Sometimes, Silena can't tell the difference between the red nail polish on her fingernails and the blood coating her hands. Because it drips in perfect, dangerously beautiful crimson drops and it poisons everything she touches and it's toxic but so, so beautiful and no one else can see it.
Sometimes, Silena wonders why the feeling of blood on her hands feels so… so… perfect. Beautiful. As if it belongs there. It's because you're a traitor, is what she tells herself at night. It's because you're a coward with the blood of warriors on your hands and telling yourself that it's still beautiful, that poisonous blood is still beautiful, is the only thing you can do. After all, being beautiful is the only thing she can do.
Sometimes, Silena doesn't know why people still think she's beautiful when she knows that she's a lying, cheating, cowardly, pathetic, traitorous, ugly murderer. She wonders why they still think she's a good person when she sneaks out every night to whisper secrets into Kronos's ear because why would she want Olympus's side to win? Why would she want to people who saved her life so many times over to win?
Sometimes, Silena worries that someone will see the blood on her hands. She worries that someone will see the poisonous crimson drops and realize that she shouldn't still be alive when people like Lee Fletcher and Castor are dead. But other times she almost wants them to see it. She wants someone to see the blood on her hands so that it can all stop. So that they can do whatever they do to traitors with warrior blood on their hands and so that there won't be any other traitors like her to bring the downfall of Olympus.
Sometimes, Silena gets a thrill from the fact that she's a murderer and no one knows it. She feels a rush of adrenaline when Lacy chatters on and on about Nyssa and the charm bracelet the daughter of Hephaestus had made for her and, later, she sneaks into the forge and finds the bracelet. Silena feels something in her that burns brighter when she see's Lacy wearing a charm bracelet tainted with the blood on her hands.
Sometimes, Silena feels disgusted with the things she's done. She hurls curses at herself over and over again and scrubs at her hands forever and even cuts them on arrows and small knives, calling herself a klutz, in the hope that her own blood will wash away the warrior blood. (It doesn't. But then again, what was she expecting? She's no warrior.)
Sometimes, Silena looks around at the hands around her. She'll glance at Clarisse's hands and Austin's hands and then she'll glare back down at hers.
Because Clarisse's are the hands of a fighter and Austin's are the hands of a musician and her's are the hands of a murderer.
So, some Silena angst because it's not like I have enough of that on my profile.