Episode 1
The screen opens up on a dock, two men standing on it.
Chris: Intern, got that camera set up? Oh, wait, we're rolling? Gaaaaah!
Chris begins fixing up his hair, as Chef, standing next to him, rolls his eyes. Chris takes a deep breath and looks up.
Chris: OKAY, now then…. Welcome viewers, to Total….Drama….Ascension! In this season, we will see one of 27 teens ascend into eternal glory by winning the roughest, toughest season yet! And to make it worth their while….we've upped the reward. For the first time ever, we're laying one BILLION dollars on the line! And now, let's introduce this seasons cast!
A boat pulls up to the island, and people slowly begin unloading.
Chris: First off, welcome last season's finalists, Mike and Zoey!
The couple walk out holding hands, waving at the camera.
Chris: Next up, season 4 finalists Cameron…
Cameron slowly walks out, but is tackled out of the way.
Lightning: SHA-BAM!
Chris: And Lightning… Cynical know-it-all….Noah!
Noah walks out, an unamused look on his face.
Noah: Glad to see the brain power of my fellow contestants is still oh so impressive…
Chris: Next, evil duo, Alejandro and Heather!
Heather and Alejandro walk by, completely blanking Chris.
Chris: Ooookay…anyway, fan favorites Owen, Sam, Cody and DJ.
Owen runs out ecstatic, followed by DJ, Cody and Sam, who is playing on his game guy.
Owen: Oh man, finally back on the show! Chris, man, what's up buddy?!
Owen embraces Chris in huge bear hug. Chris falls, a little dizzy, before motioning back towards the boat.
Chris: Athletic junkies Jo, Eva and Tyler!
The trio walk out.
Tyler: Aw yeah, this is it! Totally taking the gold home this year!
Jo: Cram it, ya limp noodle.
Eva: Both of you shut it!
Chris: Such a lovely bunch…now, after months and months of therapy, welcome back….Ezekiel!
The cast already on the island gasp a bit, but then exhale when Zeke comes out, completely human. He seems a bit less confident in himself, and walks by rather sheepishly.
Chris: Wonder how long he'll last? My guess, not long! Anyway, some more friendly faces in Geoff, Bridgette and Leshawna!
Geoff and Bridgette wander off the boat, making out as they do so. Leshawna trails slightly behind.
Leshawna: PLEASE tell me these two ain't gonna be locking lips all season AGAIN…
Chris: Time will tell…Anyway, the nutcase, Izzy, nature loving Dawn and…..Trent.
As they walk out, Trent is frowning.
Trent: Really Chris? I get no tag line?
Chris: Sorry bro…got nothing….other than that guy with a guitar Gwen broke up with. Speaking of Gwen…
Gwen walks out and joins the rest of the cast.
Gwen: Not awkward at all….
Chris: You want awkward? Getting off early on good behavior, Duncan Do-Good!
Duncan walks out.
Duncan: Hey, it was a tactic!
Gwen: No…no….not talking to you.
Chris: How about….Courtney?
Courtney slowly walks up.
Courtney: Uhh…
Gwen: Ugh! SO help me God McLean, if I'm on the same team as them…
Chris: I love quality TV… And to finish off the returning cast, lovable ditz Lindsay and dirt raised farm boy…Scott!
The two walk onto the deck.
Scott: So….I'm not important enough to be mentioned in the whole Gwen and Courtney drama? Seriously?
Lindsay: *gasps* you were involved in Gwen and Courtney drama? So was I! ...Is this like….a thing now for people?
Chris: Now for the final member of this seasons cast, we decided to go out and find the biggest total drama fan in the world, we found Katerina!
Some interns push a TV onto the dock and press a button. It turns on to show a girl dressed in a TD t-shirt, wearing a TD baseball cap and with the wall behind her covered in TD posters.
Katerina: Oh my gosh, I'm actually auditioning for Total Drama! *Squeaks* As you see, I am a HUGE fan of the show! Being on it would be an incredible honor! Winning the money, I would probably donate it to charity, and help make the world a better place! Not that I think I can really win….but it sure would be fun to try!
The cast: Awwwwwww…..
Chris: Yeah, touching….but we decided against casting her. Instead, here's the 27th contestant in this years total drama….Jakub!
A boy walks out wearing black jeans, a red t-shirt, a gray leather jacket and matching boots that have a row of spikes over them. He has blondish brown hair, swooping over his left eye. He has a light beard and mustache.
Jakub: Hey….what's up?
The rest of the cast look him up and down, taking in the new competition.
Jakub: So…..gonna be a go-
Chris: On that note….it's CHALLENGE TIME!
