I'd Ship That
(Marauders, in the literal sense)
AU: MWPP/Pirates
Summary: Sirius, captain of the Marauders, goes on a drunken escapade to kidnap his brother... Then decides he'd prefer his brother's tutor, Remus. Swashbuckling slash-y goodness for all!
Pairing: Sirius/Remus, James/Lily, Peter/Abandonment... everybody wins!
Length: Three-shot (probably)
1: Drunken Abduction
In a rowdy bar in Port Hogsmeade, the tiny crew of the Marauder swig their rum with relish. The drink is practically pushed into their hands; as are the women; but enigmatically they keep to their own, as they always do.
"Not a thought to these other girls then, James?" the captain asks, with a toss of his long black ponytail and a smirk adorning his handsome face.
The first mate smirked in kind, ruffling his already unkempt hair. "You know there's but one girl for me. Right, my good wench?"
The ship's physician, a fair-faced girl with fiery crimson hair, turned to glare at him. "What have I told you about calling me a wench?"
James swallowed, lowering himself on the bar stool. "Um... it's demeaning and degrading and don't do it?"
"And?"
He blinked owlishly, at a loss.
"This is the part where you beg for mercy," the captain whispered loudly to him, winking roguishly at the woman, who returned the grin and looked expectantly at the offending pirate.
"And please don't kill, maim or castrate me, dearest fair Lily who is wisest and bravest of all?"
Lily's reddened lips turned up in a smile, eyes dancing like firelight on emeralds. "That'll have to do, I suppose."
The captain snickered approvingly.
James glowered at him. "Whatever happened to 'henches before wenches'?"
"There's that word again!" the dark-haired man crowed, and in a flash James was soaked in ale.
"That's a waste of good rum, that is," the cabin boy said disapprovingly, pointed nose crinkling in distaste.
"Lighten up, Pete," Lily countered lightly, a far cry from the well-mannered doctor's daughter she once was. Peter just stared mournfully at the amber liquid dripping steadily to the filthy pub floor.
Meanwhile, in a much more reputable region just inland of the port, a flustered-looking boy tripped up the pebble path to an imposing grey building, choked in ivy and propriety. He rang the brass bell in trepidation, shivering in the chill breeze. Cotton shirts and breeches just weren't made for seaside weather, he thought glumly, as the mammoth door finally opened.
Standing before him was a very short, large-eared servant.
"Is this the Black family house?" Remus asked uncertainly.
"The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black," the servant corrected immediately. "You would be the new tutor, then?"
"Remus Lupin," he introduced himself, "And you are?"
Ignoring the question, the servant started walking back down the vast tiled corridor, muttering to himself as he did so. Letting this incivility slide (the man was obviously mad), Remus followed.
The servant, still grumbling, led him to the east wing of the fourth floor. "These are Master Regulus' chambers," he announced suddenly, before promptly stalking off. Shaking off the oddity of the man, Remus stepped inside.
Regulus – for Remus presumed it must be he – sat stiffly at a desk by the window, cobalt eyes darting swiftly over the pages of an ancient tome. He looked up sharply at Remus' entry.
"You're the new tutor?"
Remus nodded, and made his introduction. The boy himself was cordial and quiet, with a stern and awkward face – he could only be a year or two younger than Remus. Despite their similar ages, he was willing to learn and Remus quickly found him to be a bright and eager student.
This arrangement went for some weeks before fate played another hand.
"Hey," the Marauder's captain chortled drunkenly. "You know what would be fun?"
"Lily and me 'aving some aloone time?" James slurred back.
"If you can't handle your ale, how could you handle all this?" Lily demanded, clumsily gesturing down her trim figure. James tried to protest, but the captain cut across him.
"I meant," he interrupted loudly, "that we could do pirate things."
"And what do these 'pirate things' entail, oh captain my captain?" Lily giggled. He pointed at a distant manor house in reply.
"Let's piss off some stuffed-shirts," he announced, to roars of approval from his crew.
Remus awoke to the piercing sound of glass smashing. He swore colourfully and hurried into the hallway, hastily pulling on his dark blue breeches as he did so. When he saw what was happening downstairs, however, he froze stiff.
The lord and lady of the house were tied to carved wooden chairs he vaguely recognised as being from the dining room. Before them stood a redheaded woman in a rosy-brown corseted dress, cut off above the knees over pale olive breeches. Her companion, a tall, bespectacled man in oversized clothes and a dark leather vest, was nimbly throwing a gold coin between his hands, and talking animatedly with the woman. Whatever he was saying couldn't have come off well, because she was rolling up her long puffed sleeves threateningly. He half-snorted, the interaction seeming all the more amusing amidst his terror. Of course they heard him, and snapped their heads to look at him.
"You think he's the one, James?"
"Looks that way, Lily-Flower. Right age, and all."
Remus vaguely regretted never learning self-defense as he too found himself bound and gagged as the rogues pilfered everything they could carry.
Their task completed, they flopped themselves onto the champagne loveseat from the sitting room, joyfully eating stolen truffles.
"The rich certainly know how to live," the man called James sighed happily. Lily giggled. Remus had a strong inkling they were drunk, which really only made his whole situation seem more pathetic.
Then out of the hall strode another of the fiends. It was with his appearance that Remus realised what they were – pirates.
This man was clearly the captain, though his ivory complexion seemed as though it had never been kissed by sun in his life. His hair was long and lustrous, and black as his silver-buckled boots. He grinned a feral grin at the scene before him, mockingly tipping his tricorn hat in their direction.
"Mother, Father," he greeted, removing their gags with dainty fingers. Underneath his own silencer Remus' mouth dropped open in shock.
"Sirius Orion Black," Lady Black spat at the intruder. "You have some nerve coming back here."
"Nerve is one thing I possess in spades, Mother dear," Sirius said silkily. "Pity I cannot say the same of you."
"What is your purpose in coming here?" the lord cut in curtly. "Do you mean to humiliate us further?"
"Always, Father," Sirius replied. "But today, I come for sweet little Reggie." He turned to his crew. "Where is he?"
They gestured to where Remus lay. Seeing him, Sirius snorted. "Are you daft? That's a servant."
Remus narrowed his amber eyes. "You stuck-up, thieving ponce!" he yelled, or he would of, if not for the fact that he was still gagged. It came out more like, "Urh st-kuh veevee poh!" which didn't quite have the same impact.
Sirius laughed at him.
"I like you," he remarked, lazily pulling the restraining piece of cloth away from Remus' mouth. He turned back to his crew. "Change of plan."
And Remus suddenly found himself being hoisted over the man's shoulder, while the others grabbed their ill-gotten prizes.
"Bye, Reggie!" Sirius called casually. Remus could just see the stunned boy at the top of the stairs, the strange servant by his side.
"Mother, Father," Sirius added, bowing deeply to them, and causing Remus to tip dangerously. He kicked his trussed-up feet as the Black elders glared furiously at their son.
Finally, the strange procession of bandits and captive swaggered out through the doors Remus had found so daunting, down the pebbled path and into the wooded area beyond.
Once they'd made it through the trees and finally reached the liquor-drenched dock, he espied a mahogany ship, adorned with golden cursive christening it Marauder. It was surprisingly small, with crisp black cotton sails –
"Are those the bed sheets from the House of Black?" Remus commented mildly.
"Yes. Yes they are," Sirius replied merrily, and promptly tossed Remus onto the deck, where the ragtag group assembled.
"May I introduce," Sirius began grandly, hauling himself up too, "The wise and fair Lily, our ship's physician."
Lily curtsied playfully, winking kindly at Remus.
"... The swift-fingered and foolhardy James, our first mate."
"I resent that," James interrupted with a glare.
Ignoring him, Sirius went on, "Peter, our cabin boy..."
A fair-haired boy in beige breeches, red headscarf and a white shirt over an azure undershirt stepped forward, fidgeting nervously.
"... And me, I suppose. Sirius," he added.
"I gathered, yeah," Remus replied cuttingly, still not happy about being kidnapped so easily. Sirius just smiled enigmatically, taking no heed of the other boy's displeasure.
"Together we are the Marauders," Sirius finished. He paused. "Except Peter. Goodbye, Peter."
And in the blink of an eye he was unceremoniously tossed overboard.
"You –" Remus spluttered, "What did you do that for?"
"He was ratting us out to some gang members back in London," Sirius said dismissively. "Been waiting for a chance to ditch him." He turned back to the remaining members of his crew, who were waving cheerily at the bobbing figure in the water. "Let's set sail!"
"Wait," Remus interrupted, "that's it? That's your entire crew?"
"We're a multitalented group."
"Uh-huh."
Sirius grinned widely, and Remus felt a strange swirling in his stomach.
"What's your name?" the man asked. "You never said, with the looting and the kidnapping and whatnot."
Remus snorted derisively. "Remus," he said shortly. "My name's Remus."
Sirius smiled again, and the unfortunate tutor began to wonder whether he had eaten something funny. Then something else occurred to him.
"Are you going to untie me anytime soon?"
a/n: I apologise for the clothes descriptions. I usually don't bother, because it's not very interesting, but since it's an AU I really wanted to tell you.
Also, Sirius is a bit more upbeat because a) he's completely free, b) he's a pirate, which kicks arse, and c) he's at least tipsy pretty much the entire time.
Reviewww!