Our Songs Chapter 1: I Need You, a scrubs fanfic

Title: Our Songs
Chapter Title: I Need You
Author: Haley Starlight

Setting: Right after 'His Test.'
Pairing: JD/Cox (established relationship)
Song: What If by Ashley Tisdale
POV: JD/John Dorian.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN SCRUBS.

Summary: Can JD survive the tragedy of Dan's suicide? Can Perry help get through it? Or will they be forced apart?

Warnings: SLASH. Don't like it? Don't read. Also, mentions of suicide.

Author's Note: This whole story is going to be based on songs. They're all from my iPod, actually. I got the idea while listening to some of my songs in one of my playlist while thinking about 'His Test'… It seemed good. And not really done a lot. So enjoy! : )

Don't speak, I can't believe
This is here, happening.
Out situation isn't right.
Get real, who you playing with?
I never thought he'd be like this.
You were supposed to be there by my side.

I sat on Turk and Carla's sofa, staring blankly at the TV in front of me, thoughts of that night going through my mind. How Perry had yelled at me, how he had completely disregarded that my brother had killed himself. Did he not get that I was in a bad place right now? Did he not understand that I needed someone there, someone I loved, to support me? But yet he basically threw me out, completely ignoring the fact that I might just have been dying inside.

Honestly, wasn't he able to see it? I hadn't been myself for the last two days, ever since I received that call from my mother. My usual cheery smile was gone, all the spark and glimmer in my eyes vanished, and I couldn't even bring myself to have an occasional random fantasy. Everything that made me, well, me was hidden away, and all I could think about was the guilt that I had somehow caused my brother to kill himself. What if it was true? What if I was the reason Dan was dead? What if he couldn't take the fact that his little brother was dating another man?

I needed Perry to hold me, comfort me, tell me that it was going to all be okay… I needed him to understand the fact that I needed time right now. But he wasn't doing that…

When you that you want me,
I just don't believe it.
You're always ready to give up,
And never turn around.

It was almost like Perry had been secretly wishing that a day like this would come. Why the hell else would he jump at the chance to end our relationship so quickly? He saw something in our relationship that he didn't like, that made him feel less of a man. No, he never really told me that himself, but there was just something in his composure that gave him away ever since we had started dating. I usually tried to ignore it, tried to push that thought to the back of my mind. Because if Perry didn't want me, he wouldn't have put up with me for a year, living in his house no less, would he? No, of course not. But… maybe, with Jordan hating his guts, he just needed a sex buddy. Maybe he had been using me. Maybe he didn't love me at all.

Carla walked over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder and smoothing back some of my hair. "Want me to call him, Bambi? I'll strike fear into his heart."

I smiled softly at the offer, shaking my head. "No thanks, Carla. I think I'm just going to go to bed."

Carla nodded, kissing my cheek. "Alright. Rest up. Everything will be better tomorrow, you'll see." She moved to turn away, before I suddenly grabbed her arm.

"Did Turk make the arrangements?"

Carla shook her head, smiling sadly. "No. I did. He couldn't deal with you leaving, so I decided to treat it as a band aid… Your flight's tomorrow morning." I nodded my thanks before curling up on the sofa, staring blankly at the wall in front of me as the Latina nurse turned out the lights in the room, encompassing me in darkness.

What if I need you, baby?
Would you even try to save me?
Or would you find some lame excuse
To never be true?
What if I said I loved you?
Would you be the one to run to?
Or would you watch me walk away
Without a fight?

I couldn't sleep that night; I'm not sure how many times I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable on the lumpy sofa. Note to self: buy them a new sofa for Christmas. But, really, it wasn't the sofa that was causing me to not be able to sleep. It was the fact that I had left my phone out on the table, just in case Perry had decided to give me a call and apologize. I kept staring at it, willing for a call to come through that would end up brightening all of this. It never came. I just laid there, wishing that things had ended so badly, that he'd forgive me for what I said and then walking out… that I was able to forgive him for everything he had said before he practically kicked me out of the apartment. I didn't get any sleep that night.

I'm so sick of worrying
That you're gonna quit over anything.
I could trip and you'd let go like that.
And everything that we ever were
Seems to fade but not the hurt
Cause you don't know the good thing from the bad.

