Preface

I had never given much thought to how I would die – though in the past few months, I had plotted more than a few ways to take out my roommate – but even if I had, I never would have imagined this.

The monster holding me hostage was like no monster I'd ever seen. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding as I saw my would-be savior standing before me, but the look of pure emo in his eyes was not improving my outlook on life.

Surely it was a good way to die, in front of crowds of people like this. I mean, at least I'd make the news, right? That had to count for something.

I knew if I'd never listened to my roommate, I wouldn't be facing death now. But as terrified as I was, I couldn't bring myself to regret taking her shitty advice. At least it had brought me to him, and I could never regret the last hour we'd shared.

The monster tightened his sticky grip around my waist, and I looked into the sad, blue orbs of my love for the last time.

*.*.*

Thank God. I was finally home from the worst day in the history of my existence. Things could not possibly have gotten any worse. Or so I thought.

I had overslept, spilled coffee all over myself when some asshole nearly ran me over on Bleecker, and missed the first 20 minutes of my exam. I had dropped my phone down a sewer grate, lost most of my groceries to a ripped bag, and been splashed with disgusting muddy rainwater by a cab that couldn't be bothered to slow down. Not to mention that I tripped approximately 87 times in four hours despite the fact that I was only wearing ballet flats and yoga pants. Seriously, who the hell was that clumsy? Apparently, I was.

I thought things were looking up when I went to pick up my microwave from the repair shop. Alice had suggested I take it to her cousin Edward instead of buying a new one. Apparently his superior geekiness would be enough to save it. I just wanted it back. My dorm room was like a moonless night without it. No ramen, no spaghettios… my life was a black hole of despair.

Then I met Edward, and my bad luck continued. He hadn't been there when I dropped the microwave off a week ago, and as soon as I saw him, I was glad for the lack of previous contact. I'd hate to encourage him with any sort of repeat interaction. He looked like the type who might easily become obsessed – like dangerous stalker who likes to watch you while you sleep sort of obsessed.

"Hello there, my love," he simpered, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose.

"Um, hi, Edward. Is my microwave ready?"

"It sure is, my sweet. I put in a few extras for you, it's really turbocharged now. Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at all?"

"Nope, I'll just take my microwave and then I'll be out of your hair."

"Would you like to stay for awhile? You seem very fond of kitchen appliances. I could show you this vintage blender I've been restoring for my Aunt Esme."

My hand was resting on the counter between us, and he reached out to cover it with his, running soothing circles over the back of it with his thumb. I cringed in disgust and yanked my hand away from him.

"Listen, Nerdward, I've had a really shitty day, and all I want to do is go home and eat a nice steaming bowl of ramen. Now hand over the microwave, or I'm going to claw your eyes out with a rusty spork."

He looked a little freaked out, and I thought he might break his nasal sinus with the way he was pinching that sucker. I guessed it didn't take much to scare him. He handed over my beloved, and I stormed out of the repair shop triumphantly. Nobody fucks with a spork.

I got home and was relieved to see my roommate Alice asleep on the futon, shopping bags from her latest excursion littering the floor of our common area. She was an annoying little sprite and the less forced interaction we had, the better. I carried my glorious example of kitchen appliance genius over to the kitchen area. And by "kitchen area," I mean the elfa compact fridge cart that held all the keys to my survival. The bottom drawer was reserved for cereal, boxes of macaroni and cheese, and my precious stash of ramen. The top drawer held all my canned favorites and utensils. I reached for my favorite chicken ramen, but my fingers scraped the bottom of the box. What. The. Fuck.

I turned around sharply and glared at my roommate. She was snoring way too loudly for someone of her midget-like stature, and she had a rather large and suspicious empty bowl sitting on the table next to her. She did not.

"ALICE?!" I yelled. She shot up like I'd lit a fire under her.

"What? Who died?"

"You, in just a minute. Did you eat my ramen?"

"Um, was that yours?"

"Let me rephrase. Did you eat the ramen in the box in the bottom drawer of my food cart? The box that's labeled 'Bella's ramen: if you eat this I will fucking kill you, Alice!'"

"Oh, that ramen. Um, yeah I guess I did. I was hungry," she shrugged, her giggles grating like nails on a chalkboard.

I thought I was going to explode, and I could feel my face threatening to blush in anger. I knew I needed to chill out or I really was going to hulk out and kill her. As soon as I started blushing, she was fucked. She wouldn't like me when I was angry.

I turned around and stormed the four feet back to my "kitchen area," trying to ignore the siren call of the spork in the top drawer. My spork didn't deserve to be tainted with fairy blood.

I was starving and in desperate need of sustenance. Junk food sustenance. I pulled open the bottom drawer and my eyes fell on a bag of marshmallows. Perfect.

