Shatter
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Avatar: The Last Airbender.
~A~
Music playing at an easy level gave an elegant backdrop to the many people dancing, the whirls of color and the excited voices something that hadn't been seen in the Fire Nation Palace in many, many years.
With Sozin, his son Azulon, and then Ozai intent on conquering the world, the entire capitol city and most of the rest of the Fire Nation had become nothing more than a militant machine, and that kind of thing tended to snuff enjoyable things like dancing out.
But now that Zuko had been crowned Firelord the Fire Nation once again found itself able to stop, look around at the world, and just breathe. The people were finally able to notice life again, and dancing was a part of that, a way to express the joy they felt in the release of the tension of one hundred years of constant war and strife.
But for one person there, all this ball and the happiness others were feeling had brought was pain, and she sat hidden in the shadows, a wallflower filled with self-inflicted misery.
Katara pushed herself back further into her dark corner, half hidden from the room by heavy draperies. She stared blankly at the dance floor, her eyes far away and more lost than they had ever been – except for the period of time when a certain Avatar had lain unconscious and near death. She shook her head and her eyes fell as she fiercely tried to keep the tears that were welling up back – she didn't want to drag anyone else down with her sorrow.
Especially since it was all her own fault she was feeling the way she was.
"What's wrong?" a stern voice demanded, and she jumped in surprise and looked up to find her brother staring at her with narrowing eyes as he took in the desperate unhappiness on her face – unhappiness that she was trying so hard to hide.
She blinked rapidly, hoping to clear the tears that were blurring her vision away and smiled tentatively, trying to cover herself to no avail; her brother's frown only deepened and he followed her gaze as it moved across the room to land on Aang. "I.. I..." her throat closed up and she couldn't get anything more to come as Sokka noticed the young Avatar himself and his expression immediately darkened, surprising her.
"What does he think he's doing?!" the teenager barked, stiffening with anger.
Katara just gaped at him, wondering what had gotten him so upset all of a sudden.
"All this time hanging all over you and making it seem like he had feelings for you, and now he's saved the world and you aren't good enough for him anymore? I'm gonna-" he started moving away from his sister, heading for Aang with fists balled, but before he could take more than two steps Katara had his shoulder in a tight grip, halting him in his tracks. He looked down at her angrily. "Let me go. I'm going to go find out what the hell he thinks he's doing treating you like this."
The miserable tears now spilling down her cheeks shut him up and he grabbed her, pulling her into a tight hug. "No, Sokka, it isn't Aang's fault. It's mine. It's my fault he's over there with all those girls and I'm here alone. I was so stupid," she sobbed into his chest as he hugged her, and though her words were muffled, he heard them well enough and frowned, completely confused. What the hell is going on? I mean, Aang's across the room flirting with other girls and dancing with them, and Katara's over here acting like her life is over. This isn't how this was supposed to go.
Inhaling deeply, the older teen waited until his sister's sobs calmed a little and then pulled her away enough to look at her. There was definitely something going on, and he needed to know what. "We need to talk. Let's go find somewhere else – somewhere with a little privacy, you know?" he murmured, looking back at the few people close by that were now looking at the two of them oddly.
Katara just nodded, in too much pain to argue and not really wanting to, anyway. She didn't want to be here watching Aang find someone else to love... even if it was her fault he didn't want her anymore.
She was silent as Sokka tugged her through the throng and towards the doors out into the gardens – from the looks of her she could use the air, and he wanted enough privacy that if he felt the need to yell he wouldn't attract the attention of the entire ballroom.
By the time he found a place he was happy with and came to a stop they could barely even hear the music, and he let go her arm and turned to face her. She was just standing behind him staring lifelessly at the ground, the most hopeless expression marring her usually bright features.
For a moment he was stunned – he'd only ever seen that look on her face once, and that had been when Aang had died. Holding his lifeless body in her arms she'd looked as though she were about to give up her own life and follow him... and during the weeks he'd been in that coma, she almost had. He and his father had been forced to step in after they'd found her unconscious on the floor of the young airbender's room, exhausted and completely drained in her determination to bring the monk back to full health.