I guess it was kind of my fault. After all, I'm the one who basically had told him that I didn't know what was going on with our relationship. But I hadn't meant it like I wanted to break up! He didn't even let me explain before he jumped down my throat!

A break was needed because of Dan, yeah, but that didn't mean that I really wanted to break up with Perry. No, not at all. Never. Perry was amazing. He was smart, funny (I know, that's hard to believe, considering the only humor he sports most of the time is of the sarcastic-nature), handsome, and great in the sack. Sure, he had some downfalls, but who didn't? Point is, I couldn't leave someone like him. I could move away, but I could never really leave him.

He was too important to me.

I just needed some time to get my head on straight, that's all… I needed some time to make sense out of everything that had happened with Dan and my mother… He didn't have to have a cow because of it. Why couldn't he just understand?

When I say that I want you
You know that I meant it.
And in my hour of weakness
There still time to try.

Around four in the morning, three hours before I was supposed to wake up so I could catch my flight, I grabbed my phone off the table. If he wasn't going to call me, then I was going to call him. I had to.

I spent the next half hour calling Perry. He never picked up. I left voicemail after voicemail, hoping he'd get at least a few of them before my flight left in a few hours. I didn't want to just leave things the way we had… I needed to say goodbye to him. I needed to tell him that I loved him, that I'd come back for him, that we'd never be over and that he was the most important person in the world to him. I just hope he called back.

Every time I speak you try to stop me,
Cause every little thing I say is wrong.
You say you're noticing,
But you never see.

Around the tenth call, his phone suddenly went right to voicemail. I hope he wasn't ignoring my calls now. What if he had turned off his phone, annoyed beyond belief that I wouldn't leave him alone? What if he never wanted to speak to me again?

This is who I really am.
That you can't believe
Makes me want to know right now
If it me you'll live without.
Or would you change your mind?
What if I need you?

I suddenly couldn't hold it in anymore. I held myself tight as I started sobbing, completely unaware that I was leaving a voicemail in the process. "Dan's dead, my mother hates me, and now I lost the love of my life because neither of us can listen to the other for five seconds! I didn't want it to end this way! I need him! I love him, damnit!" At that, I threw the phone across the room, not even blinking as it crashed into the wall and proceeded to shatter.

But what if I need you, baby?
Would you even try to save me?
Or would you find some lame excuse
To never be true?
What if I said I loved you?
Would you be the one to run to?
Or would you watch me walk away
Without a…

"Bambi?!"

"Vanilla Bear?!"

I didn't even look up as Turk and Carla rushed out of their room, apparently having been woken up by the loud crash of my phone. I continued to lay on the couch, hugging myself as tears flowed freely. I couldn't believe everything had gone downhill so fast. I couldn't believe it was over. I couldn't believe my life had become this torn apart.

"I'm going to freaking kill him!" Turk yelled. I heard footsteps stomp over to the counter, where the phone was, as he quickly snatched it out of its cradle.

"Turk! It's nearly five in the morning! It's probably asleep!" Carla scolded, before sitting down on the couch next to me, putting a hand on my arm. "Don't worry, Bambi; he loves you."

"No he doesn't," I whispered, swallowing hard.

Oh baby, what if I need you?

"Sure he does."

"If he loved me he would have called back."

What if I need you?

"He's probably asleep."

"He keeps his phone close by, in case of emergency."

What if I need you?

"Maybe he forgot to tonight."

"I doubt it."

What if I need, what if I need you?

"Come on, Bambi, stop thinking the worst. This is Perry we're talking about. He's a hard sleeper."

"I once woke him up by opening the fridge."

What if I need you?

Carla sighed, getting up off the couch. "I think you're wrong. I think he's going to call back."

"I hope you're right."

What if I need you?

"Listen to me, you egotistical jackass! No one hurts my Vanilla Bear like that and gets away with it! You better pray I don't see you at work today, or I'm going to shove my scalpel so far up your—"

"Turk!"

Suddenly the sound of a phone slamming into its cradle reached JD's ears, and he pulled his pillow closer to himself, willing himself to shut out the arguing. He loved his friends, he really did… But sometimes they could be so wrong that it hurt.

I need you, you, you.

Just because I think of them while listening to my iPod sometimes. Hehe. Perry's up next, kiddies!