From his window, he could see the outer walls of Maegor's Holdfast. Sometimes the Queen would come out when she couldn't sleep. On some nights, she was out there for hours, pacing back and forth along the balustrades.
He would sit quietly by the open window in the darkness of his solar and watch her. When he felt bold, he would light a candle, hoping she might see him, but she never looked his way.
She no longer was the girl he had left behind to fight the Ninepenny Kings on the Stepstones, the girl who had looked up to him and quietly asked him to protect her. When he'd taken his knight's vows and sworn to defend the weak and the innocent, he had thought of her and her alone.
That girl had died though. She was the Queen now. In the Throne Room she would sit below her brother, but when she spoke, she had a quiet authority that stirred something inside of him – that unsettled him, though he couldn't put a finger on it.
And her eyes... Her purple eyes were always judging him. When men at court looked at him, he saw awe and a hint of fear. "The realm needs people like you," Aerys had told him on the day he named him Hand. It was all he had hoped for and more. But his smile had died when he had caught a glimpse of her face.
"I had no choice," he'd told her. "What good is a lord if his own men do not respect him?" She had nodded, but her eyes told a different story. He tried to explain again a few days later: "They raised their banners in rebellion. It had to be done." "No doubt you are right," the Queen said, but her words were no more than courtesy, meant to end the conversation and make him leave her alone.
She thinks I'm just like Aerys, he knew. The unfairness of it was maddening. Aerys was vain and prickly, vengeful and cruel. Rhaella hated him.
Many years ago, she'd told him the story of how she had come to despise her brother. It must have been right after Summerhall when she was half mad with grief. Rhaella had wept a lot during those days, her mind confused and weakened by the birth of her son and the loss of her family. She was still bedridden, and he had visited her often, lending her comfort and support whenever he could.
"I was five," she had told him back then. "So Aerys must have been about six or seven. He'd started training with a wooden sword and took it everywhere he went. I'd found a spider under my bed, a big one with long black legs and a shiny yellow spot on its back. I wanted to catch it so I could take it outside and set it free, but it was just so beautiful, all I could do was watch it.
"When Aerys saw it, he came charging and cut it in half. He later found its nest under a table in my room and blew on it until all the tiny baby spiders came tumbling out. He crushed them with his sword and stomped them with his boots, killing every last one of them. On that day, I saw him for who he truly was."
"Perhaps the spider was poisonous," he remembered telling her. He disliked defending Aerys, but the prince's crime seemed so minor, her reaction so excessive that he could not help it. "He may have saved your life that day."
She nodded. "Oh, it was poisonous, yes. The maester later told us it was a yellow heart spider, the most deadly kind there is. If it had bit me, I would have died. But that's not why Aerys killed it. If you had seen the look on his face, you would know, Tywin."
The air coming through the open window was so cold it made him shiver. She thinks I'm like her brother, that I killed them because the blood was in me. That hurt more than he could say. She is only a woman, he tried to tell himself, unable to see past her emotions. Everyone else admired him for his victory.
He blew out the candle and closed the window. I'll make her understand.
His heart was pounding in his chest as he descended the stairs and crossed the courtyard. The drawbridge into Maegor's Holdfast was raised, but the guard lowered it for him without asking any questions.
The Queen had her back turned to him when he stepped out onto the balcony, but he knew she'd heard him coming.
"It had to be done," he said. "You will see that one day. I know you will."
She did not move.
"You think it was senseless and cruel. You think I'm like Aerys when he killed those spiders. But I'm not. I'm not like him." It was out at last.
She turned to study him, moonlight on her face. "No, you're not," she agreed. "My brother was a stupid little boy pretending to be a knight, trying to impress his sister, thinking that killing those spiders would make him look brave. That's still what he is today, a halfwitted child seeking the approval of others. You though... you drowned a family in their halls and still smile when you think about it. I don't even know what you are."
She turned her face, looking down at the city below. "My grandfather would have sent you to the Wall for what you did, yet here you are ruling on behalf of my brother, and all I can do is watch. If that's not proof that the gods are cruel, then I don't know what is."
You are wrong, he wanted to tell her. I did what had to be done. Who are you to judge me? But the injustice of her words hurt so much he couldn't speak. He clenched his fist, trying to fight back the lump in his throat.
"Leave me," she said, "I am tired."
She's made up her mind. No matter what I say or do, she will not change it. Suddenly, he was afraid that she would look up and see him like this, fearful of what he might do if she did.
He turned around and walked away without another word.