Chris shoves Jakub into the mass of contestants, causing him to topple them like bowling pins.
Chris: I thought we'd start this season with a nice little free for all. If you look behind you, you'll see a few entrances into a giant maze. Your goal is to get through said maze.
Noah: While I'm sure you spent hours of your oh so precious time setting this up…you made the entrance way too short.
Chris: Did I? Oh well! Guess you'll just have to crawl through it on your hands and knee's!
There is a disheartened grumble through the mass of contestants.
Owen: Heh, uh, Chris? I don't do too well with uh….small, enclosed areas…
Chris: Sucks to be you. Winner gets a pretty sweet reward if I do say so myself. Now without further delay…go!
The contestants all run towards the maze and picking their respective entrances, entering in small groups. The camera pans to the first group, made up of Jakub, Gwen, Sam, Dawn and Ezekiel. They all get down to their hands and knee's and enter the maze.
Gwen: (To Jakub) So, how exactly did they convince you to come onto the show?
Jakub: *shrugs* I figured I could use the money if I won, so I sent in an application and they called me in. Nothing too crazy.
Gwen: Hey, it's your funeral.
Jakub: Aw c'mon, it can't be that bad…
Sam: Hate to break it to ya man, but it does kinda suck. Like, they REALLY make you work for that money. Do you know how many handhelds I've lost coming here? HOW MANY INNOCENT CONSOLES LOST THEIR LIVES?!
Sam stops and begins weeping, Dawn crawling up beside him.
Dawn: Do not worry Sam, this season might just not turn out nearly as bad. While I do disapprove of the evils brought upon us by reality television, the money is generous and can do a lot of good, like starting a conservatory for all those poor homeless animals from the original island! ...speaking of, the island sunk…where exactly are we now?
Sam: Chris said something about paying some company a load of cash to try and recreate the island…
Jakub: Recreate islands? You can do that?
Dawn: How awful! Working against mother nature like that…oh, Chris shall pay!
Jakub looks over his shoulder to where Ezekiel is crawling a little behind the rest of the group.
Jakub: Yo Zeke! You've been pretty quiet…what's your story? How'd you deal with the whole feral….thing?
Ezekiel stops for a moment.
Ezekiel: Those aren't really my proudest moments, eh? I wasn't in control of myself… My parents finally launched a search party for me after noticing I was missing two years later… Then they sent me away for therapy to restore my sanity. Now…I don't even know why I came back. I'm just gonna screw up and get voted off first. Chris knows it, the other players know it, and I'm just a big failure…
Jakub: Aw c'mon man, don't beat yourself up like that. This might be your year!
Ezekiel: Don't bother, eh. I'm a lost cause…
Jakub glances at his other walking partners with a look of concern, but crawls onwards.
In another part of the maze, we see Alejandro and Heather.
Alejandro: You know, we made it to the final two during season three…we could very easily replicate our success again.
Heather: We could…or I could get you eliminated first to take out the biggest threat!
Alejandro: Ajajaj. You truly are gorgeous when you're scheming. But if it's a competition you want, competition you'll get!
The path ahead of them breaks into separate tangents. Alejandro silently sneaks into the right path, while Heather continues down the path leading straight.
Alejandro: See you on the other side Mamasita…
Alejandro slips down a slope that appears on his path, oblivious to it while gloating. He slides down and falls into a mud puddle.
Alejandro: No! These were designer jeans!
The camera switches over to yet another group, revealing Geoff, Bridgette, DJ and Duncan.
Duncan: It's like a little season one reunion! You guys remember that alliance we had, back during the Killer Bass? We could totally start that up again this season, make it to the finals…
Bridgette: OK, first off, we don't even know the teams yet. Secondly, isn't this the alliance you guys had that voted ME off?
Duncan: To be fair…this WAS directed more at the guys…
Geoff: Sorry bro, an alliance without my babe isn't an alliance worth joining for me.
DJ: As for me, I just don't do alliances. I know Momma wouldn't be very proud of me were I to play dirty like that.
Duncan: Guys come on! You're throwing away a chance at a billion for your girlfriend and your mother?
Geoff and DJ: Yup.
Duncan sighs, as the camera switches back over to the initial group. As they continue their crawl, Chris's voice appears over an intercom in the maze.
Chris: You know, I was afraid this would take you guys too long, so let's make this exciting! This maze is programed with a self-destruct switch! So you guys have about three minutes before cave in, good luck!
Gwen: When we said this sucked? Yeah…this is kinda what we meant.
As Gwen talks, cracks begin appearing in the ceiling. The group scream and begin crawling faster. As they continue, chunks of the mazes ceiling begin to fall. Jakub, being at the front, somersaults forward, narrowly avoiding the chunk of ceiling…as it catches Sam on the head.
