CHAPTER 1

I felt disoriented and had no idea what time it was as I slowly opened one eye. Judging from the pounding in my head, Kelly and I must have killed those three bottles of Pinot Noir last night...either that or the Lincoln Park High School Band was marching across my forehead. I couldn't focus on anything in the room and I silently prayed that it was Saturday and that I didn't have to jump out of bed and hastily get ready for work. Too many times now, I had arrived late wearing a crumpled blouse from my bedroom floor where Kelly had flung it, paired with a skirt that didn't match because I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to see straight. When will I ever learn that drinking copious amounts of any alcohol gives me a massive headache? More importantly, when will I ever learn to say no to Kelly? Probably never. Who was I kidding? He could get me to do just about anything these days and I was fairly certain that it would mean my eventual demise, both personally and professionally.

I had been dating Kelly Severide for nearly two months and I had lost all sense of time and space...and decorum. Before he strutted into my life, wearing his fireman's turnout gear and smouldering smile, I was a quiet, well respected social worker at Chicago Lakeshore Hospital. All that ended when I blindly said yes to his dinner invitation that fateful day in January he peered over my clipboard and insinuated himself into my personal space. He was charming, confident, had a touch of grey in his otherwise dark hair and had the most amazing blue eyes I had ever seen and if I hadn't been asked to pull a shift in the ER that day, we would have never met. Yet here we were two months later, curled up together in my bed after another night of excessive indulgence in red wine and what was possibly the most amazing sex I had ever had in my life.

He was so bad for me, yet so good. He was the first man I had let into my life since my divorce and I was still hesitant to totally let go of my emotions. The painful sting of having been cheated on by my now ex-husband had taken its toll on my trust. It was also quite obvious that Kelly Severide had a reputation. In short, he was a man whore and it seemed that no matter where we went, one of his former lovers would follow me into the ladies room to tell me in no uncertain terms that he would eventually break my heart too. So I remained guarded, taking care not to fall too deeply for him. I had been hurt before and by a man who vowed before God and our family and friends to love and honor only me. That promise ended up in the toilet. So far, Kelly had made no promises to me. No harm, no foul. Simple.

As I laid in the crook of his arm, I watched his chest rise and fall as he slept. He hadn't shaved in several days and his face sported a thick growth of stubble that often pricked me when we kissed...not that I minded. He was rough and volatile, but I had seen a sensitive side to him that he rarely let show. He had been recovering from painful disk surgery on his neck for the last four weeks and I had actually seen him shed a few tears in rehab, but he would deny it if I mentioned it. A hard candy shell with a soft inside...that was Kelly. I quietly smiled to myself as I slid upwards and placed a light kiss on his lips. He tasted of stale red wine and cigars, but I didn't care. He was beautiful, he was in my bed and he was mine...at least for now...and I continued to kiss him until he woke up.

"Hey you..." he said as he opened his eyes and rolled over towards me.

"You're up," I said coyly.

"That's not the only thing that's up," he said with a smirk as he rolled me over onto my back and positioned himself between my legs. He held my wrists down on the bed and kissed me hard, grazing my face with his beard. No more talking. No foreplay. Just down to business. That was Kelly Severide...a fireman always at the ready. As usual, I was powerless. He led the way as I lost all reason with each stroke of his hand on my skin and each thrust of his body into mine.

We collapsed back down on the bed, breathing heavily and shaking with the remnants of explosive orgasms, I wriggled out from underneath him and got out of bed. As I wrapped myself in my robe, I could feel him staring at me. Had we not just had sex, I would have pounced on him again. His hair was tousled and he had a sexy grin that would make any woman weak. I sat back down on the bed and grabbed the clock on the bedside table.

"7:04 AM...too early to be up on a weekend," I said as I took off my robe and crawled back into bed beside him. He gave me an odd look as I snuggled deeper into his chest.

"Umm, Mads...I hate to tell you this, but it's Monday. I go back to work today, remember?" he said with a grin.

"Shit!" I screamed as I began to race around my bedroom. I had to be at the hospital by 8:00 AM for a staff meeting and if I was even one minute late, my old hag bitch of a boss would have my ass served to me on a silver platter. I pulled a black belted dress from my closet, ran into the bathroom for a quick wash up and a brush of my teeth. I piled my hair into a French twist and grabbed a pair of black pumps. Kelly was standing naked at the bedroom door as I left, giving me a quick kiss before I flew down the stairs and out the door. I could hear him laugh as I ran out the front door and got in my car.

"Damn him," I thought to myself as I pulled away from the curb. It was times like this that I wished I hadn't bought a townhouse in the suburbs and that I didn't have a boyfriend who made me act out totally out of character. I tried not to think about it all as I sped through the streets of Chicago like a mad woman until I reached the Lakeshore employee parking lot. I grabbed my purse and briefcase from the passenger seat and ran at a dead heat towards the entrance. I quickly checked my watch as I pushed my way into the elevator. It was 7:57...I was three minutes early.

