'Til Him
I want you to need me
"In love? What do you mean in love?" Carmen asked in disbelief.
"Like I said" Roger moved around him and walked up and down in the room. Carmen looked at him wide-eyed and waited for him to explain what he'd just said. But Roger simply looked down and kept on running from one room to the next.
Carmen jumped after him, til he found himself in the doorframe of their living-room. "I don't understand this."
"What's not to understand?" Roger asked looking at his friend, who kept coughing from time to time.
"You really should lie down, darling" he said in a caring voice.
But Carmen shook his head. "No, you gotta explain this to me."
"Well, he told me so" Roger replied and wanted to get past the smaller man, but he stood in the way and didn't think about stepping aside.
"He told you he is in love?"
"Look" Roger looked at him. "He'd run away."
"That far I know the story, but what in Heaven's name makes you think he's in love, then?" Carmen really was kind of stubborn.
"He'd run away and I asked him to tell me why" Roger went on. "He said, he and Max had a fight about something totally pointless and he ran away after a short while."
"Ok?" Carmen still didn't seem to understand.
"I also reacted that way, honestly" Roger agreed. "And I also asked him why he would have to run away because of a useless little fight? And do you know what he answered?"
The other man shook his head, but was listening.
"He said: 'I don't know myself. All of a sudden, I couldn't look at him anymore. I felt embarassed by his brown eyes staring at me while I acted like a fool. All I knew was I had to get out of there. I wanted to leave, to let this guy behind me. And then, when I was in the streets, I couldn't think of anything else but him'".
Roger looked at Carmen after telling him this and expected him to understand now.
Carmen on the other hand, thought about this for a moment. The he looked up to his much taller man and nodded.
"Okay, maybe you're right" he agreed. "But in love with whom?"
Roger grinned. "Can't you count that together?"
Carmen looked at him and smiled.
"What are you gonna do now?" he asked his friend, who started to run through the rooms again, as if he was searching for something.
"I have to call him" he answered.
"Do you think this is such a good idea right now? Maybe he doesn't even know about his own feelings" Carmen puzzled.
Roger nodded. "I'm quite certain Leo doesn't recognise this." He finally managed to find the phone among dozens of pink pillows in queer shapes.
"But also, I'm sure this is for the best."
Carmen watched him, but didn't move while Roger dialed the number and waited for his call to be answered.
"Max? We've found him!"
" What have we done to the world
Look what we've done
What about all the peace
That you pledge your only son...
What about flowering fields
Is there a time
What about all the dreams
That you said was yours and mine... "
When Leo opened his eyes, it seemed he had been sleeping for ages. He didn't quite know if it simply was because of his own tiredness, which he suddenly noticed after days - Roger said he was away for over a week - or simply the fact that he started to notice it again, after speaking about his feelings. His greatest fear was to carry this along forever, not knowing what to do or what went wrong. He felt a little weird though, speaking with someone he had never expected to listen to him. But Roger had just been sitting down and listening to him. He felt like he could tell him, and so he did. Then, Leo remembered, the tall man had smiled; had told him to rest for a while and had moved outside the room.
"I don't know why he smiled" Leo thought, while closing his eyes again. Just resting them for a minute would help. His sight got better, not perfect yet, but still much better than before. He blinked once or twice and recognised the white ceiling again. All of a sudden he felt glad to be here. He couldn't explain it, nor did he really care. but the imagination of him alone in New York scared him a little afterwards.
His eyes slowly got used to the light room and he felt the haze in front of him clearing up. He didn't notice that he'd been observed the whole time from one corner of the room.
"You know, I really think you could've told me" said a voice next to him. Leo whirled around in shock. He would've known this voice among thousands. His eyes were widened, as if scared of a ghost or something not of this world.
"I mean, there's nothing about it" Max stepped out of the corner of the room and came closer. "Now I kinda understand your weird behaviour that day, but, Leo, is this really a reason to run away and hide without a hint for so many days?"
