Author's note: Insert hyperactive social commentary on Hugh Jackman's immense hotness. Also awesome shiny clawses. Snikt.
Wolverine Part 2045: The Wolverinening
Chapter Snikt!
We need moar Wolverine
One day Wolverine, the only member of the X-Men anyone truly ever loved or cared about, showed up to be in another story informing everyone of how fucking awesome he is.
He was in the bathroom taking a long hot shower with his bulging hairy muscles and rock-hard abs and gorgeous Hugh Jackman face because that is a good place to start a fan fiction that's sole goal is to sell how amazing and hot Wolvie is. Because he is.
And if you don't think similarly you're probably a butthurt Batman fan who thinks Batman's gay ass could ever compare to Wolvie's which is a total logical fallacy. Y'all need to leave this story right now.
Wolverine stepped out of the showed and grabbed a towel to cover his incredible masculine hotness with. But then he realized that he didn't need it and threw it up in the air and shredded that bitch to little pieces with his claws.
SNIKT!
"I'm Wolverine," he growled hoarsely.
Then he walked down to the kitchen in the buff to get himself a cup of coffee and a large portion of meat and eggs.
"I'm Wolvine," he growled throatily.
Wolverine slammed his fist down on the table, sending his plate of manly foodstuffs into the air. He opened his mouth wide and gulped them down as they fell neatly into his gaping mouth hole. Afterwards he grabbed his coffee cup and threw his head back and tossed the piping hot Joe down his throat.
He slammed the cup down on the table so hard it broke but it was no concern because he had like a ton of them. And that one wasn't even his favorite. He broke his favorite a week ago and he didn't even shed one single tear over it.
Because Wolverine is not a bitch who cries over broken material sentiments. Everyone else is a bitch who cries over how awesome Wolverine is and how they will never reach that level of awesomeness.
"I'm Wolverine," he snarled heavily, standing up so fast that his chair flew and hit the wall behind him, breaking into sad little pieces. Fuck you, chair.
SNIKT!
He sliced open the door, too busy with other more important things to bother opening doors. Only fags opened doors. Or cheated by going through windows. Like Batman. What a fag.
Wolvie had other more important things to do like tracking down Sabertooth and beating his ass to a senseless, bloody pulp.
"I'M WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE," he roared.
He took off running down the street, knocking various cars over as he went.
He didn't give a fuck about property damage.
He was Wolverine.
Shortly after it started to rain. The rain poured down and made everything more cinematic and atmospheric and also it made Wolvie's huge pecks and abs all shiny and delicious. WOOF.
Then the random generic mooks appeared.
They were robbing a bank like all random generic mooks do in stories like these. When they're not participating in a kidnapping. Or a rape.
"Hey, look, it's one o' dem X-Men!" Mook #1 cried out in shock.
"No, it's the ONLY X-Man! It's fucking WOLVERINE!" screamed Mook #2 in abject terror.
Both mooks pissed themselves in fear as The Wolverine, most badass man alive in all the known comic universeseses, came hurtling at them at the speed of awesomeness. Which is totes fast. And totes terrifying if you're a random criminal mook in a story about WOLVERINE.
"I'M WOLVERINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAH," screamed Wolveriiiiiiiiiiine, leaping at the lowly pair of mooks. They weren't Sabertooth but they would do to quell his awesome fury and need to fucking slice up villainous scumbags.
SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT!
SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT!
He made short work of the mooks by plunging his claws through their fleshy, vulnerable parts.
"Don't break the law while Wolverine is around, bitches," snarled Wolverine.
He sheathed his claws and pulled out a cigar.
"I'm Wolverine," he muttered deeply.
Robert Downey, Jr came flying down from the sky and landed next to Wolverine, pissing him off by being in his story.
"Hey, how's it going, bud?"
Wolverine turned around and stuck his claws into little rich bitch Tony's fancy armor and it started to spark and smoke.
"HEY MAN, DAT AIN'T COOL," Tony shouted, watching his screen sound the alarms that went BOOP BOOP BOOP WARNING, WARNING, YO SHIT IS FUCKED.
