The quiet. That's what struck Armin the most. Everything had been so loud and chaotic that the quiet surrounding him now was almost unsettling. He didn't know where he was. It was like the world was out of focus. What the hell was happening to him? He tried to think back to the last thing he could remember.
Bertolt. He'd anchored onto Bertolt in his titan form as a distraction so that Eren could cut him out. A series of distractions. And in response, Bertolt had been…had been killing him.
Just like that, everything snapped into focus. He was on a rooftop in Shiganshina. The city was burning, but Armin couldn't feel the heat. That was strange. Armin heard a familiar voice cut through the silence.
"Please Captain!" Armin spun around and there was Eren, kneeling on the rooftop, holding onto Captain Levi's boot. He had tears streaming down his face. Behind them was Mikasa, tears on her face as well, being physically restrained by Squad Leader Hange. And there in between them was...his body.
He wasn't sure how he knew that, as the body was unrecognizable. It had been horrifically burned. That was what Bertolt had done to him. But there was something else. Next to his body was another. Commander Erwin. Suddenly, the scene in front of him made sense. Levi had the titan serum, and Eren and Mikasa wanted Levi to use it on him.
"Oh, Eren, no. We have to save the commander." They didn't seem to be able to hear him.
"All of you get out of here. I've made my decision." Levi said. He looked exhausted.
"No! Please! Please, reconsider. Levi!" Mikasa sobbed as Hange pulled her off the rooftop. Her body was limp, like all the fight had gone out of her.
Eren moved over and placed a hand on Armin's body's head. "I'm so sorry, Armin. I wasn't quick enough." Armin felt his heart break. Eren's voice was devastated. But this was Armin's doing. It had been his idea and his choice. He had known this was the most likely outcome.
"Eren, you need to go. It won't do us any good if he eats you too." Levi said softly.
"Why not?" Eren said, looking up at the captain. "Why not change them both?"
"I only have enough serum for one. You know that."
"How do you know? We don't know how any of this works. The commander could eat Bertolt, and Armin...Armin could eat me. He'd be better at this than me." Eren's voice sounded desperate. But there was something Eren had said that struck Armin. Bertolt. Had their plan been successful? He turned and the other boy came into view. He didn't have his arms and legs, and he appeared dead to the world. But the steam rising from his showed he was alive, and his limbs were growing back.
"You would do that to your best friend? Drag him back into this world instead of giving him the peace he deserves?"
"He's more than a friend. He's my family. And I don't know how to live without him. I'd rather die."
"You're a selfish little brat." Levi spit out. "How do you imagine Armin would feel when he woke up? Having to learn that he killed his best friend? Kind, noble Armin who was willing to sacrifice his life for you, Mikasa, the Survey Corps, all of humanity. It would destroy him and you know it."
"But he'd be alive."
"And you wouldn't be alive to see his suffer. How noble of you." Levi sneered.
"You don't understand-"
"Oh, I don't understand? I have buried more than my fair share of friends, Jaeger. There is an army of ghosts waiting for me. That's what this life is. That is what you and Armin signed up for when you became soldiers. Arlert understood that, and it's time you did too. Now if you don't stop arguing with me and get out of here, I won't be able to save either of them and all this will be for nothing."
Eren stared at Levi with such a look of heartbreak that Armin wanted to throw his arms around him. Eren didn't even seem to be angry with Levi, just...devastated. Finally, after an eternity, Eren stood up. "I love you, Armin." He choked out before jumping off the roof.
Armin watched Levi take open the little case that the serum was in. He wondered what Erwin's titan form would look like. A voice spoke up behind him. "Armin, you have to come with me now."
Armin spun around and saw a face he hadn't seen in months. "Marco!" He gasped.
Marco smiled at him softly. "Hey Armin."
How was Marco here? He'd been dead for three months, one of the countless victims among the trainee corps members during the breach of the wall in Trost. More victims of Bertolt. Armin glanced at the other boy, who's head was resting on his chest. How could he live with all that blood on his hands? And why had he done all of this? Why had he caused all those innocent people to die in such an awful way?
"Armin, we have to go."
Armin looked at Marco and it hit him like a sucker punch. "I'm really going to die? Right now?" Armin had prepared himself for this, but now that the moment was here, he was scared. He didn't want to die. He wanted to keep living with Eren, and Mikasa, and Jean, and Sasha, and Connie, and Historia, and Hange, and even Levi. He was seized with a desire to go shake Levi. To fall on his knees and beg for his life. But he knew it wouldn't do any good. Levi wouldn't hear him. And he shouldn't choose Armin anyway. Erwin was what humanity needed, not him.
Marco nodded his head sadly. "You're most of the way there now, Armin. The hard part's over. All you have to do now is come with me."
"I'm scared, Marco. I don't want to die." It was like a weight was lifted off his chest to say it aloud, to admit those feelings to someone.
"I know you're scared. I was scared too. But there's nothing to be scared of now. There's no more pain, no more suffering. Only peace. This is a soft ending, Armin." Marco held out his hand.
