Not the Whole Truth
Written by Tenchi Kai
Disclaimer: I don't own FullMetal Alchemist.
What makes me tick?
You know, I've been asked that by many different people, and this woman across the table from me is probably not going to get the real answer, but…
Well, the first thing you should know is - regardless of what everyone says - I'm no hero. I've got too much blood on my hands for that.
Believe it or not, this was not how I actually wanted things; this wasn't the way I intended it to be when I played army with the next-door neighbors. I knew being in the military would mean killing, of course, but I didn't know what a life meant then. I didn't understand the ripple effect – how one life gone means many more grieving at a funeral.
What I thought was that the people I would eventually have kill would be horrible, corrupt, disposable individuals. I thought I would have no trouble ending their lives. Of course, I was wrong. There is no black and white when you're ending someone's life; it's always gray. The gray area is broad, too. When does someone really deserve to die? What if the only reason they fought back was to keep you from killing them? The fact is that everyone means something to someone, somewhere. And that's the way it always was…every time I snapped my fingers.
Today marks the day of "victory" at Ishbal - at least, that's what everyone kept telling me (I actually tried to distract myself with a date…again.). Even though I put on this façade for everyone, I never actually believed that it was a victory. It resembled a massacre more; wasn't that the way everyone outside of the military looked at it, anyway? We never needed to be there, and King Bradley was never meant to make that order.
Second thing you should know is I am going to take the King's place.
No more people need to die needlessly due to orders reminiscent of Armageddon. Today is the day I remember why I'm doing this – what I'm fighting for. Call me naive, but I'm not even fighting for myself anymore. I'm fighting for Hughes's daughter, and the children like her. I'm working to help Gracia, too. I need to know they won't have to kill, like I did.
I need to know that people will be able to sleep at night without a gun under their pillow.
Third thing you should know…believe it or not, I do care.
When he wanted to join the military, I was shocked. He was younger than I was when I was playing soldier. I would never tell him this, but I see the same hope in his eyes that was once in mine. He was the lion in the cage that I could never be. Edward didn't have to give himself up, the way I did. I was simply a figure that spent his days working to become a bigger figure.
I thought I had seen everything, but Edward was worlds away from any kind of soldier I'd ever known. I watched the light come and go from every person that walked into my office to become a state alchemist, but Edward was different. That light was still in his eyes, and that was because he still had his soul. He didn't fight the way most of us did, he fought with his emotions.
I've been pondering the gist of this for awhile, and I will watch Edward scream at me at the top of his lungs, call me everything under the sun, and I will continue to call him short…because he's given me something I thought I'd never see again. I can look in the mirror and see the light in my eyes returning, and know that I will protect Hughes's daughter. I know that Hughes did die for the greater good, no matter what anyone else thought. I'll make sure he died for a reason.
So, what makes me tick? Knowing I'm going to make it to the top. Knowing that one day I'll be able to have my soul completely returned, and I won't have to wear this façade anymore.
"Knowing that I help people by being in the military." That will be my simple answer to the question I always seem to get asked. Sure, it's not a lie, but it's not the whole truth, either.
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A/n: I'm not sure when it happened, but I was hit with a Roy muse. It had something to do with fighting against the womanizer stereotype, I think. Please review, I'd be much in your dept.