A Moment Of Silence

by aRooZa

Kaidan/Ashley. A one-shot. Location: Virmire. Being teamed up with the Salarians might sound like a death sentence, but Kaidan knows he has to do this - for her.

Title: A Moment Of Silence

Author: aRooZa

Rating: T

Word Count: 4.164

Characters/Pairings: Kaidan/Ashley, Ensemble

Timeline: During the mission on Virmire.

Summary: Virmire - (Male) Shepard sends Kaidan with the Salarians. Kaidan's POV. Be prepared for a slight twist.

This is my first fan fic and a one-shot. A big thank you goes to my beta reader. :) Remaining errors are mine.

Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all here portrayed characters belong to their respective owners - not me. Deviations from the originals are mine.

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"Why is it that whenever someone says "with all due respect" they really mean "kiss my ass"?"

A small frown wrinkled her forehead, her lips were pursed, her eyes were sparkling fiercely. The way they usually did when she felt ignored - which was no rare occasion. Not because she was a self-centered, egotistic person. She was just passionate. And she cared. A lot.

This time her anger was directed at him, but despite that and the fact that she'd just tried to volunteer for a team that would go on a mission where the odds of survival where low, he smiled. He had volunteered first, but she objected. He knew he couldn't pride himself on that. She would do it for any of her friends. She was a martyr. Like Jeanne D'Arc, always fighting for what she believed in. But the passion was what he liked most about her. What he loved about her.

"Alenko, you're with the Captain. Keep it simple, understood?"

"Aye aye, Commander." Oddly, Shepard's order was a relief. Ash would join team Shadow, she would go with the Commander, set the nuke that would blast this whole damn facility to hell and back and would get out of here. Safe.

Shepard turned to face them both. There were traces of remorse in his eyes. Times were hard, reliable friends were scarce and their time on the Normandy had made them close allies. Sending one of them on a probable suicide mission.. In a way Kaidan was glad not to be in Shepard's shoes. If he were lucky he would get away with a few scrapes and burns.. or save their asses and die a hero. There would be nothing left to pin the medal to though. A shiver ran down his spine but he ignored it.

"Don't do anything foolish while I'm gone, Ash. And that goes for you, too, Commander."

"We'll be fine, LT."

He gave her a lopsided grin. "Yeah, I just..." he couldn't. It was too late. "Good luck."

Ashley smiled. "Don't worry so much. We'll see you on the other side."

"I know, I.. just wanted to say that it's been an honor serving with you."

She set out to say something but he just turned and walked away. He couldn't do this right now.

He dropped gear and helmet in the sand and strode away from the camp to collect himself, for the battle. Just because their chance of survival was low, at best, didn't mean he should abandon all hope right away. It was a worst-case scenario, but it was his damn job. A whole Salarian battalion would rely on him. Shepard would rely on him. Ash would rely on him.

If there was one reason to go in there, giving 200%, it was Ash. Proud, strong, beautiful.. blind Ashley. He slumped down into the sand and buried his face in his hands. 25-year-old Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams had been the only survivor of her unit on Eden Prime when they had arrived there. From the first moment he had laid eyes on her, standing there between ruins and corpses in her battered uniform, with her head held high and determined to repay everything that had been done to her people, he had been lost. But being the cautious and self-controlled man that he was he didn't stand a chance against Shepard, who had swept her off her feet in a manner that made Kaidan cringe.

It's not that Shepard was not a good guy. He was good-looking, charming, brave, smart.. a hero. The best that humanity had to offer. And he knew it. Women were drawn to him, circled him like moths a flame. And they got burned. With all the laws surrounding fraternization, rejection was easy because it was appropriate.

And Ash was all gooey eyed when she was around him. Damn it, she should know better than that!

Kaidan glanced back to the camp, where the Salarian soldiers were gathering slowly. He could see the rest of Normandy's crew waiting near the main building. Liara was with them, too. The young Asari scientist had been Shepard's last "moth". It had been even more difficult for her to cope with that, as a stranger to human customs. She had accepted Shepard's rejection with grace but Kaidan could feel her pain. Still. She was a kindred soul. The only difference was that she had been brave enough to confess her feelings.