J.A.R.V.I.S.' face appeared like the one from TAS on Fox Kids but with the voice from the movies and was all like, "LOL, YOUR SHIT GOT BROKEN. Sir." And then the video systems blinked out leaving poor Tones in the dark.
"I'm Wolverine," grunted Wolverine. He pulled his claws free of Iron Bum's busted suit.
"Wolvie, why u gotta be liek that?" Tony blubbered with huge angry tears forming in the corners of his manly eyes.
"Kiss my hairy ass, bud," grumbled Wolverine. He snikt'd Tony his middle claw. "This is my story so GTFO and don't ever call me bud, BUD."
"My movies made more money," Tony pouted.
Wolverang punched him in the faceplate, smashing it like glass. Mr. Stark went flying up into the air in a bright trail of sparkling sparklies. That was from his suit shorting out. Then he exploded in mid-air. It was cool. It cost 15 mil and caused the fic to go massively over budget so no more X-PLOSIONS.
"I'm Wolverine," Wolverine hissed, posing with his claws and hot manly body.
A hundred Sentinels came out from behind some buildings and surrounded him. He didn't even flinch.
SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT!
Wolverine dispatched them all super easily and when the smoke cleared he was standing on a big ol' pile of sliced up Sentinels.
"I'm Wolverine," rasped Wolverine.
There was a familiar "thwipping" noise overhead and who should show up but nobody's favorite web-slinging little nerd bitch.
Spider-Mang.
He swung overhead and perched on a street lamp. "Hiya, Wolvie! I see you're out and about being a hugely popular spotlight-stealing dickass. How's that working out for you?"
"Same as you, bitch. Only better," growled Wolverine. "I'm Wolverine!"
He popped out his claws and swung for the lamp pole, slicing it into neat little sausage chunks. They fell to the concrete with a loud sound and Spider-Mang flipped off and landed on a car below.
"Are you jealous that even though I have no shiny desu claws and huge biceps I'm still more popular than you because more average Joe nerds easily identify with me than with your overhyped testosterone-poisoned no-homo Gary-Stu macho power fantasy?" Spider-Mang taunted.
"No."
Wolverine was already in front of Spider-Mang while he was wasting time trying to ridicule the coolest man ever created and he stuck him in the face with his claws.
Snikt.
"Ow, my nerd brain," Spider-Mang whimpered before falling over with a severe IQ impairment.
"I'm Wolverine, bitch. You are not more popular than me. You are more easily sold to young children," snarled Wolverine.
"I still have better video games!" Spider-Mang cried.
Wolverine kicked a huge chunk of concrete in Spider-Nerd's masked face then walked away in slow motion.
Then Magneto and the Brotherhood showed up.
"Ah, Wolverine. I see you're-"
"Grah!" Wolverine chucked a car at him and hit him in the face.
"Ow! You didn't even let me finish!" Magneto whined, wiping windshield out of his sad Jewish eyes.
When he opened his eyes again the Brotherhood were all lying in piles of broken bones and puddles of blood and he gasped upon seeing Wolverine flying right at him with his claws out and his mouth open in a scream of primal masculine rage.
"I'M WOLVERRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"
SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT!SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT!
SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT!SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT! SNIKT!
Once all the asses were sufficiently kicked Wolverine popped another cigar between his hairy lips. His teeth were also coated with a fine layer of fuzz. He smoked the smoke of an awesome hairy dudebro who had just kicked a huge pile of evil mutant ass. Some TRUTH pussies came out from behind a dumpster waving their signs at him and he stabbed them through the face. All three of them. At the same time.
"I'm Wolverine, bitches," he bellowed. "Smoking doesn't cause cancer. Being a whiny pussy does."
He calmly accepted his promotion money from Big Tobacco and stuffed it into his wallet. Which was made out of the tender flesh of white baby seals and decorated with the feathers of snowy egrets.
