INTT: I am having too much fun with these.
Introduction
You poor, poor, bastard. You have obtained the SIMA ZHAO unit because you used your Citibank reward card on our virus-filled website and thus botched your order of the CAO PI unit for this unit. Unfortunately, this unit is clearance and cannot be returned for a refund.
Rate us five stars on Yelp and thank you for finding us behind that Starbucks building.
Comes with...
No silly hats
Seven (7) robes with TWO popped collars (80's fan much?)
Seven (7) genie pants
Two (2) pairs of boot shoes (I can't describe them)
One (1) afro pick (His hair's that thick)
Six (6) containers of hair gel
One (1) sword that makes floating slash movements
Basic Information
Name: Sima Zhao (S-oo-ma Ji-aow)
Gender: Male
Place of Manufacture: China, unknown province.
Temple Name: Taizu (Wow, even he gets to be worshiped? Not fair...)
Famous for: Ultimately creating Jin. (Sort of)
Spouse: Wang Yuanji (That's it? Huh.)
Children: Nine sons and a daughter. Four sons were not from his wife and had unknown mothers. (Yuanji! Zhao's been cheating on you with... someone... or someones.)
Appearance: His mother if she were a guy.
Build: Buff
Age: About 21-22
Striking Features: Messy hair and shows off his chest. (Kind of like his mother)
Height: 6'3
Pe*ni*s Lengt*h: My editor is not removing these!
S*exu*al Orie*ntation: H*ete*rose*xual (I'm going to have to cross this off on every manual.)
Quirks: Does not have the Sima laugh. Surfs on people. Took up most of Jin's story with his lazy-ass. Has an emo imaginary friend.
Instructions
He'll be sleeping in the box since we picked him up and tossed him into the box like so. He is one of the easiest of the units to grab without force. Compared to the unwilling units, he's very very very easy. That's how easy it was to pick up this unit. Anyway, just slap him and get him out the box. He's not violent, so you can take your sweet time introducing yourself only for him to go back into the box to nap.
*If you have ANY family member of his as a unit, you can throw this manual away*
Care
He'll go to sleep in the tub if he didn't get to have his nap before, so you'll have to wash him. Yes, go "down" there. I almost feel sorry for you, then again, I don't. Any other day, he can wash himself. He's not very picky when it comes to food and is very open-minded also, so thus feed him your American crap food. He's like your typical frat boy that is a bottomless pit. He has no preferred sleeping spot, so you can just make him sleep on the floor like a dog. Overall, very simple to care, but hard to keep fed.
How to keep your SIMA ZHAO unit happy
He is not very hard to entertain, since probably everything you own will amaze him. Stick him in front of the TV, let him play video games, or just let him touch everything in your house. Unlike the SIMA SHI and SIMA YI units, he would not bat an eye to a book. If you have those two units along with the ZHANG CHUNHUA unit, he's not exactly happy-ish, but of course he loves them. Having the WANG YUANJI unit or JIA CHONG unit or both will make him happy since they are his best-est best friends. One of them is his wife and the other is a murdering psychopath, have fun!
The SIMA ZHAO unit will leave you or disobey if one of the following happens...
You run out of Cheez-its
Shave his hair for no reason
You talk trash about his family
Be a total ass
You running out of Cheetos
Deleting his save file in Skyrim with 98% of the game done
Beat his ass in Call of Duty even though you're only level 7 and he's level 43
Replacing his hair gel with glue
Precautions
DO NOT leave this unit with a blender. He'll stick his hand in there and if it's on, well, you can give that to your JIA CHONG unit.
Never let this unit cook. He'll destroy your appliances.
Voice options
-Kaiji Tang
-Daisuke Kishio (Take your pick, you'll never go wrong)
Special skills (Haha! Really?)
- Can translate Chinese
-Anything opener (Those muscles will not go to waste)
-Bodyguard (What did you think that sword is for?) *Locked until bond is high*
-Noob pwner (That doesn't count as a skill! Editor!)
-Rich boy *Locked if area doesn't accept gold*
Modes
Lazy-ass (Default)
Immature
Grumpy-because-of-no-sleep
Annoying Son (to the Sima parent units)
Sort of Husband (to the WANG YUANJI unit)
Annoying Brother (to SIMA SHI unit)
Romancing
Females: Obviously, keeping the WANG YUANJI unit around will damper your chance to do him. He might be up for it, depending on circumstances. If you had let him play video games the day to open his box, it will be difficult. To maximize your chances with him, you need to hide your gaming consoles. He is controlled by his parents, so choose your words wisely if you have those units if you want to date him.
Male: I don't think so. And don't think about doing his mother. (I doubt she will be up for it anyway...) That's breaking the bro code, man!
Interactions
SIMA YI: Father. Official dickhead.
ZHANG CHUNHUA: Mother. Wears a hooker dress.
SIMA SHI: Brother. Meatbun aficionado.
WANG YUANJI: Wife. Debunks blonde stereotypes.
ZHUGE DAN: Rebelled against him. Hates shopping carts.
JIA CHONG: Bestestfriend4lyfe. Eats babies.
LIU SHAN: Bestfriend4lyfe. Did Macklemore's Thrift Shop.
DENG AI: General under him. His drill will be the one to pierce the Heavens.
GUO HUAI: General under him. Took an arrow to the back, doesn't bitch about it.
WEN YANG: General under him that killed his brother before. Very tall.
ZHONG HUI: General under him. Sima Yi's old self in a nutshell.
FAQ's
My unit is not waking up.
Looks like he's... *puts on sunglasses*...took his last nap... (YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH!)
SIMA ZHAO's been doing nothing except play Call of Duty!
Your fault for exposing him to technology. Tell him to add me on his friends list.
SIMA ZHAO's not cool enough to touch things!
Okay. So? Don't let him touch your things then.
You suk! Go and kill yourself!
You suck. Go touch a butt.
My unit is refusing my orders.
You must have really pissed him off. That is a rare occasion.
I bet you will have complaints, please take them to DEADWARRIORKOEI Corp. at ***- ***- ****.