Yes, it had been cold, not to say a proper goodbye. And yes, she did realize that she had left him standing there, watching her go away, like all of those years ago. And knowing what that meant to him made her feel guilty.
But she couldn't take it anymore. This wasn't what she wanted to do, she was bored of catching criminals, of getting abducted, shot at.
Sure, a few years ago she wanted her life to mean something. But now she just felt like making the hurting stop.
This pain wasn't an issue before; she hadn't felt it as hard. But she had changed. Maybe he had changed her; but that wasn't the point. The point was, everything had changed. She could feel it inside of her, all around her. Things had never been simple but now they were unbearable.
She started breathing in, slowly. But then she couldn't help but breathe faster and faster. Soon she couldn't breathe at all. She turned over in bed, trying to sleep. But when she closed her eyes, she saw Booth, drowning; Hodgins, bleeding. And she was helpless. Now she was helpless. And she hated it.
She punched her pillow into shape.
What had happened? What had gone wrong? Or had something gone right? No, this much pain and suffering could never be right… could it? Angela always told her to live a little; Angela had shook her head when she didn't understand something. Maybe this was what everyone felt, all the time. Maybe she had only just woken up.
Does Booth feel this all the time?
Of course her thoughts led her to her partner; theirs was the most significant relationship she had ever had. And now she was going to throw it away, just because she couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep at night without worrying about his safety.
"What? You can't leave! I'm the sensitive one!" Angela was furious. "And I was going to leave ages ago!"
"But I just can't take it anymore." It was hard enough to admit it to herself; she wished Angela wouldn't make it any harder.
"Just go on a holiday. Then come back. You can't leave me, Bren."
"A few years ago you were egging me on to leave."
"With Sully. To be happy. Not to mope around and stare at dead people that have just been dead... longer. Brennan, please don't leave me. What if I have a child? You'll miss it. Will you ever forgive yourself?"
"That's the problem. Relationships. They cloud rational thought." Any excuse was valid since the first one didn't work.
"Since when was that a bad thing?" Angela seemed hurt. Maybe it was better that way. She wouldn't be tempted to come home by smiling faces, welcoming her. She would be driven away, by hurt that she caused. That was what was happening now, wasn't it? "What about me? What about the lab, Hodgins, Cam? What about Booth?"
"He's got Catherine..."
"See? That's the real reason."
"No it's not. Stop, Ange. This isn't about Booth. Don't make it that way.
"But it is-!"
"Stop! It's not! I'm... just not happy here, Ange. You are. You've got Hodgins. Cam has got Michelle. Booth has Catherine. I have no one."
"What about Hacker?"
"Andrew..." isn't Booth. "I just can't, Ange. I'm leaving tomorrow."