BURNED OUT.
This story is written in first person, from Yaten's point of view, exploring what I think his thoughts may have been during Stars episode 192. This story contains massive spoilers for that episode, as well as a lot of Yaten/Minako interaction so anyone who doesn't want to be 'spoiled' or doesn't like Y/M, don't read the story. Also, the story contains one or two scenes that weren't in the episode. Just things that I thought might have happened, given the circumstances. In the story, any dialogue is in inverted commas "like this", any specific thoughts of Yaten's are in square brackets [like this]. Everything else is the general flow of his thoughts and emotions and such.
This story uses the premise from Jen Wand-san's fanfic "Yaten's Love Song" that Yaten is an empath and can sense emotions and such, in addition to the established ability of sensing the death/taking of starseeds.
Japanese words: "Hai" means "yes". "Iie" means "no".
Rated [PG] to [PG-13] for a few mild curse words like "damn" and "hell".
*********************************
Ginga TV. Here it is, the place where the audition is being held. Why did I have to be chosen to be the judge representing the Three Lights? Why couldn't Seiya or Taiki have done it?
"Oh, God." Not another round of screaming girls. At least they went past me and chased after someone else for once. I don't think I can take these idiotic Earth teenagers much longer. If I get ONE more love letter, I'm going to return it to sender, along with a nice burning Star Sensitive Inferno. How can they say they're in love with me when they don't even know the person they're so infatuated with? Can't they tell the difference between admiration, and true love and devotion? Apparently not. How dare they casually toss around a meaningful word like love as if it's a cheap item to be sold to the newest bidder?
It's hard to believe they're as old as I am, sometimes. I suppose maybe because no matter how young my body may be, my mind feels old and weary. I have a constant headache from so many minds; so many thoughts buzzing round my head. These Earth people have such loud minds, and absolutely no individual mental shields at all. When we first got here, I was in shock for almost a day, trying to build up strong enough mental walls to hold out the battalion of alien emotion. Hmph. Sounds like a line from one of Taiki's poems. And now I have to pretend that I'm like them, with no cares or worries beyond simultaneously being a student and teenage idol -- ha! That's what they think. But it's in order to find our Princess. And anything is worth that. Even being buffeted by the jostles and shouts and emotions of a pack of stupid --
Huh?
What is *she* doing here?
"What are you doing here?"
"What are *you* doing here, Yaten-kun? You're not participating in the audition, are you?"
Kami-sama, what a stupid question! "Come this way," I snap at her, grabbing her wrist tightly, ignoring her protests of "Hey, wait! Let me go!"
[I knew bad things happen to us because of you lot, like Seiya's injury because he's too obsessed with Tsukino Usagi for his own good... but this planet is under attack! I've seen you fight, and now... this? Despite the disagreements between your group and ours, I thought better of you...]
This room is empty; I can talk freely here. Letting go of her wrist, I turn and look at her -- she seems to shrivel a little, and shrinks back against the wall. It just makes me angrier. Why am I so angry? We told them. This planet was theirs to defend, not ours -- their business, not ours. Why am I so angry with her?
[I wanted to think better of you...]
Quickly, I shove the intrusive thought down, lock it away with its accompanying emotion into the tightly sealed place in my chest that I never let loose. My hand slams into the wall a few inches from her face, the side of my hand being brushed for a moment by soft hair. [Push that away too, Yaten.] I want an explanation, dammit! I bring my other hand up close to her face, clenched into a fist to stop myself from grabbing her and shaking some sense into her.
"Is it all right for you to be here?"
I can tell by the uncomprehending look on her face that she doesn't understand. Dear heavens, she can't be THAT stupid!
"Does everyone know?" Do your fellow senshi know what you've done, to come here?
"Yes, they do," she whispers. "They told me to come."
"What?" Stunned is the only word that can describe how I feel. "Did you think about the situation you're in?" Flashbacks come back to me and sicken me to the core... Galaxia's attack on Kinmokusei. The screams, the terror, the wild mobs trying to escape their already sealed doom. The agony of the minds being ripped, having their starseed, their very essence, torn away... and then, worse. The awful silence in my head that rang as loudly as the screams it replaced. And another silence. And another...
I can't stand it. I can't look at that confused, wondering face, can't bear to look into the shining blue eyes that don't know, can never know. Whirling around, I hit the wall with both my hands, trying to push away those awful memories. They won't help now. The horror, compassion, grief I felt for those poor souls... none of that will help them now, either.
I ran away. Yes, I left to look for the Princess... I left to stay with my fellow Starlights... but I also ran away from those shrieking souls whom I could not heal. Sailor Star Healer; what a cosmic joke. I couldn't do anything for them. Not even share their suffering and their final moments as a healer should. I ran away because I couldn't stand feeling the screams become silence anymore.
I was glad our princess had left. I was glad when Taiki decided that saving Kinmoku was a lost cause and persuaded Seiya to follow the Princess. Seiya would go anywhere for Kakyuu... until Sailor Moon came, that is.
Still fighting the nausea, I fling a bitter demand over my shoulder. "Don't you care what happens to your planet?"
"I know." Such a soft voice... a voice which knows nothing, despite what she says. She doesn't know why I'm acting like this, but I can sense her pity for me. Anger floods me again. [Never pity me! I don't want to be pitied! I want to amend my failure and find our Princess, understand?]
"If you care, why are you here?!" My heart and head are aching so, and I turn my rage on the nearest target. Her. Her and her stupid costume that she's wearing for this stupid audition and her basket with her damn cat in it and everything about her!
"Because--"
Oh no. I'm not letting that through. No excuses. No allowances. People only accept excuses and allowances from people that matter to them, and she doesn't matter to me. Nothing except finding the princess and rebuilding our planet will ever matter to me. Nothing.
But I'm still angry, and damned if I'm not going to let her know what I think of her attitude towards her own planet.
"You girls astonish me! You're all trash!" [Do you want to wind up a failure as a senshi, betraying those you're sworn to protect, Sailor Venus? Do you want to wind up just like me? If not, pay attention to me, even if you hate me for it!]
