As I said, if you've come here to read one of those never-ending ZeLink fanfics where they fall in love, kiss, get married, have lots of babies and live together for the rest of the Hyrulean eternity, go away now. If you want to flame this, go ahead. The Zelda community is full of rabid ZeLinkers. Go read one of their stories. But if you're tired of those fanfics (And the princess herself) and want to read at least ONE fiction story that doesn't involve Link and Zelda in some kind of stupid relationship and where he actually has the chance to barely communicate with at least ONE of the other girls, then continue reading.
This is my first Zelda humor story written completely by myself, so don't expect any big things. I'm no writer, so my humor is a little crappy. There might be more emotion and detail in the other chapters. If you have any ideas on what to write for the following chapters, tell me. Along with a flame if your heart desires.
Also, I make a lot of fun of princess Zelda. I don't like her. I said it. Start hating me, fanboys…
The Legend of Zelda, Link (sadly), his girlfriends and all the characters used in this story belong to Nintendo and not me. So don't sue me.
---
"Link, wake up!"
"AAGH! LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU BIG, BAD MAN!"
"…having nightmares again, dopey?" Navi pulled out the sheets, then she stretched her arms once again. She had woken up ridiculously early for this "big day".
"Navi…I'm not in the mood…"
"Come on, Link! This is your WEDDING day with the PRINCESS! Get dressed and groomed if you want to have a fun honeymoon with her!"
"I don't, that's the problem."
"…huh?"
"I don't want to get married. I DON'T. Princesses are too much for me. I was lucky to manage to get Ruto off my back!" Link was pissed to get forced to marry a princess…AGAIN.
"Okay then…"
"Hey, Link! May I come in?" A familiar voice came from outside.
"…SURE, SARIA!!"
"Link…"
"What?
"You're only wearing tights."
---
"Ruto, do I look good?" Zelda was teasing Ruto, as if to make her jealous.
"Why do I have to be here?" Ruto felt horribly pissed at the fact that her dad told her to help Zelda get ready for the wedding. "Why does dad think we're friends? He knows that Link didn't marry me and now he runs off with this weasel…what does she have that I don't? I'm pretty sure it's not chest.""You look FINE!"
"Impa, fix my hair again! I think that a little strand of my perfect, pigmented-less golden hair is going to touch my flawless ceramic face!"
"For the love of Din, you look perfect! You look too perfect! This is NOT part of my job as your attendant, I say!" Impa was getting pissed at the princess.
"Nabooru, go faster! My nails aren't going to dry quickly enough if you hold the fan that way!"
"You brat…I'm holding the fan DIRECTLY to your hand! And it's in high! There's no way they could get dried faster than this!"
"Are you stupid?" Zelda had a quick change mood.
"Are you on PMS?"
"You're holding the fan to the north! The wind is blowing to the north-west! You should make the fan's wind meet up with Hyrule's wind so they can both blow stronger! ANYONE knows that!"
"Why do you want me to paint your nails if you're going to wear gloves anyway!"
"BECAUSE I'M THE PRINCESS! I CAN NEVER LOOK TOO PERFECT!"
"…"
"Where's that redneck?"
"Her name is Malon, dumb!" Ruto insulted Zelda in front of Impa, then she quickly covered her mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
"You BETTER be! You insulted my highness!"
"Actually, she's been more dumb lately than usual."
"Oh, it's just the magic of getting married to the Hero of Time that has me like this…"
"Get your hand out of your forehead, Miss Cliché. Malon's in the garden."
"Ooh, a bride must NEVER go out before she marries! Nabooru, go check for me."
"I'd happily get out of this craphole…"
"Hey, you have to paint my toenails too!"
"DO IT YOURSELF!"
---
"…my fairy boy…"
"Malon, are you okay?" Nabooru walked up to Malon as silently as she could.
"Nabooru…did you feel uncomfortable when you married Ganondorf?"
"Didn't I? That man is just a wuss! He keeps saying he's a hunk because he's surrounded by women! What ELSE would he be surrounded of, anyway?"
