A/N: My first DeathNote fanfic was wildly unsuccessful, so I am kind of hoping this one will do better. This is kind of a crackfic (If I'm not misinterpreting the term), spurred by a Profile thing where you put down twelve characters from a fandom and there are questions and scenarios and whatnot, and when this came out, I just had to write it. I'll write it down in a sec, and you can see the original thing on my profile, if you wish (but beware, there will be lots of scrolling involved as my profile is filled with an atrocious amount of random poo). This is not meant to be taken seriously. I'm not a huge fan of any of these pairings, really, but it made me crack up when I got it down. I just noticed that they are all gay...Hmm...Anyway, sorry this is short and stupid, but reviews are definitely appreciated, even a "ha ha" would suffice my extremely low standards. Now I feel like a review whore. Argh! Umm, anyway, I would write this as an M fic, but I'm terrible at that kind of stuff, so you'll have to deal with some fluff and euphemisms. Also, forgive me if I am using Japanese honorifics wrongly here- I am American. :/ Also, in order to make this work, Light's dad didn't die, Rem didn't die, and L didn't die. Uhh, I need to stop babbling... But one more babble: I will use puns throughout this fic and point them out... Sorry...

Here is the profile thing that started it all...

Light and Mikami are in a happy relationship until Mr. Yagami runs off with Ryuk. Light, brokenhearted, has a hot one-night stand with Near and a brief unhappy affair with Mello, then follows the wise advice of Rem and finds true love with L.

Enjoy!

"God..." Teru Mikami said softly. He had one arm wrapped around the man he loved and revered, the pair of them lying soundly between the crisp white sheets of a clean white bed in the early hours of the morning.

Light rolled gently so that he faced the other man. "Teru. Please, I've told you to call me Light, now. Light-kun if it makes you more comfortable, but...not God." Light's brown eyes searched Teru's. It made him happy that Teru honored him enough to call him "God", but it wasn't right, not when they were in a relationship, after all.

"Light-kun... Light." Teru said, as if testing out the name. He smiled and got a look in his eyes that Light knew very well. Teru would never be the first to make a move; though he was four years older than Light, it was clear who wore the pants there. The younger man smiled back knowingly and leaned forward to kiss him. He then shifted over and started to unbutton the dark shirt Teru had only just put on minutes before.

Teru and Light walked hand-in-hand down the street. It was oddly deserted, given the time of day, but they couldn't have cared less. They were not far from Headquarters, as they had only left the building a little while ago, and Teru got the feeling that someone was watching them. Well, eat your heart out, folks, because I'm in a relationship, a true, physical relationship- with God! A smug smile lit his face, and Light didn't miss it. "What's so funny?" he asked lightly(silly silly puns), in a voice that suggested more easy conversation than genuine curiosity. "Nothing. Just thinking about how lucky I am." he grinned. Teru had not felt this happy since.. Well, ever.

"How lucky you are? I'm pretty lucky myself, I think." Light responded, chuckling. Teru blushed and squeezed his lover's hand. "So, do you-" Light began before being cut off as a familiar voice shouted Light's name from somewhere behind them.

"Light-kun!" It was Matsuda, the rather annoying member of the Kira Investigation that Mikami had met a few times, when coming 'home' with Light. He was so oblivious to the fact that Kira -both of them- were right under his nose, it made Teru laugh sometimes. And yet, here he was, interrupting some of the precious time he got to spend with his boyfriend. Teru had half a mind to write his name in the DeathNote just for that, but he wouldn't, if only for Light's sake.

Light turned and stepped forward, still firmly grasping Teru's hand so as to tell him that he would not leave. "What is it, Matsuda-san?"

Glancing uncomfortably at Mikami, Matsuda began, "It's your father, Light..."

Light made a small noise of shock and his eyes, the ones Teru thought were so deep and beautiful, widened dramatically. "What's happened to him!" he asked urgently.

Matsuda made a weird expression, with apologetic eyes and a sort of half smile but managing to look wary and confused at the same time, before answering. "He's run off... with the Shinigami. Ryuk." Light's hand finally fell away from Teru's to cover his mouth in shock and horror.

"No!" He gasped, distraught. Whats was wrong? His father would come back, surely, so why was Light acting this way? Perhaps because his father had run off with a Shinigami? But no, that didn't make sense, because Teru happened to know, as no one else did, that Light and Ryuk had actually had a thing- Wait. Could Light still- no! Light had feelings only for him! He had told Teru that so many times, reassured him so many times that he would never leave him and that it was only Teru, that it was Always. Only. Teru. But... this was Light Yagami. Kira. Master of deception and lies, so good at the act that he hadn't been caught as a mass-eliminator for years, even in the heart of the investigation itself.