Not that I care if she does, of course.
Striding away, I wonder where I can get a drink of water. I need to calm my screaming nerves and churning stomach... need to rinse my mouth clean again.
"Wait!" An indignant shout behind me. I knew she'd hate me, but right now that's not as important as getting it into her head that she has a planet to save from the plague of Galaxia's hand. And I have the role of an idol to play, so that I can find a princess. How stupid it all is.
"This is my dream!"
"What?" Surprised, I turn around to see her staring me right in the eyes, that basket in her hand. And for a moment, the silliness of the costume fades under the determination radiating from her.
"To... to realise your dream is important!" she snaps at me, defiantly.
"Do you think your dream is more important than your duty as a soldier?" I counter. [Minako no baka! Do you think Galaxia will wait for you to fulfil your pretty fantasy before she strikes and turns this planet into another crumbling, dying hell?]
I see her mouth curl in exasperation at that, but before she can reply, a voice comes from the door.
"Yaten-san, it's almost time to begin."
"Hai," I sigh, suddenly bone-tired. It's no use. They won't listen; they're just going to continue with their heads in the sand until it's too late, refusing to believe it could happen to them.
[Just as we did.]
And why does it bother me so? I don't care about them. I've said over and over that I don't.
*********************************
I walk in silence in the hall. I can tell that the employee beside me wants to say something -- his mind is like a music player on full blast, with no volume control. I want to shout at him to shut up, but since he hasn't said a word it'd just confuse him, and wouldn't help at all.
"Yaten-san, I hate to be disrespectful, but I must ask you this according to the audition regulations."
Here it comes, whatever it is. At least his mind won't be so loud now. "Yes, what is it?"
"I must ask. That competitor... number five, correct?"
"Correct." I don't like the way his mind is turning, and I can't say why.
"You were speaking with her for an unknown length of time in a solitary room. Forgive me, but regulations state that I must ask. Did she attempt to bribe you in any way in order to change the judging balance in her favour?"
Now I know why I didn't like it. And now I like it even less.
"Yaten-san, I realise it may be embarrassing to talk about it if the bribes she offered were of... an intimate nature, but you must tell me so if she did. If she did so, then the regulations stipulate that she must be disqualified--"
"Iie!" He blinks, shocked by the vehemence of my reaction. Quickly, I try to calm myself; never an easy task. "She was... merely practicing her performance in that room, mistakenly believing that since the room was currently empty, she could use it for rehearsing. I was explaining to her that she was incorrect."
I'm not sure why I feel it so important to defend her all of a sudden, to make sure she stayed in the competition; wasn't I telling her moments before that she shouldn't be here? But it was me who dragged her into that room despite her protests, and I'll be damned if I was going to let her wear the stigma of making a repugnant offer she never did make, or bear the penalty for a situation that was my fault.
[I won't let anyone else pay the price of my actions again. Never again.]
He bows to me respectfully. "I apologise, Yaten-san. Please understand that that is part of my job here today."
"I understand." [I understand that any gods that may exist are conspiring to make my life a living hell, both in the important things and the small petty details.]
Aino Minako, you are definitely far more trouble than you're worth.
[Then why are you so worked up about something you say is not worth the trouble?]
[Shut up!] I yell inside my head. The last thing I need is to be confused now. I just have to get through this judging session, then I can go home, try to clear my mind and try to contact the princess through my thoughts. At this point, any plan is worth an attempt.
We complete the journey to the judging room in silence, and this time his mind is blessedly quieter.
*********************************
Sitting at the judges' panel, I warily scan the throng of overexcited girls. You don't have to be an empath to know what they're thinking -- a path to fame, fortune and adulation. They have no idea how much hard work goes into being an idol -- they just see what they want to see. And what they want to see is glitter and glamour.
Me? I just want to see the princess. We felt her energy earlier, she must be alive and close -- but where? Why hasn't she appeared? Is she trapped somewhere, perhaps, or injured or sick? Is that why she can't come to us? I can't tell. Dammit! I should be able to locate her, or at least narrow the search field! Why can't I find her? What use is an empath who can't sense the most important thing of all?
Seiya is the physical fighter and leader -- our heart. Taiki is the thinker, planner and strategist -- our brain. I'm supposed to be the empath, the watchman; our mind. And I have failed. I'm just... the third Starlight, the one who happens to hang around the other two. The one who has failed our soul. Failed our Princess.
Some stupid judge is late -- no, wait, someone's here to replace her. Suzu or some name like that. There's something odd about her that I can't quite put my finger on, but I shrug it off. I've got more important things to worry about.
Moroboshi-san is droning on about something in the background. Encouraging the competitors, telling them to relax, so on and so on. Whatever. Like it matters, anyway. This planet is going to be a dead world drifting in space if we can't find the Light of Hope soon.
And yet I can't help but keep my gaze fixed on Minako all through the initial introductions. Definitely a strange girl. She seems determined, yet very nervous. I probably shook her up pretty badly -- that was what I was trying to do, after all; make her realise her planet's situation.
So why do I feel guilty?
*********************************
Time to judge the singing. That part's easy enough: I've been a singer long enough to be a decent judge of the difference between good and mediocre; and more importantly, the difference between good and true excellence. The shine.
I hear the call for "number five, Aino Minako" and her reply "Hai!" She steps over to the microphone slowly -- probably gathering her nerves. Most of the girls have had stage fright at some point -- why should she be any different? For all her boasting of her idol performance abilities, she's every bit as nervous as any other competitor.
As I don my headphones, the compare instructs her, "Please start."
The music starts. She has her head turned to the side -- partly a theatrical touch, not to directly face the audience until you start singing; but partly, I'd say, to try to manage her jitters. Even from here, I can see she has her fists clenched tightly to try and stop her hands shaking.
A small part of me winces inwardly with guilt, but a failed audition is indeed a small price to pay if those soldiers can actually bring enough power to cripple Galaxia. There are certainly enough of them...
She's about to sing.
