My Father Before Me
A/N: This idea popped into my head after I saw the fifth movie.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything it all belongs to J.K. Rowling.
Summary: Spoilers for the fifth movie. A look into how Harry feels after the battle at the Department of Mysteries.
Warnings: Angst.
My Father Before
Me
By vampyreice
James.
If there ever can a time when Harry would hate that name more than he did at that very moment he would really like to see it.
Harry knew that he looked like his father; having people remind him of this fact on a daily basis was a bit of a give away, but to have Sirius; the one person who he trusted with his life, the one person who had always believed in him and who was there for him, mistake him for his father was extremely upsetting and shocking. How was Harry supposed to trust anything that Sirius told him ever again, how was Harry supposed to know whether Sirius was talking to him or to the ghost of his late father. Their relationship; which had been built on trust, was almost completely destroyed in the span of three words.
Three monosyllabic words.
Not that he would have to worry about it anymore seeing as though Harry's actions had caused Sirius to be killed; which just made things even worse. If Sirius had survived, Harry would have had a chance to talk to him about it and find out what Sirius' true feelings were for Harry but now all that was left was doubt. Doubt about his worth and doubt about his so-called loved ones.
Harry wanted to be angry at Sirius but just thinking of how Sirius was hit by the curse from his deranged cousin and was engulfed by the same blinding green light as his parents; remembering how his face had changed from triumph to disbelief in a split second before it froze that way for eternity as he died -- how his body fell backwards into the mysterious veil, disappearing as it fell; and he knew that in his heart he would never be able to be truly angry at Sirius. As much as he wanted to.
Harry had gone through a barrage of emotions until all that was left was pain.
Harry had always been glad that he resembled his father because it gave Harry a lasting connection and that little something extra to remember him by but now, now Harry wished that the likeness was not so apparent. At least then he would know whether people liked him for himself or whether they were spending time with him in the hopes that they would be able to relive the days of James Potter through him.
Now he was completely lost.
Did that mean that Remus was only kind to him because he was James' son or was he actually impressed by Harry's skills at Defence Against the Dark Arts, was Professor McGonagall lenient towards him because of his father and not because of his actions since arriving at Hogwarts, was Dumbledore only nice to him to repay the debt he felt he owed James? Were all of the members of the Order just humouring him because of their feelings towards James?
Harry didn't know what to think about anyone anymore. He had no way of telling their true feelings. For the first time in years, Harry felt as though he was completely alone and that he had no one to turn to; no one to listen to him and give him advice, no one to include him in the Order discussions and give him information which had been deemed unsuitable for him.
And it was entirely his fault.
Sirius had died before Harry had a chance to ask him what he had meant by calling Harry 'James' and that was probably the worst thing that could happen as Harry then doubted whether Sirius loved him for being 'Just Harry' or whether it was because he was James' son. An emotional scar that would never quite heal was created that night and it would lead to a lot of pain on Harry's part.
It was in the early hours of the morning that one Harry Potter; the Boy-Who-Lived, saviour of the wizarding world, cried himself to sleep feeling the pain that was left by being mistaken as his father while he watched in his mind over and over again as his beloved godfather was hit by the same curse that had haunted his nightmares when he was younger and seeing his godfather's face change as he died and his body fell backwards into the unexplainable veil, wishing that things could have ended differently that night and knowing that said wish would never come true.
Just like all the others.
End.