'You're so beautiful...' I whisper, running my fingers over the surface of the holoimage. Her face smiles back at me, her hair let loose round her shoulders. It's one of the few rare pictures I have of her with her hair like that. My fingers reach up to touch a lock of my own hair, and my heart can't help but tug at it's place as I realize just how much I resemble her.
I never get tired of looking at this picture. Most people see a holoimage their entire lives and eventually they'll learn every last nuance and detail. It's different for me; I wake up in the mornings only to discover some new facet of her that I've never noticed before. I guess it was her final gift to me; so I would never get tired of looking at her.
Her hair.
It's even redder than mine, I realize now. I run my fingers over her cheek, wishing I could hold her, just throw my arms around her shoulders at that moment and feel the pain all melt away as she hugs me back. A tear threatens to break past my armor and I force my wrist, slapping the picture back onto the table with a loud smack.
I look at the clock. It's still too early for anyone to be up, but I am. Reliving old pains that should have worn off by now. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I ask, but as usual my heart evades the answer. I stare past the table, avoiding the picture and look determinedly at the bathroom.
'Shower.' I hear myself say, and my legs drag themselves out of bed. With awkward strides I circle around the nightstand, stripping off my jumpsuit as I cover the distance between me and the shower. Tapping the force pad, I proceed to concentrate on setting the shower temperature. Purposefully I push the buttons- three, two, point, eight. Gradual. Start.
The water bursts from the showerhead onto me, and I close my eyes in pleasure. The water runs down my skin, as I put my hand into the soap dispenser, proceeding to scrub my arms and shoulders. The water temperature begins to rise slowly, steam colliding against the force field which separates me from the rest of the world. I sigh in contentment as I escape into the water, finding solace in it's warm embrace.
Movements, routine to my fingers and hands, begin their cycle as I begin to hum softly. My mind wanders, to the day's schedule. Training modules fill my morning, as a slight tinge of regret enters my mind. Why did it have to be Thursday? I ask myself, sighing as I reach into the dispenser for more soap. After that I would be free for only a half hour before class, and Vane with his Stellar Cartography, uch. I'd rather spend time in the sims, I thought. My mind wanders forward to the end of the day, and I smile as I remember what the end of three hours of Stellar C with Professor Vane meant. If Thursday had one reprieve, it was the free time I could spend with he-whose-name-must-not-be-mentioned-lest-he-turn-out-not-to-be-a-real-person-and-disappears-forever. I nearly burst my mouth as I thought of the cute things he would say to try and impress me, oh-so-cliché but sweet and earnest he was. XR was jealous of him, for crying out loud. XR! The self-proclaimed love machine was jealous over my boyfriend. I was still having problems coming to terms with it.
I lean forward, letting the water run over my face and eyes. My hair, which is in the way, is lifted out of the way by my hands, as-
Her hair.
After eternity I remember just where I am and quickly finish my shower, running the water through my hair and hitting the Dry button with more force than I really need to. The energy waving over my body as I stand still, fidgeting impatiently.
The cycle completes, and I tap the force pad once more. Running over to my nightstand, I grab the picture, facing her to me. Anger rises in me, angry at myself as I stare intently at the picture, searching desperately for any cracks or fractures in the frame. I couldn't believe how I'd treated it just now; slamming it like that. All because I couldn't let anything break past my tough-girl exterior. Stammering apologies, I clutch the picture closely to me, the beginnings of tears forming behind my eyes. What if I'd broken it? If XR couldn't recover the image? How could I do that to my mother?
I broke down, I think. I couldn't be sure through all the pain and confusion I was feeling. It hurt so much... How could I miss someone I didn't even know? It was crazy, I thought, crazy, but I cried anyway, just to be sure.
'I'm sorry...' I whipser as I bring the picture up to my face. She was smiling; she always was, despite everything I did and said. 'I hate you!' I'd once screamed in a fit of misdirected angst. 'How the hell could you leave me like that?'
