A/N: This was inspired by the works of Arctic-Banana and Kibble Beast. Decepticon crackfics are made of win. Doesn't take place in any established 'verse, really; they're Bayformers but they're not. Just read :)
It was a boring day at the Decepticon base.
Blackout was cleaning his blades, polishing them to near-reflective sheen while Scorponok methodically shredded apart what had once been an innocent animal of some sort.
Barricade was watching TV; well, actually, he just kept flipping through the channels over and over again, not really caring but continuing to press the button anyway.
Frenzy was sulking because someone had either hidden or destroyed his caffeinated Energon stash.
Bonecrusher was gnawing on what looked like the severed leg of a wildebeest, sitting on the chair he had crafted from animal, human and Autobot skeletal remains.
Brawl was licking a Tootsie pop, mentally keeping track of each lick he took as he worked his way to the center.
Starscream was in his room upstairs, the door bolted with various locks and booby traps, plotting his next move to usurp Megatron. This involved drawing out hideously complicated plans via dry-erase markers on a whiteboard. So far he had wiped the board clean seven times and was well into his eighth scheme.
The Constructicons were outside the base, digging the World's Biggest Hole. Why they were doing this, no one knew, and no one really cared.
Soundwave was also outside, on the other side of the base, playing fetch with Ravage. Laserbeak was perched high above in a tree, keeping watch and launching random missiles at any birds that dared fly too close.
Megatron... well, no one had seen Megatron all day, and that was the main reason for the overwhelming boredom that had suddenly set in.
After another fifteen minutes of flipping through channels, Barricade's right optic twitched and he hurled the remote at the TV. The screen shattered, and it sounded abnormally loud compared to the profuse silence that had reigned seconds earlier. The sound startled Brawl and caused him to bite down on the Tootsie pop, and it crunched into a million pieces. He stared sadly at the center. "The world will never know," he mourned before eating the center with the stick still attached.
"I'm boooooooored," Barricade bellowed. He glowered at the sparking, smoking television set. "Someone please explain why today of all days is so utterly boring. I don't think I've been this bored since... since..."
"Since ever?" Blackout offered, having poked his head into Barricade's room to see what the commotion was.
"Yes. Since ever," Barricade agreed. He frowned. "Please tell me there's something for us to do. I don't care if it's reconnaissance duty on some Primusforsaken sludge-pit monster-infested backwater moon. If I don't find something to do soon, I'm going to start getting twitchy. So twitchy that I shall surpass Frenzy in twitchyness."
Blackout thought for a moment. He hitched his blades onto his back and crossed his arms. "Lord Megatron has not yet emerged from his chambers or given us orders," he mused. "So I suppose it's up to us to find amusement."
"We could tape a 'kick me' sign to Starscream's aft again," Barricade suggested.
"Intriguing." Blackout sighed. "But that one's gotten old. What about flooding the Constructicons' hole? We could, you know. There's a water line close by-"
"Noooo, not a chance. Remember when we microwaved their hamsters? Devastator," Barricade said darkly.
They both shuddered at the memory.
"Ooh! I know. You could fly overhead and watch me pretend to be a human police officer. Last time I pulled a guy over, Frenzy ran out and beat him to death with a Breathalyzer. Priceless," Barricade giggled. "And the time this one guy ran a red light. Ohohoho. You should have seen that."
"As tempting as that sounds, no. I'm in the mood for something a bit more... engaging," Blackout huffed. "Perhaps we should ask Bonecrusher for ideas."
They went to Bonecrusher's room, which was decorated with all manner of skeletons and torture devices. The Decepticon in question was seated in front of his computer, tapping absently at the keypad whilst chewing on his wildebeest drumstick.
"Whatever are you doing?" Barricade growled, peering over the mech's shoulder.
"RAAAAARGH!" Bonecrusher roared, closing his computer with a loud smash and whirling to face them. Barricade could have sworn he saw "Halo 2" somewhere on the screen before it closed, but didn't press the issue. "Don't sneak up on me like that! You know what happens to people who sneak up on me?"
Blackout glanced at the wall, which was adorned with severed heads. "Nope, can't imagine."
