The Skirts of the Safecracker
by Ceefax

"Good Lord, Lestrade, go easy. We are ladies of refinement, not ladies of the night. Here, allow me... Watson, you will oblige me by ceasing that infernal smirking and passing me the rouge. No, no, the small glass pot by the fireplace, beside the scimitar, behind that bottle of iodine."

"Holmes, this still seems a little foolhardy."

"Not to mention downright obscene."

"Nonsense, my dear Inspector! In the pursuit of justice one must play many roles."

"Hmm. If I were a suspicious man, I might think you were doing this purely for your own satisfaction."

"You will not say such a thing once I have you into your corsets. Never fear, you'll make a prettier lass than I. In fact, should we perhaps exchange parts? You could be the wife of our dashing colonel here..."

"My blushes, Holmes..."

"...And I could play the maiden cousin?"

"I am quite satisfied with matters as they stand, thank you, Mr Holmes."

"As you choose. You will recall, Watson, as I outlined to you during the early stages of the Bugby and Wildman case, that a female impersonator is most commonly given away by her hands and her throat. The hands of a man, Lestrade, are of course commonly larger than those of a woman. Happily you and I are both blessed with hands of a size that should pass unnoticed. However, in your case, I do not think a lady's hand would have quite so much hair, nor the roughness of the knuckles that speaks of your occupation. No matter. The gloves will serve."

"Really, Mr Holmes, I look a fright. No, I'm sure this plan of yours can never work. It isn't right. I shall have to try for a warrant, and..."

"Lestrade, do sit down. Think of what would happen should you burst into the hall with a bevy of boisterous young constables. You would place yourself neatly into the villain's eager grasp. It won't do."

"But it will not work, Mr Holmes!"

"It will work perfectly. You are a far more suitable subject for this transformation than I, and I have successfully adopted female dress on a number of occasions."

"I do not see how you come to the conclusion that I am more suitable."

"Oh, don't take on, Lestrade. I merely meant that you are shorter in stature. Though it has its uses, my own height does rather set me apart from womankind, on the occasions I have been compelled to join their ranks."

"But Holmes, you've disguised your height before."

"Indeed, Watson, but this is accomplished by slouching - something no lady would ever countenance. Nor would she scratch herself in quite that manner, Lestrade."

"It's these lace petticoats. They itch."

"The starch will become less severe given a few washings."

"I don't intend to give it the chance."

"Myself, I am rather fond of petticoats. One can conceal any number of dubious items beneath them. For example, where, had I attended in my own person, I would have had to affect some reason to be carrying a gladstone bag into the ballroom, I can quite easily contain all the tools necessary to open the safe beneath my skirts. Nonetheless, it goes without saying that any item of clothing featuring whalebone should by rights be burnt. Speaking of which... Watson, lend a hand."

"Ah! Have a..."

"Steady, old fellow, nearly there..."

"Holy Christ..."

"You'll soon become accustomed to it, never fear. I say, this does fit rather well, doesn't it?"

"I should hope so, after you made poor Mrs Hudson return the thing three times."

"A lady hardly shops for her own underthings, Watson. And one would really expect such a reputable establishment to get the size right."

"Even though the size was only a guess."

"And a very fine guess, as we see. How does it sit, Lestrade?"

"Like the claws of the devil."

"An aid to your posture, no doubt. Try not to grimace quite so much, it could give the game away. Watson, would you be so kind as to fetch the brown paper parcel from the sitting room? Now. Dress before wig, I think. I believe I have already mentioned the dangers inherent in a manly throat? The lace about your neck should provide adequate concealment. Ah, thank you, my dear chap. I don't expect your ears are pierced for ear-rings, Lestrade? No? I supposed as much. You shall borrow some of mine, they clip to the lobes. Wretched things. Still, we have suffered far worse trials in pursuit of the ardent criminal. No doubt you recall the case of the Camden forger."

"Recall it? I shall never forget it. Crammed in that filthy tunnel with my coat jammed around my ears, that monster Herapeth stamping about just a few feet above..."

"And yet, Inspector, for all your trials, it was not you who ended up in the Thames that evening."

"Given the stink of that damned pipe, I think I'd rather take the river."

"Shall I...?"