"I understand that you've met someone
With a perfect heart
But you've been questioned by everyone
So you're in the dark
Can you choose to fall
Should you risk it all"
He didn't seem to be angry, no. His voice sounded rather worried and his eyes looked sad. Leo stared at him for a couple of seconds, then turned around hastily. Max was a bit taken aback, but caught himself quickly, grabbed Leo's shoulder and made him turn around again.
"No" he said, now a little angry. "No, you won't turn your back on me now."
Leo had no choice. He had to look at the man he did run away from; the man he wanted to avoid so badly, yet longed to talk to him.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" Max asked. "First, you run away for reasons I clearly can't understand and vanish for a terribly long time. And when we finally happen to find you again, you won't talk to me either. What is this about?"
"Some may tell you don't take the risk
It s a waste of time
But if you think you'll find happiness
Baby take the dive"
Leo couldn't answer. He wanted to say something. He wished with all his might to say how terribly sorry he was. He would've given everything he posessed if he could only tell him what had happened that day; what was going on inside of him. But now it was as if an invisible hand tried to choke him. His voice had abandoned his body and he couldn't even whisper. His mouth was dry and all he could do was staring at this guy with an expression as if he'd start to cry every minute.
Max waited though. His voice had grown louder, but he still waited for Leo to answer. Looking at him, he noticed Leo's face and he suddenly felt sorry, too. He let go of him and stepped back.
"I used to dream
I used to glance beyond the stars
Now I don't know where we are
Although I know we've drifted far"
"All right" he said. "Okay, I understand."
He turned and moved towards the door slowly. He stopped with his hand already on the door-knob and added: "You know, I thought we were friends. But to see you not willing to talk to me after this, really makes me think about us. I must be a very horrible person in your eyes. And yes, you're right." He sighed.
"After searching for you and nearly dying of the idea something bad might happened to you, I find you here. With Roger telling me what is going on. I really just thought about myself."
Max already wanted to leave, when Leo finally got the nerve to stop him.
"What did he tell you?" he asked in a hoarse voice.
Max didn't move. "That you're in love..." he answered after a short moment. Leo stared at Max's back. If he'd only turn around. He didn't want him to leave.
"I would've understand that" Max continued. "Only thing I wanna know is: In love with whom?" he turned only half while asking this.
No response.
Max nodded and looked to the bottom. "I see."
Then he moved outside the room and closed the door behind him. Leo could hear Roger's voice saying something he couldn't make out, followed by the sound of the closing front door. He was gone. How could he have been so stupid? He let him go without saying anything. Leo covered his eyes with his hands.
"Was he right?" he thought.
"How am I gonna stop it if you wanna give it all to love
When I'm on your side
And I understand you're the only one to know
Whether wrong or right
Let your heart decide
you're the only one"
(A little earlier)
A knock on the door after just a few minutes. It was Max. It seemed he had been able to find a way to trick the time, since Roger's call laid only minutes in the past. When he opened the door, the smaller man stepped inside, looking all worried and desperate.
"Where is he?" he asked.
"He is asleep now" Roger answered. "I think you should wait a short while before seeing him. He needs a little rest."
Max nodded relucting and managed to get rid of his coat as Roger asked for it. It seemed so unreal. Leo was here, in this house, in this apartement. There were only walls, thin walls, which still seperated them, but somehow Max was now a little scared to see him again. He didn't know why.
"Where did you find him?" he asked turning for the queer director. Roger raised his head.
"Near Times Square" he answered."Well actually, Carmen found him. We were searching, you know. Asking people about him and stuff. Suddenly, Carmen said something about a man lying there, in the middle of a backstreet and when I noticed who it was, he'd already run over the street screaming: 'Oh my God, it's him!'"
"He collapsed?" Max sounded more worried than ever.
"Yeah, most likely out of tiredness" Roger nodded. "He still has some cuts and bruises on his hands and his face, but the doctor said that happened afterwards. He may have been robbed and maybe defended himself while he was still in the condition to do so. Doesn't look very nice though, so don't be shocked when you see him."