Even if he had told Ash how he felt, how he would gladly die for her today, any day, it wouldn't have changed a thing. Not for her anyway. She would never be anything more than a good friend.

He reached out and used his biotic powers to grab a shell. Wrapped in iridescent blue lights it hovered just a few inches above the turquoise water surface. Peaceful. Oblivious to the fact that it would be ashes in not a days' time. As it disappeared into the sea Kaidan took a deep breath. If he would walk out of this alive, he'd tell her.

Just half an hour later they were in their gear and ready to go. After Captain Kirrahe's emotional speech everyone, including Wrex the Krogan, was pumped up. Kaidan looked over the squad of Salarian soldiers that had been assigned to him. He would command team Aegohr and together with teams Mannovai and Jaeto they would be acting as a distraction for the Geth so Shadow could sneak in through the back, disable one of the two AA guns and the Normandy would fly in the nuke next to the geothermal taps. In short, they were cannon fodder.

The Salarians faces were determined and calm. They knew what they would be up against but they weren't ready to die either. And he would make sure they'd get a choice.

The sun was high in the sky when they gathered to set out for their so very different targets. Kaidan blinked and cursed when a sharp pain shot through his skull.

Come on, not now.

His biotic L2 implant was working against him again. Usually, the good thing about having a migraine attack during a life or death situation was, that it only made him angrier. Enemies turned into blue glowing balloons or twitching puppets in an instant. It was easy, just cutting loose. But there were only allies around now so he converted his rage into concentration.. focusing on the task, the mission.

Get in, try not to get shot right away... Make sure the Geth keep away from Ash..

"If I didn't know you're actually a wuss I would be scared shitless by that stare."

He couldn't help but grin.

"That's my 'I eat Geth for breakfast' face. You think it'll work?"

Now it was her turn to smile.

"We're gonna make them bleed, LT. They're not taking is down."

"I know, Ash. I got your back"

"Promise me something?"

Promise her? "What?"

"Just.." she didn't get to say what was on her mind. The time was up.

"Williams, we're heading out!"

"Aye aye, Commander!" she turned one last time, placing her hand on his arm. "We'll be fine." And she was gone.

You'll be fine. I'll make sure. And if it's the last thing I do.

[Shadow is on the ground. Repeat: Shadow is on the ground! Lt. Alenko with Aegohr team, Mannovai, Jaeto team - Move!] Captain Kirrahe's voice rang clear over the COMM.

All three Salarian teams headed out to disrupt the Geth forces guarding Saren's base. The synthetics had units that were able to fly and crawl on walls and ceilings, they could jump on the roof of a three-story house. They were fast, they were versatile, they were ruthless, they were deadly. And here they were thinking they could stop them with a handful of desperate Salarian castaways and an impromptu nuke.

Kaidan took his team through the ankle deep crystal clear water towards one of the main entrances into the facility. Geth troops were already crawling all over the place.

Great. And we're supposed to draw more of them out?

He signaled his men to seek cover behind the rocks when they were spotted by a Geth Hopper. When the frog like creature attempted to jump behind their defenses Kaidan reached out with his biotic powers and threw the Geth back into enemy lines. The momentary confusion was their chance to breach, so they started running, taking down everyone in their way. It felt like an eternity but the whole attack was over in a matter of minutes.

[Something scrambled the targeting. We got a shot! Lt. Alenko, take the heat off Mannovai!]

Obviously they were the first squad to reach the platform leading up to the AA tower. Thanks to Shepard and his team Geth communications were jammed and backup was slow, so Kaidan ordered his team to spread out while Mannovai came in from the South. Salarian snipers took out Hoppers and Troopers while Kaidan took care of the Destroyer, that towered 11 foot above the ground but didn't stand a chance against a full biotic lift. The Salarians had time to riddle its armor while it floated around defenseless.

Soulless bastard!

Kaidan's powers were sizzling across his skin. He was charged, vibrating, no one would hold him back now. Enemies were falling all around them while Shepard's team came closer and closer to planting the bomb. It was an almost hopeful scenario.

We might actually live through this..

[They're calling for SAT strikes! Jaeto, watch out for COMM stations! Alenko, can you see anything?]

"GETH FLYERS!"

Maybe not.

The rocket drones were on them in an instant, herding the Salarians together like sheep.

