In all my years on my planet, I don't think I've ever encountered anything that I couldn't deal with, EXCEPT, living with Chris Redfield. Don't get me wrong, I love the man with all my heart but sometimes I have to stop and think "Gee, I chose this guy." Take two weeks ago for example…
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"By the way Chris, do you know what next Friday is?" I ask my handsome lover. His confused green eyes meet with mine. "Ugh yeah? It's a movie with Ice Cube and that other guy who looks like Rudy from Fat Albert." He answers and to make matters worse, he's completely serious. "No, I mean a week from this Friday. Do you remember what it is?" I blink and tilt my head. He takes a moment to think before answering. "Ugh, President Graham takes his annual crap?" I laugh at his stupid joke about the President. That was his theory on why Graham was such a prick. Now, he's just being silly. I sigh and shake my head slowly. "No…" I begin, sounding hopeless. "…I mean its THAT too. But its something else." I hint at him. Chris thinks long and hard for a final time. "Rosh-hashana-na-na? Y'know when Jewish people get together a put on a variety show?" He does his stupid giggle and I start to get annoyed.
"No Christopher! It's our ANNIVERSARY!" I snap, feeling my heart break a little. "No kiddin'? See, this is why I need a personal assistant." He shrugs. He was very adamant about hiring an assistant but we both know he doesn't need one. His Blackberry is very capable of reminding him of important dates.
With hurt in my eyes, I look at him. "You forgot again, didn't you?" I lower my head, expecting his obvious response. "Maybe." He says with a grin on his face. He moves closer to me and wraps his arms around my waist. "Oh hey, Leon, you got something in your ear there. What the hell? What?" He nearly scares the shit out of me. My head snaps up and I see him standing there with a diamond ring. "What is this?" He's beaming now.
"Chris, you got a me ring?! It's beautiful!" I exclaim as he slides the ring on my finger. I give him a deep kiss and he blushes.
"Ah, its nothin'… I mean, they did charge me up the asshole for it. I had to sell my ALF DVD Collector's Box Set and my 7th Heaven blooper reel, where Stephen Collins says 'Jesus Christ! I just stubbed my goddamn toe.' Boy, did the network try to keep that under wraps!"
I chuckle at his joke. He always knew how to cheer me up even when I thought it was hopeless. "Well, I think you are the sweetest man in the world." I swoon and wrap my arms around him.
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Okay, so he did get me a ring for our anniversary but I had to ask him more than once before he knew what that Friday was. Like I said before, I love Chris to death - he's such a sweet man and he means well most of the time but it's almost impossible to get him to help out around the house. I'm the one who has to cook, clean, and take care of all the bills while he lounges around, stuffing food into his mouth, and playing XBOX. It's unbelievable how he's the man that survived Raccoon City, Africa, Edonia, and China!
Like this one time….
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"Jesus Fucking Christ, Chris!" I cry out as look around my living room. It's a complete mess! There are beer cans strewn across the floor, a plastic cup that's filled with cigarette butts- NOT to mention the burns on my rug, paper plates all over my coffee table with food still on them! To top it all off, he's got fucking crumbs on my suede couch! "My LIVING ROOM!" I think I'm having a mini panic attack. I was never one to tolerate messes and for someone who was in the 'Service', he should be extremely neat and organized.
"Leon, relax. You've been away for a month at some training workshop and the first thing you do is yell at me?" Chris rolls his eyes and dismisses me.
"YES! You were responsible for MY livingroom! I leave for a month and I come home to find my house destroyed!" I scream as I point to the mess around him. "That's it Chris! I could tolerate your fucking fling with Piers but I CANNOT tolerate this anymore! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" I yell as I throw the Pepsi bottle at him. It connects and hits him right on his stomach.
I storm upstairs into my bedroom, which like the livingroom, is also in complete shambles.
I'm trembling due to my anger. I'm just about ready to kill the sonuvabitch.
"Leon! Calm down! It ain't so bad!" Great, now the asshole is following me? I choose to ignore my partner as I move to inspect the damage in my bathroom. The bathroom smells like mildew, the floor is disgusting, the sink is covered in soap scum and he broke my toilet! My eyes went wide. This motherfucker broke my toilet!