Jakub: Thank you gymnastics! ….Sorry there man…
Sam groans, while Jakub continues his somersaulting routine, dodging the chunks of ceiling, leaving the rest of his group behind him. Soon enough, he see's a light. He gets back to crawling and exits the maze, the light blinding.
Chris: And we have a winner! Way to perform in you first challenge rookie!
Jakub smirks, shrugging. Yells are heard behind him, as Lindsay crawls out of the maze.
Chris: Oh good! And there's our second captain!
Jakub: Captain?
Chris: Yup! You two, being the first ones out, will be choosing members for your respective teams!
The rest of the cast slowly begins emerging, when suddenly several explosions are seen on the surface of the maze, and it collapses in on itself.
Chris: Well….sure hope nobody was in th-
A muffled yell is heard, and suddenly parts of the mazes rubble go flying. Eva emerges from the hole, headed straight for Chris.
Eva: You're a dead man McLean! I'll show you what happens when you collapse a maze on me…
Chris: I don't know whether to be impressed or terrified…so change of plans! This season will now have three teams! And Eva, congrats for becoming a captain!
Eva freezes, a smile slowly creeping onto her face.
Eva: M-me? A…c-captain? *regains composure* I'll let this pass….for now.
Chris: Okay…so, captains, get on up to the front! The rest of you, once you're picked, walk on over to where your captains are standing. Jakub, you were the first one out, so I'll let you have first choice!
Jakub is seen looking over the ocean of inhumanity before him.
Jakub: Err, I don't know, Gwen.
Chris: Lovely choice… Lindsay, you're next!
In the crowd, Tyler elbows DJ and whispers.
Tyler: Just watch, gonna be the first pick for Lindsay's team!
Lindsay: Umm…I pick…DJ! Because we had fun during that airplane trip a while back!
DJ walks over to Lindsay while Tyler's mouth falls open.
Tyler: (to himself) Alright, alright, no worries man, you'll be picked when it's her next turn…
Chris: Eva, your pick!
Eva: Noah.
Chris: Well…that was fast.
Eva: Shut it McLean…
Chris: Riiight….well, you guys know the order, do your thing.
Jakub: Ok, er…Zoey.
Lindsay: Oh, oh, I want Alebanjo!
Alejandro: It's AleJANDRO…
Alejandro dis-heartedly joins the rest of his team, while Tyler is shown getting nervous in the crowd.
Eva: Multiple personality guy, get over here.
Mike and Zoey gasp.
Mike: W-wait! What about, I mean, I can't be on a different team than Zoey!
Chris: You can and you will! Sorry bro, all selections are FI-NAL.
Mike sighs and reluctantly joins Eva and Noah.
Jakub: I need some brute force…so how about Lightning!
Lightning: SHA-ZAM!
Gwen and Zoey groan as Lightning runs over to join them.
Lindsay: Oh, Bridgette! You're super nice!
Tyler: What about me?!
Chris: Stop with the complaining! Whatever the captains say goes!
Eva: Duncan, over here juvy boy. And none of that nice guy crap this time around!
Duncan: I'm not….gah!
Duncan hangs his head in defeat and walks to his team.
Jakub begins scanning the crowd for his next choice and notices Ezekiel in the back, avoiding eye contact with everyone, head hung.
Jakub: I choose Ezekiel.
Zeke glances up, eyes wide in shock.
Ezekiel: Wait, what? For reals?! No way!
He ecstatically joins his new team, a smile on his face for the first time since arriving at the island.
Lindsay: Well, since I have Bridgette, I gotta take Geoff!
Eva: Pff, couples are for the weak.
Chris: Really Eva? Nothing influencing your choice of Noah so quickly?
Noah raises an eyebrow.
Eva: McCLEAN SO HELP ME GOD I WILL-
Chris: Might wanna choose your next member before your time runs out…just sayin…
Eva: I…urgh….Scott….
Jakub: Lets go with….Leshawna!
In the background, and intern is heard singing "Oooooh LeShawna!"
Leshawna: Aw yeah baby! No hard feelings, but I am in it to WIN IT this year!
Lindsay: Awww, I was gonna choose Latiqua as my next choice…um, I guess I'll take…Owen!
Tyler's mouth is shown falling open, no sound coming out.
Eva: This might be a stupid choice but…..agh, Izzy.
Izzy leapfrogs over Tyler, landing next to Eva.
Izzy: Oh yes, Izzy and Explosivo at your disposal Capitan!
Jakub: Alright….gonna go Sam. Gotta respect a fellow gamer…even if he does look freakishly like a college buddy of mine…
Sam: Ahaha, good choice. Us gamers gotta stick together.