Of course, she kept smiling. But I wasn't sure if the glimmer in her eyes was her usual hope, or the beginnings of a tear.
She was beautiful in that picture. She was beautiful. I wished so much she could be here with me, so I could tell her how beautiful she was. Buzz had said that the picture could never do her justice; he'd known my mother. Breathtaking, he said. Father was so devastated when she died; the whole planet was, losing their young queen like that. It was as if they lost their way after that, father especially. He became sick for such a long time, and he used to talk to her when he thought there was no one there. He could never have suspected that there was someone listening, a little girl hiding behind the palace tapestries, crying together with him as he vainly called out her name.
'I love you, mother!' I cried, the tears falling now. One caught on the edge of the picture, rolling down over the side onto the carpet. How many times had I cried onto this picture, this very face who kept trying to reassure me. If I tried, I could remember all those nights spent in endless wailing, calling her and calling her and calling and calling...
She wouldn't come back though. I cried and I cried but she wouldn't come back. It wasn't fair. If you tried hard enough, cried hard enough, and went through enough pain they were supposed to come back. You deserved it, in return for all the years of crying yourself to sleep. You deserved to get them back.
The anger which had subsided a few moments ago rose again within me. I looked at her, at her smile and her regal face. I took her away from all the people who loved her, I thought. If I hadn't been born she wouldn't have died, and father wouldn't have been so crushed. She'd be alive, alive... And I'd look upon her from heaven, watching father smile again- It'd been so long- and hear to her laugh...
If only I hadn't been born.
Maybe everyone would quit telling me it wasn't my fault if I went and showed them. Of course it was my fault; she died because of me! I needed her so, so much but I was the one who'd taken her away from everyone else in the first place.
Maybe that was why it hurt so badly. Maybe I deserved to have my heart cut out every time I looked at her. Because I was the one who'd killed her.
***
It was nearly eight thirty when I'd stopped crying. I was still naked, curled up on the floor beside my bed with the holoimage curled tightly between my fingers. My hair fell over my eyes as I sobbed, running my hands over her face. I wanted her so badly...
My hands, weak from the stillness, turned the picture face down. I couldn't take it any more. I wanted it to stop, and I knew I was going to start all over again if I looked at her.
I had to get up. I was already late for the sims. If I had to face a punctuality lecture from Buzz now I could break in front of everyone and that would be the end of it. I'd have all those people looking at me, some in confusion, some in sympathy. I would see the compassion in their eyes as they felt sorry for me, but I didn't want that. I'd had enough of being sorried for. I shouldn't be pitied. I wasn't the one who'd died.
I put on a fresh jumpsuit as I tied my hair, occupying my mind with random math as I did my best not to be reclaimed by the feelings which had eaten at me earlier. It couldn't happen. Musn't happen.
I was out the door a half minute later. Down the corridor, into the turbolift. Turn right at Level C9, two more lefts, and I could just make out Buzz at the end of the corridor, addressing the rest of the cadets who were standing at attention in front of the simulators. I ran faster, nearly panting as I skidded into line behind Julia Panansky.
'-part of what we will be doing this morning. Good day, cadet Nova.' Buzz said, his formality never leaving him.
'I'm sorry I'm late, sir.' I said, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. I wasn't sure if they could tell; I hoped they wouldn't. The last thing I needed...
'No problem, Anne.' He said, getting back to his previous speech, leaning slightly on his cane as he pointed to the hologram being emitted from the hoverdroid. 'Remember that at high-speeds, your maneuverability will be limited by-'
'Hey Anne.' Julia whispered, fading Buzz out of my thoughts. 'Why're you late?'
For the briefest of moments, I contemplated telling her everything. About how I'd cried my eyes out on my bedroom floor. About how much I needed her. About why everyone would understand if you'd lost a friend, but not a mother you were never supposed to know.
But you do know me, a little voice whispered.
My lips curled upwards in the tiniest of smiles.
'I'll tell you later,' I said as Buzz continued to drone.
Inside, I felt happy.