It had become abundantly clear during that time that his sister was head over heels for the Avatar, and he'd already known for some time of Aang's feelings for Katara, so he just couldn't understand how they'd ended up here – with him standing with her in a garden while she simply folded over on herself while his best friend was off rubbing shoulders with a bunch of other girls and ignoring the one he supposedly loved.
And why was she so convinced it was all her fault?
"What's going on, Katara?" he finally asked, his voice soft but serious.
She shook her head as she sank to the ground, trying to find her voice. She didn't want Sokka mad at Aang, because he hadn't done anything wrong – she had.
It took her a few moments to gather herself, and then she sighed, seeming to shrink even more as the air left her body. "Aang told me how he felt, at that stupid play you dragged us to," she finally began wearily, having obviously reached her emotional limit during the final days of the war and simply no longer able to hide the fact that she was falling apart.
Sokka was beginning to get really worried – this was like watching his baby sister shatter into a million pieces right in front of his eyes. "Kata-" he broke off when she raised a hand and met his gaze from under her lashes, something flashing in them that had him snapping his mouth shut in surprise.
"Please," she said softly, "just listen. I... I can barely bring myself to talk about it. I can't even face the idea of having to repeat any of it, okay?" When he nodded mutely, she continued. "I already kind of knew, anyway, because he kissed me on the day of the invasion just before flying off to look for Ozai," she sighed, her gaze faded as it looked into their many yesterdays with longing and sadness. It was like she was looking on Aang's grave, timeworn and stricken with grief. "We didn't speak of it afterward... there was no time to worry about that kind of thing with everything else that had happened that day. And then Zuko showed up and started training him, and with him in Firebending practice most of the time I just pushed it off." She shook her head and her eyes rose to stare at the heavens, a gleam glancing from the corner of one as the lamplight hit a tear welling from it. She was silent for some time then, obviously remembering things she didn't want to speak of.
Getting more and more uncomfortable at bearing witness to his sister's grief, Sokka cleared his throat in an attempt to wordlessly prompt her into continuing her story, even though he was beginning to see where it was going even without her finishing.
"Have you ever wished you could go back in time?" she asked suddenly.
It was his turn to drift into the past for a few moments and he nodded, moving to sit down beside her. "Yeah," he sighed. "Yeah, I have." He didn't say any more, but he didn't have to. She understood what he was talking about as he looked up at Yue sadly.
"If I could go back, I would do everything so differently. I told him I was confused, Sokka. I led my best friend to believe I didn't know how I felt, even led him to believe that I didn't really feel anything more than friendship for him. I was lying to myself, and even worse, I lied to him."
Sokka pulled his mind back from his own memories of Yue and glanced down at his sister's face, understanding the melancholy there. "Why did you do that?" he prodded gently, confused.
Suddenly a flood of tears cascaded down Katara's cheeks, tears with no sound behind them. She was weeping for the first time in her life. These tears came from the deepest part of her, the part that was always hidden, always buried away. He recognized them because he'd shed such tears for his lost love, and scooting closer to his sister, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
"Just tell me," he soothed. "Let it all out."
Katara's eyes fell closed and she dropped her face into her hands. With a trembling sigh, she said, "I was terrified, Sokka! I'm not even fifteen yet! I wasn't ready to feel so much, wasn't ready to realize I belonged to anyone heart and soul like this!"
Her brother was silent for a moment, and then he asked, "So what changed?"
She slumped into his embrace then, like a puppet whose strings had been cut. "I finally realized that it didn't matter. It was already too late for me. I'm his anyway, ready or not, and I always will be," she answered after a pause, her voice remote.
Sokka frowned thoughtfully. "When did you finally realize that?"
"When he disappeared. That time spent looking for him – I knew then what the rest of my life was going to be like... because either way, whether he returned or didn't I'd be spending the rest of my life without him. I was stupid and foolish, and too frightened to see what I was throwing away." Her fingers clenched into Sokka's tunic as pain tightened its own grip on her. "So I can't complain that he's decided to let go of any feelings for me and move on to someone else. He deserves the best of everything, and I hope... I hope he finds someone to love him for who he is, not what he is. To love him as Aang. He's the most beautiful thing in this world, and he deserves someone equally beautiful."
