Title: Birds and the Bees
Summary: It all started with the accursed question, "Where do babies come from?"
Disclaimer: Katekyo Hitman Reborn! belongs to Akira Amano
Pairing: None
Warning: Utter CRACK; set 6YL; Rated for Language (Yep, you guessed it; Gokudera.)
Birds and the Bees
Tsuna really wonders what he had done to make Lady Luck hate him that much.
Really.
Because there can be no other reason why he, the leader and Boss of the most powerful vigilante-organization-turned-Mafia-Family, would be asked the singularly-most-difficult question in the entire friggin' universe at the young age of twenty.
"Tsuna-nii?"
The Vongola Decimo in question looked wearily at the teen before him, a look comprised of everything from dread to pure, unadulterated horror on his face. Just this once in his life, Tsuna rather deal with the evilest thing in the world known as 'paperwork' rather than… that. The small part of his brain that was still working mentally asked how in the world did he get into such a situation in the first place.
Oh wait.
It all started with the accursed question, "Where do babies come from?"
Tsuna's face kissed the surface of his centuries-old mahogany desk (inherited all the way from Vongola Primo's time) with a resounding 'bang'.
One order, three requests and two bribe-slash-threats later, Tsuna's office was crowded with all seven of his Guardians, settled all around the room.
Gokudera was leaning on the wall next to the window closest to Tsuna's desk as he smoked a cigarette (despite the looks of disapproval from the older Guardians, as well as his Boss), Yamamoto and Ryohei sat on a couch together with an empty seat between them, Chrome sat on the opposite couch with Lambo right beside her, Mukuro took the arm of the couch where Chrome sat, and Hibari took the wall furthest away from all of the Guardians ―his best compromise against crowding.
Just about all the Guardians were curious as to why they were all called to Tsuna's office urgently ―the brunette almost never called more than one of them to his office at any given time, knowing that his Guardians were liable to start something chaotic with any other Guardian in the same room (and he honestly didn't need the extra paperwork). The grim look on their Boss's face (in contrast to the bright red marks on his forehead and the tip of his nose) didn't really help the tension; and neither did the Don Vongola's refusal to look away from his paperwork.
"Sawada Tsunayoshi." Hibari growled, somewhat unsurprisingly the first one to speak. "…Why did you make us crowd around here."
Tsuna cringed at the underlying threat in his Cloud Guardian's words and he wasn't surprised to see said threat in those stormy-blue orbs ―'start-talking-or-I'll-bite-you-to-death-for-making-us-crowd-in-your-office'. Summoning all the self-control he had gained over the years from becoming the leader of the Famiglia that had managed put the word 'chaos' to shame, Tsuna gently put down his pen and looked up from his desk. In the firmest and calmest tone he could muster at the moment, Tsuna called out, "…Lambo?"
"Y-Yes, Ts-Tsuna-nii…?"
"Ask the others what you asked me." Tsuna ordered, jerking his chin in the general direction of the center of the room.
The youngest Guardian shifted nervously in his seat as he squeaked out, "D-Do I have to…?"
Tsuna nodded, a stern look on his face. The brunette briefly pondered over the idea of getting out his phone to take a video of the Guardians' reactions. He quickly decided against it, seeing as the security camera was working perfectly in his office, and he could get the footage ―the perfect blackmail material; Tsuna could barely suppress his absolute glee― from the Mafiosi on duty later.
Lambo swallowed, still reluctant to speak.
Tapping the cigarette over the window frame, Gokudera scoffed, "Hurry up, will you? Can't you see you're holding up all of us?"
Lambo flinched and whimpered softly. He knew that Gokudera was speaking the absolute truth ―since he was the youngest, he had yet to start carrying out his duties officially, but the others… Gokudera was the Tsuna's Right-Hand man and essentially the Second-in-Command of the Vongola Famiglia; Yamamoto was the middle-man between Vongola, CEDEF and Varia; Ryohei was in-charge of Vongola's medical unit, Hibari had both his duties as the Cloud Guardian and his own Foundation to take care off; and both Mukuro and Chrome were constantly busy with reconnaissance missions. He was the only one who was freely having fun with nothing but his schoolwork to worry about.