"As if being torn apart,
My heart is beating faster,
Our paths are being separated,
Is it by destiny?"
I can't help raising an eyebrow in surprise. If this is the best she can do, I'm surprised she reached the finals. Still, maybe she's better when she isn't nervous. But for now, I'm not impressed.
"You choose the white cross,
The future looms before you, so don't get lost!"
That's better... I can hear more emotion in the singing. Now, if she improves on that again...
"The ocean stretches wide,
The wind blows in this direction,
It may be a little cold,
But just keep running on!"
As she finishes the song and bows, leaving the stage, I pick up my scoresheet and pencil, thinking. Not the most technically skilled performance... and the beginning was terrible... but at the end she sang with her heart. Her enthusiasm and passion came shining through. I can't give her a poor mark for it, though strictly speaking, I should take many marks off for all the beginning errors.
But... I don't know.
I write two marks down on the sheet. One the strict, technical mark, the other a better mark that, while still being reasonably strict, takes her ability to convey her emotion into account. I'll decide later which one to give her.
*********************************
The dancing section. I groan inwardly. I never was much of a judge of dancing, but I can tell that compared to the others, Minako isn't doing well at all. [Her technique is adequate, but she's concentrating so hard on just performing the steps, she's not truly dancing. What happened to that spontaneous enthusiasm I saw earlier today?]
And why do I care? Why should I be judging her compared to others rather than judge each girl on their talent, or lack of thereof? Why do I keep looking at her rather than all the others?
Because I know what all the others want; why they're here, why they're doing it. Minako has every reason not to, and yet she is. Why?
"Ahh!"
A gasp escapes me involuntarily as I see another girl crash into Minako by accident -- they both fall hard. Distantly, I notice Moroboshi-san is also leaning forward, looking worried.
[Is she all right? She could have hurt herself...]
I feel as if my gaze must be burning holes in her. I watch intently as she gets up on her knees, shakes her head to clear it, then leans over to the other girl. Its impossible to hear her voice over the music, but from her lip movements it's clear she asked if the other girl was all right.
Perversely, I feel proud. I share an impressed glance with Moroboshi-san. A lesser, more petty person would have lashed out at the girl for endangering their chances of winning. [Hell, I would have snapped at her, not because I cared about winning, but because of the fall. But not Minako.]
But by entering this concert, she's proven she doesn't care, or doesn't realise, the magnitude of the danger. Either way, she's not worthy of my respect or admiration. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I thinking like this?
She gets up and starts to dance again. And this time, she's dancing. Truly dancing. I can practically feel the glow of her shine through my skin. She's making the exact same movements, but the sheer joy that's powering those movements is enough to bring me almost out of my chair.
I know I'm staring at her like an open-mouthed idiot. And for a moment... I don't care.
I know I felt joy like that once, the memory of it is locked deep inside my heart.
I just wish it wasn't so long ago.
*********************************
"You may ask your questions," the compare announces to us, backing away from the line of girls on stage. I grip my microphone, determined to be the first one to ask questions. [You will not confuse me again today, Aino Minako.]
"Number five!"
She looks a bit startled, which surprises me a little. Surely she must have anticipated that I'd ask her at least one question. But she answers readily enough. "Hai!"
"Why did you apply for this audition?" [You said doing this was your dream... so tell me, Minako, exactly what is your dream?]
Not that I care much, of course.
I wait for a standard answer -- fame, fortune, excitement of idol life, whatever. I'm ready to hear anything she's likely to say.
"I want to give people dreams through song, dance and plays! Like the Three Lights!" she says, quietly but firmly.
I was ready for anything. Except that. Giving dreams? That's something we've never done -- at least not on purpose. I know we gave Misa-chan the confidence to fight to live, but not intentionally. We've been trying so hard to send our message through song, to reach our princess, that I never thought that others could get anything out of it other than ridiculous childish crushes.
"Do you understand what it means to be an idol?" [Do you understand what it is like, having no privacy? You already have your secret senshi identity. Do you understand what we learned the hard way while living here? Do you understand what it would be like, living a double lie?]
"Well..." she hesitates. I immediately swoop down on the weakness, pushing my point home.
"Do you have something else you have to consider before you pursue being an idol?" I glare at her, trying to send my thoughts through the strength of my stare. [You have a duty, Sailor Venus! Stop treating it like a plaything, or you'll end up planetless and without honour, like me.]
She lifts her head, spreading her arms out in a gesture of openness. "To realise my dream, I believe there's nothing to be done before or after!" she sings out, in a voice so confident I'm stunned.
I'm struck speechless by this. I can't believe I just heard that. What could she mean by such a strange statement? Did she mean she truly doesn't care about her duty, or that... that...
That perhaps her dream is what lets her be a senshi, what drives her to protect her world as strongly as duty and loyalty to her friends do? That her dream lets her not just perform as a senshi but... shine as one?
A hand on my shoulder startles me. It is Moroboshi-san, with a wry smile on his face.
"You lost, Yaten-kun. She shines all right! She has a strong will, too."
My chest tightens as that hits home. Hard. I look up at her one last time, literally glowing there on stage. I stare at her for a few seconds, before lowering my head and crossing out the harsher mark from my scoresheet.
[He is right. She shines.
And I... have lost.]
*********************************
In the distance, I can hear the contestants leaving. I hear their cheerful chatter to one another and can guess what they're saying to each other: the inevitable "So, how do you think you went?" But that's not important now. I need to speak with her.
"Hey."
She turns around from packing away her things, looking my straight in the eye, waiting for me to say whatever it is I have to say. And after I yelled at her -- she probably thinks I'm going to yell again. But I'm not, not this time.
"How can you push ahead?" [How did you keep that shine? How can you possibly keep it, even in times like these?]
"Because I want to respond to everyone's wish," she says, as if it were so simple. I'm taken aback.
"Everyone's?"
She smiles then, a smile of complete confidence in whatever she's about to say next. "Yes. Usagi told me 'Don't forget your dream because it's such a time!'"
['Because it's such a time'. It's vital to keep your dreams, your joy... your shine... when the times are so hard more than any other time.]