Max looked down. He felt the urge to see him, to tell him how amazingly happy he was to know him safe and secure, without more serious wounds or worse.
"Can I see him?" he asked. He was very contained, unusual for him by the way. He was the sort of man who usually had an answer for everything and cheated himself through life. He couldn't really understand his own behavior. Why did he suddenly notice a weak point about himself? He'd never cared about someone, at least not that much. What was it that made this Boy so special?
"Max" Roger said again. "Max, come with me. You should know something."
He looked at Roger rather surprised, but followed him into the living-room and sat down when he was asked to.
"What is it?" he asked. "There's something more serious, am I right?"
Roger chose to ignore him for a moment and send his room-mates out of the room instead. This silence and the way he acted all cool, without the slightest sign of an urge to tell him what was wrong, drove Max crazy. There must have been something this guy knew, but didn't say.
"Will you tell me what happened the day Leo run away?" Roger finally asked and sat down right in front of Max.
"We had a quarrel" he answered. "And then he..."
"Yes yes" Roger interrupted. "But do you have any idea why he'd run away in such a hurry?"
Max shook his head.
"Come one. Think about it. Everyone has to dight from time to time, but no one leaves so suddenly."
Max stood up and walked through the room, still shaking his head. "I dunno, I guess he was just stubborn or simply had no nerve to listen to me when...Wait a minute" he looked up and stared at Roger. "You know what's going on, don't you?"
Roger looked away, while Max started to nod.
"Yeah, oh yeah, you know!" he said and slowly arose from his chair. "What happened? Did he talk to you?"
Still no answer from the man next to him.
"Roger" Max stepped in front of Roger and was really close now. "If you know anything, you need to tell me, please. I beg you!"
Roger thought he didn't get it right at first. The most selfish man he knew in this wole wide world was begging at him? There must be something beyond simple worries that made this guy change his behavior in such a crass way. He sighed.
"I think he's in love" Roger said.
Max was in shock. He stepped a few steps away from the much taller man he was talking to.
"Love?"
"Yeah. He told me he was" he said. "I guess this may be the reason he'd run away and had been so confused all the time."
Max sat down again. He didn't know how to interpret the feelings rising inside of him. Leo, in love? He felt weird. Lost, somehow and without any strenghth left in his body. He felt betrayed, yet this hurt a lot more and he couldn't explain why. The next minute he felt the sudden urge to rush into Leo's room and scream at him with every strenghth of his voice. Why didn't he tell him? Why the heck wouldn't he want to talk to him about something as simple as that? Was it really that simple? Didn't the pure message of someone close to him being in love make his insides flip over just a few seconds ago? Why the hell would it be simple then? He could understand Leo. He could, for sure. But the underlying feeling of anger; of hate; grew stronger and stronger every second.
Max noticed his body starting to shiver. Maybe it was the pain that caused this message too.
"I want to see him!"
"I told you he's asleep now" Roger answered, but found the awkward look on Max's face a little scary.
"I wanna see him" he answered. "NOW!"
Roger nodded and brought him to Leo's room, which Max entered without a sound. He closed the door behind him and for a long time there was no sound to be heard from inside.
"I want to be the face you see when you close your eyes
I want to be the touch you need every single night
I want to be your fantasy
And be your reality
And everything between
I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
The way that I taste you feel you breathe you need you
I want you to need me
Like I need you"
(A little later)
"Why did you tell him something like that?"
"You really shouldn't leave the bed yet" Roger tried to calm Leo down, who stood in his kitchen, shaking. He still was weak and surely wouldn't make it outside the door.
"No" Leo screamed. He really was furious. "You told him I'm in love. What in the world made you do something like that?"
Roger turned to him and his voice grew louder too.
"You talked to him again now, didn't you?" he said.
"I surely would have if he hadn't been all angry because of that lie you told him" Leo replied.
"A lie?"
"Yeah" Leo looked at him madly. "I mean, he surely would've undertand if I talked to him some days later...quietly and without anyone having the feeling to ruin another's life."