"Beautiful?" Sokka murmured, brow canted in surprise at her word choice.
"Yes, beautiful!" she answered fiercely, pulling away and staring at him almost aggressively, surprising him yet again. "Inside and out. His spirit shines like a beacon in the darkness, even with all of the pain he's already been through." Her face dropped in shame. "I hate myself for adding even a tiny bit to what he already carries. How could I have hurt someone like him? How could I?"
It was silent for a few moments as he tried to think of something to say, but nothing would come.
He looked down at her, and she caught him completely off-guard by smiling so beautifully and with such aching sadness that his own chest grew tight with empathy. "He's the most handsome boy that ever lived, too. No one could ever compare."
"What are you going to do, Katara?" he asked once he'd managed to regain control, though his voice was still gruff with emotion.
She understood what he was asking immediately, and her smile grew infinitely sadder. "Go back to the south pole," she said simply. "I... I want him to be happy, so very much. But I don't think I can stay and watch him find someone else to love. And it would probably be too awkward for him for me to be hanging around, too. I don't want him to be uncomfortably reminded of all of this every time he sees me. So I'll go back to Gran-Gran, and live with her and Dad. Take care of them as they get older, I guess." She gave a bare shrug. "It doesn't really matter, does it?"
"I don't think it's going to be that easy," Sokka replied, eyeing her worriedly. "You'll be fifteen soon and you know what that means. You're the daughter of the Chief, plus you're a powerful waterbender and healer – and beautiful besides. Probably every warrior that's going back home will be asking for your hand in marriage, and I wouldn't put it past some of the Northern Water Tribe guys to show up and try their hands, too. How are you going to handle that?"
"By turning them down," she responded dismissively. "There's no law that says I have to get married."
"You're really going to spend the rest of your life alone?"
"It's no more than I deserve, Sokka," she whispered. "And I can't even stomach the thought of marrying anyone but Aang, anyway. I think I'd rather die."
The water tribe teen sighed uneasily, not sure what to do about this whole mess and uncertain of how to handle a Katara that was no longer everybody's strength. She was the one that had kept them all going through everything, and now... "I don't remember you ever being this over-emotional before – well, except after Azula..." he trailed off. It was enough to leave that hanging.
That startled some laughter out of the young waterbender, but it wasn't happy laughter and Sokka flinched at the sound of it, looking over at his sister with a dismayed expression. "Everyone has their breaking point, you know, and I've more than passed mine. Maybe I wasn't meant for this kind of life. The spirits should have chosen someone stronger to stand by Aang's side through all of that. I don't know if I'll ever find all the pieces of myself. I don't think I can really be put back together again, anyway," she added so quietly he almost didn't hear it.
Apparently someone else did, though.
"Don't say that," Aang's voice broke in, startling the two still sitting on the ground.
Katara whipped her head around to stare at him in consternation and then jumped to her feet. "What did you overhear?" she gasped, flushing with mortification.
Aang stepped forward, reaching a hand out so as to grasp her arm – she looked as though she were ready to bolt, and he couldn't let her leave. He couldn't. He was so focused on her he'd forgotten Sokka's presence, and the other boy stayed quiet so as not to interrupt what he hoped might be happening.
Yes, he was actually hoping the airbender had been eavesdropping so that he knew how Katara felt about him. Hoped that it really wasn't too late like she seemed to believe, and hoped that Aang would forgive her, because he couldn't bring himself to believe that after all of this the monk would just suddenly change his mind about his feelings.
"Don't go, Katara," the airbender pleaded, pulling back his hand at the last moment uncertainly. "I'll just follow you if you do, you know."
Clasping her arms around herself defensively, the young girl half-turned away, her eyes fixed on the moon as she desperately tried to keep herself from just keeling over, shaking her head to rid it of a faint buzzing sound. Please lend me your strength, Yue... "I'm sorry, Aang. But I can't stay. Surely you can understand that. It'll be better if I go. You don't need me anymore, anyway, right? The war's over." She looked at the ground. "Not like you really needed me before, either, but..."
