Title: The Passion of Near-Chaos
Author: dvshipper
Rating: PG
Spoilers/Warnings: slash, Daniel/Cameron, slight reference to Avalon part 1.
Summary: Was it right for a teammate, a brother in arms, to love so deeply?
A/N: Happy Birthday, downfall35!!! Thanks to taraleesg1 for being the height of beta awesome!
I stared down the leather couch that inhabited my office. There were a lot of things about that particular piece of furniture that I liked; the worn in feel, the real leather smell, just the right amount of fill in the armrests. More recently though, it pains me to look at it. Not because it's the cause of many a stiff neck or anything though. Because of the memories associated with it.
"Cam, I don't know, what if…" my voice trailed off to a silent whisper. My hips were firmly in Cam's hands, and though I knew I had to break away, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. There was something intoxicating about this man, I couldn't think straight.
"Don't worry, Daniel, everything's gonna be fine," he assured me in his best southern drawl.
Flashbacks of nights on that couch, pleasurable nights, flooded my mind. What was more powerful than all those memories though, was the one constant outcome. A cold morning, waking up alone on the couch. I understand that he has his reputation and career to worry about, the same applies to me. What I don't understand is why no good morning? Why no goodbye or see ya later? Was that too much to ask?
Leaning against the work counter amidst thousands of ancient stories, I can't find one that gives me the answers. A silent lover's quarrel known only to one party. How does one figure that out? Communication. Yeah, right. Getting Cam to talk about his feelings and touchy situations when he didn't want to is like pulling teeth. Oh wait, that would be easier.
God! Why is he so quiet? Is that like a geek thing? I mull over everything that's happened between us while continuing to shoot basket after basket in the gym. There's something calming about basketball, lets a person think. However, lately it seems like a way of trying to communicate with God. 'Does he still want to talk to me, God? If so, let this shot go in.' Yeah, real fool proof communication that is.
There's something wrong, even though we've become so close over the past couple months. It's like he regrets it or something, yet isn't pushing me away. But every time I think he might want to break it off, the memory of his voice breaks through my mind. "Ahhhhh, Cam! Closer." That tone ain't easy to forget.
There've been times in my life when hope wasn't even a memory. Since meeting Daniel though, hope doesn't seem so far away. It wasn't until I really saw him smile that I knew there was good in the world. After the crash, faith joined hope in the faded section. In that hospital there was a time when in my opinion, there was no good in the world. Just evil waiting and watching for you to make a wrong move.
This man, Dr. Daniel Jackson, however, showed me the light in the world. The elegance of an embrace, the depth of blue eyes, the simplistic pleasure of a kiss. And for a moment there, I had hoped that it would last. I guess all things are never sturdy in the realm of human emotion.
Somehow, though I knew it wasn't physically possible, my chest felt like it was being torn apart from the inside out. That was a pain I had wished would never return. For I'd felt it once before, but that was grieving death. Cam wasn't dead and even if he was, should I really feel that much? Was it right for a teammate, a brother in arms, to love so deeply?
Then again, did Daniel actually want to be right? There was a piece of him, a very small one from a time long past, screaming at him to pull out now. That piece was overshadowed by a great longing though. To touch, to be close to someone, to be able to let his guard down.
Early on, that had been the case. But as time wore on and more secrets needed to be kept, the relationship just felt that more constraining. Hiding, whispering, constantly looking over each other's shoulders. Paranoia had replaced passion and fear surpassed excitement. The lust and love was still there though, despite it all. And boy did they keep company well. Was it worth it though? This ripping into pieces over something so trivial?
That was it; I decided I had to go talk to him. The only way things are going to work out is to trust him and talk to him. Stomping toward his office, sweat drenched and arms aching, I knew what I had to do.
"Daniel! Sit your ass down, we're gonna talk!" I pushed Daniel's shoulders down and sat him in his seat from his position leaning across the table. Blue eyes stared up confused at me and it was a fight to keep my knees solid.
"What are you doing, Cam?" Daniel seemed tired, like his mind had been wandering without his body. He did that sometimes, but this time it had me worried for some reason.
"Hey, where were you just now?" I asked, changing my tone to a caring one and bringing up his chin with my fingertips to meet my gaze. His skin was cool, like he'd been outside.
"Couch. Pain. Gym. Here," Daniel replied, closing his eyes in more of an extended blink. Tears? This wasn't the Daniel I knew and had loved. Something was definitely wrong.
Cam wrapped me in his arms, holding me together. It was warm in his embrace and I was so cold, as if all the heat had drained from me to the floor. This wasn't supposed to happen. It was just meant to be taking care of each other physically; looking out for one another and helping out with various odds and ends every once in awhile. Somewhere along the way though, it had become so much more.
There were times at which I didn't feel….appreciated in what I do. Cam was always there though, holding me up when I felt like falling. It wasn't just one way either. There had been moments where Cam had been on the verge of breaking, giving up because he felt he wasn't fit to lead anymore, and one night on that leather couch had boosted his confidence back up.
What had happened to us? Everything was flipped on its head; not quite chaos, but further from sanity. I was standing in my office, held in the arms of my CO/lover, crying my heart out. You know what's the real insane part though? It felt just as it should be.
"I just h-h-have one question th-th-though," I choked out into Cam's shoulder. His silence urged me to continue. "Why do you always leave before I wake up?"
"Oh, that. I just….," Cam trailed off, leaving me equally curious and worried. I pulled back from his embrace, prodding him with my eyes to finish his sentence. "Well, I used to think that if I stayed, you'd ask questions or…ask for something that I couldn't give you. I know now though that you don't need to ask for what's already being given freely."
Words, amazingly enough, failed me. The whole English language, just poof! Instead, I chose the next form of communication: one simple, lingering, deliciously slow kiss. His lips, more than his words, shattered any insecurity and doubt I had had. In the way that his palm cupped my jaw in the tenderest way, he showed me the soft side of himself that no one else was allowed entry to.
Reluctantly breaking away when air became an issue, I rested my forehead against his, my eyes still closed behind my glasses. In the silence that followed, everything was communicated between us, as if a psychic link connected us. Thoughts passed freely, coming and going as they pleased. Memories, images, showed themselves flickeringly. Key words flitted past the back of my eye lids: caring, faithful, heartfelt, giving, peace, love, worth it. All things I wanted to experience with Cam in the future were told. And be a future there would; a bright one waiting just beyond the horizon.
Through the secrets and the pain and the paranoia, past all that was something so great, so powerful, that it couldn't be resisted. A love that crossed all lines and broke the rules. One that was brilliantly seductive, yet at the same time familiar in a way, like it had always been there. That irresistible passion that Cam brought out in me and I found similarly in him made everything worth it in the end, or beginning rather.