"CHRIS…" I say through grit teeth. "… I swear, if you do not leave this house I will stab you in your esophagus." I threaten him as I reach for my combat knife. He must know I'm serious. His turns pale and nearly runs out my house.
Here I am; angry, tired, hungry and forced to clean up his messes.
(3 WEEKS LATER)
"What do you want?" I spat when I open my front door to see Chris standing there. He looks like shit. He's gained weight, he hasn't shaved, and I think he smells.
"Leon," He begins. " I'm sorry for destroying your house. I wasn't expecting you to be back so soon. I also know that you weren't angry about the mess, you were angry because of my cheating on you while we were in China." He grabs my hands and kisses them. "I know you had just found out about it right before you left. You were hurt and I understand." Damn it! Chris knows me better than I would have ever guessed.
"Too bad you didn't understand, then." I hiss and snatch my hand away. "Let's face it Chris, had Piers survived you would've left in a heartbeat for him." He winces at that comment. He stays silent because the bastard knows its true.
Finally, after what seems like an eternity of silence, Chris looks up at me with such hurt and pain in his eyes. I can't help but to want to hold him. "Look, I know I haven't been the perfect spouse…" He begins again. "I drink too much and the leave the cans around the house."
"Yeah" I blink. "You do, do that." I agree.
"I may be thoughtless." He says.
"No, you're not." I respond.
"I may be sloppy." Chris admits.
"Well, a little." I fudge the truth just a tad bit.
" I may be stupid." He shrugs
"Yeah, a lot." This time I couldn't help but to agree
Chris gives me a dry look and I grin. "But you're mine." I purr as I kiss his lips lovingly. He deepens the kiss and pushes me inside my house. The door slams shut and he shoves me on the couch. Now he's onto of me, pushing my shirt up. He attacks my neck with his mouth which causes me to moan.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I push myself to sit up and stop him from his kissing attack.
"What if one day a rapist attacks me?" I giggle, its highly unlikely. Chris knows that I'm more than capable of defending myself. After all, I DID save the President's daughter single handedly.
"I'd use that fucker to mop up the streets." He growls and gently bites my neck.
"You would?" I tease.
"Hell yeah, I've got a hell of a left hook." He points out. It's true, he can knock anyone out.
"What if he was big?" I like teasing him a lot.
"Then, I've got a right hook for him too." He answers, now his hand is sliding down my jeans.
"What if it was Piers?" I smirk and raise my eyebrow. He stops everything he's doing to me and looks up at me. His emerald gaze locks with my sapphire eyes.
"I'd get a camera… Freakin' sweet." He sticks his tongue out at me as I roll my eyes. Typical Chris Redfield.
"You could be brainless, at times. You could be so witless…" He stops me by placing his finger on my lips.
"I could also be Irish." He jokes and I laugh. God, I forgot how much I love him. "But I'm still your's."
After hours of intense love making, he's holding, stroking my hair, and watching TV. I position myself to that I'm facing him again, interrupting his TV show.
"Will you finally wash the dishes when I ask you to?" I say playfully through narrow eyes. "That kind of thing is my fucking dream come true." He doesn't make eye contact with me, his eyes still fixed to the TV. "I'll do 'em when this special episode of HOUSE is through." He mutters distractedly.
"Can you empty the trash?" I ask.
"I've got a backache." Not sure if he's serious. The way he fucked me tonight, he could've thrown his back out.
"Well can you fix the toilet? I'm tired of using the guest bathroom." I explain.
"I've got a headache." Comes his quick response. Now I know he's fucking with me.
"Then at least will you vacuum the den?" That caught his attention. He looks at me blankly.
"I've got a penis."
"Then what the hell do I have, you asshole?" I roll my eyes and try to wiggle from out his grip but he only tightens it.
"I may be dopey. I may be messy. I may be Chris Redfield… And, I'm your's." He smiles which causes me to smile.
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Alright, fine so maybe living with Chris isn't so bad. I suppose I just needed to vent and get that out of my system. Looking back, I guess I made the right choice by giving Chris a chance. So what if he may be chubby now? (He's 296 pounds), he may be lazy. (Sorry, I mean 298 pounds). He may be clumsy often but he's still mine.
Fin.