Picking up her cat and cradling him, she continues. "My dream is everyone's dream. Everyone's dream is my dream."
And you believe in your dream because 'Usagi told you'. Is there anyone who doesn't trust that girl? Who is she, that she, unlike me, truly does have the power to heal, can bewitch Seiya so easily and earn these girls' complete trust?
A bitter half-laugh escapes my lips as the final ironic realisation sets in. "We're allowed to dream of anything besides our duty as a soldier, right?"
We were so angry after Galaxia destroyed Kinmokusei, so desperate to find our princess, that we stopped thinking of anything but finding Princess Kakyuu -- and so we lost our dreams. Our joy. Our shine.
Light, by definition, is supposed to have a shine. We call ourselves the Starlights, or the Three Lights. Does it matter? It's still light. In both forms, we're emotionally exhausted, stressed and at the limit of our endurance. What's the Earth phrase for it? 'Burned out'? How appropriate. A burned out light source has no shine, and therefore no use, no value.
Minako is confused. As well she might be. Don't understand me, Aino Minako. Don't even try. It might destroy you and everything that you are.
I turn away, not wanting anyone to see my face. And not her. Especially not her. I don't care if she sees me angry or rude or impatient, but nobody sees me like this if I can help it, not even Taiki or Seiya.
But I'm still here, and still talking, my thoughts coming out of my mouth almost involuntarily.
"Have we lost the ability to do so?" It's possible Seiya may not have, but Taiki may very well have, and as for me...
"Yaten-kun?" Her gentle voice comes to my ears, but I just keep on talking.
"She's close by, but she hasn't appeared." My head bows in defeat as I finally admit it. "We think we're missing something." [I know *I'm* missing something.]
"You're not lacking anything!" Minako's agitated voice cuts through my reverie, and I stare at her in suprise, sensing the flare of emotion that's radiating from her eyes, her face.
"You all shine, Yaten-kun! You shine more than anyone else!"
Despite myself, I feel a small smile creep to my face, as that tightly sealed place inside my heart becomes warm, if only for a brief moment. Even if I don't know if it's true... it's nice that someone who knows me as well as just about anyone ever will on this planet thinks so.
*********************************
I can't help but sigh as I watch Sailor Moon and Venus jump around, desperately trying to avoid the phage's attacks. When will they learn to attack and disable the phage *before* they get attacked themselves? Or better yet, to have attacked those two of Galaxia's servants? What did the tall one call the short one, Nyanko? That was an opportunity missed.
"I can't wait for them. Oh, dear." Now I'm going to have to handle it, I suppose. We Starlights have a lot of forced experience in fighting phages. They may have a shine... but at least we're efficient.
"Healer Star Power, Make Up!"
The henshin process is something that you can never describe unless you've been through one. In other words, if you're not a senshi, it can't be explained to you, and if you ARE a senshi, you don't need it to be explained. Oh well.
Quickly summoning my power, I attacked.
"Star Sensitive Inferno!"
I watch in satisfaction as the energy crackles over the phage as it yells, temporarily disabled. Venus quickly follows up with her own attack, and this time the phage is down. I'm impressed.
[It seems we work well in a team, Venus. But I'm not admitting that to anyone. Not even,] I acknowledge wryly, [to myself.]
"Sailor Moon! Now!" she cries out.
Bringing out her sceptre, Sailor Moon summons her power and calls out "Silver Moon... Crystal Power Kiss!" I watch with a mixture of admiration and jealousy as she performs the one task by which I cannot live up to my senshi name, and heals the phage, which shifts back into the familiar form of Moroboshi-san.
You were fortunate, Moroboshi-san. Many of the dead on my planet could have been saved with her power to heal.
*********************************
I lean against the doorjamb, and think about the events of the day. It is a lot to ponder; my whole outlook on life changed in a few short hours. Idly, I listen as that little girl "Chibi Chibi" chases the cats around. [What a name to give a child! Honestly! "Little-Little", how embarrassing as she grows older!] I think, and I hear Usagi's excited voice.
"I hope you win, Minako!"
"Well, if I don't, it'll be Yaten-kun's fault!" Minako replies with a laugh in her voice.
A joke. I can play that game, too. "I judged harshly," I begin, trying to keep a stern face, but I can't help giving in after hearing the confused "What?". After the encouragement she gave me, I should probably return the favour. And I should tell the truth.
"However, you shone the most." I tell her. And it's the truth. No more, no less.
"Really?" she asks me excitedly, clasping her hands together. No, Aino Minako will never change, and perhaps that's for the best. I wouldn't want her to change...
...Though I have no idea why.
A flash of energy flickers around the edges of my mental shields for a moment, and then I'm suddenly swamped by a sensation so familiar, so longed after...
"This scent is...!" Could it be, after so long?
"Princess!" This is the scent Taiki was talking about!
Summoning all my empathic powers, I project as strongly as I can. [Princess! Where are you? I can feel you, smell your scent!]
No answer.
But I sensed that energy from that Chibi Chibi girl. Perhaps...
...Perhaps if we start to believe again, dream again, shine again; the princess will find us.
And I intend to find out what Chibi Chibi has to do with it too.
*********************************
I lean back in my chair, thinking. I had heard from Moroboshi-san that Aino Minako was the winner of the competition. I was pleased -- after all, she deserved to be the winner. She shone. And more importantly, she taught me how important it was to learn to shine again.
I'm working on that. Slowly. But this time I'm not giving up my dreams for the princess's sake, I'm rediscovering them for her sake. And I believe I'll slowly get them back.
Soon we'll find our princess again. And then we'll go home and start to rebuild our shattered planet. But I'm not as certain of Galaxia's victory over this planet as I was before. With soldiers like Sailor Moon, and Sailor Venus, then maybe...
You know, in the early days when I met you, you drove me completely crazy, with your flirting and squealing and butting-in. I never thought I'd be able to even tolerate you, much less say this, even to myself, but...
I'll miss you when I return to Kinmokusei, Minako.