"Take that, Carole Bitch Conway," I said under my breath as I passed my boss' office.

Carole B. Conway was the head of Social Services at Chicago Lakeshore and for some unknown reason, she hated me. I suspected it was because I was blonde, 20 years her junior could fit into a size 10 and was better qualified for her job than she was. She was an old school social worker who refused to acknowledge the huge shift in family dynamics and core social work over the past 10 years. In her world, every child needs a woman for a mother and a man for a father, every homeless person needs a swift kick in the ass and every drug addict needs a twelve step program. Facebook and Twitter were the root causes of massive social decline and the iPhone was an instrument of the devil. In short, she was an old fart who wore polyester clothes, sensible shoes, a sour face and an air of disdain for the less fortunate people of Chicago. In shorter short, she needed to retire and live her life in relative anonymity with only her three cats for company and her battery operated boyfriend.

I sat at my desk and began reading over the shift reports from the previous twenty-four hours...

...a confused elderly lady who had fallen and broken her hip...

...a 6 year old boy with possible pneumonia whose parents are refusing treatment based on their cultist beliefs...

...a female college student who overdosed on diet pills...

The more I read, the more the words began to blur. This would have been difficult to read on any particular morning, but it was infinitely more difficult when one has not had coffee to clear the cobwebs from a night of drunken debauchery. I had to have coffee before heading to the conference room or else I would sound like a babbling idiot. I gathered my reports and notebook, got up from my desk and headed to the break room. On the way, I passed Emily's desk. Emily Morrison was my best friend. She and I hit it off immediately when I began working at CLH. Now a little over a year later, it was as if we had been friends for our entire lives. She was a smart, quirky woman with a wicked sense of humor who instantly made me feel at home in a strange environment. Without her, I would have told Carole Bitch Conway to shove this job up her ample ass by now. She had my back and I had hers and nothing would ever change that.

"What happened to you?" she said as she followed me into the break room.

"Kelly happened to me, that's what," I said as I poured a cup of coffee and stuffed a sesame bagel into my mouth.

"Ooooooo, I want all the dirty details at lunch!" she said with a grin. She was like a giggling teenager as we walked into the conference room together. The other two social workers were already in the room and Carole was at the head of the conference table, looking grim and slightly disgusted as she peered over her reading glasses at us. Her straggly chin length grey hair clung closely to her jowls and I felt my stomach heave at the thought that she probably hadn't washed it in a few days. She was hardly a professional, but then again I wasn't exactly the picture of professionalism today either. Now that Kelly was back to work, I held onto the hope that things between us would be more orderly and normal. It was a nice dream to have anyway.

"Ahh...Madeleine and Emily. Nice of you two to show up," Carole said sarcastically.

"We wouldn't miss these stimulating and oh so productive meetings for anything," said Em, equally sarcastic.

"Showing up on time would be more productive. Perhaps setting your alarm fifteen minutes earlier would help?" Carole replied.

"Perhaps not screwing your ultra hot boyfriend at the last minute before you come to work would also help", Emily whispered to me as we sat down. I jerked my head around to look at her and mouthed the words "how the hell did you know?" to her.

"You have that 'I just rolled off my boyfriend's disco stick and out of bed' sort of look to you," she whispered back. I started to cough and sprayed coffee all over the table in front of me while Em sat there practically choking on the giggles she was trying to suppress. That was why I loved Emily. Brutally honest, childlike in ways and always spot on.

"Do I need to call a Code Blue, Ms. Coventry...or can we get on with the meeting?" asked Carole. God, how I hated her and her buttoned up, granny panty, pedantic, old maid ways. Two hours later, our team emerged from the conference room ready to tackle the hospital's

social dilemmas of the day when we could hear Conway bark from behind.

"I'm getting a little tired of being subjected to the 'Mads and Em Show'. No one thinks you're amusing. The two of you had better stay on your toes because I'm watching you," said Carole with a nasty gleam in her eye. Neither of us said a word as she turned to walk away, but Em raised her clipboard and defiantly flipped her off.

"God, I wish I had your balls, Em," I whispered to her.

"Nah...you wear too many dresses. They'd shrivel up and be useless," she countered back.

Em and I agreed to meet at 12:30 for lunch and I headed to the geriatric unit to screen the elderly lady with with broken hip. After a lengthy discussion with her family and initiating the process to get her admitted into a nursing home, I went back up to my desk to complete the necessary paperwork.

It was 11:30 AM and I let my mind wander back to earlier this morning. I left in such a hurry that I didn't have time to wish Kelly good luck on his first day back to work. He had been out of work for most of the time we had been dating and all I knew was the he was the lieutenant in charge of Squad 3 at Firehouse 51. I had never been to the firehouse or met any of his fellow "brothers", as he called them, but had heard many stories about them. It had become obvious that he valued his job and I liked that about him. I called his cell phone to have a quick chat.

