It was a cool autumn afternoon and Jessica and Mickey weren't home from school yet. That was okay with me, I wasn't ready for them to come home. I was feeling too distressed and it was taking all I had not to run to the liquor store to buy vodka. I am, however, having a cup of coffee instead like the good woman I should be. The woman I deserve to be.
With my hot, steamy beverage in hand I go to the sofa and plop down. I look at the pictures I have on the coffee table that I pulled down from the walls. I need to sit and think about what is bothering me. I need to face them head on and not try to hide what I feel. That is what my therapist tells me I should be doing.
The first picture I see is that of my baby self. It's definitely not one of my first because I have a full body and a full smile. My personality is beginning to show. I was always smiling for photos and for people when I didn't feel like it. Again, what do my therapist and I always discuss?
I set that down and go to one of my favorites, the one of my mother and sisters hugging each other the day she married my dad. I was so happy that I was going to be having a father after all these years and I'm still happy today. I love him and all three of his boys with all my heart and soul. My mother finally got her "complete package" of a family and in my mind, no one deserved it more. My mom is amazing, my rock, and I couldn't imagine my life without her. My very little sister, Cindy, who really was my first baby, will always be that way, no matter how old she is.
And then there's Jan. I'm so sorry I've failed you. You had some hard times and I wasn't much help. When our first daddy died, you took it the hard and you weren't afraid to show it. I would slap you and tell you to stop crying. That only made you worse and it breaks my heart to know I was just that cruel. You had problems at school with some of your classmates, especially boys and there were times where I rubbed my popularity in your face, intentionally or not.
Look at you now, though. Yes, I know me and my husband have picked on Phillip for being a tightwad wuss-ass, but I know he loves you best that he can. He was so heartbroken that he couldn't help you conceive a child and you were equally heartbroken. I know I complain about my own little monsters, especially Mickey but I don't know if I could have gone through what you've gone through. Now you have Patty and yes, mom told me about your little miracle inside of you now. I need to call you and tell you congratualtions but I have to go check on something.
Okay, I say to myself heading towards the bathroom, let's see the answer. This is more of the reason why I didn't want my kids to come home just yet. I have been feeling weird for a while and so I took a test and...
It's pink for yes. I'm pregnant and so isn't Jan. Oh, boy, here we go again.