The two hi-five.
Lindsay: Umm…how about Dawn! It's like I'm saying D'awwww every time I say her name, it's adorable!
Tyler: Dammit Lindsay!
Eva: Cody, shape up and get over here.
Jakub: Eh, not many choices left…I guess I'll take Jo.
Lindsay: Um…um….I want Camera!
Cameron: Uh…my name's Cameron?
Lindsay: …oh yeah!
Eva: I don't know how I can be this stupid….Courtney.
Courtney: What?! No! I can't go on that team! Not with those….Neanderthals!
Duncan and Scott glance awkwardly at one another.
Scott: She's talking about us….isn't she…
Duncan: Typical Courtney…
Chef walks over and throws Courtney over his shoulder, hand delivering her to her new team.
Courtney: This is an outrage! My lawyers WILL be hearing about this…
Jakub: Ahhhhh….I guess….I pick Heather…
The rest of Jakub's team gasps as Heather waltzes over, ignoring the glares from her teammates.
Lindsay: Uh….I had someone I mind for my last choice….but I can't remember who….can you skip me so I can remember?
Tyler: I'M LITERALLY THE LAST PERSON LEFT THAT YOU COULD CHOOSE!
Chris: Bonus time granted…Eva, finish us off.
Eva: Alright Jocky, you're with me.
Tyler: Picked last….this has never happened before…
Chris: Now that we have all the teams set up...
Muffled moans are heard from the rubble. Everyone turns to look, just as Trent pushes his way through.
Trent: Seriously?! Nobody noticed I was missing?!
Chris: Whoops….sorry bro…..you're kind of forgettable…
Lindsay: Oh! Oh! I remember now! I want to choose Tyler for my team!
Chris: Oooooh, yeah, sorry, it's a little too late for that….but as a consolation prize, here! Have Trent!
Chris shoves Trent over to Lindsay and the rest of their team.
Chris: Now then, first I'll give you all your team names. Jakub, you and your team will be known as the Sadistic Serpents! Lindsay's team, the Ravaging Raptors! And Team Eva, the Malignant Mastodons! Now then…. Let me show you what you're playing for this season!
Chris leads the contestants to the new islands campground.
Chris: Welcome, to camp Ignius! The hotel from last season was quite popular, so we had one rebuilt on our new island! Winners get to spend the night inside the hotel, whereas the losers are stuck in the classic cabins! Now, as in World Tour, only the losing team will have to send someone home….though the middle team will still have to spend the night in a cabin. So without further ado….let's get ourselves a REAL challenge going, shall we?
Chris walks the contestants back to the docks.
Chris: We need promo pics. Good ones. So your first challenge is for some self-promotion! Each team is to set up for a group photo, which we will use for various posters, billboards and our website. This is how you will be seen all around the world, so make it good. You have five minutes to think of ideas before Chef comes around with a camera. Ready? Go!
Camera cuts to the Raptors.
Lindsay: So, I was thinking we could all dress in some super fancy clothes maybe…like runway models!
Cameron: Uh, Lindsay? We don't exactly have any makeup or wardrobe…
Lindsay: Oh….are you sure?
Alejandro: Let us not waste time on this nonsense. Perhaps we could attempt to hang off the edges of the dock?
Owen: Heh, hey Al? I dunno how I'd do with the whole….hanging…part…
A frown crosses Alejandro's face and he shoves Owen into the water. His face lights up.
Alejandro: Quick everybody jump on the lard! We can pose from his floating body!
The camera switches over to the Serpents.
Jakub: Ok, we can probably go for something simple. Maybe a pyramid?
Jo: Why exactly do we need to listen to you newbie?
Lightning: Lightning ain't taking orders from nobody! Just take a picture of Lightning with his sha-licious muscles! We got this in the SHA-BAG!
Gwen: Guys, come on, we gotta work together here. Jakub's idea isn't bad, and it'll probably secure our place on the island for the first round…
Heather: Of course freaky Goth chick agrees with tall, dark and newbie…
Zoey: Can we not argue about this? I don't want to have to send someone home first…
Heather: Oh and I guess loser indie chick has a say in this now too?
Leshawna: That's it! Y'all better calm yourselves down! Newbie…er, Jakub…had a fairly decent idea! Let's go for it, and keep ourselves on the island! And I'd like to think if we lose because you aren't cooperating…one of you just might be the first to go!
Jo, Heather and Lightning exchange glances.
Heather, Jo and Lightning: Fine…
Camera goes to the Mastodons.
Courtney: Alright people let's do this quickly and efficiently!