"Leo, you told me you were embarassed by his looks and wanted to get away as soon as possible, isn't that right?" Roger yelled back, gesturing wildly.
"Yeah.."
"And you said you wanted to go back anyway" Roger interrupted him.
"Yeah, so what?" Leo asked, still angry.
"Leo, confess it to yourself" he went on. "You fucking love him."
Leo wanted to answer but he couldn't. He stared at Roger, not believing his words, yet with his heart sinking deeply. Roger calmed himself down and propped up on a table, sighing hardly.
"What are you suggesting here?" Leo whispered in shock.
"Being embarassed of someone all of a sudden and wanting to hide from him immediately, yet hoping that someone finds you and all in all wanting to be everywhere near this person..." Roger said without looking up:"is love, Leo."
Leo shook his head. He was astouned of his voice as he managed to speak again: "No, I'm not gay. This isn't true."
"Yes, it is!" Roger's voice had risen again as he turned to Leo. He walked to him and grabbed his arms and held him close to his face to make sure he really looked in his eyes. "Don't you see this? You're dying for the company of this man. You can't forget him, his eyes, his movements and even his weird habits. He surely is the only true friend you ever had in your life, but Leo, you feelings are beyond friendship."
Leo still stared at him and didn't notice the tears which rolled down his cheeks.
"Don't be scared to confess this, young man" Roger said. "You are in love. Deeply in love. And if he's a man, so what? That doesn't matter."
Roger noticed the tears in Leo's eyes and softened his voice again.
Leo got free of his grip and went slowly away from him, without taking his eyes off of him. He couldn't look anywhere else. Who did this guy think he was? To embarass him in such a manner. To tell him such nonsense and to make him cry like a baby in front of him. This wasn't for his best. The thing however, which confused him the most was...he was right. He suddenly realized it and saw the bigger picture. He could not do anything against it or deny it. He actually was in love with a man.
Leo turned around and walked to the door as fast as he could.
"Where are you going?" he heard Roger's voice behind him. He didn't answer. He knew exactly what he had to do. He grabbed his coat, which hang on the right side of the door and carelessly flung it around his shoulders.
"You can't even walk properly" Roger said, standing in the kitchen-door. "Don't go away again. This'll bring you nothing!"
But Leo wasn't listening. He was determined to do what he had to do. He opened the door and rushed out of the streets again without looking back. There was no use in trying. He couldn't stay in that house any longer.
"I want to be the eyes that look deep into your soul
I want to be the world to you
I just want it all
I want to be your deepest kiss
The answer to your every wish
I'm all you ever need
More than you could know
And I need you
To never never let me go
And I need to be deep inside your heart
I just want to be everywhere you are...
I want to be the face you see when you close your eyes
I want to be the touch you need every single night
I want to be your fantasy
And be your reality
And everything between"
Max had arrived in his office again. He sat on his leather-couch and looked around. He tried to smile.
"Well, it may be better this way" he thought. "Leo's apparently made up his mind. He doesn't want my friendship."
He stared around in his office and noticed how much everything had changed since Leo stepped in here for the first time. The whole office, his sight on a lot of things, his own behaviour and not to mention the whole world for him, Max, himself. He had to confess it. Leo'd changed his whole being.
Max slapped his head with the palm of his hand.
"What the heck am I thinking here? he said quietly. "I always could do without him and I still can."
He stood up to walk over to his desk, just to stop there again, to notice a framed clipping from last year. It showed the opening of the musical that brought Leo and him together in the first place: "Springtime for Hitler". He and Leo sat between Roger and Franz Liebkind and smiled. He never understood why Leo kept this picture but now he was glad it still was there. He took the frame and stared at the pic, which made him smile...unbelievable, but true. He put it back on the desk and decided that moment to keep this picture forever, even though he knew he'd probably never see this boy, no, this man again.