"How can you say that?" the Avatar shouted suddenly as Katara's eyes wrenched up to his and widened in shock, her arms falling to her sides limply.
Sokka watched approvingly - he had the feeling his sister would have to be forcibly pushed out of her little meltdown, and this was probably the only way that was going to happen.
"If it weren't for you none of this would have been possible!" he continued, gesturing wildly as he helplessly spilled all that was inside him, unable to stop in light of what he'd heard her admitting to her brother. "Heck, if it weren't for you I would still be sitting frozen in an iceberg... you're the real hero here, not me or Zuko or anyone else," he added slowly, his voice dropping low as he watched Katara gape at him. "There were so many times I just wanted to lay down and give up. But you... you kept me going. You kept all of us going. When I was weak you carried me, and when I died you brought me back. Without you the world would be burning to ash right now instead of enjoying the first peace it's known in a hundred years. You – Katara, you're amazing," he finished fervently. "The most amazing person I know."
"How can you say that?" she cried, repeating his words as her head dropped, much too guilty and shamed to keep meeting his soft gray eyes. She couldn't believe he was basically forgiving her for what she'd done to him. Had there ever been anyone as perfect as him? Surely not...
"Because it's true," Aang returned gently, stepping forward and laying a hand on her shoulder as it shook with silent sobs. "Stop crying?" he begged softly. "I hate to see you upset like this. Katara, I love you - that hasn't changed, and it's never going to! Will you look at me, please?"
One hand flew to her mouth as his words hit her with all the fury of monsoon-force winds. She stared at him with wide eyes, so completely stunned by his admission of continuing love that her mind went blank for several long moments.
"Then why... back there in the ballroom, all those other girls, why-?" she finally blurted between her fingers, staring at him with so much self-doubt it was heartbreaking to the young monk.
"I thought I was doing what you wanted me to," he sighed after a moment spent staring at her, letting his hand drop from her shoulder as he shrugged uncomfortably. "I thought you didn't want me bothering you anymore, so I... I was trying not to make you feel uncomfortable so you wouldn't leave me. I... to me it would be better to have you as just a friend than not at all, so I... tried to make you think I was okay with you not wanting me as anything more than that so you'd stay with me."
"Why?" she asked again desperately, just so afraid to believe that maybe things weren't as over as she'd thought. "I don't understand how you can just forgive me like that! How you can... you can..." she trailed off, afraid to even think it, let alone say it aloud.
"Because... because I don't know how to be Aang without you anymore," he confessed, smiling sadly at her. "I need you. I'll always need you, and I'll take you any way I can have you, even if that's just as a friend and not-" he flushed and rubbed the back of his head, his eyes falling away uncertainly, "-as, well, as a boyfriend... or you know... whatever."
"Oh, Aang," the overwhelmed girl whispered, staring at him with longing and love openly visible in her eyes for once, even if she didn't realize it. "You deserve so much better than me."
The agitated boy took the last few steps separating them and after a split-second of hesitation he firmed his determination, pulling her into his arms and wrapping them around her as tightly as he could. Resting his head on her shoulder, he refused to let go even when she stiffened in shock.
"There is no one better than you, Katara. Not for me, anyway. Please don't make me spend my life without you," he sighed. "Please?"
At that, sobs began to shake her slender frame again as the pain and guilt surged. She couldn't help but feel as though she deserved it though, because it was the same thing she'd put her best friend through, the boy she knew she loved more than anything in the world. I don't think I'll ever get over the guilt for what I did to him, she acknowledged as she lost herself in a storm of weeping. Thinking that the one you love doesn't love you back is the most horrible feeling in the world. I'm going to spend the rest of my life making this up to him.
Breaking completely, Katara flung her arms around Aang and held on for dear life as she cried, slowly letting out all the poison and pain, the uncertainties and the fear that she'd been laboring under for so many weeks now - ever since she'd fled Ba Sing Se with his lifeless body hanging limply from her arms. The airbender just held her, letting her cry, and it wasn't until she felt his tears soaking through the cloth of her dress that she realized he was crying, too.