THE END.
This story is written in first person, from Yaten's point of view, exploring what I think his thoughts may have been during Stars episode 192. This story contains massive spoilers for that episode, as well as a lot of Yaten/Minako interaction so anyone who doesn't want to be 'spoiled' or doesn't like Y/M, don't read the story. Also, the story contains one or two scenes that weren't in the episode. Just things that I thought might have happened, given the circumstances. In the story, any dialogue is in inverted commas "like this", any specific thoughts of Yaten's are in square brackets [like this]. Everything else is the general flow of his thoughts and emotions and such.
This story uses the premise from Jen Wand-san's fanfic "Yaten's Love Song" that Yaten is an empath and can sense emotions and such, in addition to the established ability of sensing the death/taking of starseeds.
Japanese words: "Hai" means "yes". "Iie" means "no".
Rated [PG] to [PG-13] for a few mild curse words like "damn" and "hell".
*********************************
Ginga TV. Here it is, the place where the audition is being held. Why did I have to be chosen to be the judge representing the Three Lights? Why couldn't Seiya or Taiki have done it?
"Oh, God." Not another round of screaming girls. At least they went past me and chased after someone else for once. I don't think I can take these idiotic Earth teenagers much longer. If I get ONE more love letter, I'm going to return it to sender, along with a nice burning Star Sensitive Inferno. How can they say they're in love with me when they don't even know the person they're so infatuated with? Can't they tell the difference between admiration, and true love and devotion? Apparently not. How dare they casually toss around a meaningful word like love as if it's a cheap item to be sold to the newest bidder?
It's hard to believe they're as old as I am, sometimes. I suppose maybe because no matter how young my body may be, my mind feels old and weary. I have a constant headache from so many minds; so many thoughts buzzing round my head. These Earth people have such loud minds, and absolutely no individual mental shields at all. When we first got here, I was in shock for almost a day, trying to build up strong enough mental walls to hold out the battalion of alien emotion. Hmph. Sounds like a line from one of Taiki's poems. And now I have to pretend that I'm like them, with no cares or worries beyond simultaneously being a student and teenage idol -- ha! That's what they think. But it's in order to find our Princess. And anything is worth that. Even being buffeted by the jostles and shouts and emotions of a pack of stupid --
Huh?
What is *she* doing here?
"What are you doing here?"
"What are *you* doing here, Yaten-kun? You're not participating in the audition, are you?"
Kami-sama, what a stupid question! "Come this way," I snap at her, grabbing her wrist tightly, ignoring her protests of "Hey, wait! Let me go!"
[I knew bad things happen to us because of you lot, like Seiya's injury because he's too obsessed with Tsukino Usagi for his own good... but this planet is under attack! I've seen you fight, and now... this? Despite the disagreements between your group and ours, I thought better of you...]
This room is empty; I can talk freely here. Letting go of her wrist, I turn and look at her -- she seems to shrivel a little, and shrinks back against the wall. It just makes me angrier. Why am I so angry? We told them. This planet was theirs to defend, not ours -- their business, not ours. Why am I so angry with her?
[I wanted to think better of you...]
Quickly, I shove the intrusive thought down, lock it away with its accompanying emotion into the tightly sealed place in my chest that I never let loose. My hand slams into the wall a few inches from her face, the side of my hand being brushed for a moment by soft hair. [Push that away too, Yaten.] I want an explanation, dammit! I bring my other hand up close to her face, clenched into a fist to stop myself from grabbing her and shaking some sense into her.
"Is it all right for you to be here?"
I can tell by the uncomprehending look on her face that she doesn't understand. Dear heavens, she can't be THAT stupid!
"Does everyone know?" Do your fellow senshi know what you've done, to come here?
"Yes, they do," she whispers. "They told me to come."
"What?" Stunned is the only word that can describe how I feel. "Did you think about the situation you're in?" Flashbacks come back to me and sicken me to the core... Galaxia's attack on Kinmokusei. The screams, the terror, the wild mobs trying to escape their already sealed doom. The agony of the minds being ripped, having their starseed, their very essence, torn away... and then, worse. The awful silence in my head that rang as loudly as the screams it replaced. And another silence. And another...
I can't stand it. I can't look at that confused, wondering face, can't bear to look into the shining blue eyes that don't know, can never know. Whirling around, I hit the wall with both my hands, trying to push away those awful memories. They won't help now. The horror, compassion, grief I felt for those poor souls... none of that will help them now, either.
I ran away. Yes, I left to look for the Princess... I left to stay with my fellow Starlights... but I also ran away from those shrieking souls whom I could not heal. Sailor Star Healer; what a cosmic joke. I couldn't do anything for them. Not even share their suffering and their final moments as a healer should. I ran away because I couldn't stand feeling the screams become silence anymore.
I was glad our princess had left. I was glad when Taiki decided that saving Kinmoku was a lost cause and persuaded Seiya to follow the Princess. Seiya would go anywhere for Kakyuu... until Sailor Moon came, that is.
Still fighting the nausea, I fling a bitter demand over my shoulder. "Don't you care what happens to your planet?"
"I know." Such a soft voice... a voice which knows nothing, despite what she says. She doesn't know why I'm acting like this, but I can sense her pity for me. Anger floods me again. [Never pity me! I don't want to be pitied! I want to amend my failure and find our Princess, understand?]
"If you care, why are you here?!" My heart and head are aching so, and I turn my rage on the nearest target. Her. Her and her stupid costume that she's wearing for this stupid audition and her basket with her damn cat in it and everything about her!
"Because--"
Oh no. I'm not letting that through. No excuses. No allowances. People only accept excuses and allowances from people that matter to them, and she doesn't matter to me. Nothing except finding the princess and rebuilding our planet will ever matter to me. Nothing.
But I'm still angry, and damned if I'm not going to let her know what I think of her attitude towards her own planet.
"You girls astonish me! You're all trash!" [Do you want to wind up a failure as a senshi, betraying those you're sworn to protect, Sailor Venus? Do you want to wind up just like me? If not, pay attention to me, even if you hate me for it!]
