I do not own any character that Janet Evanovich in her brilliance has created. There are characters that I have personally created in the story and I do own them. I play with all characters indiscriminately and torture and tease equally. My thanks to Ms. Evanovich for allowing us to use her characters for our own sick pleasures. I make no recompense off of anything written here in either cash or trade.

Thank you for reading and enjoy.

My name is Stephanie Plum and I'm past 30. Let's just get that out of the way right off the bat. I'm over thirty. I'm over thirty and I'm almost okay with that considering that I haven't got any kids and a husband…oh wait, that's not completely true. I live alone and I'm married. Well, I'm sort of married. I mean legally I am married, but let's just say that happy ever after isn't looking like it's in the cards. I'm married to the love of my life Ricardo Carlos Manoso. He's my husband. He's also my boss. He and my friend Tank…or as his momma calls him Pierre Jean Luc Thibodeaux, own Rangeman where I am still, through no fault of my own, employed. Most people know him as Ranger. I usually call him Ranger. But he has a whole host of other names I've been calling him lately. Most aren't good in polite company. The thing about Ranger is that he's sort of a cross between the most gorgeous movie star you can imagine, the greatest hero you can imagine and Fidel Castro. Yea…it's a weird combination. I haven't actually ever called him Fidel to his face. I have a feeling it would piss him off.

We got married in Grand Cayman on the beach under the moonlight. Doesn't that sound romantic? Okay, what if I add that we were both drunk, does it still sound romantic? Nah, I didn't think so. But we obviously thought it was romantic enough to consummate. But then sex and romance often have very little to do with each other or so I've learned. Life, it turns out, isn't much like a Harlequin novel. Doesn't that bite the big one?

Now all of this is on top of the fact that one of my best friends married another of my best friends the next day on the adjacent beach. Actually, technically we were married on the same day. Oh boy. That's gonna piss Lula off someday. Anyway…Tank and Lula tied the knot. They are happily married and spent their honeymoon in Paris. Actually I also spent their honeymoon in Paris. I just didn't spend it with them. You see I got home from their wedding cruise and I was still reeling from their wedding, my wedding, my parents moving to Boca, my grandmother trying to find a nudist colony in France that would take her and her boy toy Burt and then…to top it off, Rex died while I was gone. Rex, who was my faithful Hamster companion, had died and left me alone. You know, I'm sure there were bets down at Trenton Police Department on when I'd kill him. I bet it was a big shock to find out that I had nothing to do with it. Rex simply died of old age. So I did what any sane…relatively sane…okay whatever, I called my ex-boyfriend Brian and flew to France where he just happened to be with his brother and father before he headed to Australia. Brian loves and believes in me and offered me comfort when I needed it. Then he left me in his brother's capable hands and went to find himself.

Yea, I have a way of doing the worst possible thing to help my situation…at least, my marriage situation. Ranger probably wasn't happy about it.

He was probably even more pissed when I brought my ex-boyfriend's brother back with me from France. I like to think it would have pissed him off more if I'd brought Brian, but that's just me. Christian and his boyfriend Josef broke up just before I got to France. We commiserated while I was there over French bread, French pastries and French wine. Mostly it was French wine and trashing of our exes. Well, I mean mine's not legally an ex yet, but he says we'll get divorced but there's no hurry. Whatever! PS…it's not always the wisest combination to mix French wine and conversation about the men in your life who've really pissed you off. It can result in drunken transatlantic calls to your husband complaining about the stupidest things…or so I've been told. Anyway, I told Christian that he should come back to Trenton with me. I adored Christian and every girl needs a Christian in their life. Every girl needs a friend she can go shoe shopping with and share her every secret and someone who will only be catty to those who they both feel deserve it. Besides, we both have a thing for Ranger. It was meant to be.

So Christian moved into one of my spare bedrooms and I went back to work at Rangeman as though nothing had ever happened even though I was on pins and needles when I got back. I mean I thought I'd explode, but nothing happened. I mean nothing at all. It was as though we'd never been on the cruise and gotten married and talked about our divorce and I hadn't run away to France. We didn't talk about anything including our obviously ill-fated marriage. Life just continued on as normal. Does that suck or what? I mean seriously…the man hardly acknowledges that I exist much less that we're married. Maybe it doesn't suck. Maybe he sucks. Maybe I will call him Fidel to his face. The shit!

So that's why I'm in therapy. My therapist, Dr. Addison, who looks and sounds like Gary Sinise, says that instead of high-tailing it to France I probably should have given him a call and worked it out with him. Sigh. He's probably right. I mean he's a good therapist. Hindsight is 20/20 after all. I'm not even afraid of commitment anymore. I wish I could say the same for some other people. (Insert eye roll here.) Dr. Addison says that the fact that I ran away from the situation means that I don't want a divorce. Well…DUH! I could have told you that. But it's still nice to have it confirmed by a professional.

We worked through my feelings about Rex's loss. That was pretty big. He said not to hurry to replace him. I need to have time to grieve. He reminded me that I considered Rex to be the one constant man in my life. It's true, I did. He was the silent type, but I could tell he was listening to me. That's really all most women need. I'm thinking about getting a kitten next. It's just a thought. I'm not firm with it or anything. Besides, I've basically replaced him with Christian for now, only he talks back.

We've been working through my feelings about my parents moving to Florida. That's still a work in progress. I mean I've come a long way since I've been in therapy with my parent issues, but I admit there's still some distance to go. I love them. They love me. We don't always communicate well though. I do know I'm not ready for them to move a thousand miles away. But, in this case, I don't get to choose. For some reason they think I'm a grown up. I don't know where they got that insane idea. I suppose it's because I'm over thirty. They didn't find a place that suited their needs and desires on their first journey, but they're getting ready to head back down and look on the other coast. Whooohooo…not!

Then there's Grandma Mazur and her Burt. I actually hate to admit it since it sometimes seems their relationship is only sexual, but I kind of like Burt. He's good for her. She has even stopped carrying her gun. That's a big deal. I suppose there's not enough room in her purse for Viagra, sex oils and her gun. I'm going to have to think about which gives me the most nightmares. Well, maybe I'll just talk to Dr. Addison about that. I don't think I can stomach it on my own.

Valerie and Albert are doing great. They're even discussing having another child on the off chance that they'll have a boy. I wish them luck with that. Albert's law practice is finally taking off. He's changed his focus to child welfare and he's actually pretty good at it. He had to be good at something. Valarie is even staying home with the kids now and Albert is the bread winner. They're looking for a bigger house. Life is good for them and I don't even have to bring them up in therapy. I probably won't until Valerie becomes thinner than I am again and I'll be honest, that's not looking likely in this lifetime.

Okay…I've probably gotten that out of my system for a couple of paragraphs. Let's get on with this story. I know you're not thinking this whole thing is going to be devoted to my 'relationship' (insert your own air quotes around that word and the required Jersey eye roll) with Ranger. Let's be real. I'm Stephanie Plum…er Stephanie Manoso and as it turns out murder and mayhem just follow me around like I'm the friggin angel of death. So…this is what happened.