Title: Gods In Love
Chapter 1: In which Madame L's opens and events are set in motion
Disclaimer: I do not own J.K Rowling's magical world of witches and wizards, or any of the characters in it. If you know the series, you will be able to pick out which characters are mine.
Author's notes: This is going to be an odd story, I can tell you right away. It's going to start out on a more comic note and possibly get more serious and maybe even a little dark :) Enjoy!
ALSO: This story takes place in an alternate reality where Voldemort is not actively a threat. It is assumed by the general populace that Voldemort is dead. The Triwizard Tournament went off without a hitch in their 4th year, WITHOUT Harry. So the events of the books are the same up until then.
Description: In their seventh year, a wizarding sex shop opens for business in Hogsmeade, causing tension among the students and leading to unusual events and pairings (primarily Hermione x Draco, and other exciting pairings I don't want to give away :3).
O0O0O0O
Hermione blinked; once, twice. Her mouth hung wide open.
"Did he just honestly say what I think he said?"
Harry, one eyebrow raised, his expression unreadable, responded:
"Um, yeah. If he said 'mandatory sexual education classes for all upper year students'..."
Hermione cast an eye around the Great Hall. The reactions around her varied from confusion to excitement to irritation. Dumbledore stood at the pulpit and took in the students' faces with an amused smile. A lazy voice floated from the far end of the Hall:
"Is there any particular reason you've chosen this year to instate this colossal waste of our time?"
Dumbledore chuckled, the perpetual sparkle in his eye shining to the forefront.
"As a matter of fact, Mr. Malfoy, there is."
With this statement the buzz of talk in the Hall ceased, replaced with the waiting silence of curiosity. The headmaster went on:
"What many of you do not know, is that a new shop is opening in Hogsmeade. One of... dubious nature. Because of its proximity to the school, many of your parents have demanded that it be closed. One of our staff simply suggested instead that you be taught to use responsibly the... selection of items available therin. I am inclined to agree with this suggestion."
The silence continued on a moment after he spoke, and then exploded into hushed chatter.
"A sex shop in Hogsmeade!"
"No way!"
"Damn, I'm not seventeen for another month..."
Dumbledore spoke up. "The first trip to Hogsmeade this year will take place in two weeks."
He smiled conspiratorially. "But the store won't be open yet. Enjoy your dinner!"
O0O0O0O
The sign on the surprisingly well-kept building at the end of the row confirmed it. It read 'Madame L's Sex Shop' in a sort of old English font that caused a person to expect the words 'Ye Olde' somewhere upon it. The words 'opening soon' were pasted just below the engraving on the sign.
"Well, that settles it." announced Harry. "It's real."
Ron and Hermione hung back a foot or two looking moderately sheepish. Harry turned, heading back towards the other shops in Hogsmeade and Ron followed closely on his heels. Hermione lingered a moment longer, regarding the dark windows of the two-story brick. Suddenly feeling quite exposed, she hurried off after her companions.
Draco Malfoy slipped silently from the shadows of a nearby alley.
'So the mudblood is intrigued, is she?'
Draco filed this information away amongst his other cunningly gathered tidbits under 'Possible Future Blackmail', and retrieving his Hand of Glory from within his robes, slid back into the dark.
O0O0O0O
The next morning, Ron lunged bolt upright in bed, quivering like spring steel.
"Ron..." mumbled Harry, still mostly asleep, "what on Earth is your problem lately?"
In response, Ron grasped fistfuls of is ginger hair, drew up his knees and hid his face in the blankets covering them.
"Auuughnminee." is very much what his response resembled.
Harry fumbled around on his bedside table for his glasses, eventually finding them and putting them on. As Ron came into focus across the room, Harry asked:
"Could you say that again with less blanket in your mouth?"
Ron looked up, his wide blue eyes a stark contrast to his flushed face.
"It's Hermione..." he rasped, "I dream about her almost every night... She's- she's like a tigress! She just savages me and-" Ron uttered a strangled moan and flopped over sideways, burying his face in blankets again.
After a moment, he looked over at Harry.
"Mate, I just don't know what to do! I can't say a word to her without sounding a complete fool, and I always insult her by accident and she hates me anyways and-" he took a deep breath. "I'm buggered Harry. There's just no way."
"Oh come on, Ron."
Harry put on what he hoped was an encouraging smile. "Why don't you just try asking her out?"
Ron pushed himself back into a sitting position
"...You've got to be kidding me. She'd turn me down for sure, and then things'd be all weird, because she'd know I like her and all three of us couldn't hang out together anymore."
Harry rolled his eyes.
"Suit yourself, but you'll never get her be sitting around. Remember Krum? She seems to like the aggressive types or something..."
Ron's face darked at the mention of Krum, and he grunted a noncommital monosyllabic response, lying down once more and rolling over.
"Well," said Harry, throwing on his robes in rather a hurry to avoid another rant about how much Ron hated Krum, "see you at breakfast."
Except for Ron, the room was empty. Bits of the dream continued to bubble up from his subconscious, popping into his mind. He reached into his boxers and grasped his massive hardon. Thinking of her, his hand moved on its own until he came, gasping, into the sheets.
"I can't believe I just did that..." Ron muttered, reaching for his wand on the bedside table with his free hand. "Evanesco." he muttered, accidentally disapparating his favourite pair of boxers along with the dirty sheets.
"It's going to be one of those days, isn't it?"
O0O0O0O
It was.
That day began the mandatory sex ed classes, and Ron, by pure luck, ended up in Snape's class.
Upper year students (fifth through seventh years) were assigned to teachers of their own gender by a lottery which had been conducted overnight. The results were owled in with the morning mail. Harry would be in Professor Vector's class.
"Not too bad, I guess."
"I'm in Professor Sevenstone's class." said Hermione.
"Who?" asked Ron.
Hermioned sighed. "Don't you know about the new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor? She didn't arrive until today, so I have no idea what she's like."
"Her class can't be worse than Snape's..." grumbled Ron.
O0O0O0O
It wasn't.
Firstly, Ginny and Hermione were in the same class, and were at this point thick as thieves. The situation was already less intimidating because of the friendly company. The class was split fairly equally into members of each of the four houses, so no one felt alienated.
At precisely 9:00, the professor came strolling down the stairs from her adjoining office.
She was, in a word, gorgeous. She was neither short nor tall, but obviously quite curvy. She wore dark robes belted at the waist, emphasizing her hourglass figure. Her light brown hair tumbled to her waist in loose curls, and her eyes, the palest green Hermione had even seen, were astonishingly catlike. Her full lips curved into a smile, revealing perfectly straight teeth (one noticed these things when one's parents were both dentists...).
The students' reactions varied from awe to naked jealousy.
"My name is Professor Deia Sevenstone." Her voice was rich, deep and resonant. "This morning I'll be running your sexual education seminar. I apologize for any inconvenience to you, the students, as these seminars were my idea."
She finished descending the stairs and had a seat on her desk, facing the class.
"So girls," she began, leaning forward with a conspiratorial smile, "any questions?"
O0O0O0O
"Any and all questions shall be ignored." intoned Snape, glaring rather more petulantly than usual at the students of the class.
Ron, thankfully, was sitting fairly close to the rear of the classroom. He and Ernie MacMillan were the only non-Slytherin students however, making him fairly conspicuous despite his seating location.
Snape droned on: "We will be watching an educational video sphere."
He walked to the front of the classroom and flicked his wand dismissively, summoning forth a film of silvery mist that hung in front of the blackboard. He proceeded to the centre of the class where he inserted a dusty sphere he had produced from somewhere inside his robes into a small black box. He tapped the box once, and the mist at the front of the class formed itself into a small blurry man with a funny little moustache and old-fashioned robes.
He spoke, his voice slightly garbled, presumable from the age of the device.
"Hello boys and girls! Today we will be discussing the facts about sexual intercourse!"
Ron stared at the little man in horror. He sounded too cheery by far, and there was something disturbingly martial about that moustache...
"First," the little man began, his eyebrows twitching oddly, "we're going to discuss some of the myths about auto-eroticism, that is to say, masturbation." The man looked a little angry as he stressed this word, his eyes sweeping the classroom. Ron was certain he felt the beady eyes of the silver man pause on him as he remembered that morning's exploits.
"Don't bother taking notes, boys and girls, there's only one rule: Don't do it! Masturbation can lead to such problems as webbed fingers, hair on the tongue and deafness!"
Ron and Ernie exchanged flabbergasted expressions across the aisle. This was definitely going to be one of those days...
O0O0O0O
Ron entered the Gryffindor common room at the end of the day and trudged over to a free chair near Harry, Hermione and Ginny, who had been talking excitedly (along with most of the other students in the common room). They fell silent when they saw Ron's face.
"Come now Ron," spoke Ginny after a moment, "it couldn't have been that bad."
Ron met his sister's gaze murderously.
"It was."
He described in detail the creepy little moustachioed sphere video man ("They still have sphere videos?!" asked Dean Thomas) and how the man had grown angrier and angrier at each mention of sex until, finally infuriated, he had stormed out through the wall of the classroom loudly declaiming at the top of his age-garbled voice: "SEXUAL INTERCOURSE IS A MYTH! NOTHING HAS BEEN PROVEN!"
"Then," continued Ron, glaring at his listeners as if daring them to disagree with him, "Snape made us label biological charts of the male and female reproductive systems! And each of the parts had FACES! The ovaries wouldn't stop staring at me!!"
The room was silent.
"Hey Ron..." said Harry, carefully placing a hand on one of Ron's shoulders, "how about we go upstairs , and I can tell you about the useful stuff Professor Vector taught us..."
"Yeah, ok." muttered Ron. The two left the common room.
"Wow..." said Ginny, "I can't believe Snape didn't even teach them any contraceptive spells..." Hermione shrugged, and the two turned back to another Gryffindor female, a classmate of Ginny's, to continue telling her about their own seminar.
"So," Ginny began again, "that's why you have to be careful with engorgement charms."
O0O0O0O
Not a month had gone by that the next trip to Hogsmeade had been planned. Professor Sevenstone (with whom over half of the student body was now enamoured for one reason or another) was to be the head chaperone. She had turned out to be an excellent teacher in all regards; creative, sensitive, intelligent and resourceful.
"Just a reminder," she spoke as the group arrived at Hogsmeade, "I know you are all very excited about the new store," he eyes twinkled in an almost Dumbledorian manner at this, "but there is an age line baring entrance to those younger than seventeen years of age. This magic is very powerful and should not be trifled with." She paused, regarding the students seriously.
"The line was drawn by Dumbledore himself, so unless you want a beard, stay away. I can't promise that any student with a new beard at the end of the day won't be punished again. Now, go play children!" She waved her hands, shooing them away.
Most of the seventh year students made a beeline for 'Madame L's', but Hermione took the opportunity to browse the local bookshop while it was nearly empty. An hour or so later, seventh year students began to appear in the sitting area of the bookshop, giggling and chattering over their new and exciting purchases. As time passed, Hermione's curiosity began to grow . She'd yet to see the inside of even a muggle sex shop yet because there weren't any near her house, and she didn't have any muggle friends to go with. Now was her chance to see one.
She paid for a few books, and headed down the lane.
At the beginning of the long lane leading to the shop there was a new sign which read:
Shy? Timid? Or do you just need to be discrete? Try out the new discretionous charm. It will hide you from view of other people in the shop and even people in the laneway! No one ever need know you came here, but we would appreciate your business. The charm simply wears off when you leave the property!
- Madame L
Hermione considered. This was a more or less perfect arrangement; she could browse in peace and Ron and Harry couldn't tease her for what they didn't know about...
She gave her wand a wave.
"Discretionous."
She didn't feel any different, but when she held her hand out in front of her, it was shadowy and indistinct. She started down the laneway, hurrying a little, and surprised at her own excitement.
As she reached out to open the door, it flung suddenly towards her, smashing her hand.
"Ow!"
It was Ron and Harry, each carrying a small bag.
"What the hell was that?" asked Ron, looking around.
"Probably some loser without friends using the discretionous charm." said Draco Malfoy, shoving his way out the door with a pair of large bags.
Hermione glared after him.
'Jerk,' she thought, 'I have friends...'
Once Ron and Harry had passed, Hermione slipped in through the door.
"Wow..."
All manner of curious things filled the shop. There was an area to the right just inside the door with two bookshelves full of erotic literature and magazines. Hermione felt herself blushing deeply. She had never seen so many naked people at once as on the covers of these books and magazines, and certainly never so much sex. From the doorway it looked like an orgy of epic proportions, but in reality consisted of many smaller groups of people having sex in every position imaginable. Some couples sat heaving when they thought no one was looking and they were too tired to go on, and members of other couples or small groups wandered onto nearby book covers to find new partners.
'It's just sex...' she told herself. 'Perfectly natural.'
There were witches with wizards, wizards with wizards, witches with witches, wizards and witches and whatever on Earth that was... One wizard moved towards his female partner on the cover of a magazine with an apparatus that looked like a cross between a plunger and an electric mixer.
"Oh dear..." whispered Hermione, exploring onward.
The selection was astounding; lingerie to make your breasts seem larger and your bottom seem smaller, magical restraints (fuzzy and otherwise) that opened for a safeword (...or not), spells that would insert you into the sexual fantasy daydream of your choice (On the sealed envelope: 'We the company are not responsible for any mess that ensues-'), toys of every description, and-
'What are these?'
Hermione picked up a small box from a brightly coloured display. The picture depicted an item about the size and shape of a muggle pager. The packaging read: 'Sexual Match Finder- a self-discovery tool!'.
She reached for a pamphlet from a box attached to the display and read the description:
Wondering about yourself? This handy little gadget scans you to give you a breakdown of your sexual tendencies, preferences, and potential, not to mention the areas in which you can improve (and other handy applications available to the resourceful). It then goes on to insert your statistics into a network under a pseudonym and finds the most appropriate match for you in your area! You can even send messages to your matches and choose to meet, or not!
Guaranteed to give you a perfect sexual match! If you are displeased in any way, return this product for a full refund. That's the Weasley promise!
"Wait, Weasley?" cried Hermione aloud. Sure enough, there on the back of the pamphlet were Fred and George Weasley, grinning, waving and occasionally jostling each other. She hoped for their sake their mother didn't get wind of this...
Well! She had to buy it now... how could she neglect to support the Weasley twins in their economic undertakings? Not to mention the fact she was awfully curious about her potential and the ways in which she could improve... She hadn't gone much past second base with Krum, and there hadn't really been anyone since. She supposed she was a pretty good kisser, but she was still a virgin. A terrible thought struck her. What if she was never going to be good at sex? The idea of failing at something so important in life frightened her. If there was a way of knowing beforehand... she had to find out! She rushed to the counter and paid for the Sexual Match Finder.
As it happened almost every student in seventh year who visited Madame L's purchased a Weasley & Weasley SMF (which is what students began calling it for short) on that day. The resulting events would change the paths of many of those frequenting Hogwarts... and would simply amuse others...
O0O0O0O
Next Chapter!
- Snape is entered onto the SMF network (but how?! lol You'll see...) and a secret is revealed about his past.
- Hermione learns something unexpected about herself, and finds out about what seems a very unlikely match indeed...
Hopefully you guys have enjoyed the story so far!
Fans of Snape... next chapter will be a happy chapter for you :)
Look for it soon!
Reviews are greatly appreciated.
Planeswalker
PS (to Steph): WIGGLY-WORM!