Chapter 1
Regina had been dreading this particular day since the moment she watched Robin Hood, the man she loved, sacrifice himself for her. The aforementioned moment refers to the point in which she knew that she would be expected to do the unthinkable… move on with everyone else.
Regina could hear the telltale signs of a Storybrook morning taking place in her home. She could smell coffee brewing, the scent of cooking eggs and bacon wafting through the air, and, naturally, a light hint of cinnamon. She could hear the sounds of Henry and Emma bickering playfully as Emma prepared breakfast, and Henry for school. She could slightly hear Snow and Charming conversing casually with one another, like they would on any other morning. And to them, other than the fact that this morning's events were transpiring in Regina's kitchen rather than in the Charmings' loft, it really was an ordinary morning.
Regina took a brief second to be thankful that Emma possessed the good sense to leave her one-hand-wonder, recently resurrected pirate of a boyfriend at home, and keep him far away from Regina. When Regina had first seen Hook come waltzing back into Granny's after Robin's funeral to check on Emma's wellbeing, she literally had to fight the urge to vomit. And when he then went on to explain his return to the land of the living, and his absurdly good luck and fortune that could only be the universe's way of rewarding him for being with the savior, Regina had to force herself to remain rooted in her booth and not tear him limb from limb. Because he did not deserve to live when Robin no longer could.
Emma, Snow, Charming and, of course, Henry, refused to leave Regina alone since Robin Hood's death. They insisted on practically uprooting their life from Snow's loft space into Regina's spacious mayor's mansion. Although Regina was slightly moved by their obvious display of compassion and support for her, she wanted nothing more than for all of them to just leave her alone. Even Henry. How could she possibly mourn her love the way that she needed to with the Charmings keeping her under constant surveillance? And how, how, could she allow herself to truly break down in front of her beloved son? Regina had long since decided that she would never allow others to perceive a weakness in her. But to be honest, she was completely running out of energy.
Almost everything made her want to sink to the ground, curl up into a fetal position, and sob her eyes out. She couldn't look anywhere, at anything or anyone, and not somehow see the absence of Robin Hood. In Storybrook, she would glance at any street or structure and see a place where he used to walk. A place where she could perhaps see him walking to meet her, or a place they had walked together. Not to mention what it did to her seeing Roland… She truly could not allow herself to think about the precious little boy, because the weight of his grief over the loss of his father on top of hers truly was too much for her. When she looked at Snow and Charming, she remembered the ways in which they had relentlessly encouraged her to pursue and cultivate her relationship with Robin Hood, and finally find the happy ending they insisted she deserved. She looked at Henry and saw the infinite and unwavering love he seemed to have for her, and how he had always said that Robin saw her the same way that he did: as a strong, heroic woman worthy of love. She looked at Emma and Hook… and she saw the reason for her loss. Of course she knew it wasn't really their fault, as it was Hades who took Robin's life, but she was unable to quell the vicious resentment she felt towards both of them, seeing as it was Emma's idea to chase Hook to the lowest pits of hell that caused them to encounter Hades in the first place. The list of things Regina was unable to look at stretched on endlessly, and she was unsure how much more her breaking heart could bear.
In the week since Robin's funeral, Snow and Charming had virtually taken care of everything for Regina. They had maintained her home's appearances, temporarily managed her obligations as the town's mayor, and kept those wishing to offer their condolences and pay their respects at bay. While her parents directly tended to Regina, Emma made sure that everything that Henry needed was handled, while Henry was doing everything he could to try and return the light to Regina's eyes. Regina, meanwhile, although there were constantly people in her home, had hardly managed to leave her bedroom. More specifically, her closet. She was comforted by the enclosed space. She truly longed to return to her vault, but knew that if she did this she would alarm her friends into thinking she was reverting back to the evil queen, and that it would never be permitted. In reality, it had nothing at all to do with the magic within the vault, it simply was the place Regina had always been able to go to be completely alone with herself. Except, of course, for the best 'sleep' of her life, when she allowed Robin to pass the evening with her there. She yearned to be within the locked, soundproof doors of her vault, where she could truly be alone with herself and the memory of her beloved Robin Hood. But alas, she settled for the confines of her closet.
Regina knew that this particular day was the one to be dreaded, because it was the designated day that Henry would return to school. The rest of Regina's Storybrook family would be unable to continue indulging her in this post-Robin Hood purgatory any longer. Life would return to normal, and Regina would soon be expected to keep up. And she knew that she would not be able to do so.
