Disclaimer: All your books are not belong to me. Sorry.
How Regulus reacted when Sirius left and more.
Doubling over, I felt my breathing rapidly increase. I took deep breaths of air, unable to omit out the air I desperately sucked in. I swayed where I stood and fell against the doorway. My vision went blurry and excess saliva flooded my mouth. I felt my stomach clench convulsively and shuddered violently. Unadulterated shock flooded my brain and veins, causing moisture to leak from my eyes and my chest swell with emotion. Vaguely, I felt myself drop fully to the floor and let out a silent scream, tears streaking down my face.
Then... my eyes dried, my lungs were full, my chest light, and I was sitting in the same damn chair I was before I had vividly imagined the reaction my body was telling me to give into.
"Regulus? Sweetie, can you hear me?" My mother stroked my cheek and I flashed her a charming smile.
"Lovely, dear mother. Where do you think he went?" I asked, feigning thought. I knew where he was. With that blood traitor, Potter.
My elder brother, Sirius Orion Black, had disappeared last night. I awoke to wails of anger and sorrow. Bewildered and half-awake, I stumbled into my brother's room, to see my mother alternating between attempting to rip his posters off his wall and flinging herself onto his maroon and gold bed.
I had held her in confusion until she brought me into my father's study. He had passed on, and then she had only used it for serious lectures. She explained to me that Sirius had left and shown me his simple note- "Bye. I locked the door behind me."
It was when I saw nothing written to me that I freaked out so appallingly. I had expected something. Anything. But he had left me alone with our broken mother and this empty house. He had left me alone because he had people to go to and I had nowhere else. Nobody.
My heart twisted again when I realized he knew this. He knew that once he left I would be forced to follow the path mother sought for me. And the ponce didn't even care. My initial feeling of betrayal coursed through me, slowly fading to pulsing fury. Yet, I sat still in front of mother, keeping up a furrowed brow and casual frown. She randomly babbled about family values and I tuned out, jolting from my reverie only when she struck me across the face.
I flew from my chair, clutching my jaw. "Reggie! Oh, I am so sorry! Your brother just has mummy so upset." She was beside me, her lined face frantic with worry. Long, wrinkled fingers petted my hair gently.
Every time she vented, she wouldn't hit Sirius. She would hit me, because he wasn't there to hurt.
The rest of the summer was that way. Mother was doting and even more hellbent on me following the man she referred to as 'Lord'. She would hit me when stressed and then lovingly coo endearments in my ear.
I was mostly numb and tried not to think of how I could even look at my brother at school. Occasionally, I would jolt awake at night and grip my bedside table, blindly digging my palm into the jagged old wood until I would feel warm blood dripping down my wrists. Then I dug them deeper, wondering if I could make it so my hands couldn't do the horrible things so many people expected them to do.
Tears would flow down to my chin, and I would choke on my gasps, trying to hold them back. My teeth would sink into my lip and crimson liquid would meet my tears. My toes would crush onto the solid edge of my bed and blood rose through the self-inflicted wounds.
I believe they could be called panic attacks, but I didn't like to think about them.
I would simply picture the way Sirius would look at me if he had saw me like that when I finally gained my composure. I felt more disgusted with myself than was healthy.
"Dear boy, what are those bandages on your hands? And feet?" My mother finally asked one morning, distressed at my sudden injuries.
"I was practicing some spells from the Dark Art books you gave me." I answered, trying to look proud while lying. She clicked her tongue in approval and added more bacon to my plate. "You're the man of the house now. More of a man than your father and brother ever were." She whispered, setting down my plate. Kreacher nodded in agreement.
Real pride swelled in me and for the first time that summer, I opened up the books she had set on my counter for me to read.
The summer passed in slow-motion and by the end of it, I realized how much I had changed.
I looked in the mirror and realized that I had changed. I was taller, more built. My face had become even more angular and defined, more like my brother's. I met my own eyes in the mirror and saw the confidence, the arrogance, the Black family coldness and pride. Scars marred my arms, hands, and chest; earned from weeks of practicing from those forbidden books.
The night before I went back to Hogwarts, I had another attack. Blood leaked from me and for the first time I looked at it and realized that this simple liquid was what broke apart hearts, friends, countries... even families. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.
In my panic, I tried to rid myself of it. I flung myself into the shower and scratched at my flesh in terror, wishing I could drip myself empty. Blood pooled at my feet and I finally calmed, dropping to sit down on the cold tile. I peeled off my clothes that I had not bothered to take off and sat under the water, letting it drain away the red that was still etched between the stone tiles. My sobs wracked my body and I ignored the sting of water dipping into my wounds.
The next morning I walked as though in a trance. Praise poured from my mother's mouth, and Kreacher carefully prepared my outfit. I looked once more in the mirror and caught my cruel eyes staring back.
It was two days into school that I finally saw my brother. He was standing in front of the Great Hall with his friends, Potter, Lupin, and Evans. His arm was around a blond Ravenclaw's shoulders. She was staring at him adoringly and her eyes trailed over to me and looked me up and down judgingly. She raised her eyebrows and winked at me.