Slowly, Armin reached out his hand and took Marco's. He didn't want to accept this fate, but there didn't seem to be any other option. What was he going to do, stay in this in-between forever? Never be able to touch or talk to anyone. Would he even be able to move off of this rooftop, or would he be stuck in this one spot? Marco began to gently pull him, walking towards the edge of the rooftop. As they walked, Armin glanced back and saw Bertolt. Not just his body, but another standing next to it as well. Like how Armin was. He looked scared and confused and so, so young. Like he had on the first day of training. Like he had the day they chose the Scouts.
It struck Armin that they were just kids. 15 years old. Why were they dying? Why had they been dragged into this bloody adult war? Why didn't they just get to be kids? Why had they been stripped of their innocence and turned into killers? For he was sure that Bertolt was just as much of a victim as he was. A puppet in someone else's game. He remembered that day, standing on Reiner's titan, and Bertolt asking them who wanted to be a murderer? Bertolt was just a kid too. Who had done this to them? Forced these kids to kill each other? Armin realized he would never get answers to his questions. He'd never get to know what was in Eren's basement.
He felt a tear run down his cheek as he made eye contact with Bertolt. What were they dying for? Were they dying for anything? Did it really matter? He didn't think so anymore. They were dying, whether there was a reason or not. Maybe there never was any reason for death. But what was the point in being born then? Armin saw another familiar face step up from behind and put a hand on Bertolt's shoulder. Ymir. So, she was dead too. Armin had suspected. That would break Historia's heart. Ymir had probably known she was going to her death when she chose to go with Reiner and Bertolt. He wondered how long it would be before all his friends were dead. Not long, to be sure, at the rate they were going. At how quickly the world was snuffing out their lives.
As he and Marco reached the edge of the rooftop, he was hit with a series of flashes that completely enveloped his senses. Playing along the canal as a child. Cuddling with his father. His grandfather reading him bedtime stories. His mother cooking dinner. Running from bullies. Meeting Eren. The scent of home. The wonder of the books his parents had kept hidden. Lying in the grass reading those books. Meeting Mikasa. The three of them sitting on the edge of the canal. His house in Shiganshina. The dreams of the outside world. The breaking of the wall. Watching his parents and grandfather leave for the reclamation expedition. Holding his grandfather's hat and realizing he was an orphan, just like Mikasa and Eren. Joining the training corps. Meeting the others. Jean. Sasha. Connie. Marco. Historia. Ymir. Bertolt. Annie. Reiner. Mina. Thomas. Franz. Hanna. Daz. Instructor Shadis. So many faces, most of them gone.
He saw the first time he used the 3DM gear, the swelling sense of pride that he could do it. He could be a soldier. He wouldn't have to be separated from Eren and Mikasa. He saw graduation day. His sense of pride that Eren and Mikasa had made the top ten. The day the wall was breached in Trost. Watching his friends die. Watching Eren die. Mikasa leading the charge to HQ. Eren coming out of the titan. The cannonball. Commander Pixis. Rico. Pulling Eren out of his titan. Levi saving their lives. Hange. Commander Erwin. Choosing the Scouts. Reiner saving him from Annie's titan. Annie turning into her titan. Annie in her crystal. Reiner stealing Eren. Erwin losing his arm. Clinging to Jean while trying to fend off a titan. Dressing up as Historia. Saving Jean again. Mikasa comforting him as he threw up. The cave. Historia's dad. Historia becoming queen. Leaving for Shiganshina. That last night with Eren and Mikasa trekking through the woods. Seeing Reiner come out of the wall. The face-off with Bertolt on the roof tops. Mikasa holding him as the world exploded. The sense of dread and calm as he came up with the final plan.
It had been a short life, but also a good one, Armin thought. He had certainly lived. One final flash came to him. Those last moments on the wall with Eren. Dreaming of the ocean. Eren would have to go without him. He hoped he wouldn't be too sad when he made it, for Armin had made him promise. And they were so close now. He hoped Eren would feel a little joy at fulfilling Armin's dream for them.
Then, there was nothing. The flashes were gone. There was nothing to see or hear or smell or feel. He wondered if this was what life had been like before he was born. Was this it? It wouldn't be so bad if it was. He couldn't feel Marco's hand anymore. He was alone.
And yet he wasn't alone. He had this sense of…home. And then suddenly there she was. "Mom." He choked out. Next thing he knew, he was in her arms and he was sobbing.
"My beautiful boy. You have grown into so much more than we hoped for you." She cupped his face in her hands and was kissing him. His forehead. His eyes. His nose. His cheeks.
"It's been so hard!" He sobbed.
"I know, baby. You have been so brave. And so kind. And so good. I am so proud of you."
"I've missed you so much." He wrapped his arms around her neck and hugged her close.
"And I've missed you, my sweet Armin. But we're together now, and we'll never be separated again. All of that is over now." She held him close, and Armin closed his eyes. He felt other hands hugging him and he knew they were his father and grandfather. For what was probably the first time in all his days, he felt at peace. Just total serenity. And he knew this was how he'd spend eternity.