"…sand?"
"AND WOMEN!"
"Don't you think Link feels a little pressured getting married?"
"Pressure?"
"Yeah…don't you think he feels a little obligated to marry the princess?"
"Who's obligating him? Besides that useless piece of--"
"I don't know. But if there's nothing, then I guess he must really love her."
"Malon…when was the last time you talked to Link?"
"Yesterday. He told me he had started to like someone. It's obvious that it's Zelda…"
Nabooru hit herself on the forehead. "If it was her, then why would he express it to you in that manner?"
"Who else could it be?"
"Haven't you thought that it could be you?"
"…maybe..."
"Hey, peasants! I need help with my-OH THERE IS MY BEST WOMAN!" Zelda came in, with her hair still tied in her head in a ridiculous manner. "Malon, get out of that dirty, 10-rupee dress and get PROPERLY dressed into this PINK gown that I made you so you can look good! After all, you're MY best woman! You'll have to look good if you're going to be next to ME, after all! Of course now, you'll be next to the perfect ME, so you'll obviously look bad…"
"Sigh. Fine. Give me that thing…this isn't even my size!" Malon shook her head in a disgusting manner.
"Whoops, I guess that I wasted all my talent on that dress thinking it was for ME! I guess that not everyone can have this spectacular figure, can they?" Zelda showed off her anorexic body.
"…"
---
"Saria, what do you mean you have a plan?"
"Trust me, Navi. When Zelda sees how Link is acting, she'll be screaming for her mama."
"But…isn't this a little…cruel?"
"You're telling me. I'm not the one forcing the Hero to marry me against his will."
"Hey Saria! Did you tell the music guy that the after-party's in the Temple of Time at 1:00?"
"I might…"
---
The bells on the Hyrule Castle rang like they had never been used in a 100 years. Which was true, actually. The castle was so old it smelled like rust. Anyway…
"HIT IT, RAURU!"
The organ started to blow out notes as if it was singing. There was a chorus of Gerudos on the left side singing along with the music:
Joy to the world, our Link's wed
We're burning his bride's head!
He turned into a widow
And he was still a kiddo
Let's see what happens next
We'll force him to—
"For the love of Nayru, sing something ELSE!" Kaepora Gaebora was the preacher, the one marrying the couple. He seemed to want to take care of everything, as if he was everyone's mom.
"Link, don't worry. Everything will turn out okay…" Malon whispered in his ear. She seemed to give him much more confort than his own fiancée did. Worse, she was the best woman. If he ran and and had a fun time with her, the newlywed wife wouldn't be so happy, would she?
"Shut up, here comes the bride!"
"HIT IT!"
"YOU GOT IT, BABY!"
"…don't call me that, fat."
Zelda walked in the room with the air of a divine goddess (She was far from being one). She had her hair pulled up with an ornament shaped like the Triforce. Her dress was lavender and white instead of her usual pink, and her armor was silver instead of gold. Her dress seemed to have a low cut on the chest which was supposed to expose something, but apparently, she had small breasts, so people just saw a lot of toilet paper rolled in there. She had a huge cape that was carried by Ruto, Impa, and Nabooru.
"Isn't her makeup a little…"
"Nabooru did her makeup. On purpose." Malon giggled and covered her mouth. But she was followed by an "AHEM!" from the princess, and she stopped laughing or else she'd be in trouble…
"Ahh, the light of a dwelling couple of youngsters." Kaepora started talking and introducing the couple.
"Once this guy starts talking, he doesn't know when to stop…" Rauru muttered under his breath.
"I remember…it was 20 years ago that I saw this young man here cross the forest with his mother. Yes, I remember that then came a green haired girl and found him. She gave him a kiss on the forehead, and she—"
"AHEM!"
"Anyway, I also remember the day the princess was born. Her mother had recently escaped the Hyrule Castle with a baby, and—"
"MOM HAD WHAT!?"
"Well, excuuuse me Princess. I am TALKING. As I was saying, I remember the day I met the hero. He was still a young lad, and—"
"Would you just shut up your big, deformed mouth and go on to the 'I do' parts already? Your voice is sickening me!" Zelda complained. It seemed like she couldn't say anything else.
"Look who's talking about endless, useless speeches coming from big mouths…" Nabooru seemed comical today.
Suddenly, Link acted worried.
"Wait. There's something missing."
"What is it, Link?" Zelda quickly opened her big mouth again. Saria was already starting to giggle.
"My best man! Where is he?" Link rapidly shook his head and started looking out in the crowd.
"Link, who was he?"
"It was Sheik! He was supposed to be here HOURS ago! Where the heck is he?"
Saria couldn't resist her laughter.
"Link, I am right here."
"This is not time for jokes, you. Where is Sheik?"
"Don't you remember? I AM Sheik! Why did I ask…?" Zelda was starting to get angry. You could see her red cheeks stand from her pale skin under her overdone makeup.
"Sorry I'm late. Let the party begin!" Darunia stood at the door with a big radio in his hand.
"OOH, BOY! DARNI, BIG BRO!" Link was excited to see Darunia. It looks like Link had called him to the wedding.
"Um…excuse me?" Zelda once again wanted to be the center of attention. "What's going on in here?"
Saria couldn't take it anymore. She was going to burst out in laughter. "Silly, Link called Darunia to host the dance! It's for the after party!"
"Are you stupid? The after party's for after the wedding!" Zelda was about to blow up. Saria's plan was working.
"Well, nobody told me that. They told me to come to a big, big place with a lot of people. Now, LET'S PARTY!" Darunia turned on the radio and, unsurprisingly, Saria's song was on…in a techno remix.
"What is going on!?" Kaepora was starting to freak out too.
"I bet you're a great dancer! If you're REALLY Hylian, then you know how to move your feet! Come on Zelda, let's do our first wedding dance!" The music was getting Link excited.
"She doesn't even move her ass to put her dress on! How is she going to move her feet!?" Nabooru was pissed now.
"I'll make you!" Link grabbed her hand, and started dancing. But, to his surprise, he had grabbed someone else.
"Link! Why, you!"
"MALON! Why, Malon…" Link blushed. It looked like Malon knew how to dance. Zelda has crossed her arms, which had made Link grab another hand by accident.
"WHAT!? This redneck peasant is dancing with my groom? Forget it, farmer freak! This is my wedding!" Zelda pulled Malon by the arm, but she wouldn't let go of Link. Zelda grabbed Link by his other arm, and now Link was dancing with two women.
"No! What happened to my beautifully and perfectly planned wedding?" Kaepora was going insane. Well, insaner.
"Hey, don't you like the sound of the beat, Zelda? Saria made this song!"
"Ugh! This is so immature! Link, stop dancing now! This is supposed to be a FORMAL wedding, not a redneck dance-out!"
"You're dancing too, you know." Malon giggled.
"That's IT! Link I am DUMPING you in the altar!"
…
"What?"
"You heard me! Now, start crying already to make more drama! I want this to be like one of those crappy novels you see on TV! I'm the heroine, you're the stupid hottie that falls for her!"
"No, I mean WHAT? I can't hear you! The music is too loud!"
"Sigh…"
There was no silence, actually. Nobody actually cared that Zelda talked. They were too busy looking at the groom. Who was actually very groomed…
"Wow, Link, you're a great dancing partner!" Malon giggled.
"Thanks, Malon…" Link blushed.
---
"Well, Saria, your plan to make Zelda dislike Link and give up on marrying him came out perfectly…but now he's with Malon. Are you going to keep chasing him?"
"No, Mido. I had enough fun for today. Let's see that brat try to think she's enough for Link now."
---
Well, there goes all I had in mind. This is actually kind of a one-shot, since all chapters will be little stories on how Link tries to get away from Zelda in various situations. They follow up with this story of course. But since Link never got married in this chapter, it's almost as if never happened. But hey, who knows if I'll make him get engaged again…please rate and review. No hard flames please.