"Stop running! Take cover dammit!" Kaidan yelled into the COMM but it was too late. They were already taking heavy casualties.

Shit shit shit "Take cover! The Geth's shields!" He dove behind one of the Geth's energy curtains, dragging one of the soldiers with him, just as the world around them turned into an inferno of bright light, flames and heat. His shield took the worst of it but he could still smell the burning fabric of his suit. He turned on his back and started shooting. One, two flyers tumbled to the ground and shattered and he could see soldiers all around imitating him. Soon the drone's lines were thinning out until finally, they were gone.

"Aircraft heading to perimeter station to recharge. Bunker up before they come back."

Cheers erupted throughout the COMM when they got word that Shadow had put a stop to the Geth drone's reinforcements.

But there was no time to breathe. They had to keep moving. Every time Shepard drew some of the attention from them they ran, literally. Just to end up facing another army of Geth. And Krogan. But his men didn't falter. They had lost three soldiers during the drone attack but the remaining Salarians fought twice as hard now.

[Give a little ground, Lieutenant Alenko. We don't want them to bunker down. Draw them out.]

"Aye, Captain."

They were so close now. The AA tower loomed over them like a harbinger of the thunderstorm that was closing in from the sea. Almost touching the clouds with its two massive guns. It was heavily guarded, but they had to take it out if they wanted to assure the Normandy's safety.

[The Geth are turning! Shadow must be getting close! Jaeto, circle around, keep them here, keep them...!] Capt. Kirrahe's voice was distorted.

Crap. "Keep them busy!" Kaidan ordered his men and used his Biotics to create warp fields amidst the Geth. The disarray spread fast, causing the enemies forces to slow down. Just moments later they got positive feedback from Shadow. AA tower one was down.

[Good work on that gun Commander. We have the other one in our sights.]

Kaidan started counting his men. One more down. He could hear the other teams in the distance. "What's your status, Captain?"

[We got it under control.]

Now or never. "Alright. I'm going in, Captain."

[Affirmative.]

With his men in tow Kaidan stormed the tower's defenses. Thankfully Shadow had disabled the base' alarms, so they went unnoticed until they started shooting. They lost two more men to the volley but they got through. Securing the entrance with a biotic barrier Kaidan pointed out the crucial targets so the men could place the charges.

"Charges are ready, Captain."

[Charges set. Everyone bunker down!]

The explosion tore one of the two guns to shreds and seriously damaged the second one. This tower would never shoot again.

Kaidan exhaled. His head was pounding and he figured that he'd forgotten to breathe while holding up the barrier.

[Bomb is in position. We're all set here.]

God, it was so good to hear her voice. He was just about to signal his mean to retreat and meet up with the other teams when a Geth troop ship appeared over their heads and started dropping swarms of Geth. Cursing loudly Kaidan threw himself behind a piece of the wreckage. "Take cover! Don't let them get too close! Snipers!" But it was already too late. The Geth were all over them in an instant and the Salarians had to fight with their bare hands while Kaidan send one by one flying over the edge. This was bad. Very bad.

"Commander, can you read me?"

[The nuke is almost ready. Get to the rendezvous point Alenko!]

Kaidan ducked under a volley of armor piercing rounds and pounded his COMM. "Negative, Commander! The Geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We'll never make the rendezvous point in time!"

He could almost hear Shepard grinding his teeth. [Get them out of there now, Joker!]

Who was he kidding? "Negative, it's too hot! Can't risk it. We'll hold them off as long as w.." A blast from a nearby explosion sent him skidding towards the edge of the platform. He struggled to his feet, alternately shooting and warping at the attackers. Almost half of his team was down. He could hear the Captain barking orders but most of it got lost on the way.

Should I just order them to save themselves while they still can?

He hauled another trooper over the edge when a huge shadow darkened the sky. It was Saren's ship accompanied by another drop ship, but they were not heading their way.

He prayed his COMM was still working. "Heads up, Williams! We just spotted a troop ship headed your location!"

[It's already here and it's bleeding Geth all over the bombsite!]

Damn it. Ash.

[Can you hold them off?] Shepard wasn't with her anymore. Where the hell was he?

[There's too many!] She was yelling now. [I don't think we can hold them! I'm activating the nuke!]