She wanted to be strong, and to press on. She wanted to be the alluring, often intimidating, always put-together mayor that Storybrook had grown accustomed to. She would give anything to be able to be that person, but Regina knew that she did not exist anymore. In truth, Regina felt completely broken down, weary with grief, exhausted with attempting to maintain appearances, unbelievably aggravated with accepting insignificant condolences, and mostly… she just desperately missed the man that she loved.
Regina missed Robin Hood so much that it physically pained her. She missed his sandy blonde hair and entrancingly beautiful blue eyes. She missed the rugged and manly way that he dressed, and the way he always smelled of forest. A smell that had become infinitely comforting and beautiful to her. She missed the sound of his voice, so masculine and accented, yet so soft and loving. She missed the way he looked at her. She missed the way his calloused and skilled hands felt on her body. She missed his adoring, goofy, crooked smile that he seemed to always be wearing. She missed watching him lovingly father his son. She missed the way that he looked walking towards her, and she missed how she felt knowing that in just seconds, she would get to be with him. She missed the way it felt when he said he would come over and spend the night with her. She missed what it was like waking up the next morning in his arms. Everything. She missed everything.
She missed him in the same way that she had when he was alive, like when she had to work long hours at the office and was unable to see him, or when he had to lead a hunt with the Merry men, or tend to Roland. But now she was faced with the fact that the endless yearning would never again be fulfilled. And she was completely haunted by that knowledge. There was no relaxing and comforting understanding that, although she missed him desperately in the moment, she would see him soon and everything would be okay. Now there was just nothing to pull her through the day. Every hour that passed seemed to drag on endlessly for her, and each second ached.
At least during the interim of the past week, she wasn't expected to do anything other than mourn her loss. But now… Now what was she supposed to do?
Regina forced herself to get out of her bed. She walked over to her vanity, and briefly glanced over her makeup products and hair tools, before realizing that she had less than zero inclination towards using any of them. Instead, she went into her closet and selected an outfit for herself. Certainly nothing worthy of her typical appearance, but not completely revolting either. She settled on a cashmere, black, v-necked sweater, and her traditional, 'sensible', black pants. She pulled her most plain pair of short black heels on beneath the cuffs of her pants, and then returned to her room. She briefly glanced in the full length mirror, just so she could make sure her outfit wasn't completely unsuitable for company. Once deciding that the outfit was fine enough, she left her dark, breast-length, layered black hair down and untouched, and mustered the strength to leave the bedroom.
Just walking through the hallway to the kitchen was a struggle for her, as she felt Robin's absence again creeping up on her. This was going to be a painfully long day.
The slight clicking of her heels on the marble floors alerted her company of her impending arrival, and they were all waiting for her as she entered the kitchen. Snow and Charming, who were seated next to each other at her breakfast table, sipping coffee, offered soft and sympathetic smiles towards her. This would have been exceptionally irritating from anyone else, but she just knew that their portrayed emotions were completely genuine. On the other hand, Emma made an obvious effort to just continue preparing breakfast, and not make her pity obvious, as she knew that Regina would be most disgusted by a show of sympathy from her. She was certainly right about that. Henry, however, immediately leapt from his barstool and hugged Regina tightly before anyone else had a chance to say a word. She momentarily found solace in the arms of her precious son, who wholeheartedly radiated love and compassion from his embrace. She briefly allowed herself to bury her face in his hair, and relish the temporary comfort.
He pulled away after a few seconds, and Regina was brutally transported back to reality.
"Mom is making breakfast, I had her make pancakes, I know they're your favorite," Henry said to Regina sweetly, staring lovingly up at her. Regina's heart swelled with love for her son, as she appreciated his generosity and consideration more than she could express. However, the thought of actually eating something made her physically ill. Regina had hardly touched any food all week, apart from when someone was forcing her to, and she had definitely lost a few pounds. Her pants were a little loose around her hips.
"You hungry?" Emma asked casually, briefly glancing up at Regina, as she skillfully flipped three pancakes onto a plate for her. Regina did actually very much appreciate the way that Emma was working so hard not to treat her like a fragile piece of glass.
"Thank you, Henry. And thank you, Emma, I'd love a plate," Regina forced herself to get out in response. Regina could feel Snow's concerned gaze on her back, and she just knew that Snow could see right through her as she sat down in the empty seat next to her.