"Hey, you...did you get fired yet?," I heard Kelly's voice answer.

"No, smart ass...I didn't and I made it to work with three minutes to spare," I said.

"Lucky for you," said Kelly.

"No, lucky for you Lt. Severide. I would have to kick your ass to the curb should you be the reason I get fired from this job. I called to see how your first day back was going so far," I said. I would hate to kick his ass to the curb; it was such a fine ass

"It's been fucking fantastic! The guys are very happy to have me back. I feel human again," said Kelly.

"That's great, Kelly. You must have a special bunch of men under your command," I said.

"I do. Why don't you come for lunch? I want you to meet them," Kelly said with boyish enthusiasm.

"I can't...too busy...plus I made plans with Em for a short lunch break...a very short lunch break. Conway is riding our asses but good today. Besides, all that testosterone in one place might be too much for me to handle," I said.

"Come on...I wanna show off my girl! How about dinner, then? Mills is making lasagna and there will be cake. I know how you love cake. Besides, Shay and Dawson will be balance out the male hormones, " he said.

I hadn't met Gabriela Dawson yet, but I had met Leslie Shay. She was a paramedic on Ambulance 61 and Kelly's roommate. She was also a lesbian and most likely had more testosterone than Kelly did. She treated me with polite indifference any time I was at their apartment...probably because of Kelly's endless parade of women he'd brought there. I was just another in a long line of his lovers to her. At least that's what I told myself.

I glanced at my appointment calendar to confirm I would be free and planned to meet him at House 51 at 6:00 PM. I knew Peter Mills was the house Candidate and was the designated chef for first shift. After listening to all of his stories, I was looking forward to finally meeting him and all of his fellow firefighters.

"OK...I'll risk the testosterone overload for cake," I said.

"OK, baby...see you then...and you handle testosterone exceptionally well," he said before hanging up. He just had to call me "baby" and make it dirty. Actually, I didn't like being called 'baby'. It was a boys club cliche, but Kelly made it sound sexy He could make reading out of the phone book sound sexy. I finished my paperwork, started my report and headed down to the cafeteria to meet Em for lunch.

"Spill, woman!" said Em as I sat down at the table.

"Too much red wine...Kelly and I naked on my couch...on the floor...in my bed...forgetting to set my alarm...that's pretty much it," I said as I ate my yogurt.

I could suddenly feel my face getting red and I couldn't look at her. I felt like a naughty girl for the first time in my life and I didn't know whether to be proud of it or ashamed. It wasn't like me at all. I was always the good girl...good student, good employee, good wife...and I always seemed to get dumped on, so I was embracing this bad bee-atch for as long as I could. I just didn't know how long I could pull it off without losing more than I had gained.

In truth, Em was more suited to Kelly and his errant ways than I was. She could drink me under the table and shared his love of sports and boats. She was the kind of girl that lived in t-shirts and sweatpants on her days off and loved getting her hands dirty. The thought of breaking a nail sent shivers up my spine. I'd rather spend the day getting a pedicure or baking an impressive dessert than helping Kelly repair his boat. Remodeling and redecorating my converted brownstone was about as dirty as I was ever going to get...and least with my clothes on.

"Jesus, it's a wonder you're upright! You're such a lightweight," Em said as she picked at her bagel with melted cheese.

"Thank God he went back to work today. I need to give my liver a chance to recover," I said.

"And other parts of you, no doubt," said Em, smirking.

"He's invited me to the firehouse for dinner tonight. He wants to introduce me to his "brothers", I said.

"It's about time! What the hell took him so long?" said Em.

"I have no idea how Kelly's mind works, Em," I said trying hard not to define him or think too hard about why.

"But you know how other parts of him work , don't ya?" she said grinning.

"Stop with that, will ya?" I said, feeling totally embarrassed again but grinning like a fool.

"I need to leave here right at 4:00 so I can go home and make myself presentable" I said, feeling keenly aware of how bedraggled I looked.

"Go...I'll cover for you if necessary. Conway will never know," said Em.

"Thanks, Em. I owe you. Gotta get my ass back upstairs now," I said as I got up from the table.

"You owe me nothing. Call me tonight and let me know how things went," said Em as she and I walked to the elevators.

"I will...I promise," I said as we walked to our respective desks. For the next several hours, I would be throwing myself into my work so I could leave early. I wanted to make a good first impression on Kelly's firehouse family.

4:00 came and I think I left skid marks as I ran towards the elevator. Em made a motion to remind me to call her as I ran past her desk and I nodded in acknowledgment. We knew every dirty detail of each other's lives and I wouldn't have it any other way. Besides my father, she was the only person I trusted. She had never given me a reason to doubt her, unlike so many other people in my life. My ex-husband popped into my head for a minute.

"Bastard", I thought as I walked to my car. I quickly pushed the thought of him from my head. Kelly Severide was the man who was going to make thoughts of Stephen go away forever. At least I'd hoped he was. He had to be or else I would never be whole again.