She responded by pulling him closer. She was as close as she could physically get and she only wanted to be closer still, to crawl inside him and live there forever.
"I'm sorry, Aang. I'm so sorry," she hiccuped, her sobs slowly calming as exhaustion finally began numbing her a little. She hadn't slept in days, had barely eaten in just as long, and her body had finally been pushed past its strength as she went a little lightheaded and slumped against the young monk. "I love you," she murmured, blinking hazily at him as he pulled away in concern to look at her. "I'll love you forev-" she broke off, suddenly confused.
"Katara?"
The waterbender tried to answer him, but everything was so far away and fuzzy now, and she couldn't seem to get her mouth to function. Unable to resist any longer, she gave up the fight and let the blackness at the edges of her vision sweep her under, going instantaneously limp in Aang's arms.
"Katara!" he cried, lifting her carefully against him, intending to run back to the ballroom and demand that one of Zuko's physicians be summoned immediately to tend to her. He was halted by a hand on his arm, and he blinked in shocked surprise to see Sokka looking his sister over. He'd completely forgotten the older boy's presence. "S-Sokka?" he stammered. "What are you doing? I need to get her-"
"Calm down, Aang. She's just exhausted. She needs to sleep. Go on. You take her to her room, and I'll go get Suki to help get her changed and settled into bed."
"Are you sure that's all that's wrong?" he asked dubiously, looking at her paler than normal face with worry. She did have dark circles under her eyes, but...
"I'm sure," Sokka replied. "Just get her to her room and we'll let her sleep. You'll see – she'll be back to her normal self in a day or so."
"Okay," the boy conceded reluctantly, turning and heading for the guest wing of the palace where their rooms were located, only looking away from her face enough to keep from tripping and dropping his precious burden. "You're going to be okay, Katara. You've taken care of all of us for so long, so now I'm going to take care of you."
There was no response to his words, but he hadn't expected any and he hurried on his way, ignoring all the offers by various guards to take Katara off his hands. By the time he'd made it all the way back to that side of the palace Sokka and his girl had already arrived, and he maneuvered carefully through the open doorway and strode over to the waterbender's bed, setting her down on it with such tenderness that Suki glanced at him sharply.
He blushed, but Sokka prevented any questions from her by the simple expedient of dragging the younger boy back towards the door. "Come on, you can check on your girlfriend once Suki gets her settled," he said, indirectly letting the Kyoshi warrior know the answer to her silent question while taking the spotlight off the airbender just a little.
"Why'd you say that, Sokka?" Aang hissed uneasily once they were standing outside with the door firmly closed. "Katara didn't say she wanted to be my girlfriend!"
The older boy cocked a knowing brow. "You didn't really ask her to be."
"It's not like I got the chance!" he defended himself.
"I know."
"So then why'd you say that? You know Suki won't be able to keep something like that to herself, and by the time Katara wakes up the rumors are going to have us married, and she's going to be really mad at me for being so presumptuous!"
Sokka rolled his eyes and plinked the younger teen in the side of his head. "Calm down. She's your girlfriend. You think she's going to have a fit about being called what she's been wanting to be called, anyway?" He paused, then asked, "Just how much of our conversation did you hear?" suddenly, brows drawing together thoughtfully.
Aang fidgeted, looked away, and then slumped as he found himself unable to hide anymore. "I followed you guys out. When I saw you leaving and the looks on both your faces I... I got worried that something had happened to your dad or Gran-Gran, or something. You both just looked so upset. I wasn't deliberately trying to eavesdrop, but then when I got close enough to hear what you guys were talking about I kinda... froze."
"Well, then why are you acting like you don't know that Katara loves you and wants to be with you?" the older boy asked in frustration.
"I'd rather not presume, thank you very much," Aang drew himself up. "She's not my girlfriend until I've asked and she's said yes-"
"Whatever!" Sokka exclaimed with annoyance, throwing his hands in the air. He turned as the door slid open and stalked back inside, followed by the Avatar.