[What the hell are you doing, Williams?]

[Making sure the bomb goes off no matter what. Go get the Lieutenant and get outta her!]

Kaidan gasped. That was out of the question. "We can handle ourselves! Go back and get Williams!" He clenched his fists so hard it hurt, praying Shepard would make the right choice. How could he dare leaving her behind like that?

There was a painfully long moment of silence.

[Tell Joker to meet me at the bombsite.]

[Ye... yes, Commander.] She sounded devastated. But Kaidan closed his eyes and smiled.

[I'm sorry. I had to make a choice.]

"I understand, Commander. I don't regret a thing." So this was goodbye. There was no way out now. The Normandy would leave without them.

All around him his men were dying.

[Lt. Alenko..Aegohr team..] It was Kirrahe. Hopefully on his way to the rendezvous point. [Thank you.]

Kaidan gave a quiet salute but didn't answer. He just glanced over the handful of men that were left standing with him. They all had heard the communication and their faces echoed how he felt inside. It was a victory. They couldn't just sit here and die, they had to grit their teeth and fight. One last time.

With a loud thud a Geth armature was deployed right in the middle of the platform, sending the Salarians running for cover. Kaidan focused on his breathing. Felt the air brush his lips. Once. Twice..

Don't start counting yet.

"Soldier, do you still have a grenade left?"

The Salarian cowering next to him held up a small gray container. "One." he mouthed.

Kaidan nodded. His vision was getting kind of blurry and he thought he could feel a slow trickle of blood from his nose, but he got up and focused all his Biotics on the machine, whose single cold visor zoomed in on him immediately.

"You're not the one, bastard." he growled and willed the machine to stop moving. A slow smile crept across his face as the armature froze in place. Now he could definitely feel blood seeping out of his ears.

So it will finally kill me.

"Now." was his only command and the Salarian understood. He shouldered the grenade launcher, aimed and hit the Walker right beneath his head armor. Kaidan sent a last full Biotic kick at the machine, pushing it over the edge. Then he dropped to his knees. The explosion was just a faint thud in his ears. Then it was quiet.

"Save yourself." he whispered and his legs gave way beneath him. He didn't feel the impact, just raindrops suddenly prickling on his face.

Hopefully this will kill me before the bomb does.. Why doesn't life flash before my eyes?

That's when he heard the low noise in his ear. The COMM?

[LT!] *crackle* [Lieutenant Alenko!]

Hallucinations. Interesting.

[LT!.. Kaidan!]

Ash. He smiled. This must be it. The end.

[Please tell me you're still out there..]

Wait.. "Ash?" his voice was just a hoarse whisper.

[LT! Thank God! Where are you?]

"I.. don't know.. heaven probably. I can hear angels."

[They hit you on the head somehow?]

He laughed. She would never change. Wait.. Ouch. That hurt. Why does it hurt when I'm dead? His head snapped up.

"Ash.. Where are you?"

[I'm safe, LT. Thanks to you.]

"Good." He let his head drop back onto the cool surface.

[Listen to me. You have to get out of there. Right now!]

He chuckled. Stupid. "How long until the bomb goes off?"

[2 minutes.]

"I think I'll just lie her and wait then."

[For God's sake, snap out of it! Get your ass up and get into the water!]

"The water? Want me to boil to death?"

[Are you still up on the tower?]

"I think so."

[So jump! You have to dive! Your suit will protect you from the pressure, the heat and the radiation once you're out!... Kaidan?]

"Mmh? Sorry, I'm getting kinda tired here." Really, he could hardly keep his eyes open. And when did she start calling him by his real name?

[Stop talking crap and get up, dammit! NOW! Don't make me come down there!]

He chuckled again. She could be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

[Stay with me! Please!]

"I will always be with you, Ash." he muttered, smiling to himself.

[Kaidan..] She was pleading now. Why was she pleading?

"Don't be sad, Ash. You'll be fine."

[But you won't if you keep lying there.. Get up. Please.]

Kaidan sighed. "I'm dying here, Ash. And it's wonderful. I get to say all the things I never said. Like.. did you know that I love you? I always have. With all my heart and soul. It eats me up inside, but I savor it at the same time. I know. I'm a masochist. And you know what? I'm so glad you're safe and that it's because of me. Because then I get to die for you and my life will finally have a purpose. You gave me purpose, Ash and I thank you for that." He had to concentrate really hard to keep his voice from slurring.

