The Day I Tried to Live

By: DuJour

Disclaimer: I lay no claim to any characters other than Tess – the rest belong to the Wachowski brothers, god bless 'em.

A/N: This whole Tess thing started after my third viewing of Reloaded when I began to think about Soren - I felt bad for him and thought he needed a woman.  The next morning I woke up with the character of Tess firmly implanted in my brain and began writing Reflection.  I originally intended it to be more of a Soren-related story, but Tess ended up taking over and I thought there was much more I could explore with her.  Is she a Mary-Sue?  Maybe. But I'm way too old to be using OCs for wish fulfillment fantasies (plus, she's with Soren for god's sake!) I just always wanted to write about someone else's take on the whole red pill/blue pill decision (from a female perspective) and the experience of being unplugged.  This has been explored frequently with Trinity's character, so I decided to go back and write about Tess's experience.  I also wanted to explain why Trinity insisted on bringing Tess into the real world – and to explore a softer, more maternal, side of Trinity.  I hope this helps explain things a bit.

BTW, props to Karen for the beta read and to an old Soundgarden song for the title.  

I stared down at the two pills laid out on the table before me, each resting on its own tiny white plate.  Red on the left, blue on the right, identical apart from their color.  There was nothing remarkable about either of them, but they were fascinating all the same.  I'd been told that whichever pill I chose would determine my fate.  These mysterious strangers – people that I had just met, that I had let whisk me away in the middle of the night - were asking me to put my complete trust in them, and to allow my future to be decided by a tiny little pill.  I can't believe I ever got in the car with them.

The man in the front passenger seat introduced himself to me as Morpheus.  The young Asian man in the driver's seat was called Ghost.  I sat in the back with Trinity, who I recognized from our encounter earlier in the alleyway. 

This is how all this began.  I saw something I wasn't supposed to have seen in that alley.  Strange men doing things I never would have believed possible if I hadn't actually seen them with my own eyes.  And now, according to Morpheus and Trinity, I was in danger because of it.  They called me in the middle of the night to meet them in front of my building.  And for reasons I'm still not quite able to comprehend, I complied.

The ride was eerily quiet.  I suppose I should've asked more questions, but it just didn't seem like the thing to do.  I immediately trusted Trinity, though I wasn't sure why.  I didn't know her from Adam (or should I say Eve – her leather catsuit certainly did nothing to conceal her femininity).  It was the other two that I wasn't sure about.  Trinity seemed to trust them, so I decided to do the same until they gave me reason not to.

Though not as quiet as Ghost, Morpheus seemed to be rather prudent with his words.  While in the car, all he told me was that they picked me up because I was in danger, and that if I wanted to live, I would have to come with them.  He also made it clear that it was Trinity's decision to return for me, not his.  How considerate of him, I remember thinking sarcastically.

The only other thing that Morpheus told me during our short ride was that I should be prepared to say goodbye to everything I knew, because if I agreed to accompany them, I would never see anything or anyone I knew again.

Surprisingly, that was the least of my concerns.  There wasn't much holding me to life here, anyway.  I was barely making ends meet working in the lab while I tried to finish my dissertation, which was going nowhere.  I had all but given up the idea of completing my PhD.  Between work and school I hadn't had time for close friendships let alone a romantic relationship, and it had been over three years since I'd spoken to my parents.

There was only one thing holding me back and that was the idea of never seeing my brother again.  I was closer to Simon than anyone else in the world.  That was the way it worked with twins.  Though we now lived in separate cities, we remained close.  Whenever I needed anything, I knew I could call my twin brother and he would help me out.  He always had my back.  It was hard to think that I might never see him again.

But it wouldn't be forever, I remember thinking.  I'll hide out for awhile until this all blows over and then things will be back to normal.  Right?

We pulled up to an abandoned garage somewhere deep in the maze of industrial warehouses not far from the hematology lab where I worked.  The car pulled into one of the garage bays and stopped with the engine left running.  Morpheus and Ghost exchanged acknowledging nods.

"This is where we get out," Morpheus said without looking back at either myself or Trinity.  He exited the front passenger seat and closed the door behind him.  As if waiting for this cue, Trinity got out as well. Ghost stayed in the car; apparently he was just the chauffer.  Trinity walked around to my side of the car and opened the door, signaling me to get out.  But I couldn't.  I was stuck to my seat, suddenly gripped with fear.  What the hell was I doing here? I thought.  If I follow them into that garage, I'll never make it out alive. 

"Come on, Tess – its okay," Trinity said assuringly, hoping to coax me out of the car to join them. 

What is it about her voice? I thought. Why do I feel safer when she speaks to me? 

I relented at her gentle pleading and stepped out of the car, closing the door behind me.  The car backed out of the garage and sped away as I was left standing between Morpheus and Trinity, about to face the unknown. 

Now the unknown was staring right back at me. 

I picked up and fingered the red pill, watching Morpheus's expressionless gaze as I did.  I took note of its simplicity, its translucence.  I noticed how unremarkable it looked.  How superficially harmless it seemed.  What was so special about this pill? I thought.  How could such a little thing change my life?

I set the red pill back down on its plate and picked up the blue one, looking for any change in Morpheus's expression.  I saw none, but I could almost feel Trinity staring at me from behind, her eyes boring into the back of my skull.  She doesn't want me to take this pill, I thought.

I carefully examined the blue pill as I had done with the red one.  This pill had an aura of comforting familiarity that the red pill lacked - a cautious serenity that was almost as if it were tempting me to take it.  The idea of putting this pill in my mouth seemed rational.  It seemed sane.  It seemed right. 