Determined not to waste any more of his older brothers and sister's time, Lambo bravely spoke up and asked, "Where do babies come from?"
―Yep, Tsuna was really using all of his self-control to ban even a single giggle from escaping his lips.
The Vongola Decimo was caught in the middle of being worried and being disappointed. Worried because Gokudera had choked on his cigarette smoke and was coughing rather violently, and also because Mukuro was getting a very, very disturbing glint in his mismatched eyes while Chrome was blushing so much, Tsuna didn't think it was possible, nor was it healthy. Disappointed because Yamamoto ―ever the calm one― still managed to keep the smile on his face (albeit a suddenly rather strained smile), Ryohei had gone stock-still while Hibari was glaring harshly at Lambo and also (Tsuna shuddered) himself.
"What… What kind of a fucking question is that?!" Gokudera snarled.
"Hayato, language." Tsuna admonished with an exasperated sigh. "And Lambo's question is completely valid. I'm sure most of us have pondered over that once upon a time; and it is simply Lambo's… ti― turn."
"But has no one talked to you about the Birds and the Bees?!" Gokudera demanded.
Lambo cocked his head to the side with a blink. "What's that?"
Tsuna winced when Gokudera slammed a hand flat onto his face ―judging by the loud smack that resounded in the room… that probably hurt. A lot. (Then again, it was probably what the Storm Guardian needed to keep his sanity in check for the moment ―Tsuna would know; considering that he did that just an hour ago…)
"Umm… Birds and the Bees…" Yamamoto said slowly. "…It's the one about balls, right?"
"How the fuck are balls involved in the Birds and the Bees?!" Gokudera cried out in pure exasperation.
Yamamoto laughed and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "So, no…?"
Tsuna briefly toyed with the idea of jumping out of the full-length windows behind him. It's just four floors. He should be able to slip into his Hyper Dying Will mode fast enough to not meet the beautiful grass in his estate in a death kiss. On the other hand, Gokudera was contemplating the idea of smacking his head against the wall. Several times. Preferably until he passes out with a concussion. Or better yet, amnesia.
"It's something extreme!" Ryohei shouted enthusiastically.
"That's all?" Gokudera stared disbelievingly at him. Ryohei nodded, confusion swirling in his grey eyes. "You have a girlfriend, you're the only one of us Guardians to go onto university to major in biology and medicine… And all you can say about the Birds and the Bees is that it's extreme?!"
Tsuna was starting to worry for his Storm Guardian. Gokudera's skin was getting a rather pinkish hue and it looks as though his Right-Hand man was about to have an aneurysm soon.
"Kufufufufu…" Mukuro smirked. "So you want to know how babies come from, do you not, little one?"
Lambo, oblivious to the evil aura growing around the older Mist Guardian for some reason, nodded.
"Shall I show you how it's done?" Mukuro's eyes shined with amusement as he materialized his trident in a hand.
Tsuna's eyes widened with horror as he slammed his hands onto his desk. "Mukuro, I swear it on Primo's grave… If you show Lambo that, I will personally castrate you!"
Mukuro pouted, "How violent. I was just trying to satisfy the child's… curiosity."
As Tsuna continued to glare at Mukuro, Lambo quietly decided that the male Mist Guardian was a dead-end. The teen turned to the other Mist Guardian, only to find Chrome still blushing deeply, and decided that asking her wouldn't help too (and that Chrome was liable to pass out soon). Lambo shuddered as he turned to the last Guardian.
"Umm. Kyouya-nii?"
The entire room fell eerily silent suddenly.
Ignoring the horrified looks shot at him (since his immerse curiosity apparently granted him courage he didn't know he had), Lambo continued, "Does Kyouya-nii know what Haya-nii was talking about? The Birds and the Bees thing? Kyouya-nii has Hibird, so Kyouya-nii must know, right?"
The withering glare the Cloud Guardian shot him was enough to send Lambo whimpering. Without another word (but with another glare shot at Tsuna), Hibari left the office wordlessly as he slammed the office doors shut behind him. Tsuna didn't know whether to be afraid or exasperated, so he settled for sighing. The other Guardians were also in a dilemma on their own, unsure of whether to praise the teen for his courage or congratulate him for talking (albeit one-sidedly) to Hibari Kyouya and survive.