Not that I care if she does, of course.
Striding away, I wonder where I can get a drink of water. I need to calm my screaming nerves and churning stomach... need to rinse my mouth clean again.
"Wait!" An indignant shout behind me. I knew she'd hate me, but right now that's not as important as getting it into her head that she has a planet to save from the plague of Galaxia's hand. And I have the role of an idol to play, so that I can find a princess. How stupid it all is.
"This is my dream!"
"What?" Surprised, I turn around to see her staring me right in the eyes, that basket in her hand. And for a moment, the silliness of the costume fades under the determination radiating from her.
"To... to realise your dream is important!" she snaps at me, defiantly.
"Do you think your dream is more important than your duty as a soldier?" I counter. [Minako no baka! Do you think Galaxia will wait for you to fulfil your pretty fantasy before she strikes and turns this planet into another crumbling, dying hell?]
I see her mouth curl in exasperation at that, but before she can reply, a voice comes from the door.
"Yaten-san, it's almost time to begin."
"Hai," I sigh, suddenly bone-tired. It's no use. They won't listen; they're just going to continue with their heads in the sand until it's too late, refusing to believe it could happen to them.
[Just as we did.]
And why does it bother me so? I don't care about them. I've said over and over that I don't.
*********************************
I walk in silence in the hall. I can tell that the employee beside me wants to say something -- his mind is like a music player on full blast, with no volume control. I want to shout at him to shut up, but since he hasn't said a word it'd just confuse him, and wouldn't help at all.
"Yaten-san, I hate to be disrespectful, but I must ask you this according to the audition regulations."
Here it comes, whatever it is. At least his mind won't be so loud now. "Yes, what is it?"
"I must ask. That competitor... number five, correct?"
"Correct." I don't like the way his mind is turning, and I can't say why.
"You were speaking with her for an unknown length of time in a solitary room. Forgive me, but regulations state that I must ask. Did she attempt to bribe you in any way in order to change the judging balance in her favour?"
Now I know why I didn't like it. And now I like it even less.
"Yaten-san, I realise it may be embarrassing to talk about it if the bribes she offered were of... an intimate nature, but you must tell me so if she did. If she did so, then the regulations stipulate that she must be disqualified--"
"Iie!" He blinks, shocked by the vehemence of my reaction. Quickly, I try to calm myself; never an easy task. "She was... merely practicing her performance in that room, mistakenly believing that since the room was currently empty, she could use it for rehearsing. I was explaining to her that she was incorrect."
I'm not sure why I feel it so important to defend her all of a sudden, to make sure she stayed in the competition; wasn't I telling her moments before that she shouldn't be here? But it was me who dragged her into that room despite her protests, and I'll be damned if I was going to let her wear the stigma of making a repugnant offer she never did make, or bear the penalty for a situation that was my fault.
[I won't let anyone else pay the price of my actions again. Never again.]
He bows to me respectfully. "I apologise, Yaten-san. Please understand that that is part of my job here today."
"I understand." [I understand that any gods that may exist are conspiring to make my life a living hell, both in the important things and the small petty details.]
Aino Minako, you are definitely far more trouble than you're worth.
[Then why are you so worked up about something you say is not worth the trouble?]
[Shut up!] I yell inside my head. The last thing I need is to be confused now. I just have to get through this judging session, then I can go home, try to clear my mind and try to contact the princess through my thoughts. At this point, any plan is worth an attempt.
We complete the journey to the judging room in silence, and this time his mind is blessedly quieter.
*********************************
Sitting at the judges' panel, I warily scan the throng of overexcited girls. You don't have to be an empath to know what they're thinking -- a path to fame, fortune and adulation. They have no idea how much hard work goes into being an idol -- they just see what they want to see. And what they want to see is glitter and glamour.
Me? I just want to see the princess. We felt her energy earlier, she must be alive and close -- but where? Why hasn't she appeared? Is she trapped somewhere, perhaps, or injured or sick? Is that why she can't come to us? I can't tell. Dammit! I should be able to locate her, or at least narrow the search field! Why can't I find her? What use is an empath who can't sense the most important thing of all?
Seiya is the physical fighter and leader -- our heart. Taiki is the thinker, planner and strategist -- our brain. I'm supposed to be the empath, the watchman; our mind. And I have failed. I'm just... the third Starlight, the one who happens to hang around the other two. The one who has failed our soul. Failed our Princess.
Some stupid judge is late -- no, wait, someone's here to replace her. Suzu or some name like that. There's something odd about her that I can't quite put my finger on, but I shrug it off. I've got more important things to worry about.
Moroboshi-san is droning on about something in the background. Encouraging the competitors, telling them to relax, so on and so on. Whatever. Like it matters, anyway. This planet is going to be a dead world drifting in space if we can't find the Light of Hope soon.
And yet I can't help but keep my gaze fixed on Minako all through the initial introductions. Definitely a strange girl. She seems determined, yet very nervous. I probably shook her up pretty badly -- that was what I was trying to do, after all; make her realise her planet's situation.
So why do I feel guilty?
*********************************
Time to judge the singing. That part's easy enough: I've been a singer long enough to be a decent judge of the difference between good and mediocre; and more importantly, the difference between good and true excellence. The shine.
I hear the call for "number five, Aino Minako" and her reply "Hai!" She steps over to the microphone slowly -- probably gathering her nerves. Most of the girls have had stage fright at some point -- why should she be any different? For all her boasting of her idol performance abilities, she's every bit as nervous as any other competitor.
As I don my headphones, the compare instructs her, "Please start."
The music starts. She has her head turned to the side -- partly a theatrical touch, not to directly face the audience until you start singing; but partly, I'd say, to try to manage her jitters. Even from here, I can see she has her fists clenched tightly to try and stop her hands shaking.
A small part of me winces inwardly with guilt, but a failed audition is indeed a small price to pay if those soldiers can actually bring enough power to cripple Galaxia. There are certainly enough of them...
She's about to sing.