She didn't answer. Did he just hear her sob?

"Don't cry." He imagined he could hold her, comfort her. That's when the sirens began to howl. The countdown had begun.

[Listen. You're going to get up now. Go to the edge and jump.]

"Ah Ash.." Why did she even bother?

[Kaidan..] She was definitely sobbing now. [Dammit. Don't leave me!]

"I'm not going anywhere." There were only moments left. He could hear something shatter over the COMM. "You know they will make you pay for whatever you just broke."

She laughed, but it sounded painful. [LT...Get up. Go to the edge and jump. There's still time! You will live, Kaidan. You will live.. I need you to live!]

"You need me?" Maybe she was just a hallucination after all.

[I.. I do.]

The siren was blaring in the distance while Kaidan marveled at the thought of her needing him. If he could frame her words and put them on a wall, he would do it right now. It was a very unreal situation. What was he supposed to do now? He was ready to die. He had never been more calm in his life. He was prepared. No regrets..

[Kaidan..] Her voice was only a whisper now but it broke through his conscience. [You're not gonna die for me. Or for anyone else. Understand?]

"I.."

[We need you alive, Kaidan. I need you alive. That's your purpose. Live. For me!]

The siren's rhythm accelerated. Like his heartbeat.

What the hell was happening? Was this real? All his senses were wrapped in cotton somehow. He tried moving but he couldn't feel his legs. He slowly opened his eyes and raised his hands. Blue lightning was dancing around his fingers.

Okay.. One last time.

A low whirring sound rose from the bombsite.

[KAIDAN!]

There was only silence.

- - - -

The bomb went off with a glistening flash of light, swallowing the facility and all its immediate surroundings in an instant while the Normandy was quietly drifting off into space.

Ashley Williams just stood there. Here hands clenched around the COMM station until her knuckles were white, her gaze fixed on the screen, her breath caught in her throat.

"Joker?"

The Normandy's pilot shook his head slowly. "I'm sorry. I got nothing."

She let her breath escape in a sob. Her shoulders were shaking as she hunched over the console, clinging to herself, suddenly feeling nauseous. The dust clouds were settling over Virmire but she wouldn't dare look.

"How could we just leave him down there?" she whispered.

"Ash.." Shepard stepped beside her to comfort her, but she pushed him away and spun around, glaring at him.

"How could we?" she clenched her fists and released them again just to stare at them with hollow eyes. "It's my fault. I killed him."

"No one is to blame, Ash." Shepard said. "Kaidan was a soldier. He knew.."

"Yeah. He knew. And he didn't." Her voice was calm now, but her hands were still shaking. "He never knew." She returned to the console, staring at the broken pieces of the display she had smashed. Right now she wished she could just lie down on the floor and never get up again. The regret was weighing her down until she could hardly breath. It was almost too much to bear.

She never told him. She didn't even use her last chance to tell him. Now he would never know. How much she had started hating the Alliance Navy when she met him for the first time. Because she knew she would be close to him, would probably become his friend, but could never be anything more. How much she had loved Shepard for sending her on all these missions with him. How much she had enjoyed spending time with him, no matter where or when, until she could barely stand being without him. How it literally broke her heart to see him walk away with the Salarians. How she had wanted to just lie down there beside him. How much she wished she could take his place now..

He had told her that he loved her and she had been silent.

She took a few steps and started beating the wall of the bridge again and again until her hand was all bloody.

"Ash.." Shepard stopped her, gently, so he wouldn't hurt her. "Maybe you should go see Doctor Chakwas."

She looked down on her hand. Surprisingly she didn't feel any pain. "I'm alright."

"No." he shook his head. "Please."

"Yeah, Ash. She didn't do anything to you." Joker added sympathetically, patting the Normandy's helm console.

She just glared at him and turned to walk away when Joker suddenly started.

"I'm getting something here." he stared at the readings on the screen for a moment and then put on his headset. "An Alliance distress call. From the surface." he turned to look at her and a smile lit up his face. He activated the COMM. "You might wanna hear this..."

~ Fin ~