"Fine," Gokudera sighed. "I guess it's up to me then."
―cue The Glasses. (Yes, it deserves the capitalization, thank you very much.)
"Ahem. When a man and woman love each other―"
"―H-Hayato!" Tsuna interrupted, his eyes wide open with shock. A faint blush was creeping onto his face.
"Yes, Jyuudaime?" Gokudera asked, apparently not finding anything wrong with his explanation.
"You're supposed to be telling him about the Birds and the Bees!" Tsuna choked out. "N-Not…"
"…the scientific explanation as to how sex and conception works?" Gokudera offered.
"Yes! That!" Tsuna blushed.
He himself wasn't alien to the concept of sex ―a certain someone made sure he knew of that very well, of course― but Lambo… Lambo was only eleven, for crying out loud! The teen didn't need to know that yet!
Gokudera, however, seem to disagree. "He has to learn this eventually, Jyuudaime. I'm just teaching him what he will eventually learn." Gokudera argued. "It's science. Not simply a wild, mindless process where people lose themselves carelessly in the pleasures, ignoring its horrible consequences."
Mukuro rolled his eyes, "Someone needs to get laid."
"What, and do it like you? Around the estate?" Gokudera snapped back.
"It's called being kinky, little puppy." Mukuro drawled. "Even Tsunayoshi there is more experienced in the ways of the kinks than you."
Tsuna blushed, both in embarrassment and horror. "How did… Have you been spying on me?!"
"Not interested." Mukuro replied with another roll of his eyes. "It's simply rather obvious when we consider who your lover is."
Tsuna's mouth fell open and closed repeatedly ―he was doing a rather good imitation of a fish, really. Gokudera, on the other hand, stuck between glancing at his beloved and apparently, not-so-innocent Boss in horror and disbelief, and glaring at Mukuro. The other Guardians were all strangely quiet, simply watching the ongoing exchange. They weren't really keen to get into the argument, plus it was admittedly rather entertaining to watch. Unfortunately for them, their entertainment was short-lived as the doors slammed open once more, this time bringing in a certain ex-Arcobaleno and the most powerful hitman in the world ―in all his adult glory, too.
"Dame-Tsuna." Reborn growled. "Your paperwork looks about the same as this morning. I said that if you don't finish at least half of the work by the time I get back, you'll be punished, didn't I? You really want to be punished, don't you?"
Tsuna gulped.
"Should I punish you lot for distracting Dame-Tsuna from his work?" Reborn asked the Guardians, pure evil glinting in obsidian orbs.
With yelps and gulps, the Guardians quickly fled the room, closing the doors behind them, leaving the Vongola Boss and his former tutor alone in the room.
By then, the panic had left Tsuna's face and instead, a grin slipped onto his face. "You know it's not punishment if I enjoy it, right?"
Reborn smirked, "Shall we test out that theory?"
Knowing how sadistic the hitman could be when he wants to, Tsuna 'eep'-ed and hurriedly turned back to his paperwork, trying desperately (and failing epically) to ignore the sardonic grin on Reborn's face. The loud clicks of expensive Italian shoes spelled the brunette's 'doom'.
Somewhere else in the Vongola estate, a certain teen frowned.
"…Just where do babies come from?"
A/N: Inspiration for this was rather random. It was, as you probably guessed, "Where do babies come from?" I thought it would be fun to see the Guardians explaining it to Lambo. Tsuna managed to get away from it by tossing it to the Guardians (boy, look that how that turned out ―thankfully, the office stayed intact this time…) and he was eventually saved from The Question from Reborn. Poor Lambo. I'm sure he'll get that question answered soon. Just… not in the near future.
I, uhh, hope I got the Guardians in-character for this. I think they are; I based it a little on the swimming episode for the Guardians' attempt at explaining stuff.
Hope this is cracky enough too. I wonder what I was high on this time…
Well, thanks for reading! Ciao Ciao~