I'm Fine, Really.
Warnings: Angst, lots of it. Child abuse. Child neglect. The amazingly screwed up mind of five-year-old Dean. Mean John.
Amazingly enough I don't actually hate John Winchester.
Summary: Daddy's fine. Actually, no – it's Sir now. Sir's fine and so is he. May or may not follow 'It's Okay'. Wee!Dean POV. Here there be angst.
Disclaimer: I own NOTHING. Nada. Nihil. Supernatural belongs to the man that is Eric Kripke and the CW network.
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He doesn't know why Daddy does it. But all he knows that it hurts him a lot and Daddy's angry more. He figures he probably did something wrong. Again.
Daddy's gotten a lot worse these days.
He notices that Daddy can't look at him anymore. But he noticed that a while ago. It kind of hurts sometimes, but it's something that he's gotten used a long time ago. There use to be a sharp pain in his chest when Daddy stopped looking at him but now it's just a dull throb, the sharp pain rarely shows up anymore. But before the f-just Before, the pain didn't exist; he doesn't know where it's from.
But this Daddy isn't like the one he knew when he was 4. Daddy's changed, he's different now. He's five years old now, a year older since Then, and he hasn't changed much, at least he doesn't think so. But Daddy's not the same.
It's not Daddy anymore.
It's Sir now.
Sir doesn't like him much, if Sir likes him at all. He seems to like Sammy a lot more. Then again everyone seems to like Sammy more. Sammy gets to do a lot more than he's allowed to even though Sammy's just a baby. Sammy's the favorite, Sammy's the one Daddy and everyone else loves. He's just the invisible child. The one on the sidelines, the one no one cares about.
He doesn't mind. Maybe. Kinda.
It doesn't hurt that much. It's no big deal.
Sir doesn't like it when he speaks, so he's learnt not to speak. He doesn't like speaking that much since Then anyway, Sammy can speak all he wants though, even if it's not really speaking. He can scream, cry, and laugh as loud as he wants. Sometimes it gets frustrating at times because Sammy can scream and cry really loud and when he tries to comfort Sammy, Da-Sir gets mad at him for opening his mouth. Then he has to comfort Sammy but he has to do it quietly so Sir can't hear his voice. That's the only hard thing about it he thinks. It's really not so bad.
Sir doesn't like it when he looks at him, so he's learnt not to look at him. Instead, he looks at the ground, even when they're at Uncle Bobby's place or Pastor Jim's. Even when he accidentally looks, he can see Sir looks at him differently compared to Sammy. Sir looks at him with r-ra-resentment—one of his teachers taught him that word. Sometimes though, he sneaks a peak but he doesn't see Daddy at all, all he sees is just Sir. Daddy doesn't seem to be there anymore.
Sir doesn't treat him like a person anymore. He learned at school that everybody should be treated like a person, the teachers are always talking about being fair and equal to each other and that you should treat someone like you want to be treated. But Sir doesn't treat him like a person; Sir treats him like a weapon now. It's always do this or do that, protect Sammy, or sometimes its just training to kill the thing that killed Mommy. But he doesn't mind much, Sir isn't a bad man; he's just sad and lonely. He just wishes he could make Sir happy again.
He got given his first gun a couple months ago. It's kind of scary. He doesn't like the sound it makes but not practicing make Sir angry and when Sir's angry, he gets scary. Especially when he smells funny.
Sometimes Sir goes out and then comes back really late smelling funny—its not a nice smell either. He usually has to stay up and look after Sammy and let Sir in. But Sir usually gets angry when he gets back. He starts getting violent and he's not Dean anymore, he's not even the weapon anymore, he's just the punching bag now.
And when Dean isn't Dean anymore, he gets hurt a lot. Sometimes he wakes up and he hurts all over and Sir is either gone or asleep. He doesn't complain about the pain because there's no Mommy to kiss it better and Sir's asleep and he doesn't want to wake him up, and Sammy's just a baby so he can't do anything and besides he should be the one helping Sammy anyway, so he just pretends it isn't there.
Daddy isn't Daddy anymore. He's Sir now. It's okay but he misses Daddy. But then again he also misses Mommy and the way it used to be.
But he's fine now. Really.
He just feels like something on the inside is gone. Damaged. Broken. Shattered.
But he's fine. Hopefully.
Maybe.
Not really.
End.
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…I really don't hate John Winchester. Promise.