Light walked in the opposite direction of Headquarters, not even bothering to look back as he shouted angrily, "It's over, Mikami!"

Yagami Light's heart was being torn in two. Ryuk, his Shinigami, his friend, his once-lover, had run off with another man... And that man was his dad! He had started a relationship with Mikami to get over the stupid Death God who never came back, and now he was with his dad? A tear fell from Light's eye, the first to fall in years. He did not cry when he gave up ownership of the Death Note, even knowing that he would forget about Ryuk. He just gave the God a kiss and relinquished the tool he would use to shape the world. He swore that once he got the Death Note, and his memories, back that everything would go back to normal. But then he did get the notebook back. He got his memories back. And Ryuk never came back. Light waited and waited, wondering if Ryuk had gotten into some kind of trouble, or if he was just busy. But the months stretched on, and still he never returned. So he developed what he thought were real feelings for Teru... But they were just a shell, trying to hide the hurt within.

Light clenched his fists as the tears kept falling, as he remembered when he first realized his feelings for the God...

A few more names... And then I can be done for the day. "Hey, Light." Ryuk inquired. I tossed him an apple without pausing to wonder if that was what he was asking for; but usually it was. So when the apple fell with a thud to the ground, I looked around in surprise. Ryuk wasn't there. "Over here, dummy." the Death God said with a note of amusement in his tone.

"Yeah?" I ask, realizing he was standing at my back the whole time.

He leaned over and touched a finger to the Death Note, pointing at the name of a murderer he had written down a minute ago. "You spelled her name wrong." I double-checked, and he was right. What a foolish mistake! "Are you distracted? That isn't like you?" Ryuk said, half-concerned and half-chastising.

My face reddened ever so slightly. "Why are you worried? I thought you weren't on my side?" Briefly, I imagined a hundred responses that made me blush more.

"I-I'm not. Really." The Shinigami replied. I let out a slight sigh. That wasn't one of them. Ryuk takes a step so that he is standing in between me and the desk and looks into my eyes, running one long finger down my cheek. That was.

"Agh!" Light growled and dug his fingernails into his palm. Why? Why did Ryuk do this to him? Was he not good enough for Ryuk? Not smart enough, not cunning enough? I'll show you cunning, and I'll show you just how over you I am, Shinigami! Light swore mentally before he stood up and walked to the bus station. A somewhat-crazed light in his eye, Light walked confidently, his head held high and a dark smile playing across his lips.

"Light!" Near cried in ecstasy. The white-haired man, who looked almost like a child with his small stature and large eyes, looked at Light with lust and happiness. He only smiled back at the look of rapture, secretly laughing at how easy it was to convince his enemy that he wasn't Kira simply by sleeping with him. He pulled on his pants, quickly doing up his belt. Who's cunning now, Ryuk? See what I can do! Do you feel what I feel now? But this thing with Near; it wouldn't do. Near was not Ryuk. He couldn't satisfy Light the way Ryuk could, and he did not love Near.

Love? He thought again. Did he love Ryuk? Maybe. Probably. He shook his head. No! Don't even think about the Death God. Think about moving on. But.. not with Near. Near looked too much like a child, making Light seem like a pedophile even though he was just in high school... And if he kept up a sexual relationship with Near, he might even let slip something that could help his snowy-haired opponent to reach the conclusion that he was Kira. And that just wouldn't do. No, he couldn't sleep with Near again. Yet he thought he knew someone who could help him get over Ryuk...

"Mello?" Light called. It hadn't been hard to figure out where Mello was hiding out based on the clues he had left... Almost as if Mello wanted to get caught by him. Or someone else. His hiding place was underground, the tunnels completely black, devoid of any light. (Ha ha puns...)

A voice came from a little ways ahead, accompanied by the sound of several guns being cocked. "Who are you and what do you want?"

"My name is Yagami Light. I am looking for Mello." he said easily, his heart rate not even increasing in spite of the apparent danger he was in. Yet he knew that Mello and his lackeys would not shoot.

A flashlight was switched on and was shone into his face, possibly proving his identity. In the moment it took his eyes to adjust, Light was completely blind, but once they did, he saw that the person in front was indeed Mello, though with a huge scar that marred one side of his face. The flashlight was switched off again before he could get a good look, and someone grabbed a hold of his arm with a gloved hand. He stumbled along as they led him down some passageway with too many twists and turns for him to memorize his way back. At last, they came into a room with a creaky door and he was pushed into a chair before an overhead light was turned on.

Mello had been the one to lead him to this room, and there was no other with him. Light knew no one had walked their with them, or he would have heard a third pair of echoing footsteps as they traversed the rocky passage, but he thought perhaps someone would be waiting wherever they were going. Apparently not, but it was highly likely that the room was bugged and that he was being watched through video camera surveillance.