"Sheesh," Bonecrusher grumbled. He slouched in his chair. "So whaddya you morons want? Got any cute furry animals I could nail to the ceiling?"
Blackout shot Barricade the glare of death before the police car could mention the location of Brawl's kittens.
"Um, actually, we were just horribly bored and were wondering if you had any ideas on how to be un-bored," Barricade said cheerily.
"Huh. Answer's obvious. Mix up some energy drinks, crack, toilet cleaner, and baking soda with Energon and feed it to Frenzy. Then sick him on Soundwave. That'd be epic. I can just hear him: 'ow, ow, ow' all in the same tone of voice. I'd pay to see that in action," Bonecrusher cackled.
"Ummmm..." Barricade shifted his weight uncomfortably. "Well, Bonecrusher, that'd be fine and dandy, except that one of us will wake up in the middle of the night with tentacles in places they should not be," he said gingerly. "Soundwave's definition of revenge makes Megatron's look like the plot of a My Little Pony episode."
"True." Bonecrusher gnawed on his wildebeest leg some more, then harrumphed. "Gah. I got nothin'."
"Ya think Brawl would have any ideas?" Blackout queried.
"The words Brawl and ideas don't belong in the same sentence," Barricade snorted.
The three Decepticons were silent as they pondered what to do.
"This is boring," Bonecrusher announced, reopening his laptop and going back to his Halo 2.
At the Autobot base, the boredom was equally infectious.
Optimus was in a meeting with several important military leaders and could not be bothered. So that meant the rest of the Autobots had free run of the base, but no one could think of anything interesting to do. So it happened that Bumblebee was intensely watching over Jazz's shoulder while the silver mech furiously played Halo 2 multiplayer on his PC.
"There's this obnoxious aftpipe that keeps n00b tubing me," Jazz complained. "Scrap! Fragger even teabags me at least fifteen times after I'm dead. Who in the Pit is this 'b0wnKru$Hr' dude? I'll bet he's god-modding or somethin'."
Meanwhile Ratchet was trying to fix Ironhide's busted left hip joint. So far he'd managed to elicit every known Cybertronian swear word ever invented from the black mech, and now they were well into the human swear words. Ratchet just tuned him out and kept working with his blowtorch.
"PRIMUSFRAGGIT!" Jazz shut off his computer and seethed silently at the now-blank screen. "That's it, Bee, I'm never playing online again. Too many weirdos out to get me."
Bumblebee gesticulated and his radio buzzed. "You've got the touch... you've got the poooowwwerrrr..."
"Thanks a lot, Bee, but I'm done. Hey, I know. Let's go outside! There's plenty a' room to run around out there," Jazz suggested, dragging Bumblebee by the arm. "We could play tag! Or hide and seek! Or my personal favorite... leapfrog! How 'bout it, Bee?"
Bumblebee made several choking noises in an attempt to respond, but let the radio speak for him. "What hurts the most..."
"Ah, you're right. I'll probably never live down landing on Ratchet's head that one time," Jazz pouted. "Hmmm... what, then?"
Back at the Decepticon base, Blackout, Barricade, and Bonecrusher had found their Risk set and were well into a game. Because it involved gaining control of Earth's continents, they decided that once the Decepticons took over Earth, this would be their way of deciding who got what territory. Unfortunately, Bonecrusher had absorbed Asia, Africa, and most of South America, while Blackout and Barricade had entered an alliance to prevent him from taking North America or Australia.
"I'm feeling a little power-mad," Bonecrusher purred, rolling the dice. "Ahaha. Prepare to weep!"
"I'm going to build my own empire under the oceans," Barricade muttered. "That's most of Earth's surface area anyway."
"I'll build a network of space stations," Blackout challenged. "We'll see who's superior then!"
"Uh, guys?"
They all looked up to see Brawl standing there.
"What is it?" Barricade asked irritatedly.
"Starscream has an idea again," Brawl said nervously.
They all looked at each other.
"Frag," Blackout groaned, while Barricade facepalmed. "Again?"
"He told me not to tell, but then I remembered that the last time he told me not to tell I got in big trouble for being an 'accessory' and Megatron hit me," Brawl said. "So I thought if I told you guys then it wouldn't be a secret and I won't get hit!"
