A/N: Ok. I'm giving this another go. So, I am obsessed with music lyrics. If fact, I am convinced that 90 percent of my brain capacity is comprised of music lyrics. 6 and a half hours of road tripping alone birthed the idea of putting something together using bits and pieces of songs. This is the result. Some are titles, some are snippets, and some are full lyrics. All music references are italicized.
Disclaimer: I do not own Skins or any of the songs used in this bit of brain activity, however Emily Fitch still owns my ass and I wish she would come collect it.
Verses Versus Verses
We're riding the winds of change, Emily and I. I can feel it in the steadily increasing banter most people call flirting. Two bottles of wine produces a nice buzz and a flurry of unnecessary "accidental brushes" of skin against skin. I suppose killing those two bottles of wine and being slightly unsteady on my feet is the reason I am sat on the corner of Emily's bed. In Emily's flat. At 3 AM. In just my t shirt and knickers, waiting for her to come out of the bathroom.
I wish I'd only look and didn't have to touch. I wish I'd only smell this and didn't have to taste. Normally I'd be all dressed up in my finest attitude, pretending I don't care. Tonight, however, Emily has a glint in her eye as she enters the bedroom. Her eyes say, "before the night is through, I wanna do bad things with you". Bad things, good things, It's All About Perspective, really. ;)
I watch her close the door before she walks over and straddles my legs, wrapping her arms around my neck. "Is it passion or coincidence that's prompted you to stay?", she asks. I look up at my brown eyed girl and think, "calm down my heart, don't beat so fast. Don't be afraid, just once in a lifetime". The truth is I can't fight this feeling anymore. It's the disparity between the smirk on her face that says "I wanna fuck you like an animal" and the look in her eyes that says, " when you're on the outside baby and you can't get it, I will show you you're so much better than you know". That is what makes me give in. The fact that she can say those two things simultaneously is the whole of my undoing. I lift my hands to touch her face. My eyes tell her to unravel me. She does. She leans down and brushes her lips against mine. Tentatively, as if she is afraid that I am afraid. I am afraid to be honest, but for this moment I won't fear love. The only way I know to do this is to turn it around on her. I tilt my head to the side and lick up her neck, whispering, " I know that you're weak; I know that you want me" when I reach her ear. "I want you" she whispers back before running her hands down my sides and grasping the hem of my shirt. She pulls up with slow hands, the voltage running through her skin, gently dragging her nails up my sides as she pulls my shirt off and tosses it to the floor. I am mesmerized by the look in her eyes at her first glimpse of me nearly naked. She is my dahlia bathed in possession, she is so into me. I can't help but smile a little at the thought as I reach up to undo the buttons on her pj top.
We lock eyes as I push the top off her shoulders. Her eyes are so full of heat. I can't keep the words "I want to touch the light- the heat- I see in your eyes" from tumbling from my lips. "Well, I want to touch all of you", she says as she licks my bottom lip while running her hands across my collar bones, down to my breasts. Her touch makes me gasp and she takes advantage of my parted lips- sliding her tongue against and around mine in a boldness I should have expected, but somehow didn't. Her hands did some sliding of their own across my breasts, pausing deliberately to twist and tug at my nipples before sliding oh so terribly slowly down my stomach. One hand slid over to grasp my hip as the other slid beneath the waistband of my knickers. We broke from our kiss with a double exclamation of "fuck" before she pushed me down on the bed completely. Once again my eyes communicated more than my mouth was able. I knew she understood that I was telling her to take every little piece of my heart- take every little piece of my soul. I knew she understood because as she reached down to pull my knickers off, her eyes answered with I'll take whatever you're given. It felt nice to give to Emily. Everyone took from her, she was constantly taken for granted, especially by me. I wanted to give to her. I held that thought in my mind as I reached down and pushed her knickers from her hips and slid them down her legs. Oh, the heat. The heat and the sickliest sweet smelling sheets that cling to backs of my knees and my feet. As I finally ran my hand up the inside of her thigh and into her warm, wet heat- I thought, "this feels like home. I should have known from my first breath". This is what I have always wanted. This was my constant craving. To be entangled with Emily. We moved together. I was no longer tongue tied and twisted- an Earth bound misfit. I was Learning to Fly. Emily was teaching me with every curve of her fingers and flick of her tongue. I gave back as much as I could. Letting her know how she was making me feel by making her feel it too. Our pants, moans, gasps and labored "oh god...shit... fuck... harder... more" blended together to create an unspoken policy of truth between us. Emily rested her sweaty forehead against mine and with ragged breath said, "I want to explode- watch me". Watch her I did. Her shuddering and clenching around my fingers pushed me right to the edge. She was so beautiful in that moment- staring into my eyes-taking all I could give her and giving it all right back. I cried out her name as I free fell through a twilight galaxy. We stayed connected- hands, mouths, lips, tongues and teeth- until even the little earthquakes subsided. She slid from on top of me to rest against my side, looking at me. "Are you OK?", she asked. "Close your eyes-give me your hand. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you understand?", was the response I gave her. She nodded her head and curled her arm around my waist, burying her face in my neck. I lay there while her breathing evened out. My thoughts ran rampant through my mind. I don't know what happens now, I am too scared to close my eyes. I am afraid that in the morning she'll wake up and say, " I can hear the things that you're dreaming about- when you open up your heart and the truth comes out".
True to form, I ran. I ran slowly, but I ran none the less. I was gentle in my maneuvering from under Emily's grasp. I was careful not to wake her as I slipped from under the sheets. I searched for my clothes in the mess we made. I can't bear to part without leaving her something, anything. I scribble a haphazard note and leave it on the pillow before walking away from things that move too fast.
I made it home to my own flat while it was still dark outside. I stayed in bed all day in that state of limbo where you're half awake and half asleep. When I did sleep, I had strange dreams of being bathed in red. I didn't know what it meant. As it got later and later without word from Emily, even a text, I started to panic. Discomfort has pulled itself upon me-distracting-reacting. Against my will I stand beside my own reflection. I don't like what I see. I think about Emily. I think about how warm she was, how much she felt like home. I mentally ask her "is it my turn to wish you were lying here?" Knowing the answer to that is a resounding yes, I make up my mind. I look at the clock: 3 AM. I swear, it's 3 AM eternal with me. I pick up my phone and toss it up and catch it a few times, trying to figure out what I am going to say. I don't break easy- I have my pride. Pride won't give me Emily, or let me keep her, rather. I scroll through my contacts and find her name. Her name is actually first in my contact list (1Emily), but I passed it on purpose to stall for a few more seconds. It's now or never. I press call.
Ring
Ring
Ring
Her raspy "hello" startles me for a second, but I know I have to do this: I take a deep breath and say, "I know it's kinda late. I hope I didn't wake you. What I've to say can't wait. I hope you'll understand. Every time I've tried to tell you, the words just came out wrong...so I'll have to say I love you- in a song."
Fin
PS: It's 6 am right now, and I am too tired to create an Appendix for the songs used, but if you don't know what they are and you want to know, let me know and I will be happy to let you know.