Emma brought the plate of pancakes over to Regina, and Henry immediately added silverware and a cup of coffee for her. Regina smiled appreciatively at both of them, and forced herself to pick up the silverware and cut up one of the pancakes as though she was about to eat. Henry lingered uncertainly for a moment, as though hoping to see Regina eat a little bit for his own comfort.
He turned his back on her for a second to speak to Emma.
"Just take a few bites. I know it hurts, but it will ease his mind, he's worried sick," Regina suddenly heard Snow whisper into her ear. Regina sighed, knowing that if it would help Henry she had no hope of resisting.
She waited for Henry to look her way again before popping a bite of the pancake into her mouth. Henry beamed as Regina struggled to ingest the sickly sweet food.
Luckily, everyone had the good sense not to be awkward and silent around her, and Emma, Snow, and Charming conducted a decent but overall inconsequential conversation to fill the room as to remove the pressure from Regina.
"Alright, kid, you've gotta get to school. You can't be late on your first day back. I'll walk you to the bus stop," Emma said to Henry, as the both of them worked to clear the plates from the table.
"Okay, I just wanna say goodbye to Mom first," Henry replied agreeably.
Regina smiled at him and rose from the table.
"I'll walk you out," she said gently, as she put her arm around his shoulders motherly. Henry's arm wrapped around her waist securely and they made their way through the hallway towards the front door.
"I love you, Henry," Regina said, taking Henry's adorable, youthful face into her hands and kissing his forehead for a long moment. Henry took both of Regina's hands into his own as hers fell from his face.
"Mom, I know how much you're hurting. I'm not a kid anymore, you don't have to be so brave all the time," Henry said to her sternly. Regina chuckled lightly, and felt herself smile at his show of strength.
"Henry, it's my job to protect you, not the other way around. Don't worry about me, the best thing you can do for me is to just have the most amazing day you can," Regina said, smiling genuinely at him. Henry grinned in response and hugged her again.
"I love you too, Mom. I'll see you as soon as school's out," Henry reminded her, referring to the fact that Regina typically picked him up from the bus stop in the afternoon while Emma dropped him off in the mornings, just as Emma joined their conversation by the front door.
"I can get him today, if that's easier for you, Regina," Emma offered before Regina had time to respond.
"I appreciate that, but I'm sure I can manage. I'll see you at 3:30, sharp," Regina said to Henry, lightly touching his nose with her index finger. He smiled again, before walking out the front door, fully adorned with backpack and scarf. Emma shot one last understanding glance back at Regina, before closing the door behind her.
Although part of her immediately missed her son, as she appreciated his love and equally hated to have him out of her sight, she was also partly relieved to not have to put up such a strong facade.
She made her way back into the kitchen, where only Snow and Charming remained. Both were at the sink cleaning the breakfast dishes. Regina realized that she really wouldn't mind having a mindless task to distract herself with, and joined them at the sink.
"Can I help with that?" she asked Snow intently, using her gaze to demonstrate to Snow just how much she wished to have something to do. Snow and Charming exchanged a knowing glance, and Charming immediately withdrew from the soapy sink.
"Of course. I should be getting to the station anyways," he responded, drying his hands off with a dish towel and putting on his classic leather jacket.
"I'll see both of you tonight," Charming said, briefly pressing his lips against Snow's forehead, and lightly touching Regina's shoulder. Regina took a moment to be amused by the fact that if Charming had come within a five foot radius of her body two years before, he would have been charred to a crisp, whereas now she actually appreciated his friendly touch.
Regina heard the sound of the front door closing again, as her and Snow finished scrubbing the dishes and loading them in the dishwasher. Unfortunately, the over ambitious individuals currently taking up residence in her home appeared to be skilled at dishwashing, as there was very little for Regina to help with.
"You know, we aren't just staying with you because we're afraid you'll become the evil queen the second we turn our backs," Snow suddenly said, just as Regina sat back down at the kitchen table. Regina was surprised by her bold statement, although she wasn't fully convinced of its truth.
"Maybe that's precisely what you should be afraid of," Regina replied, chuckling with no hint of amusement. Of course Regina knew she was completely bluffing. Snow sighed.
