Iron Chef: Amestris

Alright, I don't own: FMA, Iron Chef, Forrest Gump, or the Matrix. The latter only gets a slight mention.

Right, so this is just a stupid idea, it gets screwy in the end. It's split into chapters, but I wrote it as a oneshot. It just got too long.

Read and review, thanks!

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"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another exciting episode of Iron Chef: Amestris!" Lights flickered on revealing a large stage. Film began rolling, cameramen busy at their station, applause loud from the audience.

Standing in the middle of the stage, between two identical kitchen setups, microphone in hand, was the host, Maes Hughes. Eyes twinkling behind his glasses, he pulled out a picture of his daughter, "Plus! I've got a new photo of my daughter!" He cooed, voice giddy with excitement.

"Lieutenant Colonel Hughes! Sir!" A voice hissed from behind the set, Fuery's bespectacled face appeared, a microphone attached to his head, clipboard in hand, "Please, sir! Put the picture away!"

"But look how adorable she is!" Hughes said, turning to Fuery, kissing the picture. One could literally see the love in the shape of floating pink hearts around his head. "And!" He reached into his pocket, "A new picture of Gracia!"

"Sir! The show! Continue with the show!" Feury jabbed a finger towards the audience. It happens every time, the audience loves it though. Fuery sighed.

"Oh right, the show." Hughes coughed, straightened out his cloth and gave the audience a smile. "Anyways, I'm sure you would all love to see more pictures of my adorable child and lovely wife, but we've got a show to film. So, I present to you today's competitors!"

A smokescreen covered the stage, with a hiss two platforms began to rise. People stood on the rising platforms and as the smoke settled were revealed.

"On your left, is the Flame Alchemist!" Stepping out of the smoke, white chef's garb replacing his normal blue military uniform stood the state alchemist, "Colonel Roy Mustang!"

Enormous applause rose from the audience, screaming fan girls swarmed towards the stage only to be held back by a row of imposing soldiers. Mustang flashed a smile and the applause rose an octave. In the front row sat Ross and Brosh. Next to them were other military personnel bearing banners and other commodities.

"His assistants, Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc and Major Alex Armstrong!" The three stepped out and stood behind Roy. Armstrong was shirtless, flexing his muscles and Riza clicking the safety off on her two pistols, glaring at the fan girls. Havoc stood, nonchalant, with another cigarette in his mouth, eyeing the mob of girls and wondering why they didn't go crazy over him.

"On your left, is the Full Metal Alchemist!" A slightly smaller figure walked forward, also donning a white chef's uniform, visibly grimacing at his cloth, was the competing alchemist, "Edward Elric!"

Another wave of applause washed through the crowd. Izumi sat in the back, next to her husband who was carrying a butcher's knife and a banner reading, "Go Full Metal Alchemist!". Next to them were the other homunculi, save for Gluttony.

"His assistant and brother Alphonse Elric, his automail mechanic Winry Rockbell and…" Hughes lowered the microphone and gave a slightly dumbfounded look as the third figured stepped forward. Hesitant, he raised the microphone, "And…Envy?"

Almost everyone on the set and in the audience gave a look of disbelief and confusion.

"Envy?" Ed shouted. "You mean I'm supposed to work with this guy?" Immediately he raised his fist.

"Brother, please calm down." Al said, in his hollow, far away voice, trying to restrain his brother.

"I'm sorry Ed, we couldn't find another person." Fuery suddenly appeared, an apologetic smile on his face.

"Whaddya mean you couldn't find another person?" Ed shouted, struggling to escape Al's arms, trying to punch Envy.

"Aw, poor Full Metal, not happy with my company?" Envy taunted.

"Shut your big mouth! Do I look happy to you?"

"Eh, well, in any case! Today's secret ingredient!" Hughes exclaimed, finger pointing towards a large concealed platter. All attention turned to the secret ingredient, cameras directed towards the plate, Ed and Envy were ignored.

Hughes strode over the platter, "And the ingredient is…!"