"No, no, Watson, put the notebook away, I assure you it was a case with no merit whatsoever. There! Now Miss Giselle Legard needs only her wig. I shall use glue, I think; it will take a little longer, but be far more secure."

"I must be mad. Look at me. We'll be arrested for public indecency as soon as we set foot outdoors."

"Really, Lestrade, I do despair. The disguise will be perfectly adequate, as I have told you. Provided you play your part, you need only concern yourself with escaping the clutches of eligible bachelors. You may well scoff, but at the coming out of Lady Charlotte Fitzwilliam, I rather carelessly allowed myself to be cornered in the rose garden by a certain lord from Gloucestershire - if I were to say shares in the steel market and ill-considered side whiskers, I'm certain you would know to whom I refer - and it took a judiciously applied knee to preserve my honour."

"Shocking! And him in government..."

"Yes. Sad to say, in private, few so-called great men live up to their public image. And as to your assertion that we shall be arrested as soon as we pass the doorstep, why Watson and I have disproved that theory this very afternoon, haven't we, Watson? Colonel and Mrs Tregannon took a rather pleasant stroll through the park, and not an eyelid was batted."

"It doesn't follow, Mr Holmes, that because you can do a thing, any other man can do the same."

"I'll grant, had you taken my advice and allowed more time for practise, our chances of success might have been improved. You could even have joined us in our walk."

"Some of us have work to do. I can't very well ask for time off to go gadding about in dresses, now can I?"

"We are neither of us gadding about in dresses for our health, Lestrade. Giselle, I should say, now that the transformation is complete. Come! Stand! A light veil I think, will cover a multitude of sins. There. Pretty as a picture, wouldn't you say, Watson?"

"Oh, charming. Quite charming."

"Doctor, can't you talk him out of this madness?"

"We are of one mind, my dear Giselle! Now, we have precious little time, and you must still gain the mannerisms of a high-born lady. First and foremost, I beg you do not adopt a falsetto voice. Such things can only sound false. Speak softly and lightly, and as little as possible. Remember, you are a shy country girl, quite overcome by her first ball in the city. Be mindful of your posture, do not fall back into your natural habits through forgetfulness. Let's see you walk."

"These shoes are terrible."

"But very becoming. And you need tolerate them only for tonight. Take smaller steps, there's still a faint retention of the policeman's stride. Ah, much better! Watson, don't laugh at the poor fellow. There but for your exceptionally broad shoulders go you."

"I assure you I was thinking only of the successful conclusion of the case."

"Of course. Now, as to dancing..."

"No. Absolutely not."

"Come now, a simple waltz shouldn't present too great an obstacle. Really, my dear Giselle, if you glower any further, you shall crack your make up."

"I do believe, Mr Holmes, when all's said and done, this will be the first case where I stand aside and allow you the entire credit. Can I take it, Doctor, that this little escapade won't be gracing any news stands?"

"I shouldn't imagine so."

"There's some comfort, at least."

"This attitude does you no credit, my dear Giselle! No, don't touch the wig, you will upset the pins. Ah, is that our cab I hear outside? Let me fetch your fur. Now, take my arm, dear cousin. And smile! You're going to the ball!"

"Good heavens, Captain Shaftesbury! Although I see it's Major Shaftesbury now, my congratulations. Why, we haven't seen one another since... It must have been the charming affair at... Where was it, now? Ah, yes, thank you, Lady Charlotte's, of course. I have had a promotion of my own since then. You see my husband, over there beside the cucumber sandwiches. I must introduce you, he's also a military man, I'm sure you will have so much to talk about. Oh but I'm forgetting... May I present my cousin, Giselle Legard? Giselle, dear, this is Archibald Shaftesbury."

"Pleasure to meet..."

"Oh, do please excuse us, Major, I must just have a word... Come, Giselle, leave the major be..."

"Past exploits catching up with you, Mr Holmes?"

"Really, I've only used this persona once before. I did rather hope to get away without running into any old acquaintances... And do please stay in character, Giselle, one can never be certain who's listening."

"In this racket?"

"A racket is no object to an accomplished eavesdropper."

"Your over-amorous lord isn't here as well, is he?"

"No, thank the mercies. Now, I believe we must disappear in the direction of that stairway there. Your curtsying, incidentally, leaves a little something to be desired."

"Very sorry, I'm sure."