As Levi sat on that rooftop alone, he looked between the two bodies. He could do it. He could save the kid. It's what Erwin would want. Save the kid with his whole life ahead of him, and leave Erwin to his eternal peace. Erwin had said as much when he'd refused the serum before. But was that what was best for humanity? Erwin was a leader, a symbol, but Armin was so smart. He'd come up with so many plans that had saved their asses. For a terrified 15-year-old, he kept a level head and could think his way out of anything. He could be Erwin's replacement, with time.
It broke Levi's heart to have to make this decision. Save his friend, his mentor? Or save a starry-eyed kid who dreamed of the sea? A kid who kept a soft heart despite all the horror around him. Why was it so hard? Why had this decision been left to him?
He looked at the horribly burned body of Armin Arlert, who had sacrificed himself to bring down the Colossal Titan. A kid who knew what was at stake and made the hardest, most selfless choice. He'd already had Levi's respect before, but this was just so much more. Levi was taken aback to see a single tear roll down Armin's face. It was like even unconscious and at death's door, he knew what Levi was thinking, and he pitied him. Erwin would want to save Armin, but Armin would want to save Erwin.
As he watched, Armin's face seemed to have the faintest smile on it, and his chest stopped moving. Levi had waited too long. Armin was at peace now. He was gone. So, Levi filled the syringe and stuck Erwin. Before he jumped off the roof, he glanced at Armin one last time. "I'm so sorry, Armin. Your sacrifice will not be vain. I'll make sure of it."
As he stared out at the ocean, Eren felt an overwhelming sadness. A year. If only Armin had lived another year, he would have made it here too. He always missed Armin, but at times like these, it was like his heart had been cut out. There was just a gaping hole in his life. He could hear Sasha and Connie and Jean playing in the ocean. He could hear Hange and Levi and Erwin talking. And he could hear soft sobs.
He turned and there was Mikasa, tearing streaming down her face. He walked over and wrapped his arms around her. She clung to him tightly. "He should be here." She sobbed.
"I know. I know he should. But he wouldn't want us to cry, Mikasa. He'd want us to be happy. We made it. We made it outside the walls." Eren stroked her hair. He had this feeling that Armin was here with them. "I can picture him here. He'd have that smile on his face as he stripped off his shoes and waded right in."
Mikasa pulled back and gave him a small smile. "I can just picture him saying I told you so. That it was real, and it was salty."
Eren let out a laugh. "He definitely would. And then he'd laugh." Eren could hear Armin's laugh as he turned and wrapped an arm around Mikasa's shoulders.
"It's my fault. If I'd been able to kill Bertolt that day, Armin would still be here."
Eren looked at her. "No. No, don't say that. It's not your fault, Mikasa. It's mine, for not being able to beat him without sacrificing Armin."
"Did you ever consider it's neither of your faults?" They both looked to see Jean had walked up to them. "Armin would hate you blaming yourselves."
Eren knew Jean was right. He let out a sigh. "You're right."
"It's Reiner's." They looked to see Sasha standing behind Jean, Connie alongside her. "And Bertolt's. And Annie's. And anyone else on their side."
"We didn't know him as long as you guys did, but we spent all those years training with him. We loved him too." Connie said. "And he's not the only friend those guys killed."
"If I ever see Reiner again, I'm going to cut his head off." Mikasa said. There was something in her eyes that almost scared Eren. Because it mirrored something in his own.
"We're going to kill them all." He said.
"Maybe we should just enjoy the ocean right now." Sasha said. "It's what Armin would want. For us to live to the fullest. Like he did. So when we die, we can go with our heads held high and no regrets."
Eren stared at her for a moment, and slowly gave her a smile. "You're right." He let go of Mikasa and moved quickly, throwing Sasha over his shoulder. She let out a shriek as he carried her out into the waved and dropped her. She was quick though, and grabbed hold of him, pulling him down into the waves.
As he sat up, he could see the other three coming out into the waves too. Further down the beach, he could see Hange pulling Levi towards the water, and Erwin scooping him up and carrying him. As everyone smiled and laughed and shrieked, Eren could really feel Armin there. This was what Armin would want. He stood up and looked out at the horizon, as the sun began to set over the water. He felt arms around his waist and a head rest on his shoulder. "I miss him so much." Mikasa said softly.
"Me too. There's so many times something happens, and I just want to tell him, or ask his advice, or just hear him talk about the ocean, and then I remember that I can't, and it's like he died all over again."
"I can feel him, here. He watching us. Loving us. Waiting patiently for us."
"And for his sake, I say we make him wait a long time."
"He would love that." What Eren didn't know was that the others were all standing behind them. Sasha holding Jean and Connie's hands. Hange leaning on Levi and Erwin leaning on her. And as all of them watched the sun set, they remembered a boy with hair like the sun and eyes like the water, who dreamed of the sea and being free.