Max felt really sorry about it and the pure thought of it made him even sadder somehow. Why was he caring about someone who never had the spine to stand up for himself and fight for what he thought? He didn't know. Why didn't Leo just tell him he was in love with some girl? He didn't know. Why did this thought hurt him more than anything else he'd ever experienced in his life? He also didn't know why. All he knew was, that this pain destroyed him. More and more he felt betrayed and was grieving. He didn't see any relief from that and couldn't think of anything else.
Max walked to his couch again and lay down. He stared at the ceiling.
"He's in love" he kept thinking. "That's something to be glad about, isn't it? It's mainly the best thing that could happen to him after all he'd been going through after meeting me." He'd probably be better off without him.
Max tried to convince himself. Heavy-hearted, he decided this had to be right and decided to forget Leopold Bloom.
He closed his eyes for a moment, when the phone rang. A bit fretful he stood up again and moved over to his desk. Calls disturbed him right now, but on the other hand it was good. Work would deflect him from everything. He would most likely carry on the way he always did. He didn't need Leo. He knew the way both of them cheated their ways to the top and was sure to imitate this alone. After all, what was the big deal?
"Bialystock?" he answered the Phone, waiting for an investor or an author or anything to tell him what was the problem now.
"Max?" a deep voice answered. "Max, he ran away again."
"WHAT?"
"I couldn't do anything against it, I'm sorry" Roger said. "I upset him with something I said and he simply rushed out of the door. I have no idea where he wants to go."
Max hung up. He stared at the phone, not believing what just happened.
"Damn it" he thought. How on earth should he forget this, when Leo started this whole mess again. He couldn't do otherwise. He cared about him and though Leo didn't seem to want to have anything to do with him anymore, he couldn't let him stumble out there alone. He just couldn't.
Max ran to the door and grabbed his coat. He would stroll the streets again, until Leo was safe...if not with him, at least somewhere he couldn't be harmed at all. Max took a last look around the office and opened the door to stand in surprise, staring just out of it, without moving the slightest bit.
Leo stood before his door, looking at him with his usual puppy-look in his hazel eyes. He looked bad though. The walk here must've exhausted him a lot and for the first time Max noticed the bruises and cuts Roger was talking about. Leo simply looked at him. He looked like he had been crying; his eyes red and somehow swollen.
"Can I?" Leo asked out of his breath and pointed inside again. Max nodded and stepped aside to make way for the young man.
Leo hobbled inside the office as Max closed the door without taking his eyes away from Leo. He stopped when he was inside the office and turned towards Max.
He took a deep breath and said: "Max, I...I think there's something I oughta tell you."
Max sighed. "What Leo? What is it? I think you shouldn't break your own decisions. You've decided to cast me out of your life, that's okay. I guess there's nothing left you could tell me."
Leo shook his head, but it looked rather painful. He shivered and it kind of looked like he wasn't able to stand on his feet anymore.
"No, please" he now whispered out of breath. "Please, you need to listen to me."
"No" Max looked away. "No, I don't wanna know what you got to say."
He tried not to show how much he cared for him, neither how worried he was about him by just looking away; avoiding Leo's eyes. He didn't notice that Leo's shivering got stronger, only thing he noticed was Leo sinking to his knees. Max rushed around and hurried towards him. Leo sank to the ground. Max managed to catch him before he could really hurt himself by banging his head on the hard bottom.
"Oh my God, Leo" he heard Max say. He sounded worried, nearly in panic. "Leo, what is it? You shouldn't have left the bed."
The young man breathed heavily.
"Hold Me
Like The River Jordan
And I Will Then Say To Thee
You Are My Friend
Carry Me
Like You Are My Brother
Love Me Like A Mother
Will You Be There?"
"Max" he whispered. "I need to tell you, please understand this."
Max held his head and kneeled next to his friend, who lay at the ground, looking even more bad. He felt this angst rising inside of him. This angst, that something might happen to this person. That he was even more hurt than it looked from the outside.
"Come on" he said. "I will call an ambulance or something. You'll get help."
"No, please" Leo whispered. "Please, I don't wanna leave."