"Sarcasm, Giselle, becomes you not at all. And try not to seem so intent - we are simply mingling, with no set purpose in mind. Oh, my word, Lady Charlotte! I was just speaking of you to my cousin here! Miss Giselle Legard, my very dear friend Lady Charlotte Fitzwilliam. No, no, Charlotte, dear, it is Mrs Tregannon now. In fact, you will excuse me, I know, but I simply must have a word with my husband. Darling! Oh. Giselle, can you see where he's gone?"

"Over there, talking to Major Shaftesbury."

"Ah yes, I see. Thank you, my dear. Yes, he is rather handsome, isn't he? No, only a few months, but we're very happy together. Good-bye, Charlotte, we really must see each other again soon... Watson!"

"Sorry, Holmes, I couldn't get rid of this Shaftesbury fellow. He kept asking me all sorts of questions. I'm afraid Colonel Tregannon's past is now quite a tissue of lies... You don't suppose he suspects us?"

"No, no, just an old acquaintance of mine. Nothing to worry about."

"That reminds me, Captains Fortesque and Wainwright send their regards."

"Seems Mrs Tregannon has something of an eye for the soldiers."

"Do be quiet, Lestrade. If one is investigating the disappearance of a soldier, as I was on the occasion of Lady Charlotte's ball, one must of course gain the confidences of his comrades. Do stop grinning, it isn't at all ladylike. Now then... Lord Fitzwilliam! Did she really? Oh, dear Charlotte, how kind. No, I really must... Oh very well, if you insist. Darling, would you keep Giselle company for a few minutes?"

"...Now then, Doctor, do you suppose that frantic hand-waving behind his back meant we were to press on, or to wait for him to get back?"

"I think, on balance, he probably meant for us to go on. Steady, old chap! I think, if you hold your skirts up a little at the front as you go up the stairs..."

"Yes, thank you, I have it..."

"Ah. It's a relief to get away from all that bustle."

"I sharn't speak of relief, Doctor, till I have the damned document in my hand and I'm back in some honest trousers... Which door, do you think?"

"We'll try applying a little of Holmes' reasoning. Important documents are usually kept in safes, and safes in studies. Studies are most commonly found with south-facing windows, so we need a corridor at right angles to this one... Let's try along here."

"How do you suppose Mr Holmes is getting on with Lady Charlotte?"

"Oh, I dare say he'll extricate himself soon enough. Ah ha! This seems a likely corridor. Let's try..."

"Gun room."

"Hmm. Let's try the room at the end of the corridor... Locked. We need Holmes and his skirtfull of lockpicks."

"Just a moment, Doctor, there was a key on the inside of the gun room door. If these locks are the same... I'll just run and fetch it... Here we go. Now we'll see..."

"Lestrade! Good man!"

"Yes, well... this looks like your south-facing study, Doctor, and there is a very strong looking safe."

"Excellent! Well, now we shall have to wait. Leave the door open a crack, and we'll keep a lookout."

"This bloody corset is jabbing me right under the ribcage... This has to be the maddest scheme I've ever been dragged into."

"Oh, I've seen madder. Perhaps we should extinguish the lights. What do you say, Inspector? It wouldn't do to advertise our presence."

"Turn down the gas, but leave us a little light to see by... Shh! I think I hear voices. Back against the wall, Doctor."

"Is it Holmes?"

"No, it's a man. A man dressed as a man, I should say. I think it's his grace."

"Get back from the door, Inspector. Don't let him see you."

"There's someone else behind him, but I couldn't see who. Hush now, the footsteps are getting closer... He's past the gun room, damn it, he must be coming here! Perhaps if we get behind the desk..."

"Lestrade... There's no time. You must trust me."

"What're... Mmmph!"

"John! How could you! Well, cousin, I can't say I'm completely shocked, not after that unfortunate incident with the stable lad, but I did think you might have a little more sense than this. Out! You shall wait for us in the carriage, and think on what your poor mother will say when she hears of this, you wicked child."

"Sophronia, darling..."

"I wonder, your grace, if you would be so kind as to leave us? I wish to have a few words with my husband in private, how very generous and accommodating, please do shut the door as you go out, Inow, John..."/i

"I'm sorry about that, Holmes, but I thought... Well, it seemed like an innocent enough reason for us to be here."

