A/N: Well I wrote this quite a while ago and to be honest im not entirely happy with the way it turned out, but hell I might aswell post it anyway, it's pretty useless just sitting on my computer. Perhaps someone out there will like it. XD
Warnings: Self-harm, depression, mention of suicide, MinaKaka pairing but nothing graphic.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto in any way, all rights go to Kishimoto Masashi for creating such a wonderful anime and such inspirational characters.
Kakashi stared blankly at the note placed on the small kitchen table. It was from Minato. But really... Who else would it be from?
Kakashi scoffed and re read the note again. As usual the blonde had left Kakashi to go and spend more time with her. He would have felt jealous if this weren't such a common occurrence. Minato never said in his notes where he was going or what he was doing. There was no need really. Whether it was to make Kakashi feel better or to make himself feel less guilty after spending the night with his teenage student was unknown.
Sometimes Kakashi wished he could feel nothing at-all. Wished he wasn't so deeply and irrevocably in love with Minato. But he was and he could no longer deny the feeling after losing Rin and being left with only his teacher for company.
That's when everything had started. Kakashi needed someone to help him through the loneliness, depression and guilt and Minato had been there for him at the time. Things just spiralled out of control after that. Kakashi sought out physical comfort from his sensei - the only precious person he had left in his life. He clung to the older shinobi like his life depended on it, and in a way it did.
Minato was hesitant at first, which was understandable, but they had a sort of unspoken agreement that it was just physical and would never be anything more than that. They also agreed that they were not to talk about it to anyone. Minato could get into a lot of trouble.
Kakashi still needed him and how wrong he was to assume that it could only ever be physical. Atleast on his part.
Minato was married and was expecting his first child with his spouse. Kakashi knew that he would always come second place to Kushina and knew that he always had. Minato never told him such things but of course Kakashi knew. He wasn't an idiot. What they had was nothing more than sex and a deep friendship. This was something Kakashi needed more than Minato did and they both knew it.
It was all for Kakashi's sake. He couldn't live without Minato but he also knew that this relationship was killing him bit by bit the longer it went on. Loving someone so completely and not having such feelings returned was emotionally draining, not to mention extremely painful. But to see Minato happy was all Kakashi wanted for him, and if it meant him being with the red headed woman then so be it. Kakashi could die happy in the knowledge that his only loved one left was content with the life they had chosen.
Kakashi picked up the note, scrunched it into a tight ball and chucked it into the bin. He sighed. Minato was inviting him round for dinner tonight. He had almost forgotten that it was a Thursday - every week Kushina cooked for Minato, Kakashi and a few of her own friends. It was sort of like a weekly dinner party.
Kakashi hated it. The only reason he went was to spend time with Minato. Not the reason Minato liked to believe - he had insisted on many occasions that he should get to know his wife better and what better way than to see her every week when she cooked for everyone. It also got Kakashi to socialise like a normal person, more to remind him that he was still a human being, not the emotionless, cold hearted killer he thought of himself as.
The whole thing made Kakashi feel nauseous, he hated eating the food, he hated the people and he hated how he had to see her practically chuck herself at her husband every chance she got. And Minato actually enjoyed it. Kakashi cringed.
Above all he absolutely hated socialising. The small talk and gossip were always the worst.
He couldn't stand letting Minato down but this had to stop. And it would tonight, Kakashi would make sure of it. He considered sending a clone to attend dinner so that he could keep everyone suitably distracted long enough for him to end his own life. But the Fourth Hokage was no idiot, he would see through Kakashi's clone in an instant.
Kakashi had no one left other than the bane of his life and really had nothing much to live for anymore, it had only been his work that kept him proficiently distracted from his ever waking thoughts of Minato. But even now, the more dangerous missions weren't even suitably distracting, and it didn't really help that the Hokage would refuse him certain 'suicide' missions. Who could blame him though? Of course he didn't want his student to be reckless so all that Kakashi could do was hope that sooner or later he'd slip up on a mission and be killed in action. Sadly that still hadn't happened, which was rather surprising considering the amount of missions he'd experienced within the short span of his lifetime, so he was now resorting to the 'cowards way out'.
He simply had no motivation to live life anymore, he refused to make friends and refused to get close to anyone other than his sensei. Everyone who got close to him died or ended up getting hurt, in a way it was like a curse. Which would send Kakashi into an even deeper depression - one that he was sure he would never escape. What he was going to do, he reasoned, was for the best.
