Hey guys! This 'fanfiction' of sorts is really, as the title suggests to poke fun at everything wrong with fanfiction these days. Yes, it'll be controversial for those of you in denial with your freak-like fangirl behavior, and I'll probably get hate mail.. But here it is. Below is a list of subjects covered!

Twincest

Incest

Self-Inserts

Mary Sue's

Self-Insert Mary Sue's

Slash

Stupid pairings

bringing dead characters back to life

Teens & Teachers having relationships

Mpreg (Male pregnancy without any real science)
Characters who are the unknown child of a childless character (See Mary Sue)

Magical Superpowers far superior then others (See Mary Sue)

Out of character canon characters

Retarded descriptions ('She had emerald orbs for eyes, and ebony raven hair)
Mixing generations (Making children the same age as their parents, screwing with time.)

Bashing a character and changing their life purely because you don't like them

And so, so much more. Enjoy!

It was a climatic, dark and stormy night as Shelby descended upon Hogwarts clad in red rimmed silver, magical armor that was said to be crafted from the toenails of giants and therefore protected her from all blades, causing her to be physically invincible. She was riding on a large, snow white griffin with a glossy, curved and perfectly trimmed black beak paired with matching talons, and blood read ruby eyes. The eerie wind whipped her hair around which was strangely not encased in a helmet, because the world should see such beauty and it was not able to be contained. She had almond shaped, Sapphire blue eyes and long, luscious chestnut curls which fell to her well endowed chest. She was slim, due to her fantastic metabolism and the moonlight accentuated all of her beautiful body.

Without so much a touch or a word, the Griffin obediently and magically came to a stop on the watchtower where Dumbledore had fallen, but it was okay because he was recovering in St. Mungo's in London. She slid herself from her saddle and ran her fingertips over the silky smooth, perfectly groomed feathers of her Griffin and kissed his beak - he made a small sound in the back of his throat, that was more affection then 'Get the hell out of my face'.

With her red and silver cape over her shoulders, she ditched the Griffin who would never again appear in her story - and descended down the dark and spooky curving passageways. About halfway down, she felt a steely cold hand on her shoulder which caused her to react calmly, and do nothing. Instead, she turned around very dramatically and let out a gasp. "Draco!" She said - reaching out a tender, soft hand to stroke her school-aged lovers face, which was surprising because she had fought many battles with those hands ungloved. He lent against her palm and reached out to kiss her plump, soft rose-petal lips. "Oh Shelby." He moaned, pushing her back against a wall.

"Take me now, Draco!" She cried out, and so - he removed his pants and sweater for he wore no robe, because he was like most of the other Draco's in fanfictions. Shelby's armor was not a problem for much longer for it had left the authors mind a long time ago because when she was writing a sex scene, the brain of a fan-girl would take over and character descriptions meant nothing, except for his. Now she was wearing a simple dress with her cape. He unzipped the dress and dropped it to the floor - and began to kiss and bite her neck. It wasn't long before he had himself inside of her goddess like body, his chiseled abs pushed against her tattooed stomach. As he finished thrusting like a good-lover inside of her, he pulled himself out and re-clothed himself, and his lover and kissed her firmly, in a way that lacked a certain air of canon .. ness.

"Why have you returned?" He asked, following her down the staircase. "Oh, because Professor Snape asked for me to return to assist with his and Lily Potter's wedding.." she answered happily, skipping the stairs three by three.

"Ooh. I love weddings, I hope i get to be a best man.. with Harry!" He exclaimed excitedly, prancing around like a moron without missing a step and falling, for Draco was far too perfect to fall!

Chapter 1 is over.. if you guys review and tell me to keep poking fun, i shall xD