"Regina, don't do that. Don't shut me out. I understand you not wanting to talk to Emma or David, and I understand that you don't want to upset Henry with your pain, but this is me. You know you can be honest with me," Snow said sternly, staring intensely at her. That much was certainly true. With the long and pained history between the two women, there really was nothing to hide from one another. Each had seen both the worst and the best of the other.
Regina was immediately angry with herself when she realized that she actually did yearn to let out some of her emotions to Snow. Snow's frustratingly sincere sympathy and endlessly loving aura were proving a formidable opponent to Regina's natural wall of strength and calmness around her heart.
Much to Regina's chagrin, she actually felt a swell of emotion rising in the back of her throat, and realized that if she didn't start talking, she would definitely start crying. And that certainly was not going to be permitted.
"It's just so horrible, Snow. Everything is just horrible, everywhere I look I see him. Everything is miserable because he's not there. Going to sleep at night is miserable because he's not there, and waking up in the morning is miserable because he's not there. I feel… physically burdened by this, like I'm caring around some huge weight on my shoulders, and I can't… I can't breathe! I can't breathe, I can't sleep, I can't eat, it's all just horrible and hopeless and I just don't think I can face life without him," Regina said, the words literally just tumbling out of her mouth in a very depressing sort of avalanche.
It seemed that Regina's outburst surprised both her and Snow. Regina was certain that Snow, let alone anyone at all, had seen her express her emotions in such a way, and she could see through Snow's extremely empathetic gaze that Regina's words pained her greatly.
"Regina… I hardly even know what to say. Other than that Robin did not deserve this, and neither did you," Snow replied softly, lightly touching Regina's hand. Regina gave a laugh of derision.
"Didn't I? I feel like the horrible karma from my past brought this on him. If Robin had just been with someone who deserved him-" Regina started sadly, before Snow cut her off.
"Don't you dare! Regina, he loved you. You were soulmates-" Snow began to console her, before being interrupted by Regina this time.
"Oh, and that's the worst part, of course. We were soulmates. Robin Hood was practically advertised to me as my personal shot at happiness. He was my one true love, the one I was destined to be with. That kind of scraps the whole notion of potentially moving on, doesn't it?" Regina said snidely, laughing without any sort of humor. Snow closed her eyes sadly.
"I can understand why that would be daunting… but I just can't accept this, Regina. I can't accept that after all the wonderful change you've made in your life, letting love into your heart, and all the good that you've done, that this is the end for you. I simply can't accept that," Snow said thoughtfully.
"I don't believe the universe is so cruel. You may call me naive, but I don't believe that after all the good you've done, that the universe will continue to doll you a horrible hand. I don't accept that. Which is why… which is why I believe that this can be reversed," Snow said finally, after a very long pause.
Regina's eyes, which had been heavily fixated on the minuscule lines of the wood in the breakfast table, snapped up immediately. She was immediately infuriated that Snow would say something like that, how dare she get her hopes up like that?
"Stop. He's dead, Snow. His soul was obliterated, it was literally wiped from the face of the Earth. I, personally, have never heard of someone coming back from that, have you?" Regina snapped angrily. Snow sighed.
"I know it's hard to hear, and of course, I could be wrong… I just don't understand how that can be. How can someone go from suddenly existing, to not existing. Rumplestiltskin has always said that you simply cannot destroy magic, and I can't imagine that a soul would be that much different. Which also got me thinking…" Snow trailed off, knowing that she had sufficiently gotten Regina's attention, whether she would admit it or not.
"By all means, Snow, continue speculating about the death of the love of my life, it's extremely helpful to my mental state," Regina snarked, becoming increasingly frustrated.
"I will, thank you. It got me thinking that you should talk to Rumplestiltskin about this. He seems to frustratingly know everything, why not go and ask him?" Snow said optimistically, becoming more and more excited at the idea of saving Robin Hood and helping Regina regain the happiness she deserved.
"Oh, yes, I'm sure that Rumple would be delighted to help me, we've always had such a wonderful relationship," Regina sneered sarcastically, rolling her eyes.
"Wonderful? No. Complicated and sometimes almost lovely? Yes," Snow disagreed, smiling. Regina rolled her eyes again, in disbelief at Snow's audacity. It's not as though everyone had cosmic forces making sure that their lives worked out flawlessly, Regina couldn't help thinking bitterly.
"Quite frankly, Regina… What's the harm in asking? If you're right, nothing changes. If I'm right… You could have it all back," Snow said, leaning forward in her chair and staring at Regina intently. Damn it.