He knew Minato would miss him dearly but the man had plenty to look forward to in life, he was starting a family and there was no longer room for Kakashi. It was only a matter of time and he didn't think he could face being rejected by Minato. Kakashi was a coward. Even though he was a battle hardened shinobi, who was well trained to resist a wide range of torture techniques, this was one form torture that was almost unbearable to live with anymore. He hated himself for giving up but truth be told he hated the torture the situation was putting him through even more. He knew it was a lost cause now. He knew he couldn't win.
He would end it with Minato tonight, do it for the blonde so he didn't have to hurt Kakashi himself. Then Kakashi would go home. There would be no one to disturb him and there really would be no one to live for then.
He nodded to himself and left his apartment to spend his remaining day at the memorial stone. It was a shame his name wouldn't be among his friends but it didn't deserve to be. He had wronged them, cut them out of his life only to find how much they meant to him when they were gone. He missed them everyday.
Suicide was a befitting death for him. The last Hatake would take his life like his own dad had. Like father like son. Ironic really, he had always considered his dad a coward for doing such a thing. Kakashi was a coward.
So lost in his thoughts he almost didn't notice the familiar, warm chakra approaching him. He looked over his shoulder to see Minato a few metres away striding across the newly cut grass. He looked beautiful. Kakashi turned his gaze away to look at the memorial stone infront of him.
"I thought I'd find you here," Minato ruffled Kakashi's hair, offering a friendly smile.
Kakashi looked up at his sensei to lock his own eyes with sapphire blue ones. He noted the slight blush that tinged Minato's cheeks, the smell of her mixed with a hint of arousal invaded Kakashi's senses. Just another reminder that Minato really belonged to Kushina. Sometimes Kakashi hated having such a great sense of smell. It took all of the silver haired nin's willpower not to visibly gag.
He turned his head to look back at his friends names.
Minato furrowed his brow. "So did you get my note?"
It was a stupid question, of course he did. Kakashi always did and it always hurt to never wake up with his sensei next to him.
"Yes."
"So you're coming tonight? You know how much Kushina likes having you around, she sees you as her little brother."
Kakashi almost grimaced. He was sure she was a good woman and of course she meant well but Kakashi couldn't help but dislike her. She was the complete opposite of himself, always loud and brash, enjoyed socialising, among other things. She also happened to be his sensei's wife and Kakashi happened to be sleeping with her husband. If that wasn't awkward then he didn't know what was. The only thing they had in common was their love for Minato.
Everytime his lover talked about her he felt like he'd been stabbed in the heart.
"Maybe for a little while sensei. I'm not feeling so well today and I think I may have an early night." It was a blatant lie of course, Kakashi rarely slept and the blonde knew it.
Minato directed a bright smile in his direction which made Kakashi's heart flutter within his chest. "Great! It's always nice to see you around people Kakashi. You know I hate to see you so lonely all the time."
Minato chucked an arm around Kakashi's shoulders, squeezing him comfortably against his side. The teen didn't react to the touch, nor did he offer a smile to the older man. He never smiled anymore, instead he kept his eyes firmly on the stone.
"Yes sensei."
"I gotta get back to work so I'll see you around 6pm," Minato said as he removed his arm and made his way back towards the entrance, not waiting for a reply. There was a bounce in his step which indicated he seemed to be satisfied enough with Kakashi's answer. Who wouldn't be when your beloved wife, good friends and secret fuck-buddy were joining you for dinner? Kakashi scowled.
All six of them were seated around the dining room table in the Hokage mansion. The atmosphere in the room was filled with loud talking and laughter, along with the smell of delicious food wafting into the air around them. Atleast it would have been delicious if Kakashi had any appetite at-all right now.
Sitting opposite him was Minato and next to Minato was of course Kushina. The other three people (he had not bothered to memorise their names) he tried his best to pay no attention to, especially the elderly woman sat next to him who was talking so loudly it could be passed off as shouting. Infact Kakashi was sure it was damaging his sensitive hearing.
Everyone had tucked into their food but Kakashi had yet to touch his meal as his social anxiety grew by the minute. This was usually the case but this time it was almost too overwhelming to stay in the same room as these strangers. On the positive side – atleast he wasn't attracting attention to himself.
Kushina and her friends were thoroughly engrossed in a conversation to do with, what seemed like, everything about babies. Minato seemed to be half paying attention, nodding and smiling when appropriate. He kept sparing concerned glances in Kakashi's direction.