I opened my mouth and placed the blue pill on my tongue, thinking it would slide effortlessly down my throat and that would be the end of it.  I would return home and forget about this ridiculous Matrix business. I wasn't really in danger. No one would be coming after me. They were just trying to scare me.

I allowed a bit excess saliva to pool in my mouth and involuntarily relaxed my throat muscles, preparing to ingest the pill.  As it slid down my tongue and headed for my esophagus, I began to relax, anxious to put an end to all this silliness.

Then, suddenly, the pill stopped its descent.  It had lodged itself somewhere near my tonsils.  I gagged and gasped for air, but couldn't find any.

I was choking on the blue pill.

Instinctively, I bent my head down between my knees and tried my hardest to hack it up.  I was finally able to cough and the pill dislodged itself from my windpipe and was again resting on my tongue.

Feeling certain this was a sign that I made the wrong choice, I spat the blue pill out onto the dirty garage floor, snatched the red pill from the table, and swallowed it down with the glass of water that had been provided for me before I had a chance to reconsider. 

"Good girl," I heard Morpheus say as I closed my eyes and attempted to come to terms with what I had just done. I kept my eyes closed because I was afraid to open them.  I took a deep breath and swallowed hard, waiting for the effects of the pill to kick in, expecting to feel somehow different.  I didn't.  The only thing that felt any different was that someone was now gently stroking my hair.  It was Trinity, in an apparent attempt to comfort me. 

"Let's get her in the chair."

I opened my eyes as I felt two sets of hands on each of my arms, helping me off the wooden crate where I had been sitting.  I couldn't understand why they thought I needed help getting up until I realized how dizzy I was when I tried to stand.  My legs had suddenly turned to jelly.

Morpheus and Trinity lead me into a small room just off to the side of the larger garage that I hadn't noticed when they first brought me here.  What used to be an office was now transformed into a crude computer workstation complete with stacks of processors and monitors, tangles of wire, some very ancient looking modems and what appeared to be some outdated medical equipment.  I recognized something that looked like an old EKG machine that we had back in the lab.   Sitting in the middle of it all was a wooden high-back chair that had been modified with locking footrests and leather restraint straps. 

There were two people in the room, attending to the equipment.  A young man with wavy black hair was sitting behind one of the computers while a rather androgynous-looking blonde woman seemed to be monitoring the medical equipment.  Neither did more than casually glance at me as I was led into the room.

As I scanned the room checking out this menacing setup, my first instinct was to get the hell out of there as fast as possible.  But I knew better.  I was beginning to feel so lethargic; I doubted my legs could have carried me if I tried to run.  My mind wanted to panic, but my body wouldn't allow it. 

Everything seemed to slow down.  My vision was becoming blurry, my head was swimming, and I felt heavy all over, like I'd just stepped out of the pool with all my clothes on.  Voices were beginning to muffle behind the odd humming in my ears.

What the hell was in that pill? I thought.

I felt myself being lowered into the chair.  I could just make out the figure of Morpheus in front of me placing my feet into the footrests and locking them in place.  Without a word to me, he then stood up and secured the leather straps snuggly around my arms.  Finally, he reached around me and pulled the thick leather strap around my waist and attached it to the back of the chair.

I closed my eyes again, lids too heavy to remain open much longer.  I felt Trinity's hand brush an errant strand of hair from my forehead. 

"It's not too tight is it?" she asked.

"No" I managed to say, but my voice sounded odd – much higher pitched than usual, with a strange echo.

It took me a minute to realize that she was still speaking to me as she began to place what I could only assume were electrodes on my body.  She attached them to each arm, my neck, and my chest, even lifting up my blouse to attach one to my side. Despite my increasingly sedated state, I could feel gooseflesh form on abdomen as she brushed her fingers against my skin.

"Try to relax, Tess.  I'm right here with you," she whispered in my ear as she smoothed my blouse back down, re-covering my exposed torso.  "I know you're scared, but it will all be over soon and we'll have lots to talk about."

I tried to nod my head to show her that I was okay, but I wasn't sure if my gesture came across.  It's true; I wasn't scared anymore - not at that point.  I was growing too sedated to remain frightened.  I was just so very tired.  All I wanted to do was to relax into her beautiful, soothing voice and drift away.

My bliss was momentarily interrupted by the feeling of a pin prick somewhere in the vicinity of my right arm.  I was able to open my eyes just enough to see a hypodermic needle sliding slowly into the back of my hand.  My arm muscles momentarily twitched at the feeling and I felt a tingling sensation crawling up my arm, spreading first to my chest, then to my entire body.  Once the sensation had engulfed me, I was unable to move.

I was now completely at the mercy of the red pill.    

"Is she ready, Trinity?"  I heard Morpheus ask.

"As ready as she'll ever be," Trinity answered.

"Apoc, let me know when you get a signal." Morpheus said to someone behind me.  "Switch, watch her vitals.  We don't want a repeat of last time."

Last time? I thought.  What the hell happened last time?

That was the last conscious thought I had before I was seized by a chilling sensation that traveled from the tips of my toes up through my legs, into my torso, down my arms and back again. It was a horribly painful sensation, one that burned as well as it chilled - what I imagined frostbite must feel like, only much, much worse. 

The chill continued to snake slowly up my spine, finally settling in the base of my skull where I was sure the pain would kill me.  I tried to scream out, hoping that maybe someone could stop this before it was too late, but I   was completely paralyzed.  I could not speak, I could not breathe.  I could only feel my heart pounding faster and faster in my chest; and just when I thought that it might explode from fright - nothing.  Blackness overwhelmed all my senses and as far as I knew, at that moment I ceased to be.

In a way, that is exactly what happened.