"Ugh look at the time I have to go," groaned Lily.
"It's eight thirty, where do you possibly have to be?" said James.
They were in their Head's common room, lying tangled up together on the sofa in front of a roaring fire. Their relationship had become very complicated over the past few months. James had had a thing for Lily ever since they were in third year, Lily had hated him for his arrogance for most of their time at school. But at the start of seventh year they were made head students together and had agreed to be civil since they had to work together. They had quickly become friends, and then something had happened between them neither of them knew what it was or could describe it, they had just felt something change. From Christmas James and Lily had started to get cozier when they were alone, it started off with little things like Lily leaning into James when they were working on homework together. Then there was the odd kiss, and now they were both completely smitten but still no' one knew, it wasn't intentional or something they talked about it, it had just happened that way.
"I just have something to do, I should be back about eleven," said Lily trying to get up, but James had decided to hold on to her.
"You didn't answer my question, where are you going at this time?" said James pulling Lily back down into his arms.
"It's a secret," Lily whispered wickedly.
"Ah you have a hot date?"
"Oh damn you caught me, that is exactly where I'm going," sighed Lily finally getting out of James reach. She readjusted her clothes that had become crumpled when she had been lying down. She was too busy fixing her clothes to notice the look on James' face.
"Is it a date?" he asked quietly. He knew they officially weren't going out, but the idea of Lily going on a date with someone felt like a betrayal none the less.
"Yeah a really fit…" joked Lily then she saw the serious look on James' face. She sat down next to him. "Of course it isn't a date."
"Well…we never…I wouldn't…I don't know I just thought…" shrugged James.
"I'm not going on a date, I wouldn't," said Lily. "You see I have a bit of thing for this big headed, arrogant bullying toerag, who happens to be head boy."
"Really?"
Lily pressed a kiss to James' lips, then she got up.
"Of course, it's only common knowledge that the Head boy is a big slab of man gateaux," said Lily, then she kissed him again.
"Man gateaux?" said James with that smile on his face that always made Lily melt.
"Well most people would say man candy, but we're not American we don't eat candy but I do love strawberry gateaux, so it made more sense," Lily explained as she allowed James to pull her back towards the couch.
"Sense? Yeah…that's the word I would use to describe man gateaux," he laughed softly.
He gently kissed her lips, but he didn't deepen the kiss like Lily was expecting he was teasing her. He heard her moan whether it was pleasure or frustration he didn't know, and he didn't care he wasn't about to let her leave so easily.
"Damn you! Stop making it hard," moaned Lily, keeping her arms round his neck.
"I'm not making it hard, I'm making it easier for you to just stay," he whispered as he nibbled gently on her earlobe.
"No…I have to go…I'll be back I promise," moaned Lily as she reluctantly pulled away from James.
"I'll be waiting then," grinned James. "One last kiss before you run out on me?"
Lily leaned over and lightly kissed him. "Man gateaux and a fabulous kisser, I must have done something right," she murmured.
"Staying with your man gateaux would be the right thing to do right now," said James.
"I'll be back soon," laughed Lily disappearing through the portrait hole.
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At quarter to eleven Lily and Sirius were creeping back into Hogwarts. Lily had confided in Sirius about her relationship with James and sworn him to secrecy. They had been to Hogsmade to arrange a very special birthday present for James, he turned eighteen the next week.
"I can't believe you actually pulled it off," said Sirius as they sprinted up the stairs into the castle.
"What can I say I'm charming," said Lily.
"But still…he's really going to love it. He always dreamed about playing with the Chudley Cannons," said Sirius. Lily had somehow arranged for James to be part of the Chudley Cannons team the night of his birthday when they played a charity game.
"He better love it," said Lily, even though she knew he would.
"Are you two actually going to come clean about your 'Head Duties' on his birthday?"
"Perhaps," said Lily simply.
"What was that?" said Sirius, he had heard something. "Someone's coming."
"What do we do? If we're caught…" hissed Lily.
"In here," said Sirius grabbing Lily's arm and pulling her into a broom closet. "It's one of my favourites."
"Ugh I don't even want to know what you've done in here," said Lily her face full of disgust.
"Shhh," said Sirius, he could hear footsteps getting closer. He silently cursed James for taking the map that morning.
It was unfortunate that James had taken the Marauder's map. After Lily had left the common room, James had decided to patrol the halls, as head boy he had to do it twice a week and if he did it that night it would mean an extra night alone with Lily locked up in their common room. He had decided to cheat and brought the map to find students out of bed, then he had spotted them. His best friend and the girl he had come love, alone in a broom closet, their dots practically on top of each other. He raced to the broom closet and flung open the door. He saw his best friends back, he knew Lily was in front of Sirius he just knew it but he couldn't see her, Sirius was covering her.