Kakashi was having trouble controlling his steady breathing as he clutched his fork painfully hard in his hand. His reaction to the anxiety was subtle, only a skilled shinobi would notice his distress. Unfortunately there was one sat right across from him.
Minato went to open his mouth to say something to Kakashi but was rudely interrupted by Kushina loudly asking him for his opinion on the name 'Menma'.
"Haha is it not too early to be thinking up names?! We don't even know the gender yet!" He smiled and chuckled before looking back over to Kakashi with a face that was silently asking him if he was ok.
Kakashi nodded once and clenched his fists. This conversation wasn't helping in the slightest, and it certainly didn't help when Kushina leant over and kissed Minato firmly on the lips while everyone 'awwed'. Kakashi dropped his fork, glad to have an excuse to look away from the scene playing out before him.
The relief subsided though when he leant under the table to grab the utensil when he saw Kushina's hand rubbing dangerously high on the inside Minato's thigh. With the lack of oxygen barely reaching his lungs, Kakashi almost fell off his seat when he went to gasp but found his airway restricted. He felt bile rise up in his throat.
He clenched a hand over his mouth as he abruptly stood up, banging his head on the way, almost forcefully enough to cause concussion. Everyone turned to stare at him.
"Excuse me," he managed to slip out before sprinting to the upstairs bathroom. Locking the door behind him he leant over the toilet and violently wretched the contents of his stomach up. It wasn't much having only had some sushi and rice earlier on, soon enough he was only throwing up bile. A few minutes later, when he felt his stomach settle a bit, he flushed the toilet and shakily dragged himself to his feet to lean over the sink.
With his mask still hanging loosely around his neck he peered at his reflection in the mirror. He looked exceedingly pale and he had a dark circle under his only visible eye. The only time he ever really slept now was when he had the warm comfort of Minato next to him. But even then his sensei wasn't enough to chase the nightmares away. Rin. Obito. His dad. Even people he didn't know but had killed out of cold blood. Innocent people. Children.
He tore his eye away from his reflection in disgust to look down as he turned the tap on. He washed his mouth out with cold water, gulping down the liquid to relieve the burning in his throat.
There was a soft knock at the door.
"Kakashi? Are you alright?"
The teen sighed and closed his eyes.
"Yes sensei. Don't worry about me, I'll be down in a minute."
He felt no shift in Minato's chakra, obviously deciding whether he should leave Kakashi or not. Soon enough the silver haired boy felt Minato's chakra recede, most likely to head back to the dining room after having made his mind up.
It was strange but Kakashi had hoped for a moment that Minato would have stayed with him. Looked after him. Comforted him and made sure he was really ok. Kakashi was far from ok. He hadn't been ok for a long time now.
The room around Kakashi seemed to be spinning. He felt like he was going to collapse from all the pain he felt built up within him. He had bottled everything up inside himself and now it felt like it was trying to viscously claw its way out of his chest. He never talked about his problems, he never talked to anyone unless he had to. Occasionally he talked to Minato and even then he never liked to burden him with such minuscule things. Kakashi's life didn't matter and he had accepted that a long time ago, even before he joined the ANBU. Infact it was one of the main reasons he had joined the Black Ops.
One thing was for sure - He could never let the man he called 'sensei' know he felt more for him than he should.
Kakashi needed to be grounded, anchored back to reality to stop himself having these thoughts right now, of all places. He hated what he was about to do in his sensei's own home but it was necessary and he needed to. Sometimes he couldn't even control himself, no matter how hard he tried.
Grabbing the kunai that he always carried around with him, he rolled his sleeve up to reveal porcelain skin blemished with scars. Some old and some new. At first he had made sure not to do them deep enough to scar but that was before he had started doing it more frequently. It had become an addiction now and no matter how hard he fought it he couldn't win.
Minato didn't know about this, he always tried to hide them whenever they were intimate. It was usually in the darkness of Kakashi's room or if they were desperate after Kakashi had returned from a long mission, the majority of clothing would be left on so the scars weren't too hard to cover. As far as his sensei was concerned Kakashi was recovering from his depression, not getting worse. Not descending into madness.
It helped to think that every time he did this to himself it was helping. Perhaps it sufficed as a short relief from the pain he felt inside but it was like a quick hit and he would soon be craving more. Not only that but it helped him keep some semblance of control over his life. Especially when he was unable to see Minato for weeks on end due to missions and responsibility, he really didn't have a choice in the matter.