"As if being torn apart,
My heart is beating faster,
Our paths are being separated,
Is it by destiny?"
I can't help raising an eyebrow in surprise. If this is the best she can do, I'm surprised she reached the finals. Still, maybe she's better when she isn't nervous. But for now, I'm not impressed.
"You choose the white cross,
The future looms before you, so don't get lost!"
That's better... I can hear more emotion in the singing. Now, if she improves on that again...
"The ocean stretches wide,
The wind blows in this direction,
It may be a little cold,
But just keep running on!"
As she finishes the song and bows, leaving the stage, I pick up my scoresheet and pencil, thinking. Not the most technically skilled performance... and the beginning was terrible... but at the end she sang with her heart. Her enthusiasm and passion came shining through. I can't give her a poor mark for it, though strictly speaking, I should take many marks off for all the beginning errors.
But... I don't know.
I write two marks down on the sheet. One the strict, technical mark, the other a better mark that, while still being reasonably strict, takes her ability to convey her emotion into account. I'll decide later which one to give her.
*********************************
The dancing section. I groan inwardly. I never was much of a judge of dancing, but I can tell that compared to the others, Minako isn't doing well at all. [Her technique is adequate, but she's concentrating so hard on just performing the steps, she's not truly dancing. What happened to that spontaneous enthusiasm I saw earlier today?]
And why do I care? Why should I be judging her compared to others rather than judge each girl on their talent, or lack of thereof? Why do I keep looking at her rather than all the others?
Because I know what all the others want; why they're here, why they're doing it. Minako has every reason not to, and yet she is. Why?
"Ahh!"
A gasp escapes me involuntarily as I see another girl crash into Minako by accident -- they both fall hard. Distantly, I notice Moroboshi-san is also leaning forward, looking worried.
[Is she all right? She could have hurt herself...]
I feel as if my gaze must be burning holes in her. I watch intently as she gets up on her knees, shakes her head to clear it, then leans over to the other girl. Its impossible to hear her voice over the music, but from her lip movements it's clear she asked if the other girl was all right.
Perversely, I feel proud. I share an impressed glance with Moroboshi-san. A lesser, more petty person would have lashed out at the girl for endangering their chances of winning. [Hell, I would have snapped at her, not because I cared about winning, but because of the fall. But not Minako.]
But by entering this concert, she's proven she doesn't care, or doesn't realise, the magnitude of the danger. Either way, she's not worthy of my respect or admiration. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I thinking like this?
She gets up and starts to dance again. And this time, she's dancing. Truly dancing. I can practically feel the glow of her shine through my skin. She's making the exact same movements, but the sheer joy that's powering those movements is enough to bring me almost out of my chair.
I know I'm staring at her like an open-mouthed idiot. And for a moment... I don't care.
I know I felt joy like that once, the memory of it is locked deep inside my heart.
I just wish it wasn't so long ago.
*********************************
"You may ask your questions," the compare announces to us, backing away from the line of girls on stage. I grip my microphone, determined to be the first one to ask questions. [You will not confuse me again today, Aino Minako.]
"Number five!"
She looks a bit startled, which surprises me a little. Surely she must have anticipated that I'd ask her at least one question. But she answers readily enough. "Hai!"
"Why did you apply for this audition?" [You said doing this was your dream... so tell me, Minako, exactly what is your dream?]
Not that I care much, of course.
I wait for a standard answer -- fame, fortune, excitement of idol life, whatever. I'm ready to hear anything she's likely to say.
"I want to give people dreams through song, dance and plays! Like the Three Lights!" she says, quietly but firmly.
I was ready for anything. Except that. Giving dreams? That's something we've never done -- at least not on purpose. I know we gave Misa-chan the confidence to fight to live, but not intentionally. We've been trying so hard to send our message through song, to reach our princess, that I never thought that others could get anything out of it other than ridiculous childish crushes.
"Do you understand what it means to be an idol?" [Do you understand what it is like, having no privacy? You already have your secret senshi identity. Do you understand what we learned the hard way while living here? Do you understand what it would be like, living a double lie?]
"Well..." she hesitates. I immediately swoop down on the weakness, pushing my point home.
"Do you have something else you have to consider before you pursue being an idol?" I glare at her, trying to send my thoughts through the strength of my stare. [You have a duty, Sailor Venus! Stop treating it like a plaything, or you'll end up planetless and without honour, like me.]
She lifts her head, spreading her arms out in a gesture of openness. "To realise my dream, I believe there's nothing to be done before or after!" she sings out, in a voice so confident I'm stunned.
I'm struck speechless by this. I can't believe I just heard that. What could she mean by such a strange statement? Did she mean she truly doesn't care about her duty, or that... that...
That perhaps her dream is what lets her be a senshi, what drives her to protect her world as strongly as duty and loyalty to her friends do? That her dream lets her not just perform as a senshi but... shine as one?
A hand on my shoulder startles me. It is Moroboshi-san, with a wry smile on his face.
"You lost, Yaten-kun. She shines all right! She has a strong will, too."
My chest tightens as that hits home. Hard. I look up at her one last time, literally glowing there on stage. I stare at her for a few seconds, before lowering my head and crossing out the harsher mark from my scoresheet.
[He is right. She shines.
And I... have lost.]
*********************************
In the distance, I can hear the contestants leaving. I hear their cheerful chatter to one another and can guess what they're saying to each other: the inevitable "So, how do you think you went?" But that's not important now. I need to speak with her.
"Hey."
She turns around from packing away her things, looking my straight in the eye, waiting for me to say whatever it is I have to say. And after I yelled at her -- she probably thinks I'm going to yell again. But I'm not, not this time.
"How can you push ahead?" [How did you keep that shine? How can you possibly keep it, even in times like these?]
"Because I want to respond to everyone's wish," she says, as if it were so simple. I'm taken aback.
"Everyone's?"
She smiles then, a smile of complete confidence in whatever she's about to say next. "Yes. Usagi told me 'Don't forget your dream because it's such a time!'"
['Because it's such a time'. It's vital to keep your dreams, your joy... your shine... when the times are so hard more than any other time.]