"We'll all get hit in some way if Starscream tries to murder Megatron again," Barricade snapped. "He has this thing for group punishment."
"So, uh, whadda we do?" Brawl asked.
"I'll tell you what we do," Bonecrusher said, an evil glint in his beady red eyes. "We each take one of Starscream's limbs, and pull until they pop off. Then we take each piece and bury it on a different continent, and bury his head on the moon. Problem solved."
"We can't bury his head on the moon. There's sensitive stuff up there. I think I saw that info on Megatron's 'Backup World Domination Plan #3,'" Blackout sighed.
"I know what we'll do," Barricade beamed, and everyone looked at him. He then began to whisper his plan in hushed tones.
"I'm sooooooooo boooooooooorrrrreeeddddd."
Bumblebee and Jazz lay on their backs in the middle of a grassy field not far from the Autobot base. They had intended to guess cloud shapes but there were no clouds today, so they just laid there and stared at the sun. Presently Jazz's optics overloaded and he shuttered them, wincing.
"Hey Bee?"
"Yeah?"
"Let's go see what the Decepticreeps are up to."
"Dare to be stupid!" the radio blared, delivering Bumblebee's opinion of that idea.
"Hey, I'm being serious. We haven't done any recon in their area in like, forever. About time we sniffed around." Jazz sat up. "Whaddya say, buddy? We could gather nice, juicy intel and deliver it to Prime on a silver platter!"
"Go ninja, go ninja, go! Go ninja, go ninja, go!" the radio rapped, and Bumblebee pumped a fist.
"Thought you'd see my side," Jazz said smugly. He stood. "Now come on. We got some Decepticrud info to snag!"
Brawl guarded the door while Bonecrusher worked magic on the laptop in order to bring a halt to Starscream's latest Decepticon Takeover plan.
"Let's see, I think I got it right... hey, Blackout, you're better at this hacking business, you give it a whirl," Bonecrusher grunted, shoving the computer at Blackout. The other Decepticon hunched over it, clawed fingers typing so fast they were blurs.
"So what's the plan? Er. Counter-plan?" Barricade whispered. He had spotted Starscream sneaking back from town carrying a bundle of what looked like Christmas lights, fishing poles, and Silly Putty. This did not bode well for anyone.
"We take drastic measures to, eh, distract Starscream from carrying out his plan," Blackout said. His optics lit up as he found what he was looking for. "Check it out!" He turned the laptop so that the others could see what he had discovered.
"No..." Bonecrusher gasped, his jaw nearly detaching itself.
"It... can't be..." Barricade whimpered falteringly before hiding his face.
"Yesssssssssss," Blackout hissed happily. He proceeded to type some more. "We're going to have company."
"Y'know what, I think I'm going to go hide in one of those nuclear-testing salt domes so I'll be safe," Barricade announced, standing up. "Anyone who values their soul is free to join me."
"Oh no. I'll be getting this on film," Blackout snickered. "We should alert everyone else so they'll know to stay outta the way. This... is gonna be... epic."
Starscream slaved over his latest plan. He had already acquired most of the necessary materials, but still needed the following: an emu, a hacksaw, and approximately fifty feet of dental floss. Where he was going to get all that, he didn't know, but he was pretty sure eBay was his best bet. The fact that Lord Megatron hadn't come out of his room all day made this a rare and vital opportunity for the Air Commander to work toward his goal of becoming Decepticon Leader.
"Those lugnuts won't know what hit them," he said to himself, referring to Blackout, Barricade and the rest. Unlike himself, they put their faith in Megatron, despite the big blowhard's inability to actually make any real progress in the war. But he would change all that. He, the mighty and unstoppable Starscream, would show them his true power!
If he could just find an emu for under twenty bucks, he mused sourly, aware that he had exceeded his monthly Scheme Budget.
He stalked out of his loft, thirsty for an Energon shake. He made his way to the fridge, enjoying the peace and quiet. Usually the other Decepticons were lounging around causing chaos with their stupidity, but today the base appeared deserted. It would have been eerie if Starscream wasn't so occupied with his plan. He opened the fridge, muttered curses when he saw it was empty, and turned around only to come to an abrupt halt.