Kakashi bought up the kunai to place the sharp edge against the inside of his arm, avoiding his most recent cuts. He pressed firmly on the cool metal and felt it pierce his skin. Kakashi sighed in relief and shuddered when he slid the weapon through his flesh, leaving blood to run down his arm to drip into the porcelain sink, tainting the clean white surface.
Kakashi closed his eyes, happy to be able to take deep breathes again after calming his anxiety. He focused on the heated pain that shot up his arm as the riverettes of blood that were now flowing even thicker from the cut started leaving a crimson trail down to the plug hole in the sink. The blood mixed with the lingering water at the bottom of the bowl, leaving it a dark shade of pink. Kakashi pondered whether it was wrong that he was always fascinated to see such dark crimson contrast against white and the pale complexion of his skin – they always seemed to compliment eachother so well.
He went to bring the kunai up to slice another cut into his arm.
"Oh Kakashi..." A very familiar voice filled with sorrow startled him and he turned around in panic to see Minato stood right behind him. The younger shinobi hid his arm behind himself out of reflex trying desperately to cover what he had shamefully done. Kakashi knew it was useless though, he could feel the warm liquid travel down to his fingers and drip onto the tiled floor.
How the hell hadn't he known he was there?! When the hell did he even enter the room?! Kakashi glanced at the door and noticed it was still locked. He grimaced. Minato wasn't called the Yellow Flash for nothing.
"What have you done to yourself Kakashi?" Hurt filled blue eyes gazed into his onyx one before trailing down to look at the arm that was hidden behind Kakashi's smaller frame.
Minato reached behind the boy to tug gently at his wrist, lifting the blood stained arm into view. Studying the wound almost seemed to pain Minato more than it did Kakashi. For a while the two just stood there, Minato examining the cut and Kakashi stared blankly at the door behind his teacher. He refused to look at the blonde. He felt so ashamed and it sickened him to be putting this on the one person he loved.
He could feel the blood that had smeared up his arm in his attempt to hide it start to cool and harden. It felt uncomfortable. Kakashi spared a quick glance at the blonde. He looked devastated and betrayed by what he had discovered and was still staring at the cut, contemplating on what he should do even though he dealt with casualties on a regular basis.
Kakashi looked down at his feet, the cut was still bleeding and started to form a small pool on the white tiles beneath him. He looked at Minato's hand that was clenched firmly around Kakashi's arm, blood was flowing over his fingers and dripping on to the floor.
Kakashi jerked his arm away as if the very image burned him and turned to rinse the wound under some cold water. It stung but it made Kakashi feel content in the knowledge that the nagging pain would stay for a while.
"Why?" Was all the blonde voiced. It came out as an almost whisper.
The silver haired boy stilled his actions but did not make an attempt to face his sensei. Why had he done it? He couldn't tell the man, he didn't have the heart to.
He took a deep breath in to reply when loud, enthusiastic banging rattled the door.
"Minato! Minato are you ok? Your dinners getting cold."
Kakashi scowled at the sink. He hated her. She always ruined things, she always took up the time he was meant to be spending with Minato. Even now, this was important and she had to get involved. Story of Kakashi's life really.
His sensei turned around and took a few steps to place his hand on the door and leant his forehead against the smooth surface. He let out a small sigh.
"Everything's fine sweetie, I'll be down in a bit," he could barely keep the shakiness out of his voice.
Kakashi turned the tap off and rested his hands on either side of the sink. He didn't look up out of fear of seeing his reflection again. Once was enough for one day.
"Is Kakashi with you? I haven't seen him since he ran off earlier."
She seemed genuinely worried which grated on Kakashi's nerves.
"Yep, he's here, I just need to have a quick word with him then I'll be down."
There was a pause in Kushina's reply. Kakashi could sense she had a lot more to say than she was voicing.
"Ok Minato."
She still hadn't made to move from her place behind the door.
"I love you," she sounded almost defeated as Kakashi felt. He tightened his grip on the white porcelain beneath his hands.
"I love you too," it slipped passed Minato's lips like it wasn't a hard thing to say. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be Kakashi reasoned.
He thought he could hear the red headed woman whisper something along the lines of 'I know', it was more like a sigh really. Kakashi assumed neither of them were meant to hear it, it was only down to his outstanding hearing that he had heard it at-all.
He could hear her making her way hastily down the stairs to once again join the cheery atmosphere of their social gathering.
An awkward silence descended between the two.