Picking up her cat and cradling him, she continues. "My dream is everyone's dream. Everyone's dream is my dream."
And you believe in your dream because 'Usagi told you'. Is there anyone who doesn't trust that girl? Who is she, that she, unlike me, truly does have the power to heal, can bewitch Seiya so easily and earn these girls' complete trust?
A bitter half-laugh escapes my lips as the final ironic realisation sets in. "We're allowed to dream of anything besides our duty as a soldier, right?"
We were so angry after Galaxia destroyed Kinmokusei, so desperate to find our princess, that we stopped thinking of anything but finding Princess Kakyuu -- and so we lost our dreams. Our joy. Our shine.
Light, by definition, is supposed to have a shine. We call ourselves the Starlights, or the Three Lights. Does it matter? It's still light. In both forms, we're emotionally exhausted, stressed and at the limit of our endurance. What's the Earth phrase for it? 'Burned out'? How appropriate. A burned out light source has no shine, and therefore no use, no value.
Minako is confused. As well she might be. Don't understand me, Aino Minako. Don't even try. It might destroy you and everything that you are.
I turn away, not wanting anyone to see my face. And not her. Especially not her. I don't care if she sees me angry or rude or impatient, but nobody sees me like this if I can help it, not even Taiki or Seiya.
But I'm still here, and still talking, my thoughts coming out of my mouth almost involuntarily.
"Have we lost the ability to do so?" It's possible Seiya may not have, but Taiki may very well have, and as for me...
"Yaten-kun?" Her gentle voice comes to my ears, but I just keep on talking.
"She's close by, but she hasn't appeared." My head bows in defeat as I finally admit it. "We think we're missing something." [I know *I'm* missing something.]
"You're not lacking anything!" Minako's agitated voice cuts through my reverie, and I stare at her in suprise, sensing the flare of emotion that's radiating from her eyes, her face.
"You all shine, Yaten-kun! You shine more than anyone else!"
Despite myself, I feel a small smile creep to my face, as that tightly sealed place inside my heart becomes warm, if only for a brief moment. Even if I don't know if it's true... it's nice that someone who knows me as well as just about anyone ever will on this planet thinks so.
*********************************
I can't help but sigh as I watch Sailor Moon and Venus jump around, desperately trying to avoid the phage's attacks. When will they learn to attack and disable the phage *before* they get attacked themselves? Or better yet, to have attacked those two of Galaxia's servants? What did the tall one call the short one, Nyanko? That was an opportunity missed.
"I can't wait for them. Oh, dear." Now I'm going to have to handle it, I suppose. We Starlights have a lot of forced experience in fighting phages. They may have a shine... but at least we're efficient.
"Healer Star Power, Make Up!"
The henshin process is something that you can never describe unless you've been through one. In other words, if you're not a senshi, it can't be explained to you, and if you ARE a senshi, you don't need it to be explained. Oh well.
Quickly summoning my power, I attacked.
"Star Sensitive Inferno!"
I watch in satisfaction as the energy crackles over the phage as it yells, temporarily disabled. Venus quickly follows up with her own attack, and this time the phage is down. I'm impressed.
[It seems we work well in a team, Venus. But I'm not admitting that to anyone. Not even,] I acknowledge wryly, [to myself.]
"Sailor Moon! Now!" she cries out.
Bringing out her sceptre, Sailor Moon summons her power and calls out "Silver Moon... Crystal Power Kiss!" I watch with a mixture of admiration and jealousy as she performs the one task by which I cannot live up to my senshi name, and heals the phage, which shifts back into the familiar form of Moroboshi-san.
You were fortunate, Moroboshi-san. Many of the dead on my planet could have been saved with her power to heal.
*********************************
I lean against the doorjamb, and think about the events of the day. It is a lot to ponder; my whole outlook on life changed in a few short hours. Idly, I listen as that little girl "Chibi Chibi" chases the cats around. [What a name to give a child! Honestly! "Little-Little", how embarrassing as she grows older!] I think, and I hear Usagi's excited voice.
"I hope you win, Minako!"
"Well, if I don't, it'll be Yaten-kun's fault!" Minako replies with a laugh in her voice.
A joke. I can play that game, too. "I judged harshly," I begin, trying to keep a stern face, but I can't help giving in after hearing the confused "What?". After the encouragement she gave me, I should probably return the favour. And I should tell the truth.
"However, you shone the most." I tell her. And it's the truth. No more, no less.
"Really?" she asks me excitedly, clasping her hands together. No, Aino Minako will never change, and perhaps that's for the best. I wouldn't want her to change...
...Though I have no idea why.
A flash of energy flickers around the edges of my mental shields for a moment, and then I'm suddenly swamped by a sensation so familiar, so longed after...
"This scent is...!" Could it be, after so long?
"Princess!" This is the scent Taiki was talking about!
Summoning all my empathic powers, I project as strongly as I can. [Princess! Where are you? I can feel you, smell your scent!]
No answer.
But I sensed that energy from that Chibi Chibi girl. Perhaps...
...Perhaps if we start to believe again, dream again, shine again; the princess will find us.
And I intend to find out what Chibi Chibi has to do with it too.
*********************************
I lean back in my chair, thinking. I had heard from Moroboshi-san that Aino Minako was the winner of the competition. I was pleased -- after all, she deserved to be the winner. She shone. And more importantly, she taught me how important it was to learn to shine again.
I'm working on that. Slowly. But this time I'm not giving up my dreams for the princess's sake, I'm rediscovering them for her sake. And I believe I'll slowly get them back.
Soon we'll find our princess again. And then we'll go home and start to rebuild our shattered planet. But I'm not as certain of Galaxia's victory over this planet as I was before. With soldiers like Sailor Moon, and Sailor Venus, then maybe...
You know, in the early days when I met you, you drove me completely crazy, with your flirting and squealing and butting-in. I never thought I'd be able to even tolerate you, much less say this, even to myself, but...
I'll miss you when I return to Kinmokusei, Minako.
THE END.