"James!" gasped Lily, she was relieved she had thought it was Filch. She pushed Sirius off her and only then did she notice the look on James' face, he looked so serious. "What's the matter?" she asked.
"Oh nothing much, just finding you screwing my best mate in a closet," said James stiffly.
"WHAT!" exclaimed Sirius, he couldn't understand how James had come to that conclusion.
"James…" whispered Lily. How could he think that she would ever do that to him, especially with Sirius? Her eyes welled up, he really didn't trust her at all. She loved him, he couldn't love her properly if he couldn't trust her.
"I don't want to hear it," he said harshly mistaking her tears for an admission of guilt. "I'm not interested in anything that comes out of your lying mouth."
"James…don't do this," she said quietly. But he had disappeared under his invisibility cloak. "Come back!"
"Are you okay?" asked Sirius. His question was a bit pointless, it was obvious Lily wasn't alright, she had sunk to the floor and was rocking back and forth sobbing.
"He thinks that I…that we…he was so…" she sobbed.
"He put two and two together and made five," said Sirius patting Lily on the head to try and comfort her. "We'll talk to him and sort it out. Don't cry, it'll be okay."
"He thought I could do that…"
"We'll talk to him tomorrow…we'll go and find him now," said Sirius picking up the map that James had dropped.
"Now? He won't listen," said Lily wiping her tears away, and getting to her feet if she allowed herself to break down any further she would be in that closet until the morning.
"He will with some gentle persuading," said Sirius mysteriously. "Leave it to me."
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A week later and James still wouldn't talk or even look at Lily. He would ignore her when she tried to tell him what had happened. He walked out of the common room whenever she walked in. He had apparently forgiven Sirius.
"Girls like you come and go, you're not important enough for us to fall out over." He told her when she saw him and Sirius together.
He had seen her bawling her eyes out in her bedroom one night, he come in to tell her that they had a meeting with Dumbledore in the morning. He had seen her breaking her heart over him and he had just snapped the message at her and walked out.
"Lils in here," hissed Sirius pulling Lily into an empty classroom.
"Get away from me," she screamed. She lunged for the door, but Remus blocked her and then locked the door.
"Remus let me out or I will scream," she said.
"Scream then, they've put a silencing charm up," said a voice in the corner.
"Let me out, please," she pleaded. She knew the voice was James and she couldn't be near him anymore, she couldn't take loving him and having him treat her like the way he had been. "Please just leave me alone."
"We're not going to hurt you," Sirius said mistaking Lily's panic for fear.
"I don't care let me go."
"Two minutes," said Sirius starting to get frustrated. "Please trust me, I told you I would make things right and I will."
"What the fuck is this about Sirius?" snapped James.
"You'll see," said Sirius. He reached into his robe pocket and pulled out two vials of clear potion.
"Versatium?" said James.
"Precisely, Lily if you will," said Sirius handing Lily one of the vials.
"Can I leave if I drink it?" she said.
"Yes," said Sirius then he drank the other potion. "Right Prongs ask us anything."
"Why? I already know what I need to know from you two," said James.
"Ask her or I will beat you to a pulp," said Sirius dangerously.
"Fine," sighed James. "What happened in that broom closet with Sirius?"
"Nothing," Lily said before she could stop herself, it was as if she wasn't in control of her mouth. "We were hiding, we thought you were Filch. Sirius thought if he covered me, he wouldn't see us because he was wearing black and my hair sticks out like a sore thumb."
"Paddy?" said James.
"It's what I've been telling you all week," he said.
James sank into the nearest chair, trying to take it in. Lily hadn't betrayed him, in fact he had betrayed her he hadn't listened to her. He hadn't trusted her. He had been so horrible to her, he had walked out and let her cry.
"Lily I…" James choked out. How could he start to apologise to her for how he had been?
"Can I go now?" said Lily flatly.
"But he knows the truth…you have to make up…you can't just leave," spluttered Sirius.
"He knows the truth now but he should have known all along," said Lily quietly.
"I'm sorry," said James still reeling from what he had done to her.
"It's fine, we still have to work together I'm sure we can be adults about it," said Lily. "Now if you four don't mind, I'm late for dinner."
"Lily…" said James reaching out for her arm. As soon as his skin made contact with hers, Lily visibly flinched and pulled her arm out of his reach.