The younger one finally turned around to look at his sensei's back. His sight lingered on the white coat with the red markings trailing down the back to meet red flames at the bottom. He had always thought the coat suited Minato and there had been many occasions where he would specifically ask him to leave it on while they were- Kakashi shook the thought off. There was no point thinking about the past now.
The blonde still had his forehead pressed to the door. He saw his sensei's body tremble before he collapsed onto his knees, the slump in his shoulders making him look utterly defeated.
Kakashi didn't know what to do. He had always found these situations awkward. A part of him said he should comfort the blonde but another told him to hold his ground. Stupid pride.
"It's me isn't it? It's my fault," Minato's voice was gravelly.
Kakashi didn't reply. He wasn't going to put the whole blame on Minato, it was far from the man's entire fault. But there was no denying it was partly his fault. He couldn't lie to the one person he loved so decided to keep his mouth shut for the time being.
"I'm so so sorry Kakashi. I-I didn't know," Minato resumed in a teary voice.
Kakashi frowned.
"I mean, I'm not sorry for what we have between us, I just..." He trailed off, leaving silence to consume the space between them.
"What do we have between us sensei?"
Minato turned his head to look over his shoulder but stopped halfway, letting his blonde bangs cover his eyes.
"Kakashi... Please don't make me answer that," he sounded so broken. The sentence felt like a jab to Kakashi's heart.
There really wasn't much else to say. He wanted to go home and not think about any of this. He wanted to escape but his sensei was blocking the door and he knew it would be useless to teleport. Minato would only follow him and Minato was one person Kakashi couldn't outrun.
He had been delaying breaking it off with his sensei but the time had finally come. He could see how much the situation had been hurting Minato, having to cheat on his wife. On the woman he loved. Kakashi would make things better for him, even if he couldn't fix himself.
"This thing... Us... It needs to end, Minato," he said in a firm voice but underneath he felt like crying and screaming and destroying everything in his path. He felt the love of his life slipping through his fingers, but he was never his in the first place.
There was silence from the older male who had held his breath after hearing Kakashi's sentence. Then he let out a choked sob before dragging himself to his feet. He turned to face his student with tear stained cheeks, his sad eyes shone with unspoken words that he could never bring himself to say. Kakashi knew that feeling.
Minato nodded and side stepped out of the way of the door to let Kakashi past.
Kakashi hesitantly walked his way over the distance between them and stopped with his hand on the lock. He peered up at Minato, not saying anything but reflecting an equally distressed glint within his eye. He turned his head away and unlocked the door, reaching for the handle.
Fuelled by panic, Minato forcibly grabbed the teens arm. Kakashi didn't look at his sensei.
"She knows, Kakashi. Kushina knows. I know she does."
Kakashi thought he should find it in himself to be surprised but to be honest he really wasn't. He doubted he could feel anything anymore.
He nodded. "Yes sensei."
He made to open the door but found he still couldn't budge his arm.
"And I know. I know how you really feel. I-it's not... I mean I-"
Kakashi felt himself go completely numb. Minato knew all along. But really... How could he not...
"I mean, I know what it's like Kakashi. Fuck, I mean there's so much... I just- I know," he pleaded for Kakashi to understand.
Kakashi opened the door to an empty hallway, managing to drag his arm out of Minato's grip. He turned around to face his sensei for the last time. He took in every detail he could, basking in the warmth of the man's presence.
He knew now. He knew what Minato felt for him, his love for his teacher was returned and in a way Kakashi was happy with the knowledge but was saddened that it could never be. They could never be happy with eachother. Minato had a family to support, he had his whole life ahead of him still to raise and be with and love his child and his beautiful wife. And without a doubt Kakashi was sure that Minato loved Kushina, just not in the way he loved Kakashi.
"I understand Minato. This cannot be and I understand," he gave Minato a sad half-smile before pulling his mask back up. He turned to leave, striding down the long hallway.
"Thank you," Minato whispered, his voice was filled with hurt but hidden underneath all of the pain there was relief. Kakashi had shown mercy and there really was nothing else he could say.
Kakashi didn't reply, instead he opened the window at the far end of the hall and jumped out, landing on a nearby roof.
Minato loved him. Kakashi's feelings were returned and that's all he ever really wanted to know. He knew things couldn't be the same between them and he knew he could never truly possess the one person he had ever really wanted. But that was ok. He wanted Minato to be happy, and he knew that he could be now.
He had lost the war, but came out alive in the knowledge that he had been triumphant. Perhaps.. Just maybe, there was something to live for afterall.