I pulled them out and ripped open the bag, shoving two in my mouth. Delicious. Then I saw the unopened box of Rice Krispies, and a plan was formed. I pulled out my big mixing bowl and dumped in the marshmallows, shoving it in the microwave. I read the back of the box, punched in the numbers, and sighed in relief. I was approximately 180 seconds away from crispy, sugary bliss.

Only after the first 60 seconds, I noticed that things were starting to get weird.

First, I could tell that my microwave sounded a little off. That wouldn't have bugged me if it hadn't started glowing orange at the 90 second mark. That shit was just freaky. I was distracted, though, watching the marshmallows inside melt down slowly to form a ubiquitous mass of sticky deliciousness. At 120 seconds, I realized that there was something very, very wrong. The mass o' deliciousness was quickly becoming a mass o' scary. It was bigger than the bowl and still growing. I pushed the 'stop' button, but nothing happened. I tried desperately to open the door of the microwave, clawing at the hinges when the button didn't work. Nothing. At 150 seconds, I unplugged the damn thing. NOTHING. At 180 seconds, I thought my world was ending.

The microwave exploded in a cloud of black smoke and I was propelled backwards. I heard Alice shrieking, her usually piercing enough voice now at decibels which I thought would only be audible to canines. I should be so lucky. I swear her voice sounded like the bells that would be ringing at the gates of hell. I clapped my hands over my ears and yelled at her to shut her pie hole or I would forcibly shut it for her.

When the smoke cleared, I wished the blast had killed me dead. Standing before me was a mass o' terror. My potentially delicious snack had somehow transformed into a living, breathing nightmare. The marshmallow man was at least twelve feet tall and still growing, hunching over at the waist when he became too tall to stand. Alice was still screaming her head off in front of him. I wished in that moment that the beast had a mouth so he could eat her already and rid the world of her annoying presence.

As if he heard me, the monster opened wide and did my bidding. He snapped off her head first, and the room was then blissfully silent. Blood squirted out of the gaping stump of her neck, leaving a Pollock-esque spatter over our dreary walls and ceiling.

Hmm. Nice use of color.

He finished the job quickly, swallowing the rest of her tiny frame in one gulp and then belching loudly. Well, fuck. I wasn't sure if I should shake his hand and thank him for his benevolence or keep hiding. I settled on hiding.

Suddenly, I heard pounding on my front door. Who called the Ghostbusters?

"Bella?! Bella, darlin', what's going on in there? Bella, can you hear me? BELLA?!"

Jasper's frantic shouts seemed to spook the demonic creature, and he took off, busting through the outside wall and windows with ease. Watch out, New York City.

Jasper kicked open my door, and before I knew it he had me wrapped in his arms and was carrying me bridal style to the futon. He started running his fingers through my mahogany locks soothingly, pulling out random clumps of white goo. I hadn't seen him in weeks, and I had nearly forgotten how entirely hot he was. One time he told me he wore black on the outside because that's how he felt on the inside, or some emo shit like that. He was still a stud. An emo stud. I was momentarily dazzled by his presence before I remembered that a deranged marshmallow man had just eaten my roommate and was now unleashed on the city.

"Darlin', what happened? Where's Tink? What's all this blood and smoke?"

"You scared him away, Jasper. Thank you! And quit calling me darlin' before I junk punch you."

"Scared who away? Did someone hurt you?"

His embrace grew impossibly tighter, and I gasped as the air was forced out of my lungs.

"No, I'm fine," I choked out. "The marshmallow beast ate Alice though, and now he's escaped into the city. We should probably warn people or something."

"Um, marshmallow beast? What the hell, Bella? Have you been smoking something?"

"Nope," I said, popping my "p" with gusto.

I sighed and pushed him away. I gave him a cliffs notes version of my horrific day and the microwave debacle. I didn't know what Nerdward had tried to do to my microwave, but I hoped my marshmallow beast made quick work of him while he was out rampaging the city. I could hear the screams of the people on the streets echoing in through the gaping hole where the wall used to be.

Jasper watched me carefully. His gloriously blue eyes were locked on my own chocolate pools and were becoming more sad and depressed at each word out of my mouth. Suddenly, he kissed me, and he kissed me good. His hands were clawing at my hair, and our tongues battled for dominance. Immediately, my panties were wet with want and I had visions of his throbbing member at my dripping entrance. God, I bet Jasper was hung like a rogue elephant.

Then I remembered the marshmallow monster of doom, and decided playtime would have to wait.

"Jasper, stop," I gasped. "We have to warn everyone. That thing could eat a baby or something. Or worse, what if it starts to reproduce? Little demon-marshmallow babies running around biting people's heads off."