Aang hurried over to the bed and hovered worriedly over it as he watched Katara breathe with intent eyes. "Are you sure we don't need to have someone look at her?"
Suki smiled comfortingly at him. "I have a little skill with healing and I've already examined her. She's fine, just tired out. She's resting comfortably now, so you can stop worrying."
"Not that I don't believe you," Aang replied a little sheepishly with a quick glance at her, "but I don't think I'll be able to stop worrying until she wakes up."
"No, probably not," Suki agreed wryly. After an awkward moment spent staring at the monk, who was busy still watching Katara, Sokka grabbed his girlfriend by the arm and guided her out.
"You've got a few moments to say goodnight to her, and then I expect you to join us out here, got it?"
The younger boy nodded absently, and Sokka slid the door shut as soon as they were through it.
Aang brushed an adoring hand over her cheek, his eyes soft and loving as he whispered, "I meant what I said, Katara. I'm going to take care of you. I'll be back first thing in the morning."
With a small, slightly sad smile, the young airbender leaned over and gently kissed the girl on her forehead and then reluctantly backed away, his arm dropping to his side as he turned and slowly made his way out of the room.
As soon as you're better again, we're having a talk and settling this once and for all. I love you and want to be with you forever, and if you love me and want to be with me, too – his heart pounded inside his chest with the deliciousness of the feeling that washed over him at that thought – then we'll be together, and I won't let some stupid guilt make you run from me.
He slipped through the door and closed it softly, then glanced over at Sokka. "I'm heading to bed. I need to get some sleep so I can wake up early. I'm going to sit with Katara until she wakes up."
Sokka immediately tensed and frowned, getting ready to argue the point, but Aang held up his hand and interrupted him before he could even get started, looking a little angry. "What do you think I'm going to do to her?" he asked with irritation clear in his voice. "She's exhausted!"
"I've been where you guys are, Aang," the older boy began, "and I know how easy it is to forget yourself in certain circumstances-"
"I'm not you, Sokka," he overrode the watertribesman pointedly, his face going cold, surprising the older boy. "I can control myself – and besides, I just said she's exhausted. I would never take advantage of her that way!"
With that he turned on his heel and stormed off down the corridor before the warrior could say anything else, and certain that upsetting the Avatar any further at this point would only result in a huge argument where hurtful things could be said, Suki slapped a hand over her boyfriend's mouth, giving him a little glare.
Sokka blinked, caught off-guard.
"Stuff it. Aang's right. You need to leave them alone. You sure have no room to be criticizing anyone, anyway, now do you?" she stated, eyeing him sternly. "Now, let's go. We should go back to the ball and let the others know what's going on so they don't worry when they realize Aang's disappeared, not to mention Katara."
After a moment, Sokka grudgingly acquiesced, only glancing back in the direction the monk had headed once before Suki hauled him forcefully in the direction of the ballroom. He pouted, but his girl merely pinched him on the inside of his arm, making him shudder and rub his poor arm fiercely at the sharp pain.
"Ow, ow, ow! Watch it, Suki!" he yelled grouchily, shooting her a dirty look.
"Don't make me tie you up, Sokka," she warned, returning the look twofold. "I mean it. Leave them alone."
The water tribe teen sulked for the rest of the night, but he knew better than to argue with Suki when she was in this mood – unless he wanted to be laid out by his girlfriend.
This is what I get for dating a female warrior, he grumbled inwardly.
Then he grinned. On the other hand... being laid out could be interesting, he thought, rubbing his chin and eyeing his beautiful girl.
Very interesting.
And with that, all thoughts of Aang and his sister disappeared from his head as he began planning out how to get himself into just that position – laid out beneath Suki.
~A~
A/N: I'm really struggling to get back into my writing, and it sucks. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be able to write like I used to. But I'm still trying, so I guess that's something? Well, anyway, hope at least a few people enjoy this little one-shot. Now... on to something else. Maybe I'll get to working on Touched by a Spirit part 2 again.
Amber