Sirius looked no different. He didn't grow like I had, he hadn't recognized anything, made any discoveries. No self-awareness. My lip curled into a sneer and I felt Rosier, Avery, and Rookwood come to stand beside me. I dragged my eyes away from my sibling to meet Rosier's.
"Hello recruit. We're going to train you," he muttered, eyes dark with anticipation. I had a feeling mine looked the same. I nodded once, fearlessly. My brother may have left me with nobody, but that was all going to change. These were my brothers now.
I noticed Sirius look my way and I turned to him. We stared at each other for what felt like eternity. I felt his eyes probe mine and noted how disturbed he looked. Eventually he blinked and broke the contact. I took a few steps towards him, reaching for my wand and he scrambled for his.
Rosier put a hand on mine, realizing the situation. I was close enough by then to hear Sirius talking to his accomlices and vice versa. Rather loudly, Avery laughed. "Come on Reg, are the ickle traitors and mudbloods worth our time."
I let a small smirk flit on my lips. "I suppose I wouldn't want their filthy blood to stain my robes," I murmured, sounding thoughtful. Rookwood laughed and clapped his hand on my shoulder. I continued, not looking away from my brother's anguished eyes. "It would take weeks to get the smell out."
A few Slytherins chuckled and shot me dark, commending smiles. Lucinda Parkinson sidled up against me and snaked her arm through mine. I didn't pull away, but didn't bother with reciprocation other than a small step closer to her. "Oh, Reg. You are just too cute," she purred, placing a kiss on my jaw.
My eyes shifted to Evans, who was gazing at the girl. "Want to take her place mudblood?" She glared at me, affronted, and I heard Potter growl, aiming his wand at my head.
"Just because your my mate's brother-" He began.
I cut him off, seething. "He is no brother of mine," I spat. "A brother of mine wouldn't associate with sickening animals." He looked at me curiously, like I had picked up on something. I shot him a secretive smirk, pretending to know something I didn't. Avery smiled at Potter's frightened glare and Rosier placed a hand on my shoulder. "He's our brother now. The likes of you don't deserve him."
Sirius grunted and dragged Potter's arm back to his side. "Leave it Prongs. Not worth it."
Rosier cooed softly. "How sad, Black is scared of his little brother."
The crowd that gathered on our side laughed, and I kept my face numb, not wanting to seem too smug at the way Sirius' eyes flashed. Parkinson giggled, giving me the look I had seen so many girls give my brother.
It looked like even Lupin was getting angry, so I raised my hand and was surprised when everyone went silent. Apparently I was a threat when I started hanging out with known Death Eaters.
"In my opinion, I wouldn't so much as waste my thought on these..." I paused, eying the Gryffindors with supreme boredom. "Civilians. So until they give us a reason to consider them a simple nuisance, I say we treat them as such." To my pleasure, I heard mumbled assents and the crowd began to thin.
I heard a low sound of thoughtfulness, and turned to see a seventh year Slytherin, Rabastan. "Civilians. Exactly right, Regulus. They are no threat to us... or you. I take it you are a new recruit?" I didn't need to look to see Sirius' aghast expression at the realization of why I was in such company. I hummed with pride at having an elder Death Eater address me by my first name, and compliment me.
I gave an arrogant, yet dismissive, smile. "Ready and waiting to get past that level, Lestrange," my voice cool.
He eyed me carefully. "Call me Rabastan. I'll be waiting for you on top." With that he gave me a sharp nod, turned on his heel, and marched away. Avery shot me a approving look and Lucinda outright kissed me on the spot. When she pulled away and left, I silently prayed she wouldn't kiss me again. It made me dizzy, and I had to keep my mind about things, especially now.
Sirius stepped forward, as if to ask to speak to me, but Lupin placed a tentative hand on his arm.
With bewilderment at his own actions, he stepped back. He glared with confusion at my scarred hands and neck. His face went cold and he turned abruptly to walk away, beckoning to the Ravenclaw girl that was on his arm earlier.
He looked at her expectantly, but she looked from me to him indecisively. I raised my eyebrows minutely and allowed my lips to curve the slightest bit. She leaned in my direction subconsciously, and I winked at her. She suddenly rushed froward and clung to my arm, asking about my summer.
"Lovely. It was rather boring, having to go to all those formal parties with suits and gowns," I told her, urging her to take the bait. Of course, she got starry eyed and began babbling about how spectacular it would be to go to one of those.
When I turned, I saw my brother and the other Gryffindors had already gone into the Great Hall for lunch.
As I sat to eat, surrounded by my new brothers, girls who looked at me with something other than innocent interest, and people who actually wanted to be in my position, I wondered to myself. Would my brother ever be proud of me?
I recognized the solid fact that he would only be proud of me if I died. Because every path that would lead me to his good graces would in me be six feet under. I looked at him across the large room and saw him joking with his friends, with a new girl.
I decided he sure as hell wasn't worth it.
A/N- SPOILERS FOR DH! Before he learned about the horcruxes and had a change of heart. This was when he finally began pursuing the Death Eater career. Of course he had a change of heart and practically saves the world from Voldemort later. I like the irony of his only motivation being his brother and making him proud. In his immaturity, he doesn't realize that there are bigger reasons to die and do the right thing other than making other people proud. I loved him so much. I love the idea of him as a kid.