"Like a demon spawn? Don't worry, Bella. I'm going to stop him. I have a plan."

"What are you going to do? Emo the thing to death?"

He blushed furiously, ducking his head. I felt bad for adding to the emo, but dude clearly had issues. He was awfully cute, though. Definitely in need of a shower and a little color in his wardrobe. Maybe even… Ugh. I shook my head to clear it and focused on the task at hand.

"Whatever we're going to do, we have to do it fast. People are dying out there, Jasper. DYING."

"Meet me downstairs in 30 seconds and we'll go. I need to grab my secret weapon."

I met him on the curb 36 seconds later, and he was wearing what appeared to be some sort of chrome torture device on his back. I made a mental note never to fuck with Jasper.

"What is that?" I asked.

"Don't worry about it now, let's track down that monster."

He grabbed my hand, dwarfing it inside his, and we took off through the streets. I was worried at first that we'd have trouble tracking the beast, but he was leaving behind trails of white stickiness as he rampaged. I could hear the screams and roars growing louder as we closed in. People were running toward us, away from the danger. We were heading straight for it.

My eyes finally fell upon the monster. He was in the process of kicking over the arch in Washington Square Park, and the masses were fleeing from the tumbling of rubble and his tyrannical footfalls.

"Jasper, wait here. I think I might be able to reason with him. He seemed to listen to me about killing Tink before. I think I can control him with my mind."

"Um, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want to lose you, Bella. Not now that I finally have you. You're worth so much more to me than a bunch of innocent civilians that you've unleashed this creature of destruction on."

"I have to, Jasper. This is all my fault. I'm going in."

I pulled out of his grasp and ran as fast as my feet could carry me. I stumbled and tripped about 31 times in the hundred feet I ran. I splashed through the fountain, drenching myself entirely. Maybe I could find a wet t-shirt contest to win later. Shut up, Bella. Focus.

I finally reached the monster, calling out to him in desperation.

"Hey, you! Marshmallow Goo Man! STOP!"

He turned around and stared at me. Maybe... he didn't really have eyes.

I thought really hard about what I wanted him to do, and I hoped he was listening.

You're going to shrink back down to the size of a bag of marshmallows, stop eating people, and stop being so damn destructive. You love the whole world. Then you're going to melt and I'm going to take you back home and make my Rice Krispies treats like I wanted to in the first place.

He leaned in closer, and I started to smile. I turned around to gloat at Jasper.

"HA! He's listening to me, and you said it wasn't a good ideeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah!" I screamed the last part as his arm blob reached out and picked me up. He gripped me impossibly tighter and brought me up to eye level. Oh, shit, I was going to die. I thought death by marshmallows was an urban myth, and I didn't think I'd get eaten by one. I thought one day my stomach might explode from eating too many. This was so not cool.

I turned to look at Jasper, shrugging an apology and staring deeply into his sad, emo eyes for the last time. This was all Alice's fault for ever sending me to that stupid repair shop in the first place. I was going to fucking kill her for contributing to my impending demise. I really hoped it was possible to die twice, because if anyone deserved to die twice it was the pixie.

"LET HER GO!"

Suddenly, as if he were controlling the beast's emotions, the monster got scared. He started whining this terribly annoying, screeching whine, and he lowered me to the ground. As soon as I was on my feet, he started to sob. Big tears of marshmallow creme splashed to the ground all around me. The monster's wails were vibrating against my ear drums. I ran toward Jasper blindly, stumbling as my foot got stuck in one of the beast's tears. I could hear him thumping up behind me. Seriously, was I really about to almost-die again? How many near-death experiences could one girl have?

Just then, Jasper was beside me. He had switched on the chrome device of torture which was apparently a flame thrower. The fire engulfed the monster, and he began to wail again. It was the sound of ultimate suffering. The beast was wallowing in freakish misery as the flames burnt him to a crisp, right down to his dripping, throbbing core. He snapped, crackled, and popped, and the smell of singed sugar filled the air. Suddenly, I was hungry again.

Eventually, blissful silence washed over us. The monster lay in black gooey remains beneath the arch, and Jasper flipped off the flame thrower. He blew the smoke away from the tip like the cowboys always do, and I groaned audibly.

He turned to me, smirking cockily.

"So, darlin'… how do you feel about s'mores?"

Fuck, yes. I loved this emo man.

So… I hope you all enjoyed that little bit of ridiculous. :)

Thank you to Oscar519 for convincing me to write for such a good cause. She's a supportive reader and a good friend, and this was all her idea. Thanks to justaskalice and jennde for reading and confirming that it was appropriately cliché-filled and ridiculous.

Thank you to all my readers for being awesome. :)