Max rose his eyesbrows. Leo bridled at help with all his power. There was nothing he could do. He had to stay there and listen to him. He was puzzling whether to run away too and leave him to his fate or stay at his side and never change it anymore. Finally, he nodded and Leo knew he could talk to him now.
"I know it was a mistake to run away from you" Leo started. "You know I didn't know what I was doing. It just happened so fast, everything. And ...and I never thought something like this may happen to me. I'm just...I mean the...the reason why I didn't say anything is...well..."
"I know" Max said. "I know it's difficult to talk about feelings you've never had before."
"No, it's not that. It's more...When you stood there at Roger's and...and telling me you knew I was...I was in love...I mean. I mean I didn't know it myself until that moment."
Max was a bit surprised.
"Means, you didn't run away because you simply felt bad because you can't express your feelings to that girl?"
Leo shook his head weakly.
"Only when you said that, I knew Roger was right."
Max understood. The pain inside of him he had tried to get rid of, rose again. But he felt grateful for Leo to finally talk to him. He bent over his pal and hugged him. Both men had their eyes closed and it seemed this embrace would hold on forever.
"Why am I doing this?" Max thought, but didn't let go. "I know, I want him to be happy." No one said a word, no one dared to give a twitch. They even stopped breathing as long as it was possible. The time seemed to stand still that moment. Max opened his eyes again, feeling Leo next to him. That moment it struck him like a knock on his head with something really heavy. He knew why he wasn't able to abandon this boy or forget about everything. He knew why he was caring so much. He loved him, truly, deeply and honestly loved him. He didn't notice that feeling before, but now he was positive about it.
He sat there and held Leo in his arms. The young man didn't make a sound, all he could hear was his breath. Max looked at him and touched his face, so he held him between his hands.
"Weary
Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Skold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?
But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I'm Only Human
Everyone's Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World's
Got A Role For Me
I'm So Confused
Will You Show To Me
You'll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me"
Their faces were close. Both of them looked into eachothers eyes, but didn't say a word. Leo loved his touch. He never thought he'd do, but he felt his hands and felt unbelievably safe there on the ground with him next to himself. He didn't care how weird this might look. And suddenly he didn't even care that the person he felt so comfortable with was male.
"And if I'm gay, so what?" he thought. He loved him, he knew that for sure and he couldn't leave him. Without anything else to say, he heard Max starting to hum.
"So, you're all the time right and I'm all the time wrong?" he sang silently. "So my character's weak and your character's strong? So, your brow is high and my brow is so low? Well, Brow shmow. I'm close to you now...And all I can tell you is, oh..."
Leo had to smile. This man always made him smile. And he knew it, for Max was smiling too; still looking at him.
"Sue me, sue me. What can you do me?" Leo began too. then he stopped for a moment and looked serious. So did Max. Leo lifted his arm and touched Max's face as well. He made him come closer. Leo closed his eyes.
"I love you" he whispered.
He lifted his whole body a bit to iliminate the last small distance between them and suddenly felt his lips touching Max's mouth lightly. Max didn't do anything against it. No, he simply kissed him back. Leo's lips were soft and warm. He didn't care about someone might rush inside the office and see this. He didn't even care if the whole world would see them right now. He finally knew, what was going on inside his friend, his lover. And for once he wished this moment would never end.
Leo felt happy. He gave a damn about his pain, for now and here, he didn't feel the slightest bit of it. All he knew was that he was united with the only person in the world he loved right now and nothing could take that away from him.
"Hold Me
Lay Your Head Lowly
Softly Then Boldly
Carry Me There
Lead Me
Love Me And Feed Me
Kiss Me And Free Me
I Will Feel Blessed
Carry
Carry Me Boldly
Lift Me Up Slowly
Carry Me There
Save Me
Heal Me And Bathe Me
Softly You Say To Me
I Will Be There
Lift Me
Lift Me Up Slowly
Carry Me Boldly
Show Me You Care
Hold Me
Lay Your Head Lowly
Softly Then Boldly
Carry Me There
Need Me
Love Me And Feed Me
Kiss Me And Free Me
I Will Feel Blessed
In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tripulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart."
The End