Sailor Moon: Unseen Evil
Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon, I just own the weirdness. P.S., my best friend helped me write this, so blame grammatical errors on her.
It all began when Sailor Galaxia began stealing Star Seeds. As usual, her idiot minions had targeted another dud, and they were now standing around waiting for the Sailor Scouts and Starlights to show up. Naturally, the Scouts appeared first, and began their usual long, incredibly crappy speeches.
Sailor Iron Mouse sank against the wall and sighed. "Here we go again. I have to listen to those idiots and the moon brat reel off their usual crap," she muttered. "And then I have to return to Galaxia and listen to her tired old death threats. I don't know why I stick around and deal with this. Oh, yeah. The idiot who wrote this fanfic paid me to."
But then, something different happened.
"On behalf of the Moon, I shall punish you—oooww!"
Sailor Iron Mouse opened her eyes at the moon twit's yelp of pain. The ditz in question was rubbing her head. That was new; that didn't usually happen.
However, the moon twit recovered and she repeated, "And on behalf of the Moon, I shall punish yOOOUUU…!"
Sailor Iron Mouse, who had gone back to dozing and waiting for her cue to leave, woke up. Sailor Moon had been shoved off of a ten-story building by an unseen force, and was now shrieking like a banshee as she fell. Mars intervened quickly, and managed to save her friend from ending up as a human smear on the sidewalk.
Once that was over, Mars, Jupiter, and Venus turned and glared at Iron Mouse. "All right, this is ridiculous! On behalf of the Earth, we shall punish you—ooof!" All three were sent sprawling as soon as they ended that line.
Mercury lightly scratched her chin. She was starting to see a pattern here. Just as she came to her conclusion, the Outers appeared on the scene.
Iron Mouse perked up. The Inners had gotten whacked; maybe these nuisances would have something funny happen to them, too!
Uranus turned to Neptune and said, "Hey, looks like this villain is happy to see us, Neptune!" Then, to Iron Mouse, "You want a real fight? You've got one!"
'Come on, say it!' thought Iron Mouse.
"On behalf of the Outer Planets, we shall punish you—WTH?"
This time, the sound of something hard connecting with the Outers' heads was audible. Thwack!
Iron Mouse started howling with laughter. This was the best mission she'd ever had!
Mercury knew that her hypothesis was correct, and she started, "Don't say…"
"You think that's funny? For your insolence, we shall punish you—ow!" yelped Pluto.
"That," Mercury finished.
Finally, the Starlights appeared. Mercury yelled, "For the love of all that is good and holy in this forsaken universe, DO NOT say 'I shall punish you!' Ouch…" Mercury found herself assailed by the invisible enemy and went sprawling and ended up on the ground next to her friends.
The Starlights looked at her blankly. "We never say that," replied Fighter, puzzled. "That's your line."
"Well, whatever you do, don't say it!"
"All right…" the three Starlights transformed.
'Here we go again,' thought Sailor Iron Mouse. 'Except no one's going to bash these idiots' heads in.'
"Sailor Starlights! Stage ON!"
"THWACK!" This time, the sound was so loud that it could be heard in Australia.
Somewhere in Australia
Thwack! The young farmer glanced at his wife.
"Did you hear that?"
"Yes, dear. It sounded like it was coming from Japan, but that couldn't be…"
"Nah."
The two went back to work.
Back to the current scenario
The Starlights found themselves flying in different directions. 'Great balls of fire, my head hurts!' thought Fighter.
The Starlights landed in crumpled heaps, feeling so nauseous from the blows to their heads they didn't want to move.
"Apparently, this vendetta is also against you," observed Mercury. "Don't repeat what you said or risk falling off of this ten-story building, all right?"
"Wouldn't dream of it," the three groaned.
'Wow, somebody really hates the Starlights,' thought Iron Mouse. 'Whoever it was didn't hit the moon brat and her cohorts half as hard as they did the Starlights.' Out loud, she said, "While you figure out this odd—and incredibly funny—problem, I'll just politely excuse myself. You can keep the Star Seed," she added generously. 'Besides, when I tell Galaxia that those twits got smacked around without my having to lift a finger, she'll be so pleased she won't care that I don't have a Star Seed,' she thought.
When she had gone, the Inners, Outers, and Starlights stood up.
"Whatever you do, don't say whatever it is you normally say when you fight," warned Mercury. "None of us can afford to get worse concussions than those we already have. Mars, keep Serena awake. If you don't, she might slip into a coma."
"No problem," growled Mars. "I'll enjoy it. WAKE UP, MEATBALLS FOR BRAINS!" she screamed.
"Come on, Fighter! Quit acting like a baby and stand up yourself. I know your head hurts, but mine does, too!" grumbled Healer.
"Aww, leave her, Healer. She'll just moan about it all night, anyway. I just wanna go home and lie down. I think I'm gonna hurl," moaned Maker.
"All right," Healer sighed. With some difficulty, she picked up Fighter, and the humbled Starlights tried to make their escape.
"Wait! We need to discuss catch-phrases, as our old ones are now too dangerous to use!" called Mercury.
"Good point," replied Healer with a sigh. "Sorry, Fighter. Looks like you'll have to wait a little while longer for that nice, cushy bed."
"Don't wanna," whined Fighter. "I wanna sleeeeep!"
Healer stifled a groan. The last thing she needed was to have to listen to Fighter's childish whining. "Oh, all right! How about I give you a knuckle sandwich and put you to sleep permanently?"
Fighter's eyes widened and she closed her mouth. She knew with just one look at Healer's face that she meant it.
Mercury continued, "Perhaps we could try something like, 'On behalf of the Moon, we shall annihilate you!'? Ow! Perhaps not. Maybe, 'On behalf of the Moon, we will flatten your butts!'?" Mercury waited. Nobody got whacked by an invisible force.
"Aww, man!" whined Venus. "On behalf of the Moon, we shall punish…" she never finished, because Uranus, Mercury, and Pluto tackled her and slammed their hands over her mouth.
"Don't say it! Are you trying to get us killed?" demanded Maker hoarsely.
"Stage on! Ow..." mumbled Fighter groggily. Maker rolled her eyes. "Even in her sleep, she could get us killed," she muttered.
"Maybe we could try 'Action!'?" suggested Healer. "Ouch! Guess whoever is attacking us doesn't want us to say anything related to 'Stage'—oof! Maker had slammed her hand over Healer's mouth.
"You say that accursed phrase, I'll wring your neck," she snarled.
"Wring your neck…" mumbled Fighter.
"Hey, that works for us!" squealed Healer. "We can say "We'll wring your neck!'"
"You have a point," consented Maker. "Problem solved. See you guys later. We're tired and we need to make sure Sleeping Beauty here…" she glared down at Fighter. "Doesn't go comatose on us." The Starlights made their exit.
"Great, but that doesn't solve our problem," grumbled Uranus. "I refuse to say 'We'll flatten your butts!'"
"Admittedly, it is a little lame," conceded Mercury.
"On behalf of the Moon, we'll bust your skull…" mumbled Sailor Moon. She, like Fighter, was passed out.
"Hey, that's not bad!" Uranus stated.
"Not bad at all," agreed Mars. "Meatball Head actually had a good idea."
"We have a winner," sighed Mercury, relieved that this business was over with.
Meanwhile, in another time and place, two minor deities working behind the scenes with dark hair and dark eyes sat in a yellow room. Holding hairbrushes, each wore a satisfied smile at a good night's work.