Light stood from his chair and walked the few steps forward it took him to stand face to face with a wary Mello. He leaned forward and kissed the scarred man deeply, even running his fingers through his long blonde hair. "Can you help me?" Light asked, with just a hint of coyness in his tone.

Weeks passed, and Mello and Light's secret relationship remained hidden from the other members of Mello's so-called team. Light gained more and more of Mello's trust, never forgetting about his mission and that Mello was really his enemy. That was part of how he had fallen for Ryuk, by being distracted from his work as Kira, and he would not make the same mistake with this man.

Not that he would, even if he wasn't Kira. Mello was not an easy partner. He was needy, demanding, and would happily take a mile if you gave him an inch. He smoked incessantly, even when he and Light were going to... Well, you know. He yelled if Light didn't do everything his way, and Light couldn't react back the way he wished to. He just had to sit there (or rather, lie there,) and take it. It was not a happy affair.

Salvation from this degrading and overly demanding experience came in the surprising form of a Shinigami; the very species Light had decided was evil and could do no good. Rem appeared to him one night as he lay in Mello's bed, hating himself. Mello had already disappeared, as was ritual... When Rem appeared. Light nearly jumped out of his skin.

"You! Shinigami!" he hissed, his own terrible memories clouding his judgement. He threw something at her, perhaps a pillow. Of course, ti went straight threw it.

She frowned at him, a rare expression of emotion in her usually blank face. "Yagami Light, this isn't like you." he flinched at the painfully familiar words. "You are above this, this groveling at the paws of a dog just to get back at a Shinigami." At this, Light cried out slightly in shock. She knew? "You must return to the real world, and protect Misa Amane." Rem said. Getting a slightly mischievous look in her eye, she added, "You have tried to be with two of your enemies now, to see where you belong... Yet your soul mate lies exactly where you do not wish to loo, in the form of the one you consider your greatest enemy..." She smiled and disappeared.

Greatest enemy? That had to be Ryuk; the Death God was his worst enemy, having betrayed him in the worst way. But how could Ryuk be his soul mate while Rem scoffed at his petty revenge on Ryuk; sleeping with Near and Mello? But she said he had 'tried to be with two of his enemies now', obviously referring to Near and Mello, so if he took that into consideration, his greatest enemy would be a third, only better than Near and Mello. Wait- no. Not him. Rem couldn't mean him!

Regardless, he did need to get out of here. He realized that now. Light knew his way through the underground fortress almost by heart, and Mello would probably think he was kidnapped or something, so he would still have L's supposed successor's trust... It was a simple matter to find his way out of the tunnels, telling the only person he saw within its halls that he was just going to take a pee.

Light returned to Headquarters for the first time since he had broken things off with Mikami. He had gone directly from SPK Headquarters to Mello's base, so he had been missing for some time. He walked in the doors (unlocked, even though it was almost one in the morning) and took the elevator to the floor he knew L would likely be on; the research floor. As the metal box rose in the elevator shaft, butterflies worked their way into Light's stomach. He cursed the invaders silently and willed them away as the doors opened once more.

L was on the floor, as expected. More surprisingly, he was the only one there. Matsuda at least would usually stay until two or three AM, while his father would stay later... But of course his father was off somewhere with Ryuk. Light waited for jealously to turn his heart into an angry viper, for hate to cloud his gaze. But it didn't. Only the butterflies affected him. What the hell?

"L..." he said as he stepped out of the elevator and into the room. The detective spun around slowly in his chair.

"Hallo, Light-kun." he waited for a response, and when he got none, he continued. "You were missing. For three and a half weeks. May I ask where you went?"

Kicking the toe of his shoe against the ground awkwardly, Light half-smiled. "You sort of already did." L's expression did not change. Light cleared his throat and continued, "I was at Mello's hide-a-way."

L nodded, pushing a finger into the corner of his own mouth. "Yes, I heard about your little adventures with Near and Mello." Even though this did not particularly surprise Light, he blushed.

"L, I..." Light trailed off and crossed the room to stand next to L, still perched in his chair. He leaned down, red as a stop sign, before L held out a hand and stopped his lips.

Light drew back, practically dripping crimson. "Ah-ah-ah." L said, and a tiny smile turned up the corners of his mouth. "You won't daw me in so fast, Light-kun. I will not deny that between us, there is... Chemistry, but I am not so easily tricked into love as Near or Mello." Light simply stood there, still utterly red. Didn't L understand that Near, Mikami, Mello, even Ryuk; none of that was real... This was, and this was the time he got rejected. Mortifying. As if he could read Light's thoughts, L continued, "You'll have to work to prove your innocence and your feelings to me, Light-kun, but... I like you, too." With that, L shooed him away and continued to research.

(They did end up together.)