"Not at all, dear fellow, I applaud your quick thinking; though I fancy there may be some ruffled feathers on the part of our fellow conspirator, with my own cousin, none the less... Our host lingers in the corridor, Watson. I fear we must pretend to a disagreement while I get this safe open. Well? Defend yourself, man!"

"Er... Haven't you the slightest trust in me? Must you always leap to these irrational conclusions?"

"Trust? When I find you in her very arms? Ah, such poor taste in safes! Most ill-advised."

"A work of moments for you, no doubt. It is your insane jealousy that drives me away from you! Even if this were true, you have none but yourself to blame, and most certainly not that sweet innocent girl!"

"But of course, my dear Watson! If you would but turn the light up a little, I shall have it open in a trice. I have seen her eyes upon you! And yours upon her!"

"Enough?"

"Perfectly. You have shamed me! And before all my friends! I wonder, Watson, if you should be so kind as to reach beneath my petticoats to retrieve my smaller set of lockpicks? I find myself in need of them, but as you can see, my hands are rather engaged."

"You shame yourself with your foul lies and accusations! Whereabouts should I be looking, Holmes?"

"Further back. Ah! Your hands are very cold."

"Terribly sorry, I've been cooling them on champagne glasses all evening. Am I getting any closer?"

"You and your slattern will be gone from my house this very night! Up a little. There! Have a care, Watson, don't tear it... Ah, much obliged."

"Your house? I'm your husband, woman! It is my house, and I shall stay or go as I please!"

"You think so, do you? For heaven's sake, Watson, do please replace the skirts, now you've finished riffling beneath them. There are difficulties enough without all this frippery about my ears. We shall soon see about that!"

"Terribly sorry, Holmes. Can't think what came over me."

"Hmm. Ah ha! Now we shall see... Mother was right about you, you blackguard! Yes! Here is it. Care to take a look?"

"Really, Holmes!"

"Perhaps you're right. I'm sure the inspector's incautious behaviour is no business of ours, even when he chooses to make it our business. Tuck the evidence away in your pocket book, dear fellow, we shall deliver it into friend Giselle's eager hand at the earliest opportunity. I should have married Archie!"

"I say, Holmes, who's Archie?"

"Major Shaftesbury."

"Oh, I see. Well, if your tastes run to fatuous bloated popinjays, I wish you every joy of your Archie!"

"Strong words, Watson! Keenly felt! Now, we close the safe up... There! Nothing amiss."

"Save for your skirts, of course."

"Well, any disarrangement on their part is entirely your fault. No, no, leave it be, I can manage..."

"Do you think he's still out there?"

"Most assuredly. I shall storm out first, you will follow, seeming humiliated and contrite."

"Are you certain, Holmes? I think I came out rather well in our little argument."

"You have been caught in the arms of another woman! Before your host, no less! Come, Watson, and with remorse, if you please..."

"Giselle! A well-brought up young lady does not smoke, and she certainly does not share a fag-end with the coachman! Wiggins, hop to, lad, we're off."

"Oh, come now, Mr Holmes, who's to see? And I haven't had a puff all evening."

"I despair. I have surrounded myself with saboteurs and incompetents."

"Did you at least get into the safe?"

"Hush! Wait until we're away. Home, Wiggins, and don't spare the horses!"

"Well?"

"Show the man, Watson."

"Here. In the duke's safe, just as Holmes said it would be."

"I shouldn't tear it up, Lestrade. Wait for the fire at Baker Street."

"I'm... I'm most grateful to you both. Most grateful. Despite all this tomfoolery you put me through, Mr Holmes. You'd best hang on to the document for now, Doctor, till I find myself in possession of some pockets. Oh, and you wouldn't happen to have a clasp-knife on you, would you?"

"Certainly. Here..."

"Lestrade, what are y... Lestrade! Do you have any idea how much that corset cost? Well, I hope that brought you some measure of satisfaction."

"A great deal, thank you very much, Mr Holmes. Your knife, Doctor Watson."

"Oh, er, thank you."

"That was most unworthy of you, Lestrade."

"After this evening's work, Mr Holmes, I'll buy you all the ladies' underclothes you shall ever want."

"A more handsome offer I've never received! Watson, do lend the lady your coat, given her shocking state of déshabillé. We would not wish to sully anyone's reputation."

the end.