"What is a human doing in here?" he shrieked angrily.
The human- an adolescent female- just stood there gawking for a moment, then emitted a high-pitched squealing noise. "It really IS Starscream!"
"Of course it is. Who else would I be?" Starscream pointed out darkly, charging one of his arm cannons, a red dot sight trained on the center of the human's forehead.
"GET HIM!"
Suddenly activity flooded the base. Literally. Flooded. There were humans cramming through the doorways and breaking the windows and even pouring out of the vents. Most of them female. And Starscream tried to stomp on them, but they managed to crawl up his legs and hug him profusely, all the while swooning and fangasming. The utterly unnerved Decepticon tried to make a break for it, but he was so weighed down by all the bodies that he fell backward, and was engulfed by the human tide.
Blackout poked his head in, video camera in hand. "Never thought the International Starscream Fan Club would be our salvation," he mused with a grin.
"Uh, what do we do when Megatron finally comes out and sees all these humans? You know he hates humans," Barricade whispered, making sure to stay out of sight. He knew there were Barricade fangirls too.
"Ah, we'll burn that bridge when we come to it," Blackout said dismissively, and Brawl looked confused but said nothing.
Starscream finally managed to pry himself out from the mob's clutches and bolted out the door. The mob followed en masse. Starscream could have gotten far enough away to transform and fly, but he wasn't looking where he stepped, and so he tripped and fell into the Constructicons' hole. He flipped end over end and slid the rest of the way down, landing with a dazed moan. The fans, seeing their victim temporarily immobile, took the opportunity to pounce. The hole was presently filled with humans, a few of whom were also chasing the Constructicons.
Soundwave watched impassively while Bonecrusher chewed on fresh roadkill. Barricade hid behind Blackout watching these events with glee. Blackout chuckled. "You know, if Megatron did come out and see this, I bet he'd think it's hilarious. And you know what else? I'm totally putting this on Youtube."
Bumblebee and Jazz crawled through the Decepticon Base's ventilation system. Oddly enough, there was no one in the base; there was some kind of commotion going on outside and they could hear Starscream pleading for his life to end. They were more interested in figuring out where the heck they were actually supposed to be going...
"Hey! I'm getting a reading on my scanner. Someone's in the room straight ahead," Jazz whispered to Bumblebee. They crept forward and peeped out through the slats of the vent, getting a clear view of the room. It was a large room, and very dark. The only source of light was the huge flatscreen television that adorned one of the walls, and seated before the television was...
"Megatron?" Jazz gasped.
Bumblebee made a vague sound of horror.
"Megatron's a Bronie?"
The great Decepticon Commander, oblivious to the Autobots freaking out in his vent, continued to watch My Little Pony, seated upon his throne with a Pinkie Pie plush toy under one arm.
Blackout, Bonecrusher, Brawl, Soundwave, Barricade, and the Constructicons came back inside the base and put it in lockdown, leaving Starscream at the mercy of his fans for the time being.
When Barricade found Jazz and Bumblebee seated on the couch, staring somewhat shakenly at the broken television, his reaction was fairly genial. "Hey, Autobutts. Get off my couch."
"We found out what Megatron's been doing all day," Jazz said faintly, his stare distant.
"Really?" Blackout inquired, busily uploading his video to Bonecrusher's laptop and signing into Youtube.
"Let's just say he's been real busy in his room and leave it at that," Jazz trailed off.
Brawl's optics widened in sheer horror. "My kittens!" he yelled, lumbering off to make sure they were all still in one piece.
"No... ponies..." Jazz trembled.
Suddenly pounding footfalls sounded, and everyone in the room gave a little jump as Megatron burst into the room. He glared intensely at them all before grabbing Soundwave and bursting into song. "ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER?"he demanded, and proceeded to skip away with Soundwave in tow. No one really wanted to know what he was thinking, or if he was even thinking at all.
Barricade flopped down onto the couch, in between Bumblebee and Jazz, who had now gone fully into shock. A moment of awkward silence passed. He stared at the fizzling, shattered TV screen for a moment before sighing explosively. "I'm bored again," he complained.
This was more of a peppy writing exercise than anything, hence the excessive crack. Kudos if you know what Megatron is singing about ;)