A shower of horny women fell from the clouds on top of him, covering him in a mixture of sweat and desire. He fucked them all right there while pedestrians wept and tried to cover their innocent childrens' eyes. But then they uncovered them. Because they realized that they were denying their children the sight of a beautiful part of nature. Which was Wolverine fucking a gaggle of horny bitches. With huge titties. The kind of titties you can bounce like a rubber ball. Boingey, boingey.
"WOLVERINE!"
The roar tore through the air like Gaben through a six pound burrito. Extra guacamole. Not on the side, right fucking on top. Mmm, mm, bitch. Everyone within range shuddered. Except Wolvie. He is not the shuddering type. Unless you count the orgasm one. Then yes. He shudders so hard they feel it in China.
"Sabertooth," Wolverine snarled.
His shirt ripped open, exposing like twenty abs instead of a rational number. All of them covered in thick, curly, sweaty, testosterone-flavored hair.
"Happy birthday, bitch!" Sabertooth roared and punched Wolverine in the face with his angry fist full of claws and hatred.
Wolverine flew off into a brick wall and smashed it leaving a Wolverine-shaped outline in the bricks and it was totes awesome. He fell back to planet earth on his feet looking like nothing had happened. He leaned his head back and sniffed derisively.
"Is that the best you got?"
"I have a special birthday present for you," growled Sabertooth. He shot himself out with drool flying from his gaping maw and his claws out and his arms and muscles bulging with ferocity and sinews and sexy bulging tiny-footed Rob Liefeld parodies. "IT IS MANLY SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WHICH IS WHOLLY UNWANTED BY YOU BUT SHALL BE FORCED BY ME!"
"You can just call it assrape, bub," said Wolverine gruffly.
Sabertooth's giant mouth engulfed Wolverine's smaller head. "Hmmfpfjhg!"
Wolverine punched him in the dick. It was super effective.
Sabertooth spit him out. "Ow, my massive man dick," he groaned.
"REVERSE RAPE!" Wolverine shouted, throwing himself bodily into Sabertooth's face.
His crotch went all up in Saber's nasty mouth, like a bar of soap after a youngin' has used one of the seven baddest words in the world. And one of those words is "Wolverine" if you were curious. He began to thrust furiously.
"HOW YOU LIKE ME NAO? HUH? HUH?"
Sabertooth bit down.
"Good thing I have a rapid healing factor," grunted Wolverine as blood flew all over the place. Like, a Cannibal Holocaust amount of blood.
"Fuuuggg uuuuw," Sabertooth growled through a mouthful of delicious detached dick.
What he hadn't expected, though really should have, was the phallus producing tiny adamantium claws which quickly shredded his cheeks, allowing it to escape his stinky maw.
"OW, FUCK ME WITH A SACK OF KITTENS!" Sabertooth screamed with blood all pouring out of his mouth. For like twelve seconds before his healing factor kicked in. Duh.
The Wolvie-Dick grunted out "Bub!" and began to slash its tiny adorable claws at Sabertooth's exposed gut. Meanwhile Wolvie regrew his dick. Which kind of gave him TWO DICKS! Only one was nestled comfortably betwixt his hairy thighs and the other was trying to kick Sabertooth's teeth out.
The mini-dick Wolverine spawn grew its own classic spandex outfit complete with useless shoulder pads and little arms to go with those claws that had formerly been sticking out of its dick-like torso. Which was an actual dick. Because it was.
"Bub, bub, bub!" it grunted.
"Seriously, dude. What's going on here," muttered Sabertooth, throwing up his large arms in frustration. "I'm trying to rape you and instead you try to counter-rape me and then I bite your dick off and you detach your dick and grow a whole new one and now your old detached dick can talk and fight with little claws and I don't even know what's going on anymore."
"Welcome to the world of fan fiction, bitch," said Wolverine.
He kicked off Sabertooth's head and it exploded into seventy-five pieces gold, all of which were quickly collected by Stan Lee.
"I love fandom, don't you, true believers? Excelsior!"
And everyone else cried because Stan Lee is not their rich awesome grandpa. Also because this story was shamelessly fucking terrible.
THE END
SNIKT!