Eva: Hold on twig legs. I'm the captain of this team, so I make the decision….Noah, think this out for us.
Noah: Uh, I get that I'm the most intellectually blessed participant on a team of cronies, jocks and rejects…but promotion was never my strongest suite…
Scott: ….Did preppy boy over here just insult us?
Courtney: It doesn't matter right now! Come on guys, think!
Scott: Yes mam!
Duncan: Oh, hold on, now you're kissing up to the lady?
Scott: Kissing up? Who are you to say that?
Duncan: Your worst nightmare farm boy…
Duncan and Scott begin to brawl and their teams take a step back.
Eva: OH NO, we are NOT having disorder on this team SO SOON!
Eva jumps into the fray, and quickly gains control, punching out both Duncan and Scott, just as a flash comes over the group.
Chris: AHAHA nice entry guys!
Courtney: No, wait! That wasn't-
Chris: Too late! You only get one shot!
Chris moves on to the raptors. His eyes widen when he notices that Owen is laying on his back, floating on the water, and the other team members on his belly.
Chris: Ok….this is just cruel….I LOVE IT!
Chef snaps the shot, and not two seconds later, the contestants all fall off of Owen and into the water. Chris and Chef move on to where the Serpents are located. They are all standing atop one another's shoulders, as though forming a pyramid.
Chris: Simple…yet photo friendly! Ok, let's take the picture…
As Chris is about to take the photo, a fly lands on Ezekiel's nose. He swats at it and his eyes widen. The pyramid begins to wobble and the campers begin falling, just as the camera flashes. The team lays on the deck, rubbing their heads after the fall.
Chris: Wow…way to screw that one up Zeke…I think it goes without saying you guys lose tonight… As for the winner…I'm gonna have to go ahead and give this one to the Malignant Mastodons! Eva beating the snot out of Duncan and Scott…PRICELESS! You guys can head over to the hotel! Ravaging Raptors, you can relocate yourselves to the cabins. Sadistic Serpents…you have a choice ahead of you tonight. Who's going home? I'll see you at the fire pit tonight, and you guys can send Zeke, uh…somebody…home!
The scene fades and reopens in front of a cabin, where most of the Sadistic Serpents are sitting. Jakub is walking towards the rest of his team, and passes Ezekiel.
Jakub: Hey man, not joining us to decide who to eliminate?
Ezekiel: What's the point, eh? I know I'm going home first…like always… *sigh*
Zeke walks off, and Jakub goes to join his team.
Heather: What exactly is the point of this meeting? We all know home schooled kid is going home.
Jakub: Well, I mean… He isn't our only choice…
Heather: Oh please. Eliminating Zeke is like a tradition at this point! If we're lucky, he'll turn into a freak again and never come back…
Heather gets up and walks off. Jo and Lightning exchange glances and walk off as well.
Zoey: You know…I feel bad for Zeke. He's never had a real chance yet on Total Drama… He's just a little clumsy…
Jakub: So let's keep him.
Gwen, Zoey, Sam and Leshawna throw a concerned look at Jakub.
Jakub: Hear me out. Ezekiel's a good guy. And we could use this chance to get rid of Heather! I mean…think about how many people she has stabbed in the back on her own teams. We could just get rid of a huge threat right off the bat…
Leshawna: Boy's got a point. I'm in.
The rest of the team looks around and nods in agreement.
The scene changes and the Serpents are seated around the campfire.
Chris: Serpents! Welcome to this season's first elimination ceremony! I would normally run through what everyone did wrong, but I think we all know who's going home tonight!
Zeke is shown, a very sad expression on his face.
Chris: Anyway, the following people are safe! *begins throwing marshmallows*
Jakub!
Gwen!
Jo!
Sam!
Lightning!
Leshawna!
Zoey!
Chris pulls out an envelope and opens it.
Chris: Honestly, I didn't even look at the votes, I just sort of guesses this is who it'll come down to. And the final marshmallow goes to… Heather!
Zeke stands, head hung in defeat, while Jakub, Gwen, Zoey and Leshawna gasp.
Chris: Is what everyone thought I was going to say! The last marshmallow, and I honestly didn't think I'd ever say this, but it goes to Ezekiel!
Zeke's face lights up as he catches his first ever marshmallow.
Ezekiel: No….way….
Heather: What?! You guys kept freaky home schooled kid over me?! What's wrong with you?!
Gwen: Sorry Heather, we just thought this would be a good strategic mood…kick out the rat.
Heather storms off towards the dock of shame.
Chris: WOW, did NOT see that one coming! Will the Serpents bounce back with one player down? Find out next time, on Total. DRAMA. ASCENSION!
The show fades.