I think I am in love.

Why else would I stand hours in the snow just waiting to receive a glimpse of him though that window?

But he never saw me. Maybe it was because I hid too well behind the thick foliage of the trees. So well that even those prefects never caught me.

But maybe it was because he would never look at me. His lonely gaze had always drifted toward her. It was always her. When she was there, she was all that was reflected in his gentle eyes.

I don't understand. What was so special about her?

Why does he always look at her, helping her? Why doesn't he look at me? Am I just a meaningless shadow beside her?

I have grown terribly greedy. At first, I thought, if I could just watch him silently, then I would be satisfied. It was my first year at this school.

Yet the five minutes when we exchanged class became unfulfilling. I needed more and more, like fresh cool water in the desert, a terrible addiction.

I longed for him.

I really really longed for him. So much that my heart ached every single day, just pining for that temporary relief. A gentle careless glance.

i still long for him, only him, just him.

He was my drug. My seducing painful kind cruel drug.

Drowning, just drowning into his blood red pupils.

He is killing me softly, little by little each day.

It was so cold in the winter, but when I saw him, through the foggy window, everything was worth it.

I have lost tracks of dreams where he had caress my hair, and pressed his warm strong smooth body against mine. Each time I wake up, there was no one there, just me, only me. In that cold pitiless bed, there was never warmth for me.

Jealousy.

I hated that feeling. Why did I meet him after he had met her? I was only too late, too late for everything.

I have lost before I can even compete. Now, there was nothing I can do.

I remembered when he first spoken to me. It was when that prefect tripped and fell; he walked over and helped her up, looking lovingly at her.

"Will you help her to the nurse's office please?" he asked me kindly when he realized that her ankle's tendon was wounded. His slender fingers touched the bruise softly, leaving her smooth skin, slowly and painfully.

It was at that moment, when I saw the deep tumbling emotion he had for her, the loneliness of his eyes, and the cruel gentleness in his voice.

I fell in love.

It was the only time he had ever spoken to me.

Someone once said that I was a fool, waiting for something that was never mine, and will never return to me.

My feelings were like stones dropping down into an endless pool, making only small ripples on the surface, but never reaching the black bottom.

But they don't know that my feeling for him, were as fragile petals of snow, wandering down to the earth, then melting away into water…