll understand.

Your friend,

Wm. F. Cody"

Jimmy pocketed the letter and looked around again. Then he saw him. Jimmy was pretty sure anyone sitting at an adjacent table could hear his heart thudding. He stood on shaky legs and offered a smile and his hand.

Cody walked into the saloon and looked around nervously. They hadn't parted on ugly terms exactly but he still wasn't sure how Jimmy would receive the letter. Almost immediately his gaze fell on a pair of eyes he would know anywhere. The face was matured, and mustachioed and the shoulders broader. But there was no mistaking the man. Those warm golden brown eyes would never change.

He walked as if drawn by an invisible force and soon found himself shaking hands with the man.

"Jimmy," he said, "You showed. Wasn't sure you would. Last time I saw you…"

"I know. It's good to see you, Will."

Those were the only words that passed between them until their meals were half consumed—or at least pushed around their respective plates enough to look half consumed. They didn't know what to say and the things they wanted to say died on their tongues with the knowledge that anyone might be listening. It wasn't even that, Cody chastised. He was afraid to speak of emotions that might no longer be shared. He was afraid to talk at all. He realized that Jimmy was speaking and looked up blankly.

"I said, did you hear Lou's expecting again?"

Cody shook his head.

"What's this now, their third?"

"Fourth if you count the one that didn't make it," Jimmy answered. "I'm surprised she's having another. She was just devastated when that one died."

"I remember."

The silence settled over them and was even worse for the constant din around them.

"So, you hear from Buck lately?"

"Last month I saw him," Jimmy replied. "He's doing alright. He moves around a lot but then he seems happier that way. Offered him a spot as deputy…I'd still trust him with my life. He wasn't interested though."

Cody just nodded. The meal was finished and they just stared at each other for a while. Until Cody dropped his eyes. He had forgotten how easy it was to get lost in Jimmy's eyes.

Jimmy sat there dumbfounded at the intense gaze of the man across from him. Their words were like those of near strangers, old acquaintances. But the looks they shared were something else. Jimmy wanted to keep the conversation going just so he could watch Will's mouth but the food was done and the things he wanted to say could not be said where they were.

"Got a bottle back at my place," he said hoping to sound surer than he felt. "Deck of cards too…It'll be like old times."

There was hidden meaning in those words for never in their old times did they sit up and drink and play cards. Jimmy hoped Will would still understand, that he would remember.

"Sounds good," Will replied.

Soon they were in the tiny house Jimmy rented. He had thought about living at the hotel but sometimes he liked knowing that he had more than just a few feet of space he could lay claim to. Knowing that he didn't have to eat with people if he didn't want to was worth the extra fuss of a house.

He tried to turn away to go and get them drinks or something, anything to break the stare that Will's blue eyes held on him. Jimmy knew they couldn't ever be together, not like other couples could be together. As much as he wanted Will, he had to walk away before he acted on it. Acting would make him want things he couldn't have. Acting would make this hurt worse than it already did. But Will didn't let him move away. Hands on his shoulders held him right there.

"Baby," Will said and that made Jimmy struggle harder and actually get free of Will's grasp.

"No…you know that's over. It has to be."

"Does it feel over to you?" Will asked with anger seeping into his voice. "Because it sure don't to me. I spent all dinner thinking how perfect your lips still look and would that mustache make kissing or…other things…feel different."

"Is that why you came here? There's no fewer than three brothels where you can take care of those urges."

"No," Will replied, "That's not why I came here. I don't know entirely why I did except that I missed you every single day. I missed someone caring if I lived or died. I missed that look we used to share before the lights went out. I missed how you just knew, how you always just knew what I needed. I missed how you loved me and how I loved you and I ain't even talking about making love to you—though you have to admit that was always better than any other."

"We can't do this and you know it," Jimmy said. His resolve was slipping. Will was more beautiful than he remembered. His eyes bluer, his hair silkier…damn it. He knew he could not do this. It couldn't last. It probably couldn't exist past this night and this room and Jimmy wasn't sure that was enough to sustain him. He wasn't sure he could bear having this beauty, this love back in his life completely for one night and then watch him ride off the next day.

"I know we absolutely have to talk. We just do. I lost two brothers already and more in the war who'd become like brothers before they died. If nothing else, I have to fix whatever might keep us from being friends."

"We're always friends," Jimmy said softly. "We just…can't be anything more."

"I heard about Rosemary," Cody said changing the subject slightly. "I'm sorry."

"It ain't like I loved her or anything."

"You're going to make me come out and ask, aren't you?"

Jimmy just looked back at Will like he didn't have a clue what he was talking about.

"Do you love me? I mean do you still?"

"I always will," Jimmy told him solemnly.

Jimmy watched Will come closer to him, covering the ground Jimmy had put between them. He felt the fingers twining in his hair and holding firm but gently to the back of his head and then the lips, soft and tender against his.

Cody pulled back and looked deep into the golden brown depths of Jimmy's eyes.

"I need you to hear me now," he said, "This is real important. I have never truly loved anyone but you. I don't think I'm capable of it. I still think of you every day. I think of times we spent just holding each other. I will always be yours, baby. I always will."

Years of pent up need and desire were turned loose then. They came together with great force and their mouths met in a desperate need to explore, discover—like coming home after being away and wanting to see all at once what was the same and what had changed. Their hands groped and shed one another of their clothes. Without thought or words, they ended up at the bed and their passions fully took the reins.

In time, Cody nestled his head onto Jimmy's strong chest. He was broader and more mature but still strong and powerful—and familiar. Jimmy's body against his and his arms around him still could make Cody feel safe and protected. It was no wonder at all that towns such as this one felt safer with him wearing a badge.

"Funny," Jimmy nearly whispered, "All these years I knew it was better with you but I had lost just how good it was. Or maybe I thought I was holding it up too high in my mind. Emma told me once, I think before my first ride, that I should stay away from the girls in the saloons and brothels because doing this without love would never be as good and I deserved to know love. I didn't believe her. She was right though."

"Yeah…she was always right," Cody said with a soft chuckle. "It could get on a man's nerves sometimes how right she was."

"Don't think this was what she had in mind when she told me there was love for me. Don't think it was what I had in mind either."

"This all wasn't in my plans either. What was it Teaspoon said when he found out about us? Oh yeah…you can't help who you fall in love with and sometimes the package they come in don't make sense."

"Thing is," Jimmy said, "This makes sense to me. It didn't always but it does now. If…if it wasn't for it not making sense to everyone else…"

"I know, baby."

"Why does it turn my gut to jelly when you call me that?"

"Because you know I love you. Does the same thing to me when you call me Will."

"So you said you had news…in your letter, you said you had news."

Cody tightened his arms around Jimmy and knew tears fell that he was powerless to stop. He didn't want to talk about this. He had come to tell Jimmy. He really had. It wasn't as if Jimmy wouldn't find out anyway but Cody couldn't bear the thought of Jimmy finding out some other way, from some other person—someone who wouldn't, couldn't understand. But Cody didn't want to be the one to say the words either. Not when he had just found his place where he belonged again. He didn't know what Jimmy's reaction would be really but he had a feeling it would involve yelling and he wouldn't be snuggled up so cozy anymore.

Jimmy felt the tears hot on his chest and held Will tighter in his arms. He kissed the blond hair, still silky and inviting, and then spoke.

"What's that about?" he asked gently. "The way your letter read, I thought you had good news."

"It is…to everyone but me. Well, everyone but me and you. I've been pasting on a smile about it and no one knows but I just…"

"Just tell me, Will."

"I-I'm getting married."

Jimmy felt as if his blood had been replaced with ice and he knew his whole body had broken out in a sweat that had nothing to do with their recent activities. The happy feeling inside him at hearing Will call him baby and hold him tight was replaced by a sick and foreboding feeling. It was one he had felt numerous times before when he heard his name called out on a street or in a saloon. The dread of knowing he might not live the next five minutes.

The only difference between all those times of getting called out and this was that there was no warning before the shot had pierced his heart. He'd not even had the chance to reach for his guns.

Jimmy knew this was inevitable. Will was a respected public figure and he needed the credibility a wife and family would give him. And Will deserved children. This wife, whoever she was to be, could give him that and Jimmy could not. Jimmy could never be anything but a dirty little secret for a man the likes of which Will was becoming.

He became aware of how hard he was gripping Will. His arms released almost as if scalded and he pushed himself to sit up, pushing Will from him in the process. He had to say something. He wanted to be angry and rant and rave and ask how Will could do such a thing to him but this wasn't Will's doing. This was the rest of the world telling them that they were living wrong and making his dear friend knuckle under to the small minds of the public that should adore him. He wanted to punch something, shoot something…attack the nameless and faceless that kept them from being together, from being happy. But Will was looking at him with equal parts fear, sadness and grief.

"She pretty?" was all he could muster.

"Yeah," Will replied, "She's pretty."

"That's good."

"I don't love her, if that's what you're thinking about asking. I don't. Pretty sure she don't love me either. She's proper and citified and I'm barely housebroke."

"Do-do you lie to her? Do you tell her you love her?"

Will shook his head.

"Ain't use in lying. I tell her I care for her and I do…most of the time. She can be sweet when she's of a mind. But I ain't going to lie to the poor girl."

"She don't know…" Jimmy let his words trail away knowing the meaning was understood without further words.

"No. You, me and Teaspoon hold that secret. Sure the hell wouldn't get her to the altar if she knew about this. You know that."

Jimmy just nodded grimly. Will was right. It didn't seem right that any man would head to the altar to promise himself to someone with that much hidden but then, there wasn't really a choice. By this time, Jimmy was sitting on the edge of the bed, shoulders slumped and his back to Cody.

"It ain't right," he said. "None of this…We ain't hurting no one. We're the ones got to be hurt so's other people can feel more comfortable? It ain't right."

"I know, baby. I'm so sorry. You'll never know how much."

"I could live with being apart from you," Jimmy sighed looking helplessly at his hands. "I could maybe even be alright with never being able to take your hand in public, or kiss you where other people can see us. I think I could live with that. But watching you do something that ain't going to bring you no joy just because it fits someone else's idea of what's good and right? Will…you deserve better, darlin'. I ain't even sure I'm the better but I love you at least."

"You are better," Cody told him. "You're lots better. If I could have you…really have you…I might never ask for another thing from life."

"You'd be selling yourself short. I belong in little towns keeping the peace or playing cards but you…you're something special. You always have been."

"Maybe I don't want to be if it means leaving you behind," Cody argued. "Maybe I like the idea of a ranch or something. Two old confirmed bachelors running a business and nobody being any the wiser about what we do once our door closes at night. Maybe I think that's better than the rest of this."

"Maybe it'd kill me just as much to see you hide from what you was meant to be as it does to give you up," Jimmy countered.

Before Cody could respond, the quiet was cut into by cheers wafting in from the outside and gunfire and explosions. Cody crawled off the bed and walked to the window. Fireworks lit the sky as people whooped and hollered and wished each other a happy New Year.

"Ever wonder why we bother to turn the calendar if nothing ever changes?"

Jimmy stood and brought the blanket from the bed with him. He crossed the room and stood behind the man he loved, the only person he had ever been in love with, and wrapped the blanket around the both of them.

"'Cause it does change for some people. I bet slaves used to think the same thing every year that went by but they can't be slaves no more. We might not live to see the change to come…don't mean it ain't coming."

Cody leaned back into Jimmy and closed his eyes contentedly as Jimmy kissed his shoulder, his neck, the side of his face.

"Don't do it," he said.

"Don't do what?"

"Give me up," Cody clarified. "Give up on me…please don't. I got to know that somewhere out there the one I love still loves me. I know everything's a mess and I know we can't live like we might like but don't give me up. I ain't ever giving you up."

"You should."

"Is that what you want?"

"I can't have what I want. You know that."

"Then promise me you'll always love me back—even if I'm the only one who ever knows it. Promise."

"I will always love you. I couldn't stop that for nothing. No matter what happens I won't ever love no one like I love you."

Cody turned in Jimmy's arms and kissed him deeply.

"You're the only one I'll ever love," he said. "I swear it."

Then he kissed him again and smiled.

"You know that would count as a wedding to some people."

Jimmy chuckled.

"That'll be the day."

"It means more to me than what my real vows will. I'm a rotten person to say that, aren't I?"

Jimmy shook his head.

"No…it's just a rotten world we live in."

"It's not all rotten," Cody smirked rubbing his body against Jimmy's still unclothed one. "Sometimes I think it's pretty damned wonderful."

Jimmy pulled Cody back to bed. Morning would bring the need for Cody to leave, to return to the life the rest of the world knew about. But the night was theirs. It was theirs and no one else's. They quickly set to making the most of the waning hours they would have together.

What are You Doing New Year's Eve? – Frank Loesser

When the bells all ring
And the horns all blow
And the couples we know
Are fondly kissing
Will I be with you
Or will I be among the missing?

Maybe it's much too early in the game
Oh, but I thought I'd ask you just the same.
What are you doing New Year's...New Year's Eve?

Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight
When it's exactly twelve o'clock that night?
Welcoming in the New Year... New Year's Eve

Maybe I'm crazy to suppose
I'd ever be the one you chose
Out of the thousand invitations you'll receive.
But in case I stand one little chance,
Here comes the jackpot question in advance...
What are you doing New Year's...New Year's Eve?
What are you doing New Year's Eve?

So the Bills told me they had a little holiday story. I know their stories are never entirely happy. I think some comfort can be taken in the fact that they do love each other. They can't be together or marry but they can steal these moments. And they know...they know they have love. Sometimes the knowing is comfort enough.

So...we are about to turn the calendar. 2012 wasn't all bad but it knocked us around quite a bit. I don't think I'll be terribly sad to see it go. 13 was always a lucky sort of number for me so perhaps 2013 will bring some good things. I can hope...don't have much left but hope.

So to all of you...Happy New Year! Stay safe while you celebrate and may the new year bring opportunity and blessings to you and yours.-J