To Lose My Life

I should never be allowed to think. That's what I always come back to.

Late nights often find me lying wide awake beside my angelically sleeping twin, eyes very open and staring off into inky blackness. My mind is given free reign and I start pondering everything. And recently I have found that 'everything' largely ends up at my own mortality. And Hikaru's, of course.

I wasn't always like this. I was always careless as a child – we both were – and even when we both grew up a little or even until just recently, I never thought about such grim things. We only ever considered the present; only things like this would be a fun stunt to pull, I wonder how heavy that vase is and Tamaki is overdue for some winding-up so let's get him while he's hosting. So I'm not entirely sure exactly when it was that I began to think so morbidly. Like I have explained, I rarely consider the future normally.

But now I feel like I can't escape from it – because I can't. I'm going to die one day. I'm going to be dead, and that thought is doubly frightening because that also goes for Hikaru, who has no idea of the thoughts that are currently swarming around my mind like ugly, antagonistic locusts.

I hate the idea of death. The complete lack of knowledge of what happens after we breathe our last breath feels like an immense, black, bottomless pit that we – and everyone we love – must one day fall into, whether we like it or not. Of course, some people jump, and sometimes I think I can see why: it would be easier – to a certain extent – to end everything now and just plunge into death, like diving into water of unknown depth and accepting that I will never resurface. It would be easier than living, with all its complications and thoughts like mine. I'd never do it though. First of all, I'd probably be physically unable to do it. The preservation instinct would be too great. And I'm not fond of pain. I could also never do it emotionally. That is, I could never leave everyone behind just like that, especially Hikaru: an entirely selfish wish to stay with those I love. But it would also be selfish to die first. This might sound somewhat odd, but I sort of hope that Hikaru will be the first of the two of us to die. That way he would never have to deal with the grief of losing me and I could shoulder it instead. No problem, right?

I turn onto my side, reaching out one hand and very lightly placing my fingers in Hikaru's palm because I don't want him to wake up but I need something to ground me. His fingers twitch very slightly around my hand on instinct and I think to myself that if he did die first I would probably have to simply jump off the nearest building. Because I think what scares me most about death is the alternatives. I could lose my life or lose my love and the situation is like a nightmare I've been running from that will always catch me up on nights like this.

Normally I banish these thoughts by going downstairs into the kitchen and getting some kind of snack, usually dry cereal out of the packet. I take a few handfuls and chase them down with milk straight from the carton. The sound of the crunching and the feel of the milk running down my throat normally distracts me from my thoughts enough that I can get back upstairs and fall asleep, but not always. Tonight I don't even think I can get up and go downstairs. So I lie here and continue to think, even though I don't want to and have ascertained that I really, really shouldn't.

I don't believe in God. I don't think so anyway. It would be a nice luxury, belief in God. But – unlike all our high-tech electronics and fancy food – it's not one which can be bought. I would like to have that comfort and believe in some kind of afterlife, but I don't think I can do it. It just doesn't make sense to me to believe in something so ambiguous. But there's a part of me that still believes that my soul exists and that I will have something after my heart stops beating. But I suppose that it's is just human nature to continue to hope like this, beyond rationality, because when I think about the alternatives...

I suddenly feel a twinge in my stomach and a desperate fear flows through my blood. I can almost feel it in my veins: a poisonous black fear that worms about under my skin and makes me clutch suddenly at Hikaru's hand.

I feel him shifting and my eyes go to his face as he opens his eyes and looks at me.

"Kaoru..." he murmurs sleepily, clearly wanting to go back to sleep. "What is it?"

I stare at him, saying nothing, until he finally yawns, closing his eyes again. "Well let me know if you find your tongue."

"Hikaru..." My voice is quiet and I squeeze his hand again. "Hikaru, I'm going to die someday."

He yawns again. "I'll alert the media."

I poke him in the shoulder with one finger and he opens his eyes again, looking sleepily irritated.

"Kaoru..."

"I'm serious, Hikaru! We're going to die someday... One of us will die before the other and then the other will be alone..." My voice drops on the last word and I can feel myself shaking. I swallow and add, "I don't want to lose you but I couldn't bear you being alone."

Hikaru lies very still for a moment and I know he is taking it in. Then I feel him shifting and his arms reach for me. I shuffle across the foot or so of space between us and huddle my face into his chest. His warm skin and familiar smell is comforting and I hear him whisper, "Here... let me hold you in my arms a while."

I feel the fear recede very slightly and reach out my hands, putting my arms around his waist. Hikaru's face burrows into my hair and his breath tickles my ear as I hear him muttering something.

"I'll make you a deal," he says, his tone soothing. "We'll always stay together... Let's grow old together and die at the same time. We'll never be without each other and I'll always be here for you. Always."

I smile shakily and pull closer to him. "Deal." My heart is faint, even now, but at least I feel a little better and I know Hikaru is not going anywhere. I shift a little and leave a kiss on Hikaru's cheek.

"Thank you."

Beanie: So... Kaoru gets distracted from his thoughts by 'milk' running down his throat, hmm?

Bella: Yep, I think that would provide a pretty good distraction. Not that I realised it at the time I was writing it though.

Beanie: You can count on me to spot these things. So, this time I set Bella the task of writing a fic based on the White Lies song 'To Lose my Life'.

Bella: Yep, and it took me ages to come up with anything, because neither the lyrics nor the video (which is really random and irrelevant by the way) were speaking to me. Beanie: Aww, but you got there in the end, ne? The bold bits are the song lyrics for those that hadn't guessed.

Bella: Yes, and I had to include at least four. I was starting to panic at one point, but I think it went well enough.

Beanie: It's lovely! Hope everyone enjoyed reading this as much as I did and we don't own Ouran or the Hitachiin twins although they are gorgeous, hot, sexy, beautiful, alluring, enticing, good looking... I could go on.

Bella: She really could.