"Let me go," she said. Sirius stepped out of the way and let Lily leave the room, as she was walking past him she whispered into his ear. "The team are expecting him at seven tomorrow night, make sure he still gets to play."
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It was the night of James' birthday, he had just got back from playing with the Chudley Cannons. He knew he should be on cloud nine, it had always been a dream of his to play with them, but Sirius had told him who had arranged it. Lily had set it all up and even after what he had done to, she still wanted him to play. So instead of feeling great, he felt miserable. Lily still wouldn't properly speak to him, she was civil and talked to him about head duties, but whenever he apologised she just told him to stop apologizing. In that moment all he wanted was to see her, but he couldn't bear to have her look at him the way she had been doing.
He crept into Lily's room, she was lying on her bed in the dark and so he assumed she was asleep. He walked over to the side of her bed and knelt down so he was face to face with her. He sighed and brushed a few stray curls out of her face.
"How are you doing, love?" he said sadly. "You won't let me ask you that anymore. I miss you, you know. I don't deserve what you did for me tonight, thank you. I just don't deserve you, I should never have thought you would…with Sirius of all people. I'm sorry. You'll find someone so much better than me, someone that does deserve you…but just make sure he loves you even half as much I do." He kissed her on the forehead and got up and left the room.
James went into his room and took off his robes, he sat on the edge of his bed and ran his hands through his hair.
"James," said Lily quietly.
James looked up and was surprised to find Lily standing awkwardly in the doorway, as if she wasn't sure she should be there.
"I heard what you said," she said entering the room.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," he said not taking his eyes off her as she walked towards him. "I just wanted to say thank you and…I wanted to say a proper goodbye, you know it didn't seem right to just…"
"That was your goodbye?" she said standing right in front of him.
"It wasn't great I know…" said James but he was cut off by Lily kissing him and before he knew what was happening, she had pulled him down onto the bed…
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"Lils are you awake?" James whispered. He had just woken up to find his room in complete darkness, and his arms still around Lily.
"Hmmmm," said Lily sleepily.
"Can I ask you something?
"Sure."
"Was that your first time?" he asked. It had only just occurred to him that she might have been a virgin.
"Yeah it was," said Lily listening to the soothing sound of his beating heart.
"Oh…I'm sorry I didn't know…I shouldn't have…I should have…" said James feeling guilty he hadn't been more careful. Her first time should have been so much more special, she should have had candle and romance.
"I know you're probably regretting it," said Lily shifting so that her head was no longer resting on his chest. "but I wouldn't have changed a thing because we graduate in a few weeks and I didn't want my first time to be with anyone else. So I guess that was my goodbye," she said sadly then she got up, taking the bed sheet with her and went back to her room.
She got into her big fluffy pajamas, climbed into her bed and burst into tears. Even now she couldn't have James, he had said goodbye and she had practically forced herself on him. It wasn't fair, it had taken her so long to realise that she loved him and now she would never get to tell him.
Suddenly she felt herself being hauled up into the sitting position and a pair of strong arms wrapping themselves round her.
"I sat back and let you cry before, I can't do it again," said James rubbing her back soothingly. "So please stop crying, I hate seeing you like this. You shouldn't be hurting like this, it's not right."
"I-I'm sorry," she said trying to stop herself from crying.
"You don't have anything to apologise for," he said.
"I love you," she whispered. "I'm sorry but I really love you and it's not fair."
"Why isn't it fair?"
"Because one sided love is never fair…and it took me so long to realise and we're about to graduate and you thought I was shagging Sirius," said Lily, she had stopped crying but couldn't bring herself to move from her position in James' lap.
"I am so sorry I thought that and for everything I said and how I treated you, it was unforgivable. I saw you crying and I just walked out and let you cry… I should have known you would never do that, you don't have it in you to well I guess cheat isn't quite the right word since we weren't really officially together but it felt like we were. I mean when we were alone it was so amazing just being able to talk to you and…anyway I'm sorry I was such an idiot and I know now you would never do anything like that."
"I wouldn't," said Lily noticing that he hadn't been able to tell her he loved her. She made to move out of his lap held onto her arm stopping her.
"And I know how unfair one sided love is," he said.
"It sucks."
"How would you know? I love you, I have always loved you. I thought you knew that."
"I didn't," said Lily shaking her head.
"Can you ever forgive me for how I treated you and give me a second chance?" he whispered, he had never felt so unsure of himself in his life.
"I can and I have."
"Tell me again?"
"I forgive you and I love you."
"Thank you, I love you too. I love you so so much.